DSDs Behaviour

[Mostmondayishmondayever]

I’m completely prepared for differing opinions here. Going to try to cover as much as possible so it’s not drip fed.

Been with DP for 4 years, lived together for 2 years. We each have 2 children, his here 50% of the time and mine slightly longer, around 60% of the time. Ages from 16 to 10. Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property. Kids all have their own bedrooms.

Kids all seem to get on well day to day. Boys both the older ones, girls both the slightly younger.

For reference, DSD is now almost 12.

2 years ago, around the time that we were due to move in I noticed that DSD had become more clingy with DP. For example, we had a trip away and each time we went out anywhere she would push in front of all of us to grab hold of DP linking his arm the entire time we were out. There were a number of occasions she would interrupt activities to ask DP to take her to the loo, get her a drink etc but then didn’t want either of these things when DP suggested instead that I took her to the loo/got her a drink. She also did try to sleep in our bed on holiday which I drew the line at. DP wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere at mealtimes other than right next to her.

I discussed her behaviour with DP when we got home and he said he knows and that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles

2 years down the line though, things have escalated and DP just won’t do anything about it.

She now refuses to eat most meals I make. Claims she doesn’t like x, y, z yet does actually eat these things at her Mums. Won’t even eat meals we’ve made especially at her request - chicken nuggets, specific pasta dishes etc. It’s not an eating disorder before anyone questions this - she will wolf down a takeaway and seemingly has no issues at Mums house.

I can’t walk alongside or go near my partner on any day out/trip to shop or supermarket etc. She will actually push between us to link arms with DP then I have found she will also walk slower to drag him back so it’s just her and him. On one occasion which I did discuss with DP, she kicked the back of my ankles (twice) when I was walking beside DP then pushing between us. DP refused to believe she had done it deliberately.

She sits between us on the sofa, which I don’t have an issue with at all as the kids do after all have a bedtime eventually. But I happened to fall asleep a couple of weeks ago on the sofa on a weekend, DSD had got out of bed and I woke up to her fully lay on top of DP at well gone past midnight

We can’t go on any day trip unless it is to a place of her choice - she will simply refuse to go and stomp off to her room. So there are now many weekends that we end up doing nothing because DSD refuses to go along with any plans. My own children equally are disappointed

She has stolen items off my DD and then tried to sell them back to her. DP absolutely would not believe she had done it and tried to claim we had it wrong. I only found out because DD asked me for some of her spending money to buy her own things back!

There’s also more picky issues, for example DP stopped at a shop the other day for her to get a drink. She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

We also had a situation where both the girls had made a huge mess in the house, I had spoken to both of them and she totally blamed it all on my DD to DP - DP actually backed her up and refused to have it any other way.

It’s becoming a real issue. I’ve warned DP that he is doing her no favours in the long term and all of us no favours by not doing anything. Currently she can do no wrong, is constantly praised and favoured and has learnt that she can pass blame quite easily with no repercussions.

Her older brother, my DSS, has started to comment about it and does also mention a number of these issues too - can’t have a meal unless it’s what she wants, can’t go anywhere unless it’s where she wants to go etc. He’s fed up as there have been a number of times we’ve cancelled things he’s wanted to do because of her.

DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally.

Please help - believe it or not I do just want a happy blended family! But I am very much on my last thread of patience.

Also I wouldn't tolerate my husband calling my children liars because he doesn't want to discipline his daughter. You need to have a good think about how this is effecting your children, it has the potential to cause a lot of resentment and as there mum they need to see you fight there corner.

This is a DP problem. He has taught his daughter that that is acceptable behaviour and repeatedly positively reinforced it. She's a child. She started off being clingy due to change, I assume, then he's just let it continue and made it worse. This is only a DP problem.

Why when a woman posts on MN saying her child doesn't like the partner she moved in (against the child's wishes) and it's causing constant issues, is she told she should put her child first and tell her partner to leave? Yet here people are saying that the child shouldn't expect to be put first by their parent and just needs to deal with the fact she's being forced to live with someone she doesn't like.

I'm not anti-stepparents at all. I am one in fact. But I am very anti-forcing-other-people-on-my-child-because-it-suits-me. Especially people who don't even like the child. I think this girl's father is a horrible parent and should never have moved people into the family home without everyone being onboard with it. But I doubt he'll do anything to change that now because without the OP being there he will have to do the parenting himself. Which is probably why he ignored his daughter's unhappiness in the first place.

OP,
It is abundantly clear that you are never out as a blended family, because no blending has yet occurred.

Do you accept the position that this child has a right to not want to blend? She should not be allowed to be rude.
That is not a condition or term of blending; that should be a part of the basic courtesy that she is required to demonstrate to anyone.

You don't address the possibility of staying together but living apart. Have you considered that this may not be the best living arrangement for your daughter.

Your partner has the right to parent his daughter as he chooses. You have the right to be less than impressed with his parenting style. You are imposing an unpleasant situation on your daughter simply to have the proximity to your partner that you desire. In many ways, you and his daughter are exactly the same. You both want life in the house to be on the terms that you choose to have them. The daughter has to be there because she has no say in that matter. You could live elsewhere and see him when his children are not there. His daughter lost the 50% of the time that she and her brother had alone with their dad. Not only did she lose that time to you, but your children gained more time with her dad than she has.

This truly seems like a situation in which a lot of friction has been created with no real benefit to any of the children involved. The boys may get along, but neither was suffering any lack or loss when they were not living together , and the girls are both experiencing negatives resulting from the forced proximity.

Who is benefiting from this arrangement?

Tbh OP unless your dp steps up and makes dsd feel secure - i.e., loving boundaries, reassurance, and you make a relationship with her that's separate from her dad this won't get better. He doesn't sound very reflective so I'm not sure how far you'll get with this. You saying you can't live like this may make him remove his head from his arse but I doubt it.

I'd not want to disrupt my own dc by moving them out but something will have to change to avoid that being the only solution. You can't live with someone 50% of the time being happy and 50% of the time being miserable.

@BadNomad · Yesterday 20:41

. I think this girl's father is a horrible parent and should never have moved people into the family home without everyone being onboard with it. But I doubt he'll do anything to change that now because without the OP being there he will have to do the parenting himself. Which is probably why he ignored his daughter's unhappiness in the first place.

Wise words. I think you hit the nail on the head here

And when you put it like that, it makes me wonder if he just wants an unpaid housekeeper leaving him with lots of free time for cuddles or whatever

In a nutshell, you have one child acting like an arse, with the father refusing to believe she is and enabling her, and he seems to think it's ok because everyone else isn't an arse and can work round her.

He's the cause of this. She might not like the living situation, but she doesn't get to act like this because she doesn't like it. We all have to get on with irritating siblings, full, half or step. As teens we often get irked with our parents and life in general.

Her behaviour isn't beyond extreme, and there is a root cause why. But the enabling and defending is not acceptable.

Poor DSS, but his dad seems ok for him to go without as well, just because DSS doesn't make a fuss. That doesn't mean it's ok.

She's going to grow into an unpleasant young woman if this is the foundation of how she thinks she's entitled to be preferentially treated by acting up.

OP, this has been difficult to read… it must be toe-curlingly bad to live it.

As you and your dc are settled, can I please kindly suggest that you withdraw from all the cooking with a breezy ‘oh I just can’t seem to cook things DSD will eat - from now on DP, you need to do the cooking’ No Argument, statement of fact.

same breezy ways are needed with the trips out. Take dss under your wing, smile and wave them goodbye and have a great time the 3 of you.

school runs I would make myself busy for. Not only is this DP getting out of emotionally parenting he is not practically either.

time to drop what’s not yours and enjoy the extra time. Leave DP and the DSD to it.

ETA sometimes in step families this is as much blending as can be achieved.

holidays I would do those separately also.

Honestly I'd move out. This is going to get no better. She's being allowed act like a total brat & will be a nightmare by the time she's an older teen. I don't agree that this is all due to you & your dc having moved in - your dss isn't struggling with that is he? - the only thing he's struggling with is his father's treatment of his sister! Most kids cope well with change when it's handled well & the fact that your dss is ok with you & your dc would indicate to me that this is more about a parent favouring one child above all else than anything else.

Any man who won't discipline a child because he wants extra cuddles has serious issues himself.
I'd be gone.

But why even suggest that she wont cook? Why not just cooking what everyone likes and if SD doesnt like it, its her and her fathers problem? I think that she does it because she sees that it affects the OP, if the OP ignores it, she will have no reason to act out.
I actually dont understand why the OP is bending backwards for this rudeness. With all the respect, shes also reinforcing this behaviour. Its the fathers job to discipline his daughter, but if the OP is pleasing her despite the rudeness, shes contributing to the problem.
When my SD started acting out and being disrespectful towards me at about the same age, I wouldnt cook (she used to come to me when hungry) unless my son was hungry and when I did, it was meals that he liked. I also stopped involving her when playing with my son and my baby. SD and my DP understood. Actually now, DP who never cooks, does full breakfast for everyone when shes with us and its been 4 years. Great relief for me.
Im sure the OPs SD understands that shes being rude and she will understand the consequence.