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Original poster

Step kids at weekend

375 replies

Bananarama77 · 20/04/2023 16:46

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Invadersmustdie · 21/04/2023 13:55

@PelvicFlora why did you let them treat you like that? It breaks my heart for you that you're partner let you down like that, how can you stand to look at him?
@Bananarama77 again, why do you allow him to use you like this? Fear of him leaving?

Invadersmustdie · 21/04/2023 13:56

Your not you're!

Reugny · 21/04/2023 14:03

@Invadersmustdie as women we are bought up to be agreeable. Plus if you have children who are grown up, you are expected to have the patience, knowledge and be willing to look after younger children.

PelvicFlora · 21/04/2023 14:04

Invadersmustdie · 21/04/2023 13:55

@PelvicFlora why did you let them treat you like that? It breaks my heart for you that you're partner let you down like that, how can you stand to look at him?
@Bananarama77 again, why do you allow him to use you like this? Fear of him leaving?

Not to derail the thread too much, but we had a massive almost marriage-ending row and I simply stopped doing anything. DH realised I was on the verge of walking and finally pulled his shit together. Since then things have been good. And the outcome is that DSC now spend more time with DH and also their mother instead of being palmed off on me all the time. It wasn't easy though and every now and again I remember something and get angry all over again. I've had a lot of counselling for it. No one talks enough about how much step parenting - always being in the wrong, never quite being good enough, not being fully in charge of your own time or household, being told 'you should've known' - can wreck your mental health.

This thread is very triggering for me!

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:12

Invadersmustdie · 21/04/2023 13:55

@PelvicFlora why did you let them treat you like that? It breaks my heart for you that you're partner let you down like that, how can you stand to look at him?
@Bananarama77 again, why do you allow him to use you like this? Fear of him leaving?

Well I won’t be any more; I don’t believe he deliberately set out to use me for childcare it’s more I gave an inch now he’s taking a mile, he’ll probably say he had no idea I felt like this & maybe I should have been more vocal in the past but this weekend has just brought it to a head. When I think that Monday-Friday every other week I cannot make any arrangements after 3pm as I ‘have’ to do school run & I do all childcare for his kids before/after school it actually makes my blood boil. The only time we’ve ever really had a serious disagreement about it was when I had a call from the school to say my DSD was ill & could I collect her, I asked why they’d called me & was told that I was down as first contact in emergency..I didn’t even know school had my number

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 21/04/2023 14:14

Aaarghh I'm so angry for you OP. You were first emergency contact?! My stepkids schools don't even know I exist! Kick him into touch, now!

TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 14:15

If he put your number down for emergency contact then he has actually consciously manoeuvred you into providing childcare on his watch.

I would be furious.

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 14:16

'No one talks enough about how much step parenting - always being in the wrong, never quite being good enough, not being fully in charge of your own time or household, being told 'you should've known' - can wreck your mental health.'

That's really hit a nerve with with me 😞 I am into my 2nd relationship now with a man with kids and it's bloody hard work.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:20

Floofydawg · 21/04/2023 14:14

Aaarghh I'm so angry for you OP. You were first emergency contact?! My stepkids schools don't even know I exist! Kick him into touch, now!

I was fuming, I did pick her up as it wasn’t her fault she was sick but I dropped her to her Mums house straight away, luckily she was home. She didn’t even know why they had called me. DH was very apologetic & said it wouldn’t happen again & subsequently got my contact details removed but it definitely didn’t go down well with me, his excuse was he didn’t think I would mind as I’d be due to collect her after school anyway

OP posts:
Scalottia · 21/04/2023 14:23

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:20

I was fuming, I did pick her up as it wasn’t her fault she was sick but I dropped her to her Mums house straight away, luckily she was home. She didn’t even know why they had called me. DH was very apologetic & said it wouldn’t happen again & subsequently got my contact details removed but it definitely didn’t go down well with me, his excuse was he didn’t think I would mind as I’d be due to collect her after school anyway

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I would be fuming too OP!

VWHoliday · 21/04/2023 14:30

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 14:16

'No one talks enough about how much step parenting - always being in the wrong, never quite being good enough, not being fully in charge of your own time or household, being told 'you should've known' - can wreck your mental health.'

That's really hit a nerve with with me 😞 I am into my 2nd relationship now with a man with kids and it's bloody hard work.

Why don't you look for a relationship with someone who hasn't got children?

funinthesun19 · 21/04/2023 14:30

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:12

Well I won’t be any more; I don’t believe he deliberately set out to use me for childcare it’s more I gave an inch now he’s taking a mile, he’ll probably say he had no idea I felt like this & maybe I should have been more vocal in the past but this weekend has just brought it to a head. When I think that Monday-Friday every other week I cannot make any arrangements after 3pm as I ‘have’ to do school run & I do all childcare for his kids before/after school it actually makes my blood boil. The only time we’ve ever really had a serious disagreement about it was when I had a call from the school to say my DSD was ill & could I collect her, I asked why they’d called me & was told that I was down as first contact in emergency..I didn’t even know school had my number

Show quote history

Being down as a contact is cheeky enough if you haven’t given your consent. But FIRST contact?! The parents are really taking to piss. Who out of those two filled the forms in and put you as first contact?? What a pair of CFs.

SquidwardBound · 21/04/2023 14:37

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 13:21

I was waiting for that comment..congratulations.
It was actually his ex that asked him initially anyway as she had separated from her partner, moved home & started new job, he didn’t push for anything. He managed it at first but overtime it has fallen to me. There have never been any arguments about maintenance between them that’s a non issue here

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That’s actually worse in some ways.

I know you feel defensive when people aren’t impressed with your partner but he has agency in all of this. He does know that he had made an agreement with his ex and passed the work on to you.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:41

funinthesun19 · 21/04/2023 14:30

Being down as a contact is cheeky enough if you haven’t given your consent. But FIRST contact?! The parents are really taking to piss. Who out of those two filled the forms in and put you as first contact?? What a pair of CFs.

Show quote history

DH did it, he contacted them to update them with his new phone number & added mine at same time; whether on not he asked for me to be first contact or not I don’t know it could have been a school error either way I was not happy to say the least. Just to add to the pettiness of it later that evening his ex text him to ask when he was picking his DD up, he said she’s ill so best she stays with you to which she said but it’s your week so you need to get her, she’s not that ill anyway; she spent the evening throwing up here then spent the next day with me as she couldn’t go to school. I should be grateful though my DH did manage to take his own DS to school the next day before he pissed off to work all day 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:49

SquidwardBound · 21/04/2023 14:37

That’s actually worse in some ways.

I know you feel defensive when people aren’t impressed with your partner but he has agency in all of this. He does know that he had made an agreement with his ex and passed the work on to you.

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I’m not defensive about the fact that he’s not actually doing any parenting, I acknowledge that he’s shit for that otherwise I wouldn’t be angry about childcare being passed to me; I just find it irritating in general that some women think the only reason a Dad would want to see their kids on 50/50 basis is to avoid paying maintenance I’m sure it may happen but like I said non issue here, it’s far easier to pay a few hundred quid a month & do zero hands on parenting than it is to do the actual hard work

OP posts:
VWHoliday · 21/04/2023 14:54

@Bananarama77 What would the prefect arrangement be for you, DH & the children?

funinthesun19 · 21/04/2023 14:57

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:41

DH did it, he contacted them to update them with his new phone number & added mine at same time; whether on not he asked for me to be first contact or not I don’t know it could have been a school error either way I was not happy to say the least. Just to add to the pettiness of it later that evening his ex text him to ask when he was picking his DD up, he said she’s ill so best she stays with you to which she said but it’s your week so you need to get her, she’s not that ill anyway; she spent the evening throwing up here then spent the next day with me as she couldn’t go to school. I should be grateful though my DH did manage to take his own DS to school the next day before he pissed off to work all day 🙄

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Maybe it was an error. But the school would surely clarify who the first contact is though if they were unsure. I reckon he made them think it’s you.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:58

VWHoliday · 21/04/2023 14:54

@Bananarama77 What would the prefect arrangement be for you, DH & the children?

Any arrangement that doesn’t include or rely on me providing childcare

OP posts:
tatteddear · 21/04/2023 15:01

I get mine every Friday and every Tuesday. Dh sometimes drops my DD's off at school (mine not his). We have mixed up of family so we just see them all as 'our' kids and whoever it's more convenient for goes and gets whichever needs picking up.
I don't really get the whole Nacho thing at all. Surely if you are married you married into whatever family situation there is and you just have to go with it?

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 15:02

Because @VWHoliday you can't always help who you fall in love with? When I started dating again after leaving an abusive ex, I did look for people with no kids, but then along came someone perfect who happens to have a kid.

Wouldn't change it for the world, but I'm also allowed to acknowledge it can be hard sometimes. Just like other parents do.

Original poster
Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 15:05

tatteddear · 21/04/2023 15:01

I get mine every Friday and every Tuesday. Dh sometimes drops my DD's off at school (mine not his). We have mixed up of family so we just see them all as 'our' kids and whoever it's more convenient for goes and gets whichever needs picking up.
I don't really get the whole Nacho thing at all. Surely if you are married you married into whatever family situation there is and you just have to go with it?

If I had younger kids living at home sure maybe it would be different but mine grown up & this current situation was not the situation I married into

OP posts:
VWHoliday · 21/04/2023 15:09

13Bastards · 21/04/2023 15:02

Because @VWHoliday you can't always help who you fall in love with? When I started dating again after leaving an abusive ex, I did look for people with no kids, but then along came someone perfect who happens to have a kid.

Wouldn't change it for the world, but I'm also allowed to acknowledge it can be hard sometimes. Just like other parents do.

I've been there and I'm not saying it is easy and I certainly did say if I thought I was having the piss took out of me.

However, I do think if you marry someone with children you should make them feel important and loved. I'm not saying OP isn't but to say they are never doing any help again is a odd to me.

You can't help who you fall in love with but you can choose to marry/live with them. In my eyes the children were there first.

tatteddear · 21/04/2023 15:11

My two DD's are Older teens-far less bother than dss's who are under 10. I obvs knew this when we mixed our families as I'm assuming you did.
I don't want to come across as harsh but most step kids have experienced some upheaval when their parents split up. The last thing they need is a step parent not wanting them around-even if you think you are hiding it they pick up on stuff.
Do I find my two dss's annoying sometimes? Yes. Do I want to do long school runs/watch football practice/talk about fortnite? No not as first choice-I've done it all once with my two and I didn't always enjoy it with them either. But I knew those things would be needed when I married DH and I also love them, so I crack on.

With re getting yours today-just pick
Them up, pop them in front of the telly or whatever and go about your getting ready as you were I would think?

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/04/2023 15:19

Bananarama77 · 21/04/2023 14:58

Any arrangement that doesn’t include or rely on me providing childcare

Show quote history

The more you post on the situation the more angry I get on your and the kids behalf. Both parents are palming off responsibility on you and you have been massively picking up the slack. You definitely need to have a frank conversation with your husband asap. If he can't organise his time for his kids then he needs to review things with his ex wife. I can't believe she brought her sick daughter to yours to look after and then your husband left her with you, who does that! Also I would be so annoyed that the mother is happy for you to look after them but won't help you address the behaviour or your step son
I completely get why you blew up now about giving up your much needed down time. From your early post I thought it was a one off request.
Hope you have a great night and enjoy your bath in peace

Reugny · 21/04/2023 15:21

tatteddear · 21/04/2023 15:11

My two DD's are Older teens-far less bother than dss's who are under 10. I obvs knew this when we mixed our families as I'm assuming you did.
I don't want to come across as harsh but most step kids have experienced some upheaval when their parents split up. The last thing they need is a step parent not wanting them around-even if you think you are hiding it they pick up on stuff.
Do I find my two dss's annoying sometimes? Yes. Do I want to do long school runs/watch football practice/talk about fortnite? No not as first choice-I've done it all once with my two and I didn't always enjoy it with them either. But I knew those things would be needed when I married DH and I also love them, so I crack on.

With re getting yours today-just pick
Them up, pop them in front of the telly or whatever and go about your getting ready as you were I would think?

You've missed the point.

A step-parent isn't default childcare for the child(ren)'s parents.