DSDs Behaviour

[Mostmondayishmondayever]

I’m completely prepared for differing opinions here. Going to try to cover as much as possible so it’s not drip fed.

Been with DP for 4 years, lived together for 2 years. We each have 2 children, his here 50% of the time and mine slightly longer, around 60% of the time. Ages from 16 to 10. Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property. Kids all have their own bedrooms.

Kids all seem to get on well day to day. Boys both the older ones, girls both the slightly younger.

For reference, DSD is now almost 12.

2 years ago, around the time that we were due to move in I noticed that DSD had become more clingy with DP. For example, we had a trip away and each time we went out anywhere she would push in front of all of us to grab hold of DP linking his arm the entire time we were out. There were a number of occasions she would interrupt activities to ask DP to take her to the loo, get her a drink etc but then didn’t want either of these things when DP suggested instead that I took her to the loo/got her a drink. She also did try to sleep in our bed on holiday which I drew the line at. DP wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere at mealtimes other than right next to her.

I discussed her behaviour with DP when we got home and he said he knows and that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles

2 years down the line though, things have escalated and DP just won’t do anything about it.

She now refuses to eat most meals I make. Claims she doesn’t like x, y, z yet does actually eat these things at her Mums. Won’t even eat meals we’ve made especially at her request - chicken nuggets, specific pasta dishes etc. It’s not an eating disorder before anyone questions this - she will wolf down a takeaway and seemingly has no issues at Mums house.

I can’t walk alongside or go near my partner on any day out/trip to shop or supermarket etc. She will actually push between us to link arms with DP then I have found she will also walk slower to drag him back so it’s just her and him. On one occasion which I did discuss with DP, she kicked the back of my ankles (twice) when I was walking beside DP then pushing between us. DP refused to believe she had done it deliberately.

She sits between us on the sofa, which I don’t have an issue with at all as the kids do after all have a bedtime eventually. But I happened to fall asleep a couple of weeks ago on the sofa on a weekend, DSD had got out of bed and I woke up to her fully lay on top of DP at well gone past midnight

We can’t go on any day trip unless it is to a place of her choice - she will simply refuse to go and stomp off to her room. So there are now many weekends that we end up doing nothing because DSD refuses to go along with any plans. My own children equally are disappointed

She has stolen items off my DD and then tried to sell them back to her. DP absolutely would not believe she had done it and tried to claim we had it wrong. I only found out because DD asked me for some of her spending money to buy her own things back!

There’s also more picky issues, for example DP stopped at a shop the other day for her to get a drink. She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

We also had a situation where both the girls had made a huge mess in the house, I had spoken to both of them and she totally blamed it all on my DD to DP - DP actually backed her up and refused to have it any other way.

It’s becoming a real issue. I’ve warned DP that he is doing her no favours in the long term and all of us no favours by not doing anything. Currently she can do no wrong, is constantly praised and favoured and has learnt that she can pass blame quite easily with no repercussions.

Her older brother, my DSS, has started to comment about it and does also mention a number of these issues too - can’t have a meal unless it’s what she wants, can’t go anywhere unless it’s where she wants to go etc. He’s fed up as there have been a number of times we’ve cancelled things he’s wanted to do because of her.

DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally.

Please help - believe it or not I do just want a happy blended family! But I am very much on my last thread of patience.

And neither does his father it seems.

The father-daughter relationship he seems to be encouraging does not sound healthy on its own, but it’s even worse when you consider that he’s got more than one child and treats his children very differently indeed.

The OP said that when she raised the issues with her partner, he actually said that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles. This has progressed to him allowing his 12 year old daughter to sleep on top of him, to kick the OP if she dares to walk next to him, and where he’s choosing to prioritise his daughter over his son.

This is a terrible dynamic for everyone involved - expect the man at the centre who is prioritising his own, quite odd, needs/wants over everyone else (including his daughter). I can’t imagine the children’s mother would be any more impressed by this than the OP is.

I wonder if it's worth speaking to the ex about this and having a 3 way meeting as if I was the ex I'd be so upset about his shit parenting and my ds being left out like this - alongside dd being damaged by his need for her to be clingy YUK

Have you read the book adult children of emotionally immature parents - it really delves into the different types of emotionally immature parents and the parental emotional (not sexual) incest dynamic. So the immature parent emeshes with the child who plays that role to get love. It's fucked up!

There’s no way your DP didn’t notice the weight of a 12 year old lying on him in bed.

She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

Both of these things just show a lack of boundaries. SD is playing up and your DP is accommodating and pandering to her. Imagine all 4 of your kids wanting separate drinks from separate places.

So a 12 year old essentially dictates her families living arrangements?

No better to parent properly.

Not shocked she is clingy, she sees u as the outsider, she can first.
It’s no fun being a step parent and u will never win so no point in trying.
If she doesn’t want to do wot u r doing, just do wot u were going to do, don’t use the excuse about driving, u are reacting to the bait she has laid.
You will have years of it if u stay with him, yr choice.

The father’s indulgence of her, to the detriment of his own son and partner, and allowing her behaviour because he ‘enjoys all the extra cuddles’, having her in his bed and lolling all over him, feels unhealthy. I’m not suggesting sinister, just unhealthy.

He’s a really, really piss-poor parent. I know you say you’re not leaving @Mostmondayishmondayever, but madness and misery this way lies.

Many dc come from divorced parents. But it isn't the nod to become /allowed to become a bratty and rude madam!
Walk away op. Or this is your life. Yabu to not want more for your own dc than this drama.

Thanks again everyone - tonight I’m planning on him making tea - I’m going to disappear off with the dog as my DC are going to my ex’s

Ive actually just massively frustrated myself at trying to write our shopping list as she has claimed she ‘doesn’t like’ most things - if I’m being brutally honest it feels like she will claim she doesn’t like a meal when it’s a meal that everyone has eaten and said they liked. Big example of this is DSS and DD both have spag Bol as their favourite meal - DSD claimed she doesn’t like spaghetti so refused to eat it when it was spaghetti, now she is refusing to eat it with pasta shapes and claiming she now doesn’t like the bolognese sauce.

Note this is the theme with anything I serve - she now moans at any meal that includes chicken and rice - so curries, paella dishes basically any chicken in or out of sauce served with rice she completely refuses to eat. Won’t have any type of pie, refuses to eat anything with peppers in it, picks out any bits of tomatoe when you use a tin of chopped tomatoes in a sauce, wont eat a roast, won’t eat noodles etc endless list!!

This is also the child who refused to eat pizza saying it was disgusting for the first 2 years I knew her then ordered a pizza in a restaurant and claimed it’s her favourite meal.

Also she claims macaroni cheese is one of her favourites but refused to eat one at the weekend as DD had assisted me in making it - I will add it was probably the best Mac n cheese I’ve had in ages. DSD picked one tiny bit of it and said ‘it’s not the worst I’ve had but it’s definitely not the best’ and left it all.

I will also add that I am actually a good cook - a lot of the meals I make are quite nice traditional family meals then I do a lot of the Gousto and Hello Fresh recipes too - so lots of different flavours, thai, Indian, Mexican, Spanish

She is babied by DP - he will say things like ‘oooh just try to eat 2 more big mouthfuls’ - much like you would do with a toddler and she will respond back with equally baby type of language

Someone has said I don’t want her to be walking along with DP - it’s not that at all. Quite happy for her to do it. But it’s the fact that she will push everyone out of the way and hold onto him for dear life when we are out. It’s absolutely reasonable that I would expect when we are out as a blended family that I can at least also spend time with DP too, and not be pushed out of DSDs way or kicked. Currently when we are out I walk along with my DC, DP will be somewhere far behind with DSD and DSS if he’s with us will be strangling somewhere between us all. Feels like 2 separate people out together with their kids. I do not enjoy going out together at all at the moment and once upon a time it was lovely that we had a nice mix of it, I’d sometimes walk along with DP and then dip back and forth with all of the kids

We had a shopping trip a few months ago and DP was trying to pick out aftershave and it’s the one and only time I’ve ever witnessed him trying to get her to let go of him - she actually claimed if she didn’t hold onto him she might get lost or fall over. Huge sigh! She had actually just 20 minutes earlier been walking round the shops just fine with myself and DD and despite not hanging into either of us hadn’t fallen over or get lost! On the same trip she literally refused to eat in any restaurant with of my DC wanted to eat in and it got to the point that we almost ate separately - eventually DP snapped a little and we all ended up eating together somewhere. Again - it was all about what she wanted, not the other 5 of us.

She definitely does manipulate situations to her advantage - DD was being signed up to swimming lesssons as she literally cannot swim. DSD piped up that she can’t swim either and must have lessons too - DSD is at level 5, has done all her lessons etc, swims with school. There’s literally no reason she would need additional lessons. Also claimed that if she didn’t then she might drown on holiday. All quite dramatic. So DSD was signed up to swimming lessons completely unnecessarily.

I’m under no illusion that I’ve probably got a long time to go with her being like this but am aiming to get DP at least on the same page with seeing how she is behaving and how his actions (or indeed lack of!) are encouraging this.

Right so you’re tying yourself up in knots trying to be accommodating and your DP is doing what… nothing? In fact quite the opposite he’s indulging her and reinforcing her behaviour.

Id take the approach of this is what we’re eating, take it or leave it and leave the rest to your DP. It’s not your job to bend over backwards to moving goalposts and unrealistic expectations.

If you wouldn’t allow it from your own kids don’t accept it from DSD. Let your DP deal with the shopping for her.

I have had to do exactly that and don’t regret it at all. If you can’t win stop trying!

Yep he should know that I do absolutely not tolerate it from my own DC!

DD was a fussy eater as a baby and toddler but it was because she used to throw up lots and it made her a bit overly sensitive with tastes and textures - then when I was a single parent from when she was 3 I found it easier to feed the kids an early kid type tea then feed myself later once they had gone to bed so she got very used to kids type basic meals

Now for the last few years she is given everything we are and will pretty much clear her plate. At first we had the odd few nights when she would eat it but I said no, you eat that or you go hungry. Now she moans when she goes to my ex’s house that he doesn’t make teas like mummy does because there she is given the standard basic chicken nugs/pizza but prefers having what we eat! Dropped her off there in a strop a few weeks ago because we were doing a biriyani for tea and she was having pizza at dads.

I’ll actually add this to my points to make him realise that I stood firm against my own DD.

DSD picked one tiny bit of it and said ‘it’s not the worst I’ve had but it’s definitely not the best’ and left it all.

JFC what a rude little madam.

I was fuming. It’s just completely uncalled for.

You dont have a DSD problem, you have a DP problem.

Absolutely with it being that he didn’t parent her correctly at the beginning and instead over compensated.

It’s going to be extremely difficult to bring up all these points without it sounding like I’m jealous though - im honestly not but just can’t live like this forever. If she’s like this now, how bad will she be in a few years!

I really feel for you. Honestly I'd find this so unattractive in a partner. If you didn't have kids together, I'd be telling you to dump him!

Your updates are so grim.

Please stop cooking for her altogether and let your wimpy H step up.

In situations like this, (although I know it's not always easy or feasible), but I think if your DP was to read this thread, it might sink in.

She hasn't been parented well enough in this regard but she has had a lot to deal with. Her behaviour is bratty & it really won't help her in other areas of life if she isn't given a reality check. I feel so sorry for her brother too. It shouldn't be such a radical thing to do to take her brother & your dc out if she doesn't want to go.

I can't believe her comments about the Mac and cheese 🤯 I hope your dd is ok. I wouldn't serve her any food or drinks anymore. Her dad has created a monster and is doing her no favours at all.

It’s going to be extremely difficult to bring up all these points without it sounding like I’m jealous though - im honestly not but just can’t live like this forever.

Can you say that to him?

How would he feel if your son behaved like that?
If he was constantly stuck to you.
If DP cooked something and he was blatantly rude and obnoxious?
If he wanted to get into bed with you every night?
If he dictated where everyone goes and what everyone eats?

How would that make his children feel? Dictated to? Neglected? Miserable?

I’m sympathetic to blended families and the difficulties of being a child of divorce, I’m both a step mum and a child of divorce. But Christ alive I would not be putting up with what you have, I think he should be paying for a spa for you for the week.

His child is emotionally abusing you and your children.
Enough is enough.
He needs to step up and parent, with firm boundaries.
You need to stop being a doormat to her, she doesn’t like what’s for dinner - TOUGH. Don’t argue about it, put it down and if you eat it great, if you don’t - that’s Dad’s problem.

You (I hate to say, it’s not a criticism I’ve done it myself) are enabling the problem too. Every single time she does this put it back on Dad.

You make dinner for everyone and she doesn’t want it? He needs to sort it.

She doesn’t want to go out? Don’t change your plans - he needs to sort it.

Make him absolutely miserable with her inane behaviour until he sees what it is and does something about it.

To be honest I also agree with PPs - you need to be prepared to leave. If something makes your kids miserable it’s not worth it.

So what is he making her for tea tonight?

Not strictly true. She has a P problem and a SD problem.

The utterly pathetic partner has created a total monster of a stepdaughter. She’s absolutely vile.

The fact you cook the meals and pick up from scholl might seem to you you are doing a lot for DCs but don’t kids just expect it?
Its only now they are adults that my DCs appreciate the good food I cooked every night.
Also you are doing the graft, from the sound of it, for DHs family.
Can they walk home from school?
I would just arrange things without her - so , you, your two and ?DSS go out at weekends.

Not strictly true. She has a P problem and a SD problem.

Yes I agree with this. I find it tiresome on here that we're never allowed to acknowledge that a child's behaviour is unacceptable and that they are at least partially responsible for it.

In the kindest way possible.. step back. She's coming to see her dad not you. She isn't currently at the stage that she's interested in pleasing you or your children. My stepdaughter is 15 and we get along great but when she's with us aka her dad I don't intervene, so days out over the years (chessington, legoland ect) she did with her dad. I did stuff separately with my children.
I did find the preteen years tough sometimes with all the attitude but that calmed down once she got to 13.
I think your main issue is with your husband, he parents differently (and in my opinion through guilt than you do)
Maybe you rushed moving in and it would be better to live separately?
You can't force this child to accept you as part of her life though.