DSDs Behaviour

[Mostmondayishmondayever]

I’m completely prepared for differing opinions here. Going to try to cover as much as possible so it’s not drip fed.

Been with DP for 4 years, lived together for 2 years. We each have 2 children, his here 50% of the time and mine slightly longer, around 60% of the time. Ages from 16 to 10. Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property. Kids all have their own bedrooms.

Kids all seem to get on well day to day. Boys both the older ones, girls both the slightly younger.

For reference, DSD is now almost 12.

2 years ago, around the time that we were due to move in I noticed that DSD had become more clingy with DP. For example, we had a trip away and each time we went out anywhere she would push in front of all of us to grab hold of DP linking his arm the entire time we were out. There were a number of occasions she would interrupt activities to ask DP to take her to the loo, get her a drink etc but then didn’t want either of these things when DP suggested instead that I took her to the loo/got her a drink. She also did try to sleep in our bed on holiday which I drew the line at. DP wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere at mealtimes other than right next to her.

I discussed her behaviour with DP when we got home and he said he knows and that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles

2 years down the line though, things have escalated and DP just won’t do anything about it.

She now refuses to eat most meals I make. Claims she doesn’t like x, y, z yet does actually eat these things at her Mums. Won’t even eat meals we’ve made especially at her request - chicken nuggets, specific pasta dishes etc. It’s not an eating disorder before anyone questions this - she will wolf down a takeaway and seemingly has no issues at Mums house.

I can’t walk alongside or go near my partner on any day out/trip to shop or supermarket etc. She will actually push between us to link arms with DP then I have found she will also walk slower to drag him back so it’s just her and him. On one occasion which I did discuss with DP, she kicked the back of my ankles (twice) when I was walking beside DP then pushing between us. DP refused to believe she had done it deliberately.

She sits between us on the sofa, which I don’t have an issue with at all as the kids do after all have a bedtime eventually. But I happened to fall asleep a couple of weeks ago on the sofa on a weekend, DSD had got out of bed and I woke up to her fully lay on top of DP at well gone past midnight

We can’t go on any day trip unless it is to a place of her choice - she will simply refuse to go and stomp off to her room. So there are now many weekends that we end up doing nothing because DSD refuses to go along with any plans. My own children equally are disappointed

She has stolen items off my DD and then tried to sell them back to her. DP absolutely would not believe she had done it and tried to claim we had it wrong. I only found out because DD asked me for some of her spending money to buy her own things back!

There’s also more picky issues, for example DP stopped at a shop the other day for her to get a drink. She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

We also had a situation where both the girls had made a huge mess in the house, I had spoken to both of them and she totally blamed it all on my DD to DP - DP actually backed her up and refused to have it any other way.

It’s becoming a real issue. I’ve warned DP that he is doing her no favours in the long term and all of us no favours by not doing anything. Currently she can do no wrong, is constantly praised and favoured and has learnt that she can pass blame quite easily with no repercussions.

Her older brother, my DSS, has started to comment about it and does also mention a number of these issues too - can’t have a meal unless it’s what she wants, can’t go anywhere unless it’s where she wants to go etc. He’s fed up as there have been a number of times we’ve cancelled things he’s wanted to do because of her.

DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally.

Please help - believe it or not I do just want a happy blended family! But I am very much on my last thread of patience.

So SD won't eat your cooking and your DH won't back you up with it - simple, he cooks - whether he likes it or not.

He's not doing his daughter any favours and because of it, you're letting your children down too - move back out and leave them to their parent/child relationship. She's not likely to be a pretty character if his parenting skills are this poor.

Second this - but make it bright and breezy, so it isn't a power struggle. Oh, you don't want to come, DSD? Okay! Have fun at home with Dad! And take her brother and your DC and have a great time, no harm done, and DSD and DP get to miss out/have alone time/whatever.

But make sure her brother is absolutely included in your outing as one of the family, as he barely seems to be included in his own.

As for the holiday, you really must take the adjoining room with your DC. It will be miserable otherwise. I'd also make plans for outings as above, including DSS, and invite the other two if they want to come.

Unfortunately I think you'll have to adjust your expectations for family time/fair driving time on weekends/whatever until this phase has passed.

Go without her then take your kids. Don't pander to her.

You take the kids (including DSS) that want to go, to whatever activity it is. Don’t argue with your OH or SD, just go and do the activity/trip. That way she gets time with her dad and everyone else has a nice time.

We had this in a way with my SD. Her mum would say no to activities in advance eg swimming as SD had a cold, or another activity as SD said she didn’t want to go, and the rest of us would just go anyway and enjoy it.

I do see though that your children have moved into her house. Is there anywhere/anyway that you could all move to a different house? We did this but (thankfully at the time) could afford to and so SD had her own room at the new house as did all the kids. If we’d have moved into DH’s, I can imagine it would have been different - has your SD kept her usual room?

I do a lot for her - for example I do the school runs either side of the day every day, school holiday care. I even shopped for and bought all her Christmas presents. We all don’t deserve this.

I don't condone her behaviour. But ultimately, you do all these things for her dad. The person who should be doing it all, or at least splitting it equally with you.

So no, it's not deserved. But she also doesn't owe you anything because you have decided to relieve her dad of those tasks.

She probably very much resents the fact that you have.

I agree with most other's OP, it's best not to make it about a power struggle. Grey rock and try and be cheery about it. If DSD doesn't want to come for daytrips take everyone else instead and show her how she's missing out, eventually she will see this. Also, eventually your DH will see he is missing out and will hopefully realise how badly he has acted all those years. His poor son.
Don't cook extra meals, she can make herself some cereal or your DH needs to inconvenience himself cooking her separate meals, he'll soon get tired of it. He needs to learn to actually parent and not try and be 'super disney dad' at every opportunity. He'll raise an entitled young lady and damage is son in the process. You can't save him from these consequences unless he is willing to actually see the problem (which he won't unless it directly negatively impacts himself)

This is an incredible way for somehow making the OP into the villain when the actual - very obvious - problem is that the child’s father is not pulling his weight as a parent and is pandering to his 12 year old (but not his son) in unhealthy ways.

HE is the problem. He’s a terrible father and his lack of boundaries and general
lack of spine is causing problems for everyone - including his favoured child.

@SquidwardBound I know he is. I'm not making OP out to be a villain at all. She's being taking advantage of and also being allowed to think that what she's doing is for the DSD's benefit, when it's not.

I was a SM of a 12 year old DSD once. I’m not sure it always gets better.

For a start, 12 is quite young and a really insecure age - just heading into puberty and teenagehood. It’s a hard age to be.

I think 50/50 isn’t the best, the girl needs a solid parented place and I find 50/50 in reality this diffuses who is actually parenting. It’s an insecure position for a child (who is really on top of her homework? Who is making sure she’s eating oK?) one in which I think her father is just treating like it’s for him - hence just giving into her - rather than parenting.

A daughter and her separated father is the most difficult for a SM to come into. She sounds like she was treated like a princess but now you come along as SM and suddenly you are the Queen and she feels lesser in her father’s eyes. You are competition for his love. And why wouldn’t she feel like that, he probably did give her loads more attention and now just defers to you.

For example - why are you doing all the cooking now? Surely her father did all the cooking before you.

For me I think you have unrealistic ideas of the DSD, and don’t let her father do enough on his end and have ‘helpfully’ taken over a lot of the parenting eg dinners, trips out. Which your partner probably loves. But honestly this is not something his daughter has to love.

So I think - back off. Go out with your own kids. Stop trying to make the family all one happy unit. As like many women we are the ‘head’ and the ‘organiser’ which means she doesn’t get her father as much. Let her hang around with her father in the house instead. Let her Dad make her dinners and you just make your own kids. Just let her be but require your partner to step up.

Sorry for the late response - DSC free night tonight so took my 2 swimming

I totally agree that DP should be doing more in general - I pick up an awful lot because I am naturally happy being a very busy person and I do have more time to do so as my job allows for it. DP also has a job where he is on call etc etc and often is ‘on duty’ with work from 7am through to midnight. Before I moved in he did indeed do all the cooking when his kids were here

Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments - I was worried that I sounded ranty or even worse, like a really bad stepmum. But I’m not. DP is just a really poor parent and that is definitely apparent - I really wish I’d pushed more about her behaviour 2 years ago when it has just emerged

Where do I go from here? Well I’m taking all advice and comments onboard with a view to having a calm chat to DP in the next couple of weeks - I’m actually hoping we will have a few more occasions of her behaving like this and also DSS hopefully commenting about it - I’ll be backing him up the second he says anything about her behaviour or actions! And it gives me a few more things to bring up with DP

Im certainly not moving out - my DC and DSS are actually very happy and settled with our set up - even their dad/my ex is really happy with our set up and how happy our DC are. He actually also likes DP. I am actually tempted to press ahead with days out and take DSS with me as others have said! And as others have said, if I moved out that just demonstrates to her that she is able to manipulate situations to that extent

The more I think about it all the more annoyed I get so I am trying to be calm and reasoned with it. She doesn’t do any of this at her Mums house and her partner has lived with them for longer than I’ve lived here - though I do not know the set up or how she is treated there.

Someone has asked if DSD is in the same bedroom she always had - yes she is. We actually also completely redecorated her bedroom for her as a treat the first week we moved in. Although we do often hear that her bedroom at Mums house has x/y/z and is so much better!

I’d love her to realise that her Dad actually will always love her more than me, and this competition and territorial behaviour just isn’t needed. This is where I need DSD to get to.

If you haven't already, read the book 'Stepmonster', I highly recommend it to all stepmums. It covers these types of situations that you are going through.

I haven’t read the full thread.
When you are going out and she doesn’t want to, take a vote- who wants to go, likely 5 hands will go up. Fine, either you or DP stay with SD, the others go and have a great day.
I feel sorry for her brother.
DP is a twit.
I agree with pp about separate households. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a man with such poor judgement. How long before his poor boundaries cause the child to believe she can replace you and her mother in his affections.
Just a word of caution, teenage girls are just torture- soon you will have your own!

I’d love her to realise that her Dad actually will always love her more than me, and this competition and territorial behaviour just isn’t needed. This is where I need DSD to get to.
I think the thing is, she loses nothing by wanting her Dad more. And the bottom line is that he will be giving her less than before you arrived, especially as you have said he works a lot and so you are ‘naturally’ more there in the home.

That is a position many SMs including me were in. We feel ‘good’ about being able to be able to support our male partners, doing more cooking, the family trips out etc. Except that for a step daughter in particular, this scenario isn’t the best from their POV, as who wants to have someone else act like their mum? Step sons aren’t so threatened as they are not as socially aware.

None of this is a criticism of you, but I would say that you are expecting way too much of her at age 12. Some days out or left alone with just her father is just what SHE needs - he probably won’t but he needs to spend much more time with her alone. And he should probably cook for her at least twice a week even if it’s just for him and her.

Some of your examples do show competitiveness on your part. You being upset she wants to hold his arm walking down the street because you feel that you should be doing that or upset she sits beside him on the couch as you want that spot. Those things are clear competition. Being upset she takes up space near him shows you are jealous of her.

And you say she gets lots of one on one time with you but then your example is WE watch a movie with just her. So it isn’t one on one of you also feel the need to be there.

I have a 12 year old SD. She has her challenging behaviours, in a different way to yours granted.

I once was someone’s 12 year old step daughter, I was indeed challenging but again in a different way.

I think your dp has gone about making her feel supported and secure in entirely the wrong way. He’s chosen the laziest option at every opportunity and it has clearly not worked, at all. At 12 she is old enough to be spoken to properly, to be encouraged to discuss her own feelings properly. He is not encouraging her to believe her voice is valid, so instead she behaves terribly. Babying her is lazy and upsetting everyone in the family. He needs to stop, regroup and provide her with consistency and boundaries.

But that is her fathers problem (and hers if thats what she learns), its not the OPs problem. The OP has to think about herself and her children and if moving out is best for them, so be it, the father will deal with his own daughter.

I agree, wise words.

Just going back to your opening posts, OP, to get a bit of a better grasp of the dynamics here:

Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property.

So the DSC's mother, your DP's (ex)wife, was the one to move out of the family/marital home?

Your partner is a fucking moron. No good can come from this.

Move back out and save your kids, and yourself, from this dysfunction.

If you all want to go tot he zoo and she wants to go to Starbucks then could you take her to Starbucks?

So she either goes out as a family or has one on one with her SM?

Get your partner and SD to cook at least one day she is with you, that way she gets time with DD and she will eat what she's been involved with making.

I know it is difficult OP but it is difficult for her too.

What is happening at mum's house? Does mum have a new partner/ step children?

Please don't forget about her brother in all of this.

I feel really sorry for him.

The OP hasn't forgotten her brother.

Unfortunately other posters don't see him as relevant.

*If you all want to go tot he zoo and she wants to go to Starbucks then could you take her to Starbucks?

So she either goes out as a family or has one on one with her SM?*

So OP doesn't get to spend the quality time with her own kids? Or get the experiences she wanted herself, for that matter?

I can't believe anyone would advocate pandering to this utter lack of compromise. A Starbucks on the way or the way back, sure, but anyone missing the zoo to take her to Starbucks just because she says so is absolute madness.

Utterly ridiculous. OP wants to go to the zoo with the rest of the family not be forced to sit it out with someone who clearly dislikes her.

DSC should either join in with the whole family and they can go to a Starbucks another time.

Yeah I agree. Utterly ridiculous.