Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

Even saying her parents are being a pain about what are the options, really think about it.

Op stops son going. Well that’s not a good answer now is it.

Op forces the steps on her parents, that’s not going to work either.

Blended families come with issues as we see time and time again. The step children are there 50% of the time, if the grandparents decide to not come to a birthday party that’s on them, they either give their excuse to their grandchild or a simple nanny and grandad are busy they will pop in X day to see you.

Loads just seeming to put the step childrens interests above the grandsons with his own grandparents. Like if they can’t see nanny and grandad nobody should 🙄 it’s not a Mars bar or a snickers. I’m sure they see people ops son never will. I’m sure they share stories of exciting places they go to and people they see who again neither of op’s children will ever meet or see. That’s the simple life of blended families each set of children will hear stories and visit places the others won’t.

How old are these children? Your posts makes them all sound rather young.

Ultimately you reap what you sow.

OPs parents are very determined to follow this course of action. lt will affect their relationships with their daughters and her family. It already has.

I feel sorry for OP right in the middle.

So how do parents explain to their children how they may not be invited to spend time at the home of the step kid's maternal grandparents? Surely, the step kids talk about the time and experiences with those grandparents.

If the step kids understand that it is acceptable for the OP's son not to attend events at their maternal grandparents home, why would they be offended to not attend events at the OP's parents? Do they suffer from selective confusion?

Will the step children expect to take their half brother to their maternal grandparents? How will you explain this situation to your son?

Adults create these artificial and reasonable facsimile relationships and then expect that these relationships will be easy and acceptable to others.

It speaks to a willingness to configure and reconfigure your life and an expectation that others will accommodate the situation regardless of their thoughts and feelings.

I love my children beyond measure ,and I will make many accommodations to contribute to their happiness, but I also expect them to be able to accept and respect my boundaries as well. I don't expect them to feel cheated when or if a day comes that I am forced to say that a particular situation is beyond what I can or am willing to accept. They know and have experienced the measure of my love for them and would necessarily know that my saying I cannot do or participate in a certain event or process is not a decision lightly made.

I have been a step child for almost all of my life, I am now a parent and a step parent.

My parents send birthday/Christmas/Easter gifts for my step children, but they have little interest in spending time them. That is fine - it is their choice. I don’t expect my partners parents to be anything other than perfunctorily kind to my child, either.

I was very fond of my step grandparents, they were fond of me. I don’t think for a second they loved me as much as they loved their own grandchildren. They were kind, always sent Christmas/birthday/Easter gifts etc. I saw them occasionally. I was fond of them because they were nice over a long period of time not because we spent vast amounts of time together.

@SemperIdem your last paragraph absolutely sums up the most I would ever have anticipated. I in no way want my parents to treat my step-children as their own grandchildren.

That relationship took time, and I’ve no idea of the conversations that may or may not have taken place over the years to make it the way it was.

I think because I grew up with divorced parents and an element of blended families, though not the full step siblings/half siblings deal, I’m really pragmatic about it all.

Do I love my step children as though they are my own - no. Do I love them and want the absolute best for them - yes.

My parents and sibling did not choose these additional children, at the moment my step children don’t feel like family. And that is ok, the wider family relationships take time and cannot be forced. It all takes time.

That clearly comes across from your messages. Refusing to come over if they’re even in the house is not usual behaviour. My parents would refuse to pop in if any of our kids were having friends over. And they are part of your family. My DH is related to my siblings children through his relationship with me. He still values and loves them and views them as nieces and nephews.

Their maternal grandparents are pretty irrelevant because they’d be seeing them in the time they’re with their mother, not their father.

The issue isn’t that they have separate sets of grandparents it’s that the OP’s parents want to see her and her DS, but not even be in the same room as children that live with her half the time.

@tabulahrasa
Sorry, this has been a long thread and sometimes hard to follow if you don't constantly go back to read the additional post.

I thought that in large measures the problem resulted from the step kids wanting to visit the OP's parents farm land with the various animals . I thought that it was described as a setting that was quite appealing for children.
It seemed from the description that the children must have visited at least once to be wanting to go back.

It's a horrible realisation that your parents really aren't very nice people, isn't it?

And what will happen as your children get older and question them as to why the rest of their family isn't welcome?

What are your siblings views? Do they know?

She's pregnant! That at least implies permanence!

And as an 'older' person, I think her parents are behaving very, very badly

Based on your recent posts, your parents are clearly hugely against this relationship in the strongest sense of the word.

They don't have the strength of their convictions to have banned your partner, preferring to ban his children.

He has taken the opportunity to ban him by now rightly refusing to go near their home.

I find it hard to believe that this is in total isolation from them, that they have never shown their displeasure before for any choice you have made.

Are you from vastly different socio-economic backgrounds?

Is he poorly educated?

Don't be rushing to marry if it isn't financially wise.

I think you will have to accept their wishes and see them occasionally when it suits you.

Obviously seeing your siblings in your own home when you can.

There's is a very strong reaction of intense dislike for your choices, irrespective of whether the will admit it or not.

Pity that two nice children are being used as collateral damage in it all.

Very ugly, unkind behaviour from them, but I wouldn't be begging them to change.

@billy1966

I find it hard to believe that this is in total isolation from them, that they have never shown their displeasure before for any choice you have made.

• they have always been quite vocally judgemental about choices I have made (about my career choice, which house to buy and even whether or not I should be a lone parent). But genuinely with time they have themselves acknowledged on all these that I made the right choice for me even if it wasn’t the one they would have made. I suppose I can only hope the same will happen regarding my DP.

Are you from vastly different socio-economic backgrounds? Is he poorly educated?

   • yes and no. His family I suppose are more working-class but he has gone to university as an adult and is very intelligent (just in a different field to me). Ultimately though we have similar equity from our homes and although I currently earn more that’s because I haven’t changed careers, his career will outstrip mine very quickly and has far higher earning potential. Ultimately though my mom was the breadwinner for most of my life and my dads parents disapproved of their marriage because they thought she was lower class, so I don’t know why they would be bothered about that. My brothers wife is far less educated than him and they don’t have an issue with her.

@Mari9999

yes they have been twice. Once when my parents were there and once when they were away and asked us to mind their animals for the weekend. It’s not a farm but a countryside home with a large garden and some animals (geese, chickens, bees, cats and a dog). The surrounding farms have fields with animals in and there are some nice walks. Basically it’s a nice house and area but it’s not anything expansive. the children want to visit because it’s a nice place but predominantly because my DS talks about it to them as he loves it there as it’s his GP home.

I currently earn more that’s because I haven’t changed careers, his career will outstrip mine very quickly and has far higher earning potential. Ultimately though my mom was the breadwinner for most of my life and my dads parents disapproved of their marriage because they thought she was lower class, so I don’t know why they would be bothered about that.

Is there some unresolved issue about the fact that your mum was the breadwinner? You're currently in the same boat, and I wonder if they're projecting. Your parents likely grew up and formed their opinions about how life should be at a time when gender roles were more rigid. This might explain their horror or you being a lone parent too.

So they have form for having strong opinions on your choices and verbalising and challenging them?.

They eventually acknowledge the veracity of your decisions.

This really isn't such a big surprise then OP.

Perhaps they will come around.

My parents never once challenged my choices as an adult, and it really isn't something I'm familiar with in my circle of close friends.

Once I was financially independent, this is what I and most young adults would expect.

Bounce ideas off your parents but for them to be challenging me with disapproval? Definitely not.

After college most of my friends and me headed off travelling and found jobs, or were working and took leave, travelling, moving country, experiencing life.

Somehow all without comment 35 years ago!

I think you should reflect on that.

I think there is a high degree of unhealthy enmeshment involved here and I get a distinct whiff of disapproval and "punishment" from your posts.

Perhaps some distance will give you perspective on all of this.

So op could it be they see them self in a different class ? And in their eyes your dating "down"

I have a similar thing in my family. Very affluent family, old money. And surprise surprise I didn't want to date any of the old money types they would have preferred me to seek.

It didn't really matter who I married but because it wasn't who they had hoped for they gave me the disapproval in a subtle version. Then I was considered one of my families quirky characters (a few of them in my family tree) and they wrote it off as ahh that's just how she is. My dh is now distinctly blue collar by their standards of profession. And ironically he earns similar to me (both in the 80k mark jobs just him being self employed) just type of jobs.

My gran asked if my dh when meeting him for the first time if he had been in the army or in prison (she was nearing 100 years old) and my dh took it in good humour while I died of shame at my families quite blatant ignorance.
And in fairness to my granny my dh is build like a lovely sturdy shed and doesn't seem v friendly. But when it boiled down to it they saw he made me happy so now joke not to tick him off or he will eat them 🙄😒 but it took time. A lot of time. But they did come around.

It depends if they usually show the disproval so outwardly or if it's more subtle. And if their actions re dh fits in with that pattern ?

If it's subtle it's probably the change tbh. Old folk don't like change as a rule of thumb

This is really strange. My friend has a daughter and both her and ex are remarried, and the daughter literally thinks she ha 8 grandparents as new partners parents spoil her so much! What a shame.

Have you even asked parents what it's all about. Perhaps in an email. Ask if there particular worries or anything that happened on last visit? Say it will be v difficult to take some kids and not the others so you'll be able to pop by more if all together?

Do they come to your house when invited? What are they like with sc then?

Just as an update.

Some weeks after I gave birth the stress and upset of the situation was unbearable (hormones probably played a part, but things like my parents not visiting for days after I got home from hospital despite being 10 minutes away - I can only assume because they knew we had the step children at home) and I was in constant tears over it all. I tried to talk to my mom who just told me not to bother going round to see them if that’s how I felt. They then demanded that they be able to pick my older son up and take him to theirs that weekend when they knew we were all home. They accused me of being a bad mother and being spiteful when I refused and reiterated my agreement that they could see him on days we weren’t all together. I have maintained that and he goes to see pretty much every week (sleeping over about once a month).

The only way in which my parents have budged at all is that they attended my son’s birthday party with us all there. So they have now seen my step-kids 4 times in 4 years.

After some sad family news (unrelated to my parents) I decided to visit them occasionally, but it is all very strained and the close relationship I thought I had (particularly with my mom) feels like it has been obliterated. I love her but feel on egg-shells whenever I go round in case I bring more judgment of my life-choices and family. I tend to only visit once a fortnight for the benefit of my sons so that they don’t understand what is going on. So, in many ways my parents have got what they wanted in only seeing their biological family, but in the process they have definitely lost the spontaneity and frequency of our visits or the close involvement in my life.

This thread did help me a lot but I’m afraid I have no pearls of wisdom for anyone going through something similar as I haven’t found a solution that makes any of us happy, except mostly my older DS who is too young to understand/know what is happening. He was however very confused and upset that we weren’t all able to go on Christmas Day though as in his own words ‘but we all fit in the car’. I couldn’t think of what to say except ‘it’s too many people for grandma and grandad’ even though once he’s older he’ll do the maths and realise far more family members were there on Boxing Day and that meal. So, he’s happy for now but I don’t know how I will navigate the future and him or my younger son realising that they half/step-siblings aren’t welcome.

I probably won’t update again unless there is some significant change but I did want to come back and thank everyone who replied (even if you didn’t agree with me that I should have an issue with this at all).

Thank you for updating.

This is one of those situations I just can't fathom at all as to why your parents would be so dismissive of your step kids.

It sounds like you've found a balance you can justify.

Whether your DS will be able to in the future only time will tell.

Sending you lots of love as I don't think you were in any way expecting / asking too much of them.

Gosh. Whilst you’re doing your parents bidding, this will never change. But I think you’ve accepted it won’t change. Visiting fortnightly is a lot.

P.s. I feel I should add that I feel a bit like I imagine many separated parents do with regards to my son’s contact with my parents. They have hurt me and I don’t feel as loved by them as I once did, but they are so important to him and are parental figures to him who he may grow up to realise are flawed (as I’m sure I am too) but who love him and who he loves - thus contact needs to continue and I facilitate and organise it for his sake.

I think you need to accept that they have no reason to want to see your step kids.
If you turn your perspective that way, from their point of view, you can see how from their point of view it's your insistence that's abnormal. So then from their point of view you've lead to the deteriorating of the relationship by making it conditional with your insistence...
That's a mirror image of the position from your side, if you try to put yourself in their shoes.

This.

I know that is how they see things. For me that still means they would rather not see me and their biological grandsons during the 50% of the time I am with my step-children. That seems more than just not having any reason to see them but an absolute refusal to acknowledge their existence at all or be in the same room as them even if that means not seeing me and my sons as often. I have not and will not ever again ask to take my step-children to their home but I don’t think you can reject my family and relationship choices and then expect to have the same relationship with me thereafter.