Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

@Tiredtiredtired100 - it's a difficult situation but I agree with at least one other PP who have said that :

a) You need to make it clear to your Mum that this is an issue for you
b) Explain that if they can't allow your SC to visit, or treat them as their blood Grandchildren whenever they are in contact ( either at yours or their's) then you will respect that decision - but point out that in that case they will not be ABLE to see their Blood-related Grandchildren as often as they do now.

I'm not suggesting that you use that as a 'threat' but point out it is an inevitable result of what they are saying, because they won't be able to come over to yours, and you won't be able to take your son and the baby over to them, when you have your SC staying with you as you will not be responsible for causing them upset, since they are your partners children AND they will be half siblings to your new baby

What age are the SCs?

OP is not expecting her parents to treat her step children as their own grandchildren, as some seem to be suggesting. She is merely asking that they be allowed to visit on occasion and be treated with some modicum of civility. That is not an unreasonable expectation.

haven’t rtft @Tiredtiredtired100 but if someone hasn’t suggested - please point out to GP how DS is going to feel knowing they exclude his big bro/sis that he loves. Teaching segregation is not healthy.

I think you are more upset than the DSC are . If they have only been to your parents 3 times in 3 years , they can't be bothered by the lack of time together. You chose to have these kids in your life , your parents have not . And if your parents feel that they are being used because of their property , they wont feel very inclined . Really are you just disappointed as you have lost an opportunity to facilitate all the kids during the DSC visit ?

I don't agree with your parents but it is their right to feel this way. You can not force them to care about or take an interest in kids not related to them . However I think it is OK to tell them how this attitude upsets you . Be prepared though for them not to change or to be happy with you for discussing it .Ask yourself is it worth damaging your relationship with them .

I think it is unconscionable of your parents and really cruel. And whatever they think is the fact that 1. these are children, and 2. this is causing you, their daughter, pain. It is so shitty. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

Have you spoken with your parents ? If nit please do . Tell them how you feel . If they carry on being idiots and heartless people then cut down the contact with your own kids . Sorry but you are not only hiring the step children but you are allowing your son to think this is ok , they learn by what others do .

You need to ask them about this, not us.
I think you need to put it to them, that they are rejecting children who are an important part of your life and for whom you feel affection. They are also rejecting their future grandchild's dad. There is a world of difference between treating the SC as their own, in which case it is fine if they don't, the SC have grandparents of their own, and not putting any value on a relationship that matters to you.

what happens at christmas and birthdaysop do you just not see your parents because youre all not welcome

Surely if you can't for practical reasons visit with only one child a solution may be for the GP to pick up & drop off your son for visits to their home?
Pp suggesting 'threatening' GP they must see all children or less of their grandson makes no sense at all. It's sounds like your patents love their gs so surely your parents would be happy to collect him (and baby when he is older) for days out or visits to their home?

I'm not from a blended family but a large one with lots of siblings and aunts/uncles/gp used to come and take one or two of us out randomly. Never felt any resentment to siblings about this tbh I didn't even even notice who went out when it was just a thing. So not sure why this would be an issue to steps, can't you just explain to them its your sons grandparents if they ask and that they will get special time with their own relatives too at some point?

I really agree with this. Don't take his grandparents away from him because they're not that keen on children unrelated to them, who seem more bothered about their nice location anyway.

@darjeelingrose i think you’ve perhaps hit upon why it also upsets me so much, as it makes it feel like they don’t really respect my relationship as a whole.

@whynotwhatknot we’ve had 3 Christmases. The first apart as we weren’t pushing any quick blending. The second we all spent the morning together then I went to my parents. As Christmases alternate parents for SC this last Christmas Day my DP came with me to my parents and then me, DP and SC all had Boxing Day all together.

to those saying I need to put the onus on them to visit me, they won’t. They want me to visit them at their home. For various reasons my mother is more physically comfortable there and I respect that and do the leg work in terms of driving and visiting. Despite me living 15 minutes away they have physically visited me in my home about 6 times in the last 3 years. They definitely want me to visit them, not the other way round and as the child in the relationship I have just accepted that.

with regards to the SC seeing my parents property as an exciting place to visit and this being a problem, how do you stop children thinking this? My own DC thinks of it in this way and sells it as such to his step siblings, but his GP don’t have a problem with this.

If you didn't put in the legwork would they still see your DS?

It sounds like your parents don't expect your relationship to last and don't want to invest in kids they will only know for a short time. You aren't married so they are your boyfriends children. I don't think they are actually being that unreasonable.

In the spirit of extended family acceptance and promoting and supporting familial bonding, how many SM 's would reply positively to a request from stepchildren that new step brother or half brother come to spend an afternoon or overnight in their home? After all, if the step children's mom is ok with the kids extending that invitation why would it not be viewed in the same vein as the grandparent situation about which the OP is speaking? Why would it not be acceptable for my brother to come and spend time in his brother's other home?

I think you have to have a conversation with your parents about this. It mightn't go well but you should have it anyway. I can completely understand why they want to see their grandson on his own or with you regularly. But to just exclude these other children in every instance? Do they understand that these kids will be siblings to their next grandchild? Will they be the same when your son asks to bring a friend with him for a visit? How would they feel if your partner took the same attitude to your son as they are taking to his children?

I love my MIL anyway but one of the reasons I think she is so lovely is when BIL married a woman with 2 children (and they had a very involved father and grandparents etc) she immediately took her cue from him - they were his family to him. She minded them, counts them as her grandchildren, they are in all the family photos etc. Really there isn't a ration on love. I have a lot of sympathy for the poster whose SIL is now on her fifth "step family" but in general including children rather than excluding them is the better way to go.

I guess it's hard if they don't like to visit and prefer you to go there.

Reading some of the responses on this thread really makes me sad for my grandchild ,if and when my daughter hopefully finds her soul mate . I can only hope that my grandchild will be loved and accepted into whoever that family might be .

That’s a really difficult situation and very unreasonable of them.

There is no easy answer. If it was me I would write them a letter explaining that their request has really upset you and you do not feel able to visit with just one child and leave their step-grandchildren feeling rejected and disappointed at home. Tell them either the whole family comes or no one does, and leave it up to them.

3 years is nothing in the grant scheme of things especially if you consider it was covid over a large period of that, with restrictions etc.Your relationship broke down when you were pregnant and you've now got in a new relationship with a man who had 2 dc and now your pregnant again without any form of commitment to show from your dp. I suspect your parents have their reasons and likely don't approve of the relationship and think it will likely fail. I'd respect your parents decisions you have them 50 percent of the time. They don't need to be there. They haven't see this children grow up and formed bonds.

Oh hang on I’m confused. Are you married? If not, these are not step children and not step grandchildren, and that is a different situation to if you had married and the children had become step children.

If you’re in a relatively new relationship and not married I can actually sympathise a little with them not wanting to build a relationship with the partner’s kids 🙈 although it’s obviously up to you how to proceed.

I've been the child in this situation, and I don't agree with a lot of the responses here. The kids will notice, and it will hurt them. The grandparent's feelings should come second to theirs.

As an adult now, I can't understand in the slightest people who are mean to innocent children. Because it is 'mean' - purposefully excluding children is school playground behaviour.

You're there to protect those children as much as their parents now, and you should (IMO) stand up for them in this situation. I'd have a chat with the grandparents about how hurt you are and explain how it comes across. If they are still resistant, my own son wouldn't be seeing them quite as often anymore. I wouldn't want that kind of negativity around him, personally. Again, I'm probably quite sensitive to the situation so apologies if anything sounded harsh/offensive.

On other threads, it is often said that it's cruel for grandparents to not treat the SC the same in every regard - inheritance, gifts etc - if they have previously given the impression that they do have the same relationship with them. I know people are saying you don't expect them to treat like their own, but I think the whole situation does tie people up in knots. If they see them at the same time as their DGC, they open themselves up to expectations that they will always treat them in the same way.

I also think it's a bit more of a bitter pill to swallow when the number of SC outnumbers the amount of GC. This is both financial and in terms of attention given. If there are a few GC and one SC tagging along then sure, it doesn't feel like much of an ask to include them. But when there is one GC and multiple SC - so every time you get your GC a treat you have to get the same for multiple SC, or when you're together you have to divide your attention so the bulk of it is going to the multiple SC, or in more extreme situations, the majority of your inheritance - then it starts to feel like you're taking the piss a bit.

Also, people seem to be surprisingly fixated on the fact you're not married. To me, that's extremely old fashioned of them! Time is what makes you a family / step family. Not a piece of paper. To the children, they are siblings. My siblings have always bitten people's heads off when they used the step word, because to us (a big combo of half, step and whole) we're just siblings. Even my 95 year old grandma gets it more than these comments 🙄

its not old fashioned. It’s a show of willing from her partner. I’m sorry but they clearly don’t approve of your relationship and they have a point. It’s moved at breakneck speed and this is their way of telling you to be wary.

My guess is that they’ll take the relationship more seriously when you get married.

Can't believe some of the replies on here.

You know in life you reap what you sow.

And if your parents end up lonely and avoided in their old age because they can't put in the adult effort with their own daughter's SDC ( who will be the 1/2 siblings of their own DGC ), so be it.

I don't expect their blood DGC will think they're all that , for behaving like that.

So so mean spirited. I totally understand why you're upset OP.

So what if the kids just want to visit their home because of the animals. They're kids! Relationships develop over time.

Lovely posts on here from DGPs who do appreciate family bonds and the privilege of sharing the lives of children growing up. Love doesn't run out.