DSDs Behaviour

[Mostmondayishmondayever]

I’m completely prepared for differing opinions here. Going to try to cover as much as possible so it’s not drip fed.

Been with DP for 4 years, lived together for 2 years. We each have 2 children, his here 50% of the time and mine slightly longer, around 60% of the time. Ages from 16 to 10. Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property. Kids all have their own bedrooms.

Kids all seem to get on well day to day. Boys both the older ones, girls both the slightly younger.

For reference, DSD is now almost 12.

2 years ago, around the time that we were due to move in I noticed that DSD had become more clingy with DP. For example, we had a trip away and each time we went out anywhere she would push in front of all of us to grab hold of DP linking his arm the entire time we were out. There were a number of occasions she would interrupt activities to ask DP to take her to the loo, get her a drink etc but then didn’t want either of these things when DP suggested instead that I took her to the loo/got her a drink. She also did try to sleep in our bed on holiday which I drew the line at. DP wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere at mealtimes other than right next to her.

I discussed her behaviour with DP when we got home and he said he knows and that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles

2 years down the line though, things have escalated and DP just won’t do anything about it.

She now refuses to eat most meals I make. Claims she doesn’t like x, y, z yet does actually eat these things at her Mums. Won’t even eat meals we’ve made especially at her request - chicken nuggets, specific pasta dishes etc. It’s not an eating disorder before anyone questions this - she will wolf down a takeaway and seemingly has no issues at Mums house.

I can’t walk alongside or go near my partner on any day out/trip to shop or supermarket etc. She will actually push between us to link arms with DP then I have found she will also walk slower to drag him back so it’s just her and him. On one occasion which I did discuss with DP, she kicked the back of my ankles (twice) when I was walking beside DP then pushing between us. DP refused to believe she had done it deliberately.

She sits between us on the sofa, which I don’t have an issue with at all as the kids do after all have a bedtime eventually. But I happened to fall asleep a couple of weeks ago on the sofa on a weekend, DSD had got out of bed and I woke up to her fully lay on top of DP at well gone past midnight

We can’t go on any day trip unless it is to a place of her choice - she will simply refuse to go and stomp off to her room. So there are now many weekends that we end up doing nothing because DSD refuses to go along with any plans. My own children equally are disappointed

She has stolen items off my DD and then tried to sell them back to her. DP absolutely would not believe she had done it and tried to claim we had it wrong. I only found out because DD asked me for some of her spending money to buy her own things back!

There’s also more picky issues, for example DP stopped at a shop the other day for her to get a drink. She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

We also had a situation where both the girls had made a huge mess in the house, I had spoken to both of them and she totally blamed it all on my DD to DP - DP actually backed her up and refused to have it any other way.

It’s becoming a real issue. I’ve warned DP that he is doing her no favours in the long term and all of us no favours by not doing anything. Currently she can do no wrong, is constantly praised and favoured and has learnt that she can pass blame quite easily with no repercussions.

Her older brother, my DSS, has started to comment about it and does also mention a number of these issues too - can’t have a meal unless it’s what she wants, can’t go anywhere unless it’s where she wants to go etc. He’s fed up as there have been a number of times we’ve cancelled things he’s wanted to do because of her.

DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally.

Please help - believe it or not I do just want a happy blended family! But I am very much on my last thread of patience.

The problem was right there in front of you before you and your children moved in. The chances are it was never going to get any better.
Are you going to move out again?

When she doesn't want to do weekend things why are your DC left disappointed, why don't you just take them?

You have a pubescent girl who has to cope with a stepmom and couple of step-siblings moving into her family home and getting to spend more time with her Dad than she does.

She's being possessive of the short period of time she gets with him. The main issue here is your DP, one for pandering to her every whim and two for treating his son differently to his daughter.

Could you swap contact times so the 60% that your DC are there only crosses with 10% of the 50% that your DSC are with you?

Then when DSC visit your DP does all the cooking and meal prep and you spend time seeing your mates, going to the gym, catching up with errands/Netflix/whatever and leaving them to it?

In the not too distant future l, she will want to be hanging out with her mates in her free time so there's a limit to how long this will go on for.

But, in short, your DP needs to parent more effectively (& equally) and you need to stop your DC from being negatively affected (items stolen, blamed for things they didn't do etc) and most of that can be sorted by keeping them apart.

I have actually started to make separate ‘back up’ plans for weekends so my children are at least taken somewhere. Usually somewhere fairly local though as I don’t want to do a long drive on a weekend both ways, DP and I will share the driving as I do a lot of driving during the week for work.

But our suggestions of things like safari parks, zoo, waterfall walks, cinema etc are usually refused by DSD. I mean - all awful trips for a child to be taken on aren’t they!!!

you cant assume she wants those things, though. Just take your won kids if they want to go and your step kids dont

I came on to say just this. You take your kids out regardless, stop letting her tantrums control the entire household

It is absolutely possessive behaviour and I do understand why she is doing it. I too am foreseeing her wanting to spend more time with her friends as she gets older but it is having quite an effect on us in the meantime.

I am more than happy to suggest DP does the cooking when she is here!! I’m not sure he will be happy about that

I can’t change when my kids are here though to fit in with when DPs kids are just not here, it’s not fair for my kids routines, clubs etc to all have to change through no fault of their own.

Your husband accuses you of lying when you point out his child’s bad behaviour. He sounds incapable of parenting the child correctly and providing her appropriate boundaries which is probably why she behaves in this way, trying to find boundaries and understand appropriate behaviour. The issue is not your DSD’s behaviour - the title should be ‘husband is a useless rubbish father.’

It’s all of us though that want to go - she refused the zoo a few weeks ago because she wanted to go to Starbucks instead and refused to go anywhere unless it was just to Starbucks. It really is this sort of ridiculousness.

I would honestly reframe your title, 'DP's parenting' This was an issue before you moved in, he's pandered to it, he enjoys aspects of it and it's not going to improve.

She needed reassurance and boundaries when you all moved into her home, he's given her neither. Right not he's failing all four children and you.

The only people you can fix it for are yourself and your DC.

I can see it from her point of view - a whole new family moved into her house and she’s having to share her Dad with them. It’s a situation which her Dad needs to handle. But if your DP won’t even accept that there is a problem - even when his own DS points it out - then unfortunately I don’t see how things can change for the better.

OP Have you ever actually sat down with your bloke and talked about this in a sensible and rational manner? Does he accept any of the behaviours she displays or is he in complete denial about everything?
It is the other children in this mess I am thinking about having to put up with lying and stealing and one child choosing what you all do with no boundaries in place at all.
Your children did not deserve a life like this !

You might want a happy blended family but she clearly doesn’t. Children don’t usually want step parents or blended families, especially after going through the sadness of their own family breaking down.

I realise she doesn’t have much choice because this is what her parent has chosen for her, but I think you just need to ride it out until she naturally grows out of it. Her behaviour is a result of her situation so you can’t really expect the behaviour to change unless the situation changes first.

It seems as though you may be living together but there is not much blending going happening.

Your SD and to a lesser extent your partner do not seem to be finding this a situation that is working well for all involved. The SD is unhappy and your partner is trying to placate his unhappy child.

Why not move out and back into your own space? Not all children find it easy to have to share what has been their home .

Your relationship does not need to end but most likely all of the kids would prefer homes of their own where they can live without all of the non related people and generally unpleasant meal times and outings.

If the daughter was not unpleasant prior to your moving into the home, it is likely that the attempted blending is the source of the conflict. The timing for this kind of next step may just not have been right.

Better to live apart and be happy than to live together and be miserable.

You have a dp problem, he's enabling her bad behaviour to the point his son is resenting his sister and his dad for allowing it.
She doesn't behave like that with her mother because her mother won't allow it.

I'd tell him he has a month to turn this around and sort out her spoilt behaviour or you'll be moving out.

And take your children out regardless. Leave them at home.

DP problem. DSS is a spoilt brat and he needs to learn to say no.

She sounds awful

Better to live apart and be happy than to live together and be miserable.

Wise words @Mari9999

Step mum here thankfully to older children now and I'd never wish young teen step kids on anyone!!

To quote an old MN saying "you have a dp problem". He needs to be stepping up and parenting his kids and letting her know that her behaviour is unacceptable, even his own son has mentioned it and he still doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

I'd sit down with him one night when none of the kids are around and tell him what you have told us, she doesn't get to control the entire households plans and at 12 she's old enough to be left behind if she doesn't want to join in. She doesn't want to eat the dinner you have cooked then fine but no one will cook her anything else. He has to stop pandering to her.

Maybe she needs some counselling?

It will pass but in my experience it didn't until she was 18 and stopped staying over/spending much time here. Holidays were hell though!

Thanks everyone! Thing is we have a holiday booked in August - sorry not meaning to drip feed - so I had planned to sit with DP and discuss the clinginess before we go as I’m not actually looking forward to going away. Adjoining rooms so she will be in with us - though I’m tempted to have one of the rooms on my own with my own DC

I think I need tips on what to say because I do feel like giving him a series of bullet points like I have given you guys, does sound like I’m picking at her. And I’m really not a bad stepmum.

I do a lot for her - for example I do the school runs either side of the day every day, school holiday care. I even shopped for and bought all her Christmas presents. We all don’t deserve this.

Agree with the other posters. You're focusing your frustrations on the wrong person. Your problems are all down to your partner. Sit down with him and explain what needs to change to take the relationship forward or else you will need to prioritise your/your children's happiness and leave.

You need to stop giving in to her and cancelling days out. If she doesn't want to go then fine- go without her and if her dad thinks she's too young to stay home then he stays with her. Surely you wouldn't let one of your own kids dictate your entire weekend?

And yes get DP cooking the meals when she's there. If she doesn't it stuff he's spent time cooking then he might have more of an incentive to sort it out.

But I can see why she's pissed off with a whole other family moving into her home. I honestly don't think blending families like this works and wonder why anyone does it. Surely you could date etc while living in your own places and then live in when all the kids are grown up?

The girls are both being the.unhappy victims of parental decisions. The boys are both older and may have more flexibility in making their own plans or in bring allowed to stay home alone if they wish to opt out of an activity.

The girls are more or less forced together by virtue of their ages and reliance on parents to plan weekend activities.

For children being in an unhappy blended situation must be similar to a woman feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage. You do not wish to be there, but you feel as though it is beyond your ability to leave. After a while the dad will seem like the abusive spouse who is trapping her in this abusive situation.

You and your partner have the option of being together while living apart . You have done so in the past. This child and your daughter have no options but the ones that are being imposed upon them. You mention all of the negative behaviors of your partner's but surely you must realize that this is an unhappy and unhealthy situation for your daughter as well.

Agree with the others- your partner is the problem. What would he do if his son started acting like his sister?
His dd acts like this because she's allowed and encouraged to be this way.
I would start doing stuff at the weekend without them. It's not fair that everyone else suffers so that your partner can avoid parenting her. I'd also consider moving out so that my kids weren't losing out because of your partner. He needs to put in the work if he wants a blended family.

Absolutely step back. Massively. Leave them to it. Let him see life with his dd as his 'partner' isn't the best for anyone. As it is he has no reason to make changes - like parenting his dd.
Take a mate in holiday instead... It will be no holiday whatsoever for anyone of you all still go. I mean does the destination even have a Starbucks?

It sounds really tough OP but I do think it’s worth looking into the cause of this behaviour.

Think of it along these lines

1. Parents split up - she is presumably very upset and misses her dad
2. She leaves her family home - adding to upset
3. She likely fantasises about her parents getting back together and getting her home back as things were
4. You come on the scene with similar age children - she likely feels replaced and insecure about her dads love for her
5. She becomes part of a whole new family - she probably resents this.

I am not saying any of this is your fault but it’s a lot for a child to deal with and some children deal with things better than others.

I think your DP really needs to put some time into reassuring her that she is loved and she hasn’t been replaced.

Definitely agree he should be taking on the cooking whilst she is there and setting firm but kind boundaries. Perhaps for the interim do some separate activities with both sets of children.

I am guessing your DD is someone she likely feels a lot of resentment towards as she gets more time with her dad than she does.

Time, patience and your DP putting some serious effort in will help.