I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

I just don’t think the youngest is more important, many parents who take on SC seem to think their DC should take priority. I wonder what her DHs view on all this would be?

You're just making shit up now. 😂Also, we know what her DHs view on this are...did you not read OPs posts?

Just wanted to say YANBU and that what you write here makes good sense .

He effectively paralyses the 3 member family operations, by adding a logistics step into every action, sometimes very last minute.
So you put together a valid plan for the current group of people - and he starts transforming it, losing the benefits it had for the situation at hand.

The comment about dinner is just bad - even three member families can have roast if they want.

He has two configurations of "complete family" just now. He needs to wrap his head around it and make it work.

That's my thoughts as well except they aren't they're child's step siblings as they have the same biological father. But yeah he's saying it's not worth doing unless the older two are there. But he sees no issue with doing something separately with the older two children. When they're teenagers they probably won't want to anyway. They would rather be out with they're friends.

I think it is a leap to say his 2 year olds needs don't matter.

And how much time is spent with each co-parent is up to them. Many co-parents have more than 50% time - it doesn't make them all selfish. If he and his ex are both fine with it - that is between them. Why would he go to court when what they are doing works fine for him and his ex wife and his kids?

Defeating the purpose is exactly the issue.

Not quite the same, but I have 3 dc and I didn't think twice about doing all manner of things with youngest child when older 2 dc were with their Dad, as apart from anything they would potentially be doing something with him.
It would have been madness if I had insisted that youngest couldn't do anything without their siblings incase anyone felt left out.

I am sure if the situation were reversed and only youngest was your DH's child he would also think you were mad to impose the same rule as he is now.
I think getting to the bottom of why he feels the need do this is key.

I suspect his ex’s story about why she feels the need to make the kids available to him whenever he asks might be interesting. There’s a woman still prioritising his wants and having to cut short visits to her parents or whatever because he’s decided he wants to take the kids to McDonald’s.

let’s face it, the majority of us would tell him to stop trying to control or interfere in our contact time. If it seems easier to just say yes and return home so he can pick them up, that possibly says something.

You are not being unreasonable op it's not much to ask, I can't stand waiting around for people either no matter who it is

This thread is such a good illustration of 'those' posters who are completely incapable of understanding that children who are not step children are also humans with needs.

YANBU

The roast comment would have given me the rage. Your youngest isn't even worthy of putting the oven on? Making a Sunday dinner isn't exactly hard work, there's no gigantic effort involved

By any chance are the step kids boys and your joint child a girl? Hope I'm barking up the wrong tree there

No they are all same sex.

Jeez there are some absolute loon bags on this thread. Why do people have to play armchair psychologists?

OP has clearly said many times it is her DHs unreasonable level of guilt which is causing the issue. I’m trying to ease the guilt or risk of alienating his older children he is doing a massive disservice to his younger.

Youre not wrong OP, this is a bigger issue about your DH not yet coming to terms with what separating from
their mum and having a blended family would actually look like and how it would impact the kids. He is trying to mitigate it but he’s running the risk of ruining his relationship and second family.

You’re not unreasonable to be frustrated with this, he needs to really work on this and he also needs to understand you’re entitled to put your thoughts forward without it being “you just don’t want to see DSC” - it’s such a cop out and manipulative way to shut you down.

I have 3 kids, all full blood siblings and it fairly rare we go out all of us (except obvious stuff like holidays) because its just not practical.

I took my younger two too McDonalds today but my oldest was in school, I guarantee he wont care. Same my daughter goes to dance class without her brothers or my oldest is in scouts where he does day trips without the younger two.

They don't even go to each others birthday parties (chasing a toddler round at an axe throwing party for older kids sounds like a recipe for disaster honestly).

I am astonished his ex tolerates this from him, to be honest.

My ex and I are flexible regarding plans if we’ve found something we’d like to go with our daughter in the others “time” with her but not repeated off the cuff nothingy things like your husband is doing. My ex would think I’d lost the plot if I started doing that, and vice versa.

My partner was a bit Disney dad initially and did try the “can’t do anything when the sc aren’t here” thing. I didn’t tolerate it even once. As much as I understand he misses his children, I was not having my time with my child reduced to meaningless time filling. I just did it without him, which he seemed rather surprised by! He chilled out quite quickly.

Why is he sat in the lounge with you till 1am? That would be a definite no for me!

OP I think your dh is framing this disagreement wrong. You do involve his kids and see them 50% of the time! This isn't about the kids it's about time management. IMO you need to print out a massive calendar that's coloured one colour for his time with his first family kids and another colour for when they are with their mother. In the calendar the kids daily schedule (clubs and locations) should be written down with times of start and finish. Locate the calendar somewhere completely obvious like on the fridge door. Next time he wants to include his kids without any prior notice I would say, 'that's a great idea let's go to McDonald's again on Tuesday (or whatever day makes sense with the calendar then write it down on the calendar). I would plainly state that his kids are welcome to join you whenever he/they want as long as it isn't a last minute change of plan!

That’s not the same.

But that means she literally can't do anything if the kids aren't there, doesn't it? Which isn't fair on their shared child.

Perhaps they should all sit in a darkened room staring at the walls until the SK are there when they can resume being happy 🙄

but not without comments from him about me 'not wanting to do anything with DSC'.

this is very immature way to deal with the situation, hopefully you could sit down with him and have an adult conversation about why its not alway appropriate to include his dc and his attitude of "you don't want to spend time with doc" isn't helpful in any way

So put it this way to your husband - ask him how would he feel if it was your week, and his ex was constantly phoning up to take their child out to dinner at McDonalds, or for Sunday lunch, or anything else, and you had to drop your plans to let ex take DSC out and you were constantly missing out on what’s supposed to be your time together.

Not necessarily. It could be a tool for the DH to say - "it isn't feasible to get DCs along with us today, they are doing xyz".

It means that she has control over her own time and makes her dh responsible for his arrangements with his kids. The op cannot interfere with his first family but she can put boundaries around her and her child's time. He wants to do something it goes on the calendar. If it's not on the calendar it's not happening. No more emotional mindgames from her dh no more wasted time.

I can imagine it is frustrating but at 10&12 it wont last forever. Another year and the eldest will want to be off with their pals and the younger sibling won't be far behind.

if your husband feels guilty the last thing he needs is for you to guilt him some more so why not have a chat and suggest some sensible approaches. Perhaps set some guidelines. Trips out for longer than an hour, fine invite them, flying visit to Mcds , leave it to and take them when we aren’t rushing. The only way through this is talking and if he genuinely feels you don't want to spend time with the kids show him otherwise. Take them off on your own so he gets to enjoy time with his youngest too.

A good idea for the Sunday dinner thing is always make loads so extras can be frozen and used next time, then your dinner for 3 will be quick and easy to do.

'They came first'.

What... so all 2nd, 3rd, 4th children are lesser than the original are they? Weird mindset.

According to lots of posters, you evidently should not have gone to McDonald’s OP. You should have gone home and cooked from scratch preferably your stepchildren’s least favourite meals. Maybe that would have made your husband happy. It’s all part of marrying a man with kids ya know! (Says lots of people on here anyway)