Step kids at weekend

[Bananarama77]

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

Did her partner not realise that he is the father of children when making his business-related plans?

Or is it only women who are supposed to plan their lives around children? Whether they’re a parent or not. 🙄

Their own dad doesn't even seem to realise he has kids

Initially when we met his business wasn’t as busy as it is now so gradually he’s been working more as it’s grown & I’ve been covering more of the childcare to such a point now that it’s expected that I’m caregiver during the week & holidays etc. He used to do school drop offs/pick ups but then he dropped one day, then another & I picked up the slack but it was never discussed with me as a permanent option. He doesn’t work weekends & not usually late as I said this is a one off really for Fridays. But in reality I think this may need to revert back to eow or no overnights anymore

It is amazing how often this escapes the attention of posters who think they’ve got a clever and pithy version of ‘well you knew what you were getting in to’ to add to a stepparenting thread.

And, of course, the bar for men is so low that some people do actually think palming all the work into a new partner constitutes an extraordinary act of fathering brilliance. Just having his children in a house he lives in (whether he’s there or not, never mind whether he’s interacting with them or meeting their needs) is worthy of awards and accolades it seems.

But in reality I think this may need to revert back to eow or no overnights anymore

Could you stay married to man who couldn't be bothered with his children though? He needs to step up. I would find that hugely unattractive and I would lose respect for him.

I think both the op and the ex are getting a hard time here! If it's the dad pick up day then it's his day. Completely cheeky of him to tell the mum she had to collect them or they'd be left there! As if a mother would ever get to say that to a dad!

Even more cheeky of him to think his wife should step in. Dad should do what loads of the rest of us mothers do and change your work patterns - especially as OP says he works for himself! So not like a normally job where you're worried the boss won't like it. He reminds me of my friends ex who when asked to do any parenting whatsoever says loftily 'but I work'. Life the rest of us parents in the country don't.

I'd agree you should step back op.

I would if he genuinely couldn’t give a toss about them but he hasn’t done this because he can’t be arsed it’s just something that’s sort of organically happened, he’s over committed but hasn’t thought about what he can realistically offer himself properly. He cannot have his kids 50/50 (currently I have this arrangement with them) so it needs to be realistic, if I stop doing school run, appointments, clubs etc he cannot work P/T in order to do this so that’s how I can’t see 50/50 working effectively. What arrangements he comes up with together with ex is up to them but I don’t want to provide this level of childcare any more

Your dh has just told his ex wife that if she doesn't pick them up, no one will! Never mind that it's his contact time! That's an absolutely outrageous thing for him to have said to her.

I get that when your kids are grown, you get to a point where you just don't want to be going backwards and doing childcare again. Particularly when they aren't your kids.
I'm a great believer in step parents mucking in to help out when necessary, but they shouldn't be default carer because the actual parent, whose contact time it is, has chosen to do something else instead. The kids are there to see him not be offloaded onto someone else. OP, your dh is taking the absolute piss out of you. It's unacceptable that he's expecting you to change your plans because what he wants to do is more important and that he is expecting his ex wife to do likewise.

Not meaning to sound awful, but there’s a lot of people out there who would muck in a lot more without fuss.

“Muck in a lot more without a fuss”, is another way of saying “Get taken advantage of without standing up for yourself”.

There’s a lot of women out there who wouldn’t be up for that. Unfortunately they only know/realise how bad it can get when they’re in the relationship. But instead of her ending it, maybe he could change his behaviour instead and respect her boundaries. If that doesn’t work, then he can be the one who goes.

Your dh has just told his ex wife that if she doesn't pick them up, no one will

If that doesn’t illustrate a truly terrible attitude, I don’t know what would. It indicates a high level of entitlement and a view of parenting as something he opts into when he feels like it.

It in no way surprises me that he’s argued to get the no child maintenance contact pattern either. And then passed all the responsibility for it to his partner. It’s win-win for him that way.

Some of the responses on here, I mean wtf 🤣 This is why stepmothers soon tire of this shit. Provide the home, cash and babysitting duties but don't dare have an opinion or any life outside of these children. Fuck that. OP, if he chooses to work then he can't have the children going forward. You have done your bit, your kids are grown. Your stepchildren should be lovely additions to your life, not your responsibility! No way in hell would I spend my days looking after someone else's kids when I'd come out the other side with my own. His children are his and their mums responsibility OP, not yours. I think you have being far far too accommodating and you need to step back.

I was waiting for that comment..congratulations.
It was actually his ex that asked him initially anyway as she had separated from her partner, moved home & started new job, he didn’t push for anything. He managed it at first but overtime it has fallen to me. There have never been any arguments about maintenance between them that’s a non issue here

Sorry I missed your last post @Bananarama77 you need to ask yourself why you have taken all of this on. It wouldn't even occur to me. If he is working then he can't have them. Its that simple! Why do you let him use you like this? Answer that and you might have a chance of putting a stop to it.

It in no way surprises me that he’s argued to get the no child maintenance contact pattern either. And then passed all the responsibility for it to his partner. It’s win-win for him that way.

OMG I didn’t think of this. Please don’t facilitate this any longer OP. If he wants his kids at 50/50 (to avoid paying maintenance), then he can use that money for after school club or change his hours and actually parent them himself.

Ignore my last post OP. Just seen your post above. 😳

I completely get what you are saying and I agree with you that if you don't want to do it anymore you shouldn't be doing the childcare. I would give him once months notice (not that you should even have to do this but that gives him time to sort out his work schedule). Then I would personally stay out of any conversation about what this means for his custody arrangements. If he cant manage 50/50 without you stepping in then let him come to that conclusion- otherwise you'll only be seen as the bad guy. Instead of saying thanks for helping out thus far he will of course probably be annoyed at you. If so then he's a right entitled dickhead.

That's even better OP if he managed it before then you can simply say you managed before without me so I'm sure you'll work it out and then let them come to their own arrangements re 50/50 or not.

I know right. It sounds more like how you'd talk about an employee!

He can not have his DCS 50:50 you wnt EOW and no overnights.

I get the not doing regular pick ups etc - so talk to your DH but your attitude quite frankly sucks.

Yes i agree @lookluv the OP's attitude does suck. She should be thinking of herself for more than she is. Unfortunately us ladies are conditioned to put up with far too much bullshit before we say no more.

I meant week (school days) overnights, weekend is fine as he is home. I’m not willing to get up & get his kids ready for school & drop them to school every day any more, if he can’t do that then they cannot stay

Laurdo is right. I mean, it’s alright saying IF I was a step parent I would never do this, I’d never think that. You’re not one. So you actually don’t know how you would feel. Being a step parent is ridiculously hard. And it’s different for everyone as a lot of it depends on how your partner deals with things regarding step children and thier other parent. You’re suppose to love them and treat them like your own, while at the same time never over stepping boundaries and knowing your place. Sorry, but you don’t have a bloody clue 🤷🏻‍♀️

my ss mother will say I treat my own kids better, do more with them, but then also when I do something with him or want to she doesn’t like that either because she loves to remind me he’s not my family… it’s shit. She constantly tells him me and the kids me and dp have together, so ss siblings… are not his proper family and never will be, but then messages all day every day how we leave him out of stuff. Can’t win. Drives me mental.

Blimey aged 9 & 11 they are more than capable of amusing themselves

Fair enough OP.

I can't remember if you said whether you work. I'm not asking to be goady, but it's unfortunate for you that you're so physically available all the time. I remember when I was on maternity leave, DH and his ex took the absolute piss - suddenly they were both working extra hours and overnights would get swapped with barely any notice or discussion with me and I was expected to facilitate it all. If I complained it was twisted and thrown back in my face as me hating my DSC and not wanting them there.

No. But it meant that every extra overnight the ex wanted us to do was an extra school run I had to do in the morning, in the car, with a screaming baby on no sleep.

I used to wish I wasn't there. If only I could have just not physically been present and had a reason to be out of the house when they needed me, they would have had to sort it out themselves.

What would he do if you had to leave the house at 7.30am every day and you didn't get back until 6pm? He should do that.

Are you saying you used to do everything and now you aren't doing anything?

I just don't how any of this is a nice environment for the children. Mum calling you, Dad not making time for them. I'd think they were both crap parents. I don't think I'd want to be involved in such a shit show.