DSDs Behaviour

[Mostmondayishmondayever]

I’m completely prepared for differing opinions here. Going to try to cover as much as possible so it’s not drip fed.

Been with DP for 4 years, lived together for 2 years. We each have 2 children, his here 50% of the time and mine slightly longer, around 60% of the time. Ages from 16 to 10. Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property. Kids all have their own bedrooms.

Kids all seem to get on well day to day. Boys both the older ones, girls both the slightly younger.

For reference, DSD is now almost 12.

2 years ago, around the time that we were due to move in I noticed that DSD had become more clingy with DP. For example, we had a trip away and each time we went out anywhere she would push in front of all of us to grab hold of DP linking his arm the entire time we were out. There were a number of occasions she would interrupt activities to ask DP to take her to the loo, get her a drink etc but then didn’t want either of these things when DP suggested instead that I took her to the loo/got her a drink. She also did try to sleep in our bed on holiday which I drew the line at. DP wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere at mealtimes other than right next to her.

I discussed her behaviour with DP when we got home and he said he knows and that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles

2 years down the line though, things have escalated and DP just won’t do anything about it.

She now refuses to eat most meals I make. Claims she doesn’t like x, y, z yet does actually eat these things at her Mums. Won’t even eat meals we’ve made especially at her request - chicken nuggets, specific pasta dishes etc. It’s not an eating disorder before anyone questions this - she will wolf down a takeaway and seemingly has no issues at Mums house.

I can’t walk alongside or go near my partner on any day out/trip to shop or supermarket etc. She will actually push between us to link arms with DP then I have found she will also walk slower to drag him back so it’s just her and him. On one occasion which I did discuss with DP, she kicked the back of my ankles (twice) when I was walking beside DP then pushing between us. DP refused to believe she had done it deliberately.

She sits between us on the sofa, which I don’t have an issue with at all as the kids do after all have a bedtime eventually. But I happened to fall asleep a couple of weeks ago on the sofa on a weekend, DSD had got out of bed and I woke up to her fully lay on top of DP at well gone past midnight

We can’t go on any day trip unless it is to a place of her choice - she will simply refuse to go and stomp off to her room. So there are now many weekends that we end up doing nothing because DSD refuses to go along with any plans. My own children equally are disappointed

She has stolen items off my DD and then tried to sell them back to her. DP absolutely would not believe she had done it and tried to claim we had it wrong. I only found out because DD asked me for some of her spending money to buy her own things back!

There’s also more picky issues, for example DP stopped at a shop the other day for her to get a drink. She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

We also had a situation where both the girls had made a huge mess in the house, I had spoken to both of them and she totally blamed it all on my DD to DP - DP actually backed her up and refused to have it any other way.

It’s becoming a real issue. I’ve warned DP that he is doing her no favours in the long term and all of us no favours by not doing anything. Currently she can do no wrong, is constantly praised and favoured and has learnt that she can pass blame quite easily with no repercussions.

Her older brother, my DSS, has started to comment about it and does also mention a number of these issues too - can’t have a meal unless it’s what she wants, can’t go anywhere unless it’s where she wants to go etc. He’s fed up as there have been a number of times we’ve cancelled things he’s wanted to do because of her.

DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally.

Please help - believe it or not I do just want a happy blended family! But I am very much on my last thread of patience.

Right to support his daughter in stealing things from others and reselling them? In sneaking out of bed at midnight, aged 12, to lie on her father's lap on the couch? Id suggest therapy, frankly, not that the OP upend her life and move out (as other posters have).

Why does everyone's plans have to be cancelled when SD doesn't want to do something though? There are two adults in that household. I'm sure the OP was perfectly capable of managing the children on her own before she met DP, so why not now? SD can stay home and miss out if that's how she wants it. It doesn't mean everyone else has to.

In sneaking out of bed at midnight, aged 12, to lie on her father's lap on the couch?

What's wrong with that?

Right to support his daughter in stealing things from others and reselling them?

He didn't "support" that. It was one child's word against another. I don't think it's unusual for a parent to believe their own child.

Why does everyone's plans have to be cancelled when SD doesn't want to do something though? There are two adults in that household. I'm sure the OP was perfectly capable of managing the children on her own before she met DP, so why not now? SD can stay home and miss out if that's how she wants it. It doesn't mean everyone else has to.

Well setting aside whether OP should be expected to do all trips with one of his kids included alone, that means her DSS has to go with her and her kids rather than with his dad.

It isn't fair.

Then there's meals etc being focused on her which he's already picked up on, and extra one on one time being lavished on her, despite the fact she's constantly preventing the quality time he should be having with both of them including the son...

What are your own children getting from this ‘blended’ set up?

Sorry but I would not be pandering to any of this.

He is being a stereo typical Disney dad and he will soon learn he has made a self absorbed bratty entitled rod for his own back.

Next time you suggest 'the zoo' and she delivers her demands - then say no. We are doing this. If you don't want to come then you stay home. She's 12. Not 5. Or as dad has failed to deal with this - he stays home too.

Then go out with the other 3 . .. and have a bloody good time and make sure she knows you have. Two or three of these episodes and she will get bored of no longer playing to the gallery (or rather proving to the world that she is somehow 'better' than you)

The thing is, it was apparent even before the OP and her children moved in that SD was having an issue with it all. But instead of addressing it then, they all just ploughed on with "blending" their families regardless of what was good for the children. So SD just had to stand there and watch this other woman and her children move into her family home and realise no one gave a fuck about what it would do to her. The child is just reacting to that and spiralling. So, yes, her father does need to make her feel safe, loved and important now because he failed to do that 2 years ago.

The children aren't happy, therefore this setup isn't working. It is not SD fault. This could have been avoided.

No. ONE child is being inadequately parented. The other kids sound perfectly happy. Why do her needs triumph those who are not behaving poorly ?

There are 4 kids in this. Not 1

The thing is, it was apparent even before the OP and her children moved in that SD was having an issue with it all. But instead of addressing it then, they all just ploughed on with "blending" their families regardless of what was good for the children. So SD just had to stand there and watch this other woman and her children move into her family home and realise no one gave a fuck about what it would do to her. The child is just reacting to that and spiralling. So, yes, her father does need to make her feel safe, loved and important now because he failed to do that 2 years ago.

But he's doing that in entirely the wrong ways, allowing her to be treated as more important than all the other kids including his son, allowing other children to be lied about in situations where it is blatantly obvious she has done wrong. He is making her feel that way at everyone else's expense, and by indulging bad behaviour.

But if OP moves out, the DSD will see that as a win. It would convince her that she is capable of successfully manipulating adults through brattish behaviour. And that wouldn't help anyone - not her, not the OP, not the dad.

I would give a dd exactly what she wants. Her df.
so while she is there your dh does all her care including school runs and cooking and organising entertainment. If he can’t respect you and your dc as equal in the partnership then he does all the work for her. I’d also insist on locks for dd bedrooms so they can’t get to each other stuff and I’d be inclined to make plans separately of a weekend.

when he gets fed up of this (when his life isn’t convenienced) he should be more open to change. If he isn’t you have a very hard 6 years ahead of you and yes I would be considering if this is the dynamic I wanted my dc living in.

So you already knew that there were issues with your DP’s lack of parenting skills before you moved in together, but pressed ahead regardless. Now your own kids are suffering and missing out because of it. How much longer are you going to cling onto the charade of a happy blended family? It’s not working, is it?

I tend to agree with this.

You have a massive DP problem. He's told you that he loves all the attention from her, so he's not going to change any time soon, even if you spell it out to him. Even if his son calls it out!

So give them both what they want - maximum time together, with all the chores, too, while you do whatever you want with the other three. It will either resolve itself or go full-blown mini-wife, but at least you will know.

Personally, after two years of his bizarre behaviour I'd be planning to leave.

Put yourself and your children first rather than investing more time in Disney-est of Dads.

There isn't going to be a way to make everyone happy in this situation. You can just make them be quiet about their unhappiness. But that isn't fair.

Families are really only as happy as their unhappiest member.

This child is currently being forced to spend 50% of her time in a family she is unhappy in. Her bad behaviour is her reaction to that unhappiness. And her unhappiness is affecting everyone else. If her dad pulls back now, it won't be long before she will stop wanting to go at all. She's getting to the age where she will realise she doesn't have to go.

If DSD is unhappy then both parents need to speak with her and find out more and consider counselling. It doesn't sound as if the father in this case is even prepared to accept there is any issue, let alone deal with it.

@BadNomad · Today 16:43
The children aren't happy, therefore this setup isn't working. It is not SD fault. This could have been avoided.

Isn't there always someone like you who is batshit on threads like this where the OP is asking for sensible replies ?

@BadNomad But the son could equally decide he's tired of being sidelined and stop coming.

I do understand that she needs support. But I'm a big believer in not just allowing or rewarding behaviour that is wrong and unfair to others out of guilt that they are having a hard time or fear that they will stop coming. So if she's stealing from another child and even the mother can corroborate that yes that was her stuff, then she needs to be reprimanded. If she's stomping her feet and refusing to go on a day out then you definitely do not reward her by treating her to a day out alone, leaving your other child at home. You might sit with her and talk about why she feels the way she feels, but you don't reward her.

And generally speaking, you shouldn't be taking one child out alone all the time and not doing it for the other.

Again, I understand that she needs support. But that doesn't mean that her behaviour can't be unacceptable sometimes and that he's been handling those times well so far.

Well it would help the op. She would have removed herself from living at the whim of the useless dad. She would also no longer be cooking and cleaning for the useless dad.

I guess I just see it as all these individual issues are really one big issue, and that addressing the smaller issues won't fix the big issue, but addressing the big issue will stop the smaller issues. Things have only gotten worse because they chose to ignore the big issue 2 years ago.

Either way, what’s the answer to that? Her husband ignores and dismisses his daughter’s bad behaviour/communication of discomfort. This makes him either a bad parent or a bad parent. There’s no third option. He’s not about to change.

But you can't just ignore the small things because they impact other children and those children need to grow up knowing people will be fair to them and have their backs when it's needed.

So it can't just be "yes DSD steals from you, but she's having a hard time so you're just going to have to put up with it and there will be no consequences" or "yes I know we were all excited to go to the zoo and have been talking about it for weeks, but DSD has changed her mind and doesn't want to go so I'm going to take her to the cinema instead, you can stay at home".

He has to treat the kids fairly, and that might include telling her off or her missing out.

Your DP is to blame and he needs to sort it our out or you leave him, simple as that.

Why are you damaging your DC by staying with this wimp of a non-parental father?

A 12 year old should not be allowed to decide what the whole family are going to do - that is the parents job - she should be made to go where you plan.

Like I said, I don't think there is a way to make everyone happy in this. But I don't think adults' happiness should be at the expense of the children's. The OP even says she understands why SD is behaving like this. But to address that might mean sacrificing her relationship and happiness which she obviously doesn't want to do. Hence her posting here hoping for someone to have some miracle answer that will make everyone happy and allow this blended family to work.

Personally, I would have ended this setup long ago when it was clear that there were going to be many "small things". By prolonging this situation they are just creating more issues like this for the other children. Like SS. He is now feeling shit because this was allowed to continue. And I don't mean the bad behaviour, but rather the thing that is causing the bad behaviour.