Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

@Tiredtiredtired100 just read your most recent update and I actually hate saying this but I really do feel sorry for your son.

He's asking to see them. Couldn't they come pick him up and take him to theirs ?

Sorry to hear your parents are still holding firm on this. It's so petty and small minded of them.

How do you see yourself managing the newborn days when everyone wants to see the new baby?
They'll be understandably be wanting to see their new GC and your SDC will be wanting to see their new sibling and your partner won't visit where his kids aren't welcome.

I feel sorry for you managing all that OP. They really are selfish.

Good for you. Do you feel like you can explain t them that at some point their grandchildren will pick up on it and it will affect their relationship with them?

How are you thinking this will all work with a newborn?

They accept your newborn, but not its siblings?

Your partner may have an issue with this.

Your partner isn't isolating you, your parents are.

They don't care in the least if you are upset, they are determined to get their way.

I really think you need to be thinking about when the baby arrives and how you will navigate it.

If you don't you risk very stressful times when the baby arrives and potentially a lot of stress with your partner.

But this leads to further issues. If she gets into the habit of this now, what about when the baby arrives?

If the parents will only come and pick up the son because they won't spend time at OPs house due to the siblings, how will they build a relationship with the new baby? Then they're not just treating their biological grandson different to the stepgrandchild, but actually treating that biological grandchild differently too.

What about birthday parties? Will they refuse to go to family birthday parties with the DP and stepkids there? They will be at the new babies parties - the DP will not be missing his own childs birthday celebrations and I would hope OP would put her foot down on not celebrating seperately with her side of the family and excluding not only the babies half siblings but also its father!

OP is going to have another child to consider now. While the older boy has a good relationship with grandparents now, she also can't allow the grandparents to treat her 2 biological kids differently. The son will also pick up on the differences in treatment and that can also be extremely damaging.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs I get the feeling actually this less about the DSc and more about op dh. I think even op doesn't know the actual reasons why this is happening (it seems the parents don't want to be around ops dh and DSc and people have lasered in on it must be the DSc) but willing to be wrong

If the grandparents are decent grandparents (I assume they are as they have a good relationship with ops son) I assume they would be happy to take ops son and new baby off to the park for a few hours and develop a relationship with new baby.

It's repeated on here that DSc get to chose who they want or do not want to see (which I think is fair) but apparently that doesn't extend to ops children ?

If we are talking about damage limitation I suppose ops son won't understand why he's no longer allowed to see his grandparents and when he's older and they are gone, I can't imagine that he won't resent his step children's presence stopping contact with his belated grandparents. Not great for relations between siblings (step). Even if it's explained to him that grandparents didn't want to see DSc so they stopped it,he will ask the question but did they want to see me and or my sibling ?

Why did you stop that ?
They are the only grandparents I and sibling have ...

Also if this relationship ends, years will have been lost for what ? How will op explain that to her son and child.

It's worth considering and I don't condone the grandparents here. Just a perspective of all the children here.

I do think it needs some very careful treading.

Op stops the son going, son asks grandparents one day and it’s pinned on mum and step dad won’t let you come when steps are there, your not allowed because we don’t want to watch steps, your not allowed because step dad won’t come, no your baby sister/brother can’t come with you to ours because step dad says no etc

The relationship between ops son and his grandparents shouldn’t suffer because they don’t want to share their home or lives with the step children as such that does just spoil for resentment between son and the step siblings.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs exactly.

How are things supposed to work when the new baby arrives?

Will they expect to see it only on their terms?

Will they expect to dictate all gatherings be minus two siblings.

This will be very difficult, made difficult by THEM.

The OP entertaining them now and accepting this behaviour is just kicking the can down the road.

What if her husband says I will not accept my older children having to be absent in their home before your parents will visit?

Who would tolerate this? Really?

If it was a reverse, I would be telling the OP to tell her inlaws to go to hell, they don't get to dictate her family life.

Will she get married and not include her step children?

What about a christening?

Would the children be forced to stay home, out of sight because of her parents?

This will only get harder and more upsetting.

No one has asked them to accept step grandchildren.
Those children sure as hell don't need the likes of the OP's parents in their lives, when their fathers parents are clearly a far better calibre of people.

All they were asked was to accept them as children in their daughter's life.

I think they have a ferocious cheek, care little for their daughter or her happiness, and absolutely do not respect her.

Deferment of these realities will only make things worse IMO.

@Tiredtiredtired100
It does not seem as though your partner are trying to influence your personal feelings of definition of " your family. " it does not seem as though you are not comfortable extending them the same courtesy.

So many people are saying how they would feel or do feel in comparable situation, but are your parents not entitled to feel as they feel. I probably wouldn't feel the way that they feel, but I wouldn't be hurt or offended because their feelings and actions were not the same as mine.
There are no universal feelings that people have about your situation. You are entitled to your feelings, and your parents are not wrong for having the feeling that they have. You do not know what informs their feelings and if or until they choose to discuss, you may never know.

What you do know is that they love you and your biological children, and that is a lot to be grateful .
Your children are not denied love, and your step children are not missing anything to which they are entitled and likely do not miss.

Hang on a minute, you told your son that his grandparents didn't want to come visit and have left him to think that they don't want to see him?! That's cruel, almost like your punishing him?
I'm going to be honest here OP, the only time I have experienced anything remotely similar is within my family and relations were soured due to the guy cheating. I think theres more going on here than you are willing to share which is fair enough. Your son is the one I feel for in all of this. Do not have him growing up with people telling him he was isolated from his maternal family due to his step siblings. He will not thank any of you for it.

@jemimapuddlepluck that was my read on it too. Glad I'm not the only one !

She said the parents said her partner could come when the kids weren't with them, that is very much targetted at the kids and the parents have given no explanation.

Maybe they would be happy to take baby off with the son, but OP shouldn't be expected to hand off her newborn to her parents for a few hours because they refuse to form a relationship with said newborn in the presence of said newborns half-siblings!

She isn't stopping them seeing the son. She still goes sometimes and will presumably take baby also. However, if they refuse to let the whole family come, then the chances to go see them will be significantly reduced. At the end of the day, her partner is her newborns father. He will be there, along with half siblings, on holidays, birthdays etc. They will spend a lot of weekend time together. They are a family. Her partner should not miss out on time with his own child, especially on special occasions, because mums parents have an issue. They will still see her parents, but only at points where her partner and stepkids are elsewhere rather than the much more numerous times enjoyed by his parents that are happy to include everyone.

What if OPs son was having a birthday party and OPs son wants to invite his step-siblings and grandparents and the grandparents say they won't come if the partner and step-siblings are there? OPs sons choice is to have both. Should OP exclude them to facilitate the grandparents coming? How does she explain that to her son either way?

What was she supposed to do? Her parents have put her in a ridiculous situation. She invited them, they said no. Should she have:

1. told him she wouldn't invite them for no reason, making son upset at her (wrongly)
2. told him they didn't want to but not say why (yes, he thinks they don't want to come see him - but it is true they don't want to see him enough to be around his step-siblings in their own bloody house!)
3. tell him that they won't come because step siblings are there leading to questions and upset and potential resentment and fighting between them
4. say they're busy, but her parents could refute this later and may make son feel like other plans are more important than him.

Ultimately the parents awful behaviour has left her in a bad situation and she has to do damage limitation. The issue is her parents are being very unfair and excluding innocent children for no good reason. But I somehow doubt her explaining her parents shortcomings to her young child that adores them is going to help their relationship either!

I'm baffled @candlesflamesandbrooms . I don't agree with the grandparents stance but I believe it so important that this boy maintains a good relationship with them.
I would sit in their house and refuse to leave until they gave me a proper explanation and telling them it was affecting their grandson negatively. Somethings gone on between them and the partner I reckon and they are trying not to rock the boat albeit cackhandedly.

Then why are they saying the partner can come when kids aren't with them? It's clearly targetted at the kids. There's no excuse for excluding innocent kids like this, no explanation suitable. They're not being expected to treat them 100% equally for gods sake, just tolerate being in the same house as them! They won't even come over to OPs house where the step kids live if they are there!

There’s clearly been a big issue between op/ops partner /ops parents that op doesn’t want to actually share.

Again the only looser here is her existing child who’s losing a relationship that’s existing because of an issue between his stepfather and his grandparents basically.

Op makes them sound like great grandparents to her child and even nice to their friends children.

Maybe the issue isn’t actually the children at all but they know they can keep him away if they don’t welcome his children.

Op child is now spending less time with his grandparents and ops now spending less time with her parents who have originally had a good relationship. To benefit who thought… not her child or herself.

Sorry but - you wouldn’t go because he might be upset at being alone for a few hours? Is he also a child?

I go to see my parents without my partner sometimes, always have done. We are a couple, not a symbiotic entity.

She does go see them without him all the time. That was referring to her going to her parents house on boxing day and leaving him home alone, taking their newborn with her on their newborns first Christmas.

Why should he miss out spending his childs first boxing day with them and instead spend it alone when it's the parents that have an issue?

Are we pretending that Boxing Day is a special day now? A special first?

Are we pretending that Boxing Day is a special day now? A special first?

Weird.

No pretending necessary. Yes it is a "thing" for some. Clearly not you.

Will the new baby be christened? That day could be a shocker- thanks to the parents.

There’s so many responses here and so much to unpack but to clarify:

1. my parents have never had any kind of falling out with my DP and he has never said or done anything to create conflict.

2. they always disapproved of our relationship because he had kids. This is hypocritical given that I already had a child but it was and clearly still is their view that a blended family is a bad thing.

3. yes they do expect me to bring round the new baby and my son without the step-children. This was made clear by my mom in the initial conversation that sparked this whole thread. I have a lot of stress and worry about how this will play out and what relationship they will have with our new baby, but I really don’t know how to manage it. On weekends we don’t have the step-kids we will want to do things as a family of 4 sometimes rather than me heading off to visit my parents and leaving my dp alone. So we will have to play things by ear but I certainly won’t be organising all our family plans around visiting my parents.

4. my dp has stated he will take me to see them in the weeks following the birth when I am
   unable to drive (c-section) as he will take me wherever I want to go and has no intention of stopping me from seeing them. He won’t be joining in the visit though.

5. to those suggesting they pick him up and spend time with him, they do this sometimes (when I last had a scan for instance and as I’m a teacher my mom always offers to have him for a day in the holidays so I can get some work done) and I am not stopping this or my visits, as it is important that he continues his relationship with them. But my visits are inevitably fewer now and there is no way to avoid that given that 50% of the time I can’t visit and I’m not automatically free for the remaining 50% of my time and nor are they.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs thank you, you summed up exactly the awkward situation my parents put me in. I under no circumstances would tell my son his gp don’t want to see him, but I told him they didn’t want to come round because that was the truth and he was asking me lots of questions and suggesting that they could come round and that I ask them to.

@OhmygodDont agreed with what you put tbh

@ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen this is something op put.

"I agree but if my DP is upset at the notion of a few hours alone in the afternoon then I won’t think he’s being unreasonable and I won’t go."

The problem is she's saying she won't go if her dh doesn't go and obviously that means the kids go.

I recon they don't like her dp and actually saying if the DSc can't come, dp has to stay behind. And he's got upset enough to ensure op doesn't go without him

Which is a concern.

So maybe he had pulled the they hate my kids.. which stops her looking at her dp. And she's skated around this question re her dp tbh

I think even op said it they are good kids. Morally nice kindly grandparents don't suddenly turn into evil step grandparents who hate certain children on sight. If it was the kids I'm sure there are easier things to blame "aka they are noisy to many of them our house is small" than staying absolutely stum on the topic.

This doesn't pass the smell test tbh. I'm sorry but as much as fairytales exist, I struggle to see why they would take a dislike to normal children who are well behaved (I believe op when she says this) and never have I come across normal grandparents who have historically been kind and supportive suddenly turn into demons for no reason.

It's not the DSc it's the dp and I think op knows it. Tbh.

It doesn't make sense. Something has happened and god knows it's not hating tbh DSc. I suspect a controlling dp whos isolating op from her family and her dear parents don't want to rock the boat with a pregnant women for fear of losing their own child.

@candlesflamesandbrooms i really wish I could prove to you that my DP is not evil or controlling but I can’t because you don’t know him. I am 100% not being controlled by him. I love him and don’t want to allow my family to drive a wedge between us because they dislike him and/or his kids. They do invite him round when his kids aren’t with us, so that makes it seem like the kids are the issue, but I agree that they don’t want us to be together though the only reason they ever gave me (back when we began dating) was because he had kids already and that meant my DS wouldn’t be an only child. They’re entitled to that view but I don’t have to end my relationship because they don’t like my DP, when both me and my DS are happy and loved.

@Tiredtiredtired100 tbf I hadn't seen your most recent update.

Honestly I don't know what to suggest. I think your parents view is utterly bizarre. I know people don't like steps having siblings and people think dimly on the 2nd family but haven't ever heard of this tbh.

I do think though that the DSc aren't the reason why, as you said they are good kids. But I'm also not convinced that you know there true reason. That's not helpful I know.

But this all doesn't fit right ?

@candlesflamesandbrooms i agree that I don’t know their true reason. They won’t give me one and maybe that’s because they know it would be far too hurtful, but as it is I’m still hurt and the situation isn’t being resolved.