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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Grand parents rejecting step children

440 replies

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 14:10

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2023 19:30

OverCCCs · 26/03/2023 17:48

To argue the GP’s side, why would they embrace your DSC? For the last three years you’ve just been their dad’s girlfriend. If that relationship had ended, you’d never see the children again. They saw your first relationship break down, so presumably aren’t naive to the fact that romance can go sour.

Things will change a little once the baby’s here in that there’ll be a formal tie between the two families, but even that only goes from you through DC2 to DP and DSC.

If the relationship fails (and I certainly hope it doesn’t!), DC2 will be the only one in your family to have any “right” to see DSC as they will be DC2’s siblings. They’ll be out of your and DC1’s lives. Your parents might only ever see DSC again if they live long enough for a major milestone occasion in DC2’s life, like a wedding, and that certainly doesn’t warrant treating them like family.

And let’s keep in mind that, still, DSC aren’t even DSC, but boyfriend’s children…

So, yeah, truthfully I’m not sure I would bother either. Maybe if there’s a wedding they’ll change their calculations, but I don’t think they are acting entirely irrational given the circumstances.

But OP isn't saying why don't they let the kids call them granny and Gramps and spend hundreds on their birthdays. We're talking about letting them in their house. They're acting like there's something dirty or wrong about them
I'm babysitting Monday, if I had to pop to my Mom's, she'd get the kid a glass of pop and make small talk. Not a T like she's got rabies

Nooyoiknooyoik · 26/03/2023 19:34

They’re not your stepchildren.
it’s great that you welcome them (why wouldn’t you anyway, their dad’s home is their home too) but your parents are not under this obligation. As a pp said, your son doesn’t see his dad and now has a new man and new children sharing his home. Hence why your parents probably want their home to be your son’s private space. As others have said, they may come round if they see that your relationship stands the test of time - but so far, not to be cruel but neither of you has a great track record.

Coffeepot72 · 26/03/2023 19:34

Rightly or wrongly, some elderly people don’t understand blended families

sunglassesonthetable · 26/03/2023 19:36

They’re not your stepchildren.

God alive. The pettiness on here.

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 19:37

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2023 19:30

But OP isn't saying why don't they let the kids call them granny and Gramps and spend hundreds on their birthdays. We're talking about letting them in their house. They're acting like there's something dirty or wrong about them
I'm babysitting Monday, if I had to pop to my Mom's, she'd get the kid a glass of pop and make small talk. Not a T like she's got rabies

Show quote history

Yeah that's what's making me think they don't like the partner. Or maybe the kids are awful.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2023 19:39

@Tiredtiredtired100 how old are they?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2023 19:41

sunglassesonthetable · 26/03/2023 19:36

They’re not your stepchildren.

God alive. The pettiness on here.

Exactly.

The partner and kids should be TOTALLY ignored as just strangers op has chosen to live with, even if it's for 20 years.
If they DO marry, they should immediately be clasped to the Nanna's bosom and welcomed into the family despite the ignoring for all the previous years.

It's ridiculous.

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 26/03/2023 19:43

YANBU but please don’t continue to ask. Your DSC would definitely pick up that they were not wanted there if you were to push it and your parents agreed. Limit the time your child spends there to days when your DSC are with their other parent. Your parents don’t sound very caring and there isn’t much you can do to change people’s personalities. Don’t let your DSC get caught in the middle of this.

bubbles2023 · 26/03/2023 19:44

I think they're being mean. I'm not a step parent, but I frequently have my non related god daughter with me when I visit my parents (they're the same age as my dc). My parents are always welcoming- offering sweets, taking them into the garden to play on the swings etc. they would never say- don't bring x.

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 26/03/2023 19:45

How elderly can they possibly be? Blended families have been a fact of life for decades.

Worldwide2 · 26/03/2023 19:47

I think some people embrace this situation and some just don't. I understand why your upset but I understand why they just want time with their grandchild. If they open the door maybe they are worried it will become a regular thing and then the commitment could be upped and that's not what they want. Have you asked them directly how they feel about your step children?

iamenough2023 · 26/03/2023 19:47

Kizzy192 · 26/03/2023 19:21

I've been the child in this situation, and I don't agree with a lot of the responses here. The kids will notice, and it will hurt them. The grandparent's feelings should come second to theirs.

As an adult now, I can't understand in the slightest people who are mean to innocent children. Because it is 'mean' - purposefully excluding children is school playground behaviour.

You're there to protect those children as much as their parents now, and you should (IMO) stand up for them in this situation. I'd have a chat with the grandparents about how hurt you are and explain how it comes across. If they are still resistant, my own son wouldn't be seeing them quite as often anymore. I wouldn't want that kind of negativity around him, personally. Again, I'm probably quite sensitive to the situation so apologies if anything sounded harsh/offensive.

Absolutely this!

I am sorry OP, I have not been in this situation and cannot say I know how you feel and my suggestion is only based on how I see the situation as a bystander. You have two children in your care 50% of the time and on some occasions you would like them to accompany you on your visit to your parents. You are not asking your parents to treat them as their GCs, love and care for them as if they are their GCs or leave them an inheritance. You only want them to allow the kids to join in every now and then. I think that this is very reasonable and it does not matter if you are married or not or have a child with their father or not. While I totally respect that your parents have right to say who will or will not enter their home, their behavior is unreasonable, rude, mean and disrespectful to you most of all, and should have consequences.

If I were you, I would talk to them very openly and frankly and tell them this. These children are in your care and will become siblings to your unborn child, that you love them and want what is best for them. You do not expect them to treat them as their own, but to simply allow them to join on your visits every now and then, and that is not too much to ask. If they are not willing to come and visit you and they are not allowing your step children to come and visit, you will not be able to be visiting them as often as you are used to, especially once the baby is born.

Quite frankly, they are not nice people and I would not want my child to be influenced by people like that either.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 26/03/2023 19:48

How is their relationship with your partner?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/03/2023 19:48

Train007 · 26/03/2023 19:16

Reading some of the responses on this thread really makes me sad for my grandchild ,if and when my daughter hopefully finds her soul mate . I can only hope that my grandchild will be loved and accepted into whoever that family might be .

Exactly. It makes me wonder how op’s would parents feel if the dsc’s grandparents treated their own grandchild with such a lack of care. Time to see this from the other perspective.

mynameisbrian · 26/03/2023 19:50

bubbles2023 that is a completely different scenario FFS

Theelephantinthecastle · 26/03/2023 19:50

What I was getting at with the step kids seeing your parents home as exciting was really that I think saying to your parents "can I bring the step kids over, they really want to feed the goats/whatever" comes across very differently to "are you around next Sunday, is it ok for us to visit?.. ok, great, step kids will be with us ". The former comes across as treating their home like a tourist attraction almost whereas the latter is more matter of fact, the kids are part of the family so of course they come with

Marinapeppina · 26/03/2023 19:53

If they don't see you very often they probably just want time with their own grandchildren, there's nothing wrong with that. They probably just want the opportunity to give attention to their own grandkids without obviously leaving the others out. In their own way they're being considerate

Original poster
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 19:56

I didn’t phrase it this way, to be fair. But I have in the past said ‘we’re going to be driving past yours to somewhere, we could pop in on the way back’ and been told no. I certainly don’t think I could just turn up with the step kids without their being a massive atmosphere, but I had always envisioned being able to just say to the kids ‘I’m heading out, who wants to come’ and taking whoever wanted to at the time.

for some extra context my parents actively encouraged us to bring all our friends round throughout our childhood and even our adulthood, they have friends who visit and bring their grandchildren and they are welcome, but my SC aren’t.

to those saying they’re not my SC, you’re entitled to that view but my SC think I’m their SM and I think I’m theirs. The card they chose and wrote on Mother’s Day showed that (and they weren’t told to get me one they wanted to). That’s what matters to be honest, not whether I have a ring on my finger.

with regards to marriage, I don’t think that would change my parents opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 19:57

@Kizzy192 i’m sorry and this is exactly what I want to avoid.

OP posts:
darjeelingrose · 26/03/2023 20:01

Nooyoiknooyoik · 26/03/2023 19:34

They’re not your stepchildren.
it’s great that you welcome them (why wouldn’t you anyway, their dad’s home is their home too) but your parents are not under this obligation. As a pp said, your son doesn’t see his dad and now has a new man and new children sharing his home. Hence why your parents probably want their home to be your son’s private space. As others have said, they may come round if they see that your relationship stands the test of time - but so far, not to be cruel but neither of you has a great track record.

I think you are wrong because the OP is pregnant. These kids are going to be half brother/ sister to their grandchild, the parents need to get with the times.

MarieRoseMarie · 26/03/2023 20:01

Do they like your partner?

I feel like you’re giving all the info except what their actual reasoning would be.

Either they are horrible (and your siblings too) or they have some reason to distance themselves. Mumsnet loves to tell people to cut off family but we aren’t getting the whole story.

Also this thread is weird because 90% of posts of this board advocate exactly what your parents are doing including SMs going on holiday without stepkids so some of the pearl clutching feels ridiculous to me.

mynameisbrian · 26/03/2023 20:08

Kizzy192 my DS and I have been in this situation, I wasn't interested in a relationship and felt uncomfortable. My DS was only 4 when he met my DH parents. His brother has been amazing and always treated my DS as family and his parents tried. TBH I wish they hadn't as when they had their 'biological' grandkids it was very obvious to me not to my DS . However he as an adult doesn't see them as grandparents and they did have him at their house, they took him for a weekend whilst we had a break and he was included in everything. However my family and mother made him feel at home and you cant force pr pretend that

jemimapuddlepluck · 26/03/2023 20:09

Kizzy192 · 26/03/2023 19:21

I've been the child in this situation, and I don't agree with a lot of the responses here. The kids will notice, and it will hurt them. The grandparent's feelings should come second to theirs.

As an adult now, I can't understand in the slightest people who are mean to innocent children. Because it is 'mean' - purposefully excluding children is school playground behaviour.

You're there to protect those children as much as their parents now, and you should (IMO) stand up for them in this situation. I'd have a chat with the grandparents about how hurt you are and explain how it comes across. If they are still resistant, my own son wouldn't be seeing them quite as often anymore. I wouldn't want that kind of negativity around him, personally. Again, I'm probably quite sensitive to the situation so apologies if anything sounded harsh/offensive.

The OP's son matters just as much as the DSC, what kind of mother would stop their own son from having a loving relationship with his GP's? A shit one, that's who. Yes, their attitude towards OP's DSC seems very strange, wouldn't happen in out family but again, the OP's DS matters JUST AS MUCH. It would be downright cruel to stop him from seeing his GP'S. He isn't around any negativity, he loves them and they love him. His biological father isn't around, let him have some family for goodness sake.

Coffeepot72 · 26/03/2023 20:10

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 26/03/2023 19:45

How elderly can they possibly be? Blended families have been a fact of life for decades.

I was born in the early 70s, my parents separated when I was small, mum got re-married to a man who had 3 children from his first marriage. Back in those days, children generally stayed living with mum, and thankfully didn’t live across 2 households. So even though mum now technically had 3 step children, she didn’t really see them (even though their Dad visited them regularly). That’s just how it was at that time. I doubt very much that my GPS would have expected to have a relationship with them.

The blended families that exist today haven’t been around for decades

Original poster
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 20:15

@MarieRoseMarie they get along with my partner just fine whenever they see him, but I don’t think they have ever liked the fact that I was dating someone with kids (they made comments about that early on). But that always seemed hypocritical to me since I had a child.

Perhaps they do dislike him and haven’t said that to me, but I don’t know why they wouldn’t as he is a wonderful man, who loves me and my DS and makes me very happy. He’s also a completely dedicated father who has always been there for his kids and always will be. He does every school run, parents evening, doctors appointment, dentist appointment, dance recital, reads to them every single night etc. etc. etc. (you know all the stuff parents should do) because he genuinely loves his children and being with them. If my parents don’t like him there isn’t anything I can do to change that, but it won’t lessen my love for him, it will just make me sad.

OP posts: