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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Grand parents rejecting step children

440 replies

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 14:10

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 26/03/2023 20:19

Tiredtiredtired100 I haven't seen in any of your posts anything related to your son. Nothing -it is all about your stepkids and partner. What is his view? That would seem important as it would seem his future relationship with his own grandparents may be affected by their lack of interest in your step kids

mynameisbrian · 26/03/2023 20:24

Tiredtiredtired100 actually I apologise for that as I realise I am being unfair. You are not trying to force a relationship but just want your parents to acknowledge them and accept them into their home at times. That is not unreasonable,,,,

Original poster
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 20:24

@mynameisbrian thats because the thread is about my parents reject my step children, not my DS. I have repeatedly stated that they love him and that he is very close to them, he loves and adores his grand parents, but he also loves and adores his Step Siblings.

OP posts:
Daffodilwoman · 26/03/2023 20:36

How old are your dsc?
I don’t think you can change how your parents think or feel. You either accept it or stop visiting. I don’t think you can do anything else.

MyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 26/03/2023 20:44

I come from a very large family and there have been many divorces over the years. I’m older than you and my parents and my grandparents were welcoming to all and everyone that joined the family, blended or not. I don’t think I’m alone in that. People that can’t find it in their hearts to add two little people to their home are not my kind of people, and those DSC are better off not being exposed to them, because they will certainly pick up on the fact that they aren’t wanted there.

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 20:52

I think they don't like your partner. Sorry. They probably were hoping you'd find someone who could put you and your son first. Instead it's two "broken homes" trying to connect with each parent having their own priority.

It's sad and it doesn't have to be that way

sunglassesonthetable · 26/03/2023 21:14

People that can’t find it in their hearts to add two little people to their home are not my kind of people, and those DSC are better off not being exposed to them, because they will certainly pick up on the fact that they aren’t wanted there.

Exactly. The sad thing is the GPs own DG and the little one to come, will see this going on.

They are being born into a more modern accepting world and will probably just find it mean. They will have their own opinions as they get older and it will not put their GPS in a good light. Especially if they adore their step/half siblings.

You sound like a lovely person OP. So often Step parents on here get very criticised but you seem to want to do right by all the DC in your care.

Ultimately it's your DPs who miss out.

Weallgottachangesometime · 26/03/2023 21:17

It’s just so extreme.
I get not wanting to treat them the same or see them all the time, but not allowing them in their home at all. It’s a bit over the top. I would struggle with that massively.

ParkrunPlodder · 26/03/2023 21:21

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 14:10

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

YDNBU. One Christmas when we were having a big family get together, my cousin and his wife got the news they would be starting an emergency foster placement for 2 young brothers that night. Cue near midnight calls between the family to sort out their stockings and under the tree gifts.
My family is far from perfect but all kids and partners are fully welcomed.

Codlingmoths · 26/03/2023 21:26

I’d be very unhappy about this. I think I’d phone every weekend sc were here and say I thought I could come around, I’ll have ds and Sally and John with me, they are very excited to visit after all they’ve heard from ds. Either they say ok or they say oh please just bring ds; if they say that then I’d say oh ok that’s not an option today never mind. Have a good weekend. Keep that up for a couple of months and see if they start to get the point. (If they agree to see everyone then yes they can also see ds on his own, but this refusal to see the sdc would absolutely drive a wedge.)

sunglassesonthetable · 26/03/2023 21:41

I also think it's a bit more of a bitter pill to swallow when the number of SC outnumbers the amount of GC. This is both financial and in terms of attention given. If there are a few GC and one SC tagging along then sure, it doesn't feel like much of an ask to include them. But when there is one GC and multiple SC - so every time you get your GC a treat you have to get the same for multiple SC, or when you're together you have to divide your attention so the bulk of it is going to the multiple SC, or in more extreme situations, the majority of your inheritance - then it starts to feel like you're taking the piss a bit.

I don't think it's inheritance more letting them in through the front door.

And I'm sorry but it takes a certain way of thinking to describe this scenario as "a bitter pill". I can't help but judge.

asco · 26/03/2023 21:43

OP, I was in a very similar place to you a few years ago. I had 2 boys and my partner had 1. We knew each other for a couple of years before becoming a couple and our boys were already friends, as a result my parents, mostly my Mum though, already knew my now SC as I had had him with me on occasions for playdates when they were around. However when we moved in together they became like your parents, they too lived in/on a fab place and all 3 boys loved going there. They would barely greet him while at the same time gush all over mine. Thankfully the kids never passed comment or noticed - or so I thought!!!!
When I was expecting our 1st together and we told the boys my youngest asked Will Nan like my new baby brother (they ended up with a sister much to their disgust😂) or will she be mean to him like she is to X?
That was my kick up the arse to confront her.
I told that all 3 regarded each other as brothers, that they were all going to be related to the new baby and that they and I came as a package. That she was being cruel to a little boy and hurting his brothers. That she wasn't being expected to love and adore him as much as she did her grandchildren and she wasn't being expected to to even accept him as her actual grandchild but that if my partners parents could be kind, welcoming, fair and accepting of my children then she could afford their grandchild the same level of caring.
I pointed out he already had 2 sets of grandparents who adored him and he wasn't looking for another set if that's what she was worried about but that it was embarrassing how she was so cold and mean to that little boy when his 2 sets of grandparents were nothing but kind to her grandchildren and that I was ashamed of her.
Thankfully she took it on board, realised she was in the wrong and as a result of allowing herself to get to know him she realised for her self what a sweet and wonderful little boy he is.
You need to talk to them.
Good luck

meatballsagain · 26/03/2023 21:46

There's no way I would tolerate this from my parents. Your SDC are part of your family. Not their grandchildren but still children who are part of their family.
Especially (with the greatest of respect) since you already have a child yourself so have a properly blended family.
Show all your children how good people behave by standing up for them.

Nooyoiknooyoik · 26/03/2023 22:04

sunglassesonthetable · 26/03/2023 21:14

People that can’t find it in their hearts to add two little people to their home are not my kind of people, and those DSC are better off not being exposed to them, because they will certainly pick up on the fact that they aren’t wanted there.

Exactly. The sad thing is the GPs own DG and the little one to come, will see this going on.

They are being born into a more modern accepting world and will probably just find it mean. They will have their own opinions as they get older and it will not put their GPS in a good light. Especially if they adore their step/half siblings.

You sound like a lovely person OP. So often Step parents on here get very criticised but you seem to want to do right by all the DC in your care.

Ultimately it's your DPs who miss out.

OP does sound lovely and her DP’s children are lucky their dad has chosen someone like her as a partner.
I can still see it from her parents side too though.

Beenalongwinter · 26/03/2023 22:08

Your parents have an unpleasant attitude. There is nothing you can do. My Mother has never made any effort with my step children. Never bought a birthday card or Xmas card and once said they were nothing to me . Ironically, my Mother had a stepfather who loved her as his own, she did not thank me for pointing this out.

CarolinaInTheMorning · 26/03/2023 22:14

I think a previous poster may have hit the nail on the head when saying that maybe the GPs were hoping for the OP's partner to be without children so that his attention (and financial resources, maybe?) would be devoted solely to OP and her son. That is a very miserly view of love and family. One of the things that attracted me to DH was how devoted a father he was to his children. I am guessing the OP feels the same about her DP.

PousseyNotMoira · 26/03/2023 22:15

Again, have you actually asked them what the problem is? Directly?

Original poster
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 22:24

@CarolinaInTheMorning perhaps you’re right there. Honestly though, my family have never said what the issue is and I have spoken to them before about this but they always claim they like my DP and my mum was thrilled when I said I was pregnant and very excited about the baby, so they can’t really think he’s that bad.

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 26/03/2023 22:26

So what do they say when you ask them why they don't want ro include DSC?

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 22:27

Op have you ever spoken to them about rhe step children properly?

Daffodilsandbeer · 26/03/2023 22:29

Honestly op. If you’ve never sat down and discussed it with them then that’s nit the actions of someone who really cares.

MelchiorsMistress · 26/03/2023 22:35

Is there a practical reason why they might not want to manage three children around their animals all at the same time? Maybe at some point a friends grandchildren haven’t behaved as well as hoped and it’s put them off having children they don’t know well around their animals.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/03/2023 22:43

Honestly op. If you’ve never sat down and discussed it with them then that’s nit the actions of someone who really cares.

Yes didn't sound like OP "really cares". 🙄

BornBlonde · 26/03/2023 22:45

Do your parents like your partner!

Original poster
Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 22:47

I have definitely spoken to them about both my partner and my SC, but I never get much more than short, terse responses and total denial that they have any personal issue with my DP or his kids, just the situation (meaning the situation of us being a blended family).

Today the response to asking if we could all visit was ‘I’d rather not’ and later once it was clear I was hurt by it ‘I’m sorry about the kids’ and when I said that they’re my family and it hurts that they’re not welcome the response I got was ‘well that’s your choice, they’re not mine’.

OP posts: