Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

I don’t think that’s ok at all. I wouldn’t facilitate relationship with actual GCs if they’re not prepared to accept the situation.

Don't go and visit her.

Tell her she is welcome to come and visit you. (She will have to at least acknowledge the stepchildren if they are there?)

Set your boundaries now and stop letting her be the one that controls this.

You sound lovely op. I would be really disappointed in my parents if they did this. I would not be inclined to bring my DC to see them tbh. They may change their views.

I wish people hoping to blend families would come on this board before they do! Some of the views are very enlightening from the most regular and fervent posters on here in particular

You’re talking about the position your mum has put you in, but you don’t seem to have considered the position your choices have put your mum in.

She probably doesn’t want to get into a situation where she’s expected to treat your step children as more grandchildren of her own. There are costs associated with that in time, money and energy, and your mum wants to reserve that for her own grandchildren which is fair enough. As long as she’s fair and kind to them on the occasions she sees them she doing enough. Your parents are not obliged to open up their home to your partners children just because it’s a ‘nice place’ that their own grandson enjoys. Your step children aren’t interested in your parents anyway, they just want to go to the nice house.

Appreciate your parents for what they already do and stop trying to force other people’s children on them.

If my friends kid was staying with us on a day we had planned to pop into my Mom's, she'd be OK with me bringing the random kid with me. This aren't random kids. They're future grans child's siblings. They'll hopefully be at every birthday celebration of their two grandkids. In the wedding party of their GC weddings. Aunts and Uncles to their GGC. Acting like the don't exist or are something to avoid isn't something decent people do.

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP.

Yes you can.

I agree with this.

I was trying to put my finger on what I find a bit odd about the way you're framing it and I think it's that it feels like you're seeing it as a big treat for your step children to go to this great house and your parents as being mean for not "allowing" them entrance

But I think in most families, it would all be more relaxed than this, it would more be that when you were planning to see them, if it was a weekend the step children were with you, that they would naturally be included. I.e you might text and say "hey are you free for us to pop over" and that would naturally include the whole household, you wouldn't specifically ask for permission to bring the step kids

It just seems really strange that it's been three years and they have barely met if they're with you half the time

Just take your child to see your parents in the 50% of time your stepchildren aren't with you.

Some people just aren't interested in children very much. They love the ones related to them (evolutionary strategy, we love those who share our genes) and have no interest in being around any other children.

My Great Aunt was like this - adored her grandchildren, otherwise could not stand kids. She was much more interested when we were around 17 or 18. She was fascinating to talk to when I was that old, but she steered clear of us all as children.

I don't have DC of my own so slightly different but my Mum is very welcoming of DSS.

She takes him on days out, collects him from school and gives him dinner etc.

Buys him birthday, Xmas, Easter gifts etc.

I think it's really sad and mean what your parents are doing.

@Theelephantinthecastle i understand what you’re saying here, but we obviously haven’t lived together for 3 years and I’ve accepted things need to go slowly and not tried to forge any kind of ‘they’re also your grand parents’ sentiment. It’s a place in the countryside with lots of animals, so yeah the step kids do thing it’s an amazing place to visit.

to those saying I could stop my DC from seeing his GP, I just don’t know how any of you could have the heart to do that to a child who already has an absent father. They are absolutely doting and loving grand parents who have been there for him from day 1.

to the posters saying they want a 1:1 relationship with him, I think that is definitely true, but visiting a few times a year with all of the kids wouldn’t prevent that being the case most of the time.

I think some of the replies are nuts- especially the ones saying that the grandparents are being like this because Op isn't married. Marrying doesn't give the OP or her parents more rights in terms of the step children

I think it's fine that your parents don't consider your stepchildren as equal to your children. I think it's rude to ask OP not to bring them at all considering that there's no concrete reason like bad behaviour. Lots of children stay with their parents friends so I don't see the fact that the stepchildren want to stay with adults who they don't consider grandparents as problematic. The stepchildren don't go every time OP's ds goes to his grandparents house so I think that OP's parents are mean not to host the stepchildren occasionally.

Do you ever have your parents visit when the stepchildren are with you? If so, I would be stopping that immediately even if it's important times of year like Christmas or children's birthdays.

Can you not ask your mum what's her rationale?

Blended families are no longer the exception to the rule so asking her to clarify her position and why will help you with yours.

You've chosen to accept these children into your lives. You sound like a lovely step mum.

I think they may be wary of their time with their grandchild being eroded if the step children are there more and this may be exacerbated by their home being seen as an attraction.

I would start by inviting them over more when your stepchildren are around rather than inviting yourselves all over to their place and you might find they relax a bit.

I totally understand why you don't want to cut them out of your son's life and I would feel the same way.

I think when we are young we think our DP are the absolute ethical measure but when when we get a bit older and have our own life experiences and discover our values don't align it can be quite jarring.

My parents have very little relationship with my DC, every time they are together DF posts on fb about how he loves his grandsons but they live 15 minutes away and I haven't seen them in months. Their church life is much more important than spending 15 minutes a week with their grandchildren. My DB says 'that's so sad I'll speak to them' but I don't want him to speak to them, I want them to actually have an interest in their lives. I don't make a big deal about it, they have no responsibility to them but it absolutely does affect how I feel about them, I feel very disappointed in them all the time.

Your DP are being cruel. They don't have to treat him as a grandson but they need to treat him as they would any other child. If it was an adult they were rejecting it would be called out.

Your DS doesn't have his biological father around. To deny him a relationship with his biological grandparents who love him would be a really shitty thing to do. Do your DSCs have grandparents on their mother's side? Do not let your son go without to spare your DSC. I would certainly step back but I would still facilitate a relationship between them and my child.

To argue the GP’s side, why would they embrace your DSC? For the last three years you’ve just been their dad’s girlfriend. If that relationship had ended, you’d never see the children again. They saw your first relationship break down, so presumably aren’t naive to the fact that romance can go sour.

Things will change a little once the baby’s here in that there’ll be a formal tie between the two families, but even that only goes from you through DC2 to DP and DSC.

If the relationship fails (and I certainly hope it doesn’t!), DC2 will be the only one in your family to have any “right” to see DSC as they will be DC2’s siblings. They’ll be out of your and DC1’s lives. Your parents might only ever see DSC again if they live long enough for a major milestone occasion in DC2’s life, like a wedding, and that certainly doesn’t warrant treating them like family.

And let’s keep in mind that, still, DSC aren’t even DSC, but boyfriend’s children…

So, yeah, truthfully I’m not sure I would bother either. Maybe if there’s a wedding they’ll change their calculations, but I don’t think they are acting entirely irrational given the circumstances.

Do they like your partner?

An awful situation. My fathers mother didn’t like my mum and when she had me only wanted to see me. My father gave her an ultimatum , either accept my mum or she wouldn’t see me. She gave in and they had a truce for the next ………… years. Maybe if you tried this?
Hope everything works out xx

I understand your parents. They want to have a bond, quality time and all their attention given to their grandchild. What I don't understand why do you need to bring your DSC to your parents anyway.. Aren't they supposed to spend 50% time they are due to spend with their dad with him rather than dad's girlfriend's parents? I think it would make sense for you to go to see your parents along with your kids so DSC can spend some quality time with their father without you and your kids.
Why are you so eager to push this 'one happy blended family' story in your parents?

It’s a place in the countryside with lots of animals, so yeah the step kids do thing it’s an amazing place to visit.

We live in a similar place and have sheep, horses, dogs, ducks, chickens etc. I would be on edge with children who are not used to visiting. Nieces, nephews and friends children know the boundaries and rules of visiting ie you do not go out of the garden or near the loch (our garden backs on to the loch shore), you do not pull at my dogs, chase the ducks or chickens or run amok in the stable blocks, you are quiet around my horses, you never ever go near the farm machinery. Children need to be very closely supervised that aren’t used to visiting as the others have grown up in similar environments. Could your mum be worried?

I’m shocked that there has been suggestions to stop the GP’s seeing their DGC, stop visiting them etc on this thread. It never fails to surprise me on MN how quickly people are willing to break life long relationships to get their own way. I have SC and would never have tried to force a relationship with my parents and the SC.

This OP

Very much this.

Perhaps start with expressing how much your ds has benefited from having additional grandparents and effectively blending the family with your dp’s side of the family. Talk about them in front of your ds and try to involve him in the conversation so that he can confirm this. Then tell them how much your ds talks about how he also loves being with your parents.

You can say you’d be devastated if your dp’s parents didn’t want to know your ds. And so would your ds. Maybe this will make them think rather than shame them. And if it doesn’t, you can talk about how you’re mortified they’re acting this way and talk about how they’re making bad choices for how much involvement they have with your ds.

At the end of the day, I imagine your ds sees your dscs as siblings, he is likely not going to take kindly to their attitude in the future. Perhaps they also need reminding that children don’t remain malleable and biddable forever.

YANBU.

ExMIL behaved like this, and it was awful. Insisted the step grandchildren weren't cousins when she could have just kept her big mouth shut when the DCs were counting their cousins, gave Christmas gifts to everyone else but a small amount in cash in a plain envelope to the step grandchildren. Made it abundantly clear that she was a first class bitch, not that there was ever any doubt.

The whole "he has his own grandparents and the stepkids have theirs" goes out the window a bit when there is a blended family though. Op is having a baby with her new dp so the keeping the families separate ship has sailed.