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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSDs Behaviour

137 replies

Mostmondayishmondayever · 18/04/2023 11:37

I’m completely prepared for differing opinions here. Going to try to cover as much as possible so it’s not drip fed.

Been with DP for 4 years, lived together for 2 years. We each have 2 children, his here 50% of the time and mine slightly longer, around 60% of the time. Ages from 16 to 10. Myself and both my children moved into DPs house, the ex marital property. Kids all have their own bedrooms.

Kids all seem to get on well day to day. Boys both the older ones, girls both the slightly younger.

For reference, DSD is now almost 12.

2 years ago, around the time that we were due to move in I noticed that DSD had become more clingy with DP. For example, we had a trip away and each time we went out anywhere she would push in front of all of us to grab hold of DP linking his arm the entire time we were out. There were a number of occasions she would interrupt activities to ask DP to take her to the loo, get her a drink etc but then didn’t want either of these things when DP suggested instead that I took her to the loo/got her a drink. She also did try to sleep in our bed on holiday which I drew the line at. DP wasn’t allowed to sit anywhere at mealtimes other than right next to her.

I discussed her behaviour with DP when we got home and he said he knows and that he likes her being clingy because he likes the extra cuddles

2 years down the line though, things have escalated and DP just won’t do anything about it.

She now refuses to eat most meals I make. Claims she doesn’t like x, y, z yet does actually eat these things at her Mums. Won’t even eat meals we’ve made especially at her request - chicken nuggets, specific pasta dishes etc. It’s not an eating disorder before anyone questions this - she will wolf down a takeaway and seemingly has no issues at Mums house.

I can’t walk alongside or go near my partner on any day out/trip to shop or supermarket etc. She will actually push between us to link arms with DP then I have found she will also walk slower to drag him back so it’s just her and him. On one occasion which I did discuss with DP, she kicked the back of my ankles (twice) when I was walking beside DP then pushing between us. DP refused to believe she had done it deliberately.

She sits between us on the sofa, which I don’t have an issue with at all as the kids do after all have a bedtime eventually. But I happened to fall asleep a couple of weeks ago on the sofa on a weekend, DSD had got out of bed and I woke up to her fully lay on top of DP at well gone past midnight

We can’t go on any day trip unless it is to a place of her choice - she will simply refuse to go and stomp off to her room. So there are now many weekends that we end up doing nothing because DSD refuses to go along with any plans. My own children equally are disappointed

She has stolen items off my DD and then tried to sell them back to her. DP absolutely would not believe she had done it and tried to claim we had it wrong. I only found out because DD asked me for some of her spending money to buy her own things back!

There’s also more picky issues, for example DP stopped at a shop the other day for her to get a drink. She was hysterical in the back of the car saying she was thirsty and couldn’t possibly make it back home - we were 20 mins from home. When we got in the shop she insisted there was nothing she wanted as she had wanted an iced coffee, and simply refused to drink anything else. DP actually unbelievably drove to a local supermarket to get her one. We would actually have been home by then had we just driven straight home.

We also had a situation where both the girls had made a huge mess in the house, I had spoken to both of them and she totally blamed it all on my DD to DP - DP actually backed her up and refused to have it any other way.

It’s becoming a real issue. I’ve warned DP that he is doing her no favours in the long term and all of us no favours by not doing anything. Currently she can do no wrong, is constantly praised and favoured and has learnt that she can pass blame quite easily with no repercussions.

Her older brother, my DSS, has started to comment about it and does also mention a number of these issues too - can’t have a meal unless it’s what she wants, can’t go anywhere unless it’s where she wants to go etc. He’s fed up as there have been a number of times we’ve cancelled things he’s wanted to do because of her.

DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally.

Please help - believe it or not I do just want a happy blended family! But I am very much on my last thread of patience.

OP posts:
Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/04/2023 13:12

Two years ago she was ten and her world was changing massively with three new people moving into her home and you begrudge her holding her father's arm as they walk down the street? No wonder she has gotten clingy. She realizes that you will win - that you see her as competition and that you are working to move her away from her father and for all that space around him to be yours and only yours. So she is fighting harder to keep herself relevant in her father's life as she sees you upset that she is encroaching on your territory. You and your kids already get a lot more time with him than she does. Could you not possibly back off and let her feel close to him during her 50% rather than trying to fight her for her father's time and attention during those days?

doodleygirl · 18/04/2023 13:17

Change your mindset Op, the problem is your partner not the child. If he won’t change the way he parents you will have this issue forever, it will just morph into something else as she gets older.

You probably need to evaluate if it’s worth you and your children being second class citizens in your own home, they may resent you for this as the years go by.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 18/04/2023 13:20

Thing is, that what you see as "doing a lot for her", she sees as "step mum robbing me of time with dad".

So you do the school runs, but presumably she used to get that time with her dad?

You cooking dinner, again presumably her dad used to do this with/for her?

You stepping in and doing the grunt work is robbing her of time that she used to spend with her father, so she doesn't appreciate it, she begrudges you for it.

All the more reason for your DP to step back into the parenting role that he's passed off to you.

Riverlee · 18/04/2023 13:25

When you moved in, I guess it was natural for her to be more clingy, with all the big changes in her life.

However, now she has become a spoilt brat, and dp (and you) are indulging her and letting her get away with it. You are allowing her to rule the nest.

Serious words needs to be had with dp and new household rules and boundaries set up. She doesn’t get the last say on matter.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:20

I do a lot for her - for example I do the school runs either side of the day every day, school holiday care. I even shopped for and bought all her Christmas presents. We all don’t deserve this.

So you work, do all this, yet your DP would be pissed off if you asked him to cook, and panders to all of this behaviour even if it means scapegoating your daughter and accusing you of lying?

He sounds absolutely awful, you are being way too gentle with him avoiding addressing these things in case he thinks you're picking on her. HE deserves to have his behaviour picked apart.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:21

And don't get me started on letting her ruin everyone's plans and then taking just her out for a 1-1 time treat.

Seriously, why are you putting up with this guy?

Floofydawg · 18/04/2023 14:27

Take a massive step back. Your husband needs to manage this behaviour as it's not acceptable. Stop doing all that stuff for her - she doesn't seem to want or appreciate it. And if you do have to go on the holiday (I wouldn't, under those circumstances) make sure you're not in the same room as him and the DSS.

Azerothi · 18/04/2023 14:29

Your boyfriend sounds dreadful and a very bad parent. You need to be very careful your boyfriend doesn't upset the whole of the household including your children. I feel for that poor girl.

TheKobayashiMaru · 18/04/2023 14:34

Why is your attention on her behaviour? Your DP's behaviour and parenting is the issue here.

Crazycrazylady · 18/04/2023 14:35

Honestly you can't mention the clinginess as you will never win that one and will come off as jealous of his little girl wanting to be with her daddy.
I would tackle the selfishness and food thing though. Those are far more objective subjects .

Wallywobbles · 18/04/2023 14:38

For trips out you go with whoever wants to go. DP has to stay behind with her. This all the time.

Big DP issue. V bad for her and the other kids now.

DP does all the cooking when she's there.

I'd cancel the holiday. And probably look to move out.

Beamur · 18/04/2023 14:39

This is not entirely your problem to fix.
Can you accept that this is only really going to change as she gets older and matures?
Your DP is making choices to keep his DD happy, albeit at the expense of you and his own son. That's his choice, you can accept it or not.
You might be happier if you disengage with some of this behaviour.
Ignore the sitting/arm holding etc, that will pass.
Ignore the refusal to come out - go anyway. You have to let go of the idea of the blended family having days out.
She refuses to eat what you have cooked? Let her make her own, or Dad can cook. Don't run a cafe.
She resents you and your children and would prefer you not to be there. But you are, so you have to live alongside each other.
Over time she may well change. But she's in the depth of raging angry teens so don't expect it yet.
Be kind, be patient, but don't put your or your kids life on hold in the meantime.
I've been a step parent for many years now. But my tongue many times over the years. DH often made choices I disagreed with, but we all got along despite the odd difference of opinion. I think my other piece of opinion is not to take it personally - she won't appreciate what you do for her, in the same way as your own kids probably don't see it either!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2023 14:40

Does your DSD actually get any 1-2-1 time with her Dad?

The fact that your family has essentially taken over her home must be quite a lot to deal with at that age. I’m sure your children are angels.

Encourage your partner to spend more quality time with her. Can they take up a hobby together?

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:42

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2023 14:40

Does your DSD actually get any 1-2-1 time with her Dad?

The fact that your family has essentially taken over her home must be quite a lot to deal with at that age. I’m sure your children are angels.

Encourage your partner to spend more quality time with her. Can they take up a hobby together?

"DP does spend a lot of time with her one to one - for example some evenings he will pick her up from school then go and do something with just her. And weekends with so many cancelled activities, DP will often take just DSD out locally."

He already spends 1-1 time with her, including when she's ruined everyone's plans.

She doesn't really deserve more frankly, if anything the son should be getting it.

Reugny · 18/04/2023 14:50

Azerothi · 18/04/2023 14:29

Your boyfriend sounds dreadful and a very bad parent. You need to be very careful your boyfriend doesn't upset the whole of the household including your children. I feel for that poor girl.

I actually feel for the poor girl's brother.

Wishitsnows · 18/04/2023 14:52

Why are you doing all the school runs and cooking. Why is your DP getting you to do his parenting. What would he do if you weren’t there? Find another woman to do it for him?

Suzannargh · 18/04/2023 15:01

The thing is, if OP goes on the day trip anyway and DP has to stay behind, that’s a good outcome for SD. She gets what she wants, which is her dad’s full attention.

OP, when speaking to your partner it’ll be easiest if you have suggested outcomes, eg:

If SD doesn’t want dinner, she has to sit at the table with us until everyone’s finished and then can make herself a sandwich.

If SD refuses to come on family days out, she stays home alone or we find a local babysitter to stay with her.

If SD or your daughter go into each other’s rooms and take anything, the same sanction of X is applied.

If he refuses your reasonable suggestions or doesn’t see anything wrong with her behaviour I’d probably either disengage entirely, so no more shared trips and meals and school runs, or make plans to move out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2023 15:05

Ask her Dad to cook for her. Ask her Dad to spend more time with her. 'Picking her up from school' is not quality time.

She is obviously craving more of his attention, so for the time being, you and your children need to step back a bit.

Why are you doing all of the cooking/cleaning anyway?

Reugny · 18/04/2023 15:09

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2023 15:05

Ask her Dad to cook for her. Ask her Dad to spend more time with her. 'Picking her up from school' is not quality time.

She is obviously craving more of his attention, so for the time being, you and your children need to step back a bit.

Why are you doing all of the cooking/cleaning anyway?

Dad will need to cook for both his children.

Dad will need to spend more time with both his children.

The girl has an older brother.

Suzannargh · 18/04/2023 15:13

Also OP maybe cool it on the forced fun. Sometimes it’s fine if you just take out the boys or girls, or just your children, or just one of them. Every weekend doesn’t have to be action-packed making memories fun time.

Original poster
Mostmondayishmondayever · 18/04/2023 15:16

She really does get an awful lot of one to one time with her dad - him picking her up from school and taking her out doing something is one to one time, especially given his son doesn’t get the same. We will also at weekends when all kids are here watch something on TV with just her, all the other kids tend to do their own thing really.

I’ve spoken to my mum regularly about a lot of the issues and she agrees that the problem started just before we moved in. DP had until that point allowed her to sleep in his bed which I highlighted shouldn’t have been happening anyway, at almost 10 a young girl should have been sleeping in her own bed

A lot of this has been created by his lack of parenting her correctly - I do completely agree with this. He has set her no boundaries at all - hasn’t pulled her up on things she has done

But I need to find a way where I’m not making it out that I don’t want her being all cuddly with daddy, because it’s not that at all

I do the school runs etc because I do actually have the time to do it, I work freelance and can pick and choose when I’m working

OP posts:
MzHz · 18/04/2023 15:29

lunar1 · 18/04/2023 12:00

I would honestly reframe your title, 'DP's parenting' This was an issue before you moved in, he's pandered to it, he enjoys aspects of it and it's not going to improve.

She needed reassurance and boundaries when you all moved into her home, he's given her neither. Right not he's failing all four children and you.

The only people you can fix it for are yourself and your DC.

100% this

you have a DP problem

we had flashes of this with my oh dd. It gets managed properly by the parent at the time and it stops

your DP doesn’t want it to stop so is doing fuck all about it

its absolutely inappropriate for her to be lying on top of him at her age at night.

this won’t change. Your dp is a crap dad and your kids are suffering

move back out and leave him to it.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 15:30

Well your post is quite clearly illustrated to all of us that it's not just about her being cuddly - there's a lot of disruptive behaviour here. You shouldn't have to dance around his defensiveness and potentially jumping to the conclusion that you just don't like her being cuddly, he's the one in the wrong. Just tell him.

If he can't see the areas in which his pandering to her is unreasonable and ruining things for the rest of the family then you should stop doing school run's and cooking, yes you have time, but he isn't meeting you half way in terms of respect.

BadNomad · 18/04/2023 16:00

I actually think your DP is doing the right thing by supporting his daughter. It's clear she is insecure. I don't know who wouldn't be in her circumstances. She had to leave her childhood home to live elsewhere 50% of the time. Then had to watch another woman and her children move in to it. Children who now get to spend longer with her father than she does. She had zero control over any of it. So all this is just her needing to know she is still loved and is still his priority. She's desperately trying to feel like she has a little bit of control over her life, but she's only 12yo so this is how that looks.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 16:04

BadNomad · 18/04/2023 16:00

I actually think your DP is doing the right thing by supporting his daughter. It's clear she is insecure. I don't know who wouldn't be in her circumstances. She had to leave her childhood home to live elsewhere 50% of the time. Then had to watch another woman and her children move in to it. Children who now get to spend longer with her father than she does. She had zero control over any of it. So all this is just her needing to know she is still loved and is still his priority. She's desperately trying to feel like she has a little bit of control over her life, but she's only 12yo so this is how that looks.

He's thrown his son under the bus at every turn.