Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

How’s your relationship in general with your parents?... because tbh, they’re not sounding like particularly nice people.

I think I’d struggle maintaining a relationship with them, or allowing my children to either, not in an ultimatum type way or anything like that, but just, because they’re being really unpleasant and why would I want to spend time with someone being that unpleasant to children?

I’ve gone on holiday to my mum’s with my D.C. and taken a friend’s child with me, she just said sure she made up another bed.

@tabulahrasa i thought I had a really good relationship with them until now. To be fair I lived far away until I had my DS and as a lone parent needed to move somewhere more affordable so moved home. They were an amazing support then but the lockdowns did force us apart. My job meant I had to be around a lot of people and I couldn’t form a bubble with them as they were vulnerable, but I could see my DP and so I know they were very jealous that he got more time with my DS than them, but that wasn’t a choice it was crap circumstances. Once they were vaccinated I saw lots of them again and did not push for them to also see the step kids as I knew they had missed my DS, I wasn’t trying to force anything and also at that point we didn’t live together and weren’t having a child together. So for a long time I kept things almost totally separate and didn’t think that was an issue. I did expect that me and my dp having a child together (which was planned and wanted by us both and that all the kids are excited about) and of course us living together (which involved selling houses etc. so was no small commitment) ought to be enough to show the seriousness of our relationship and that they would understand we are a family, but clearly I was wrong.

with regards to marriage, that’s a personal decision for us to make (though as some have highlighted we may have to elope). But honestly I don’t see why when we’ve bought a house together and are having a baby together that isn’t considered serious enough. Finances when married are complicated in blended families and my personal view is that it wouldn’t necessarily give me any more security than I have now and would complicate wills etc. We may get married, but it will be because we want to not for security or to prove anything to my parents.

Just wondered if maybe there were bigger issues somewhere.

I could be on board with not treating them like their grandchildren, but to refuse to be around them at all even if it means they won’t see you or your DS is just so unkind.

Thinking about it, I told my mum I was bringing a random (to her) child twice with mine to stay and she didn’t bat an eyelid at it, you’d think they could at least bring themselves to be around your DP’s children occasionally, just out of common courtesy.

Unfortunately I think you will never get to the root of this until you step away.

For them to dislike him and his children so much that they would be prepared to see substantially less of their grandchild IS extraordinary and not normal IMO.

They seem a bit disordered/fixated/preoccupied on sticking to their position at all cost.

Really not normal nor healthy.

Not wanting to view them as grandchildren, absolutely their choice.

Not being able to tolerate sharing space with them? Really ugly and unpleasant.

This may never be resolved but it will cause only escalating prolonged drama by you not getting to the absolute root of it and refuse to be fobbed off.

@Tiredtiredtired100
At the end of the day, you and your partner and his family got to choose the kind of relationship that you would have with the respective step children, and seemingly you approved of the decisions that were made.

Your parents happen for reasons of their own,happen to have a different outlook and a different definition of family and for that they are being vilified.

You and certainly no one on this thread know why they have the feelings and reactions that they have. What you do know is that they were there for you and your child during a very difficult time, and that they love you and their grandchild very much. It sounds as though they were good parents to you and loving grandparents to your son and will probably be loving grandparents to the child that you are carrying.

That they recognize that they don't have those same family feelings and ties to your step children is not something for which they should be criticized. You have not stated that they try in any to persuade you to change your feelings about the step children. You state that other non related children are allowed to visit their home, but none if these children come with the expectation that they should be received as family.

You do not indicate any instance in which your parents have demonstrated any rude or unacceptable behavior towards these children. It seems that they are only asking and expecting what most of us take for granted- the right to define family for ourselves and the right to determine who we invite and entertain as guests in our home.

While most of us might choose to be a bit more accepting in your parents situation, it is a bit hypocritical to criticize them for exercising the right to make the choices about home and family that we all get to make.

If their choice causes them to lose time with their grandchildren, that becomes a situation in which both the grandparents and the grandchildren become the losers and yet the stepchildren neither gain nor lose anything.

@Tiredtiredtired100 just to say, a relationship with grandparents is 100% not an essential part of a happy upbringing and childhood. Of course, it's lovely if it happens, but millions of parents bring their DCs up with minimal or no input from GPs, whether it's because they live too far away, are no longer with us, don't like the partner or simply can't be arsed/have no interest.

Your parents have made their choice – and it's a choice they are entitled to make, but it has the inevitable consequence of your DS seeing less of them. In your position I would be asking myself whether not having a relationship with people who hate his step-siblings is that big a loss for your DS…

This little boy already has a relationship with his grandparents though? He is not used to having “no input” in his life from them.

I would not deprive my child of a relationship with their grandparents for my step children, in the op’s shoes.

Can we at least stop with the narrative of this being about DSc kids.

No one knows for sure what the reason is but I do think op could have a good stab at it if she was honest with herself (but maybe right now that's too painful) the fact it's been allowed to be made about the DSc means that the issue the grandparents have is even more unpalatable to op than the grandparents disliking the DSc. Which by ops own posts don't make sense.

Good caring parents who love and care for their child don't suddenly do this for no reason and I'm sorry but DSc isn't a reason that actually fits.

Op I suspect it's your dp. I think you suspect it deep down and probably so does your dp.

The most obvious reason is often the right one. It's completely bonkers to me that it would be the DSc near presence making previous loving and kind parents lose out on time with their daughter and grandchild. It doesn't fit.

Unless they were monsters or abusive or that's their mo their entirety of their lives. Something is up.

Whether you can do anything about it is a very different thing.

I speak as a step kid. You stop your grandchildren from having contact for whatever the reason. It will come back to bite you.

@candlesflamesandbrooms
Is it possible r that they grandparents have formed an attachment to step kids in the past only to have them disappear when the relationship ends? Perhaps, they are protecting their own hearts from what they view as inevitable hurt.

They may view OP'S new partner as not being significantly different from her previous partner. They may think that they have no say in who the OP chooses as a partner, but they do have a say about the non related children that they welcome into their home.

Unfortunately, they may view the relationship marching to what they view as its inevitable conclusion, and they want as little involvement as possible in the process.

The OP has the ability to limit her children's access to their grandparents, thus hurting both her children and her
parents for some nominal benefit to her stepchildren.

@Mari9999 maybe who knows but I don't think it's the DSc.

I think of all the posts I have seen on this board (and there must be millions) it's v rarely DSC.

I don't think the lack of contact for ops children from their bio grandparents, has any benefit the DSc in any way though and has the potential to set up sibling resentment. They simply won't care. However ops son (who's already asking to see them) is already suffering the consequences.

That said op is pregnant and I'm aware that places her in a vulnerable position.

How old is your DS? Could he have maybe said something to his DGPs like he finds it challenging living in a blended family? I said something similar to my DGM because my step siblings were a pain in the arse and were treated favourably when they were round. My Nan often had me and my siblings over on our own to give us a break.
Think carefully before depriving your son of a relationship with his DGP because of your boyfriend's children. As lovely as I am sure your DSC are your bio child should be your priority and because your DS's father isn't in the picture he may need the respite in the form of his own family from time to time. Your SDCs get to go home to thier DM and her family.

to clarify again:

1. I am not going to stop my son from seeing his grandparents.

2. I have acknowledged several times that I don’t think my parents like my DP as a partner for me, but this is not based on his personality or the way he treats me or my son, but based on them never liking the fact that he already had children. He has done nothing else to provoke their dislike and has been nothing but polite to them and is endlessly supportive and loving of both me and my son. Whether he is who they would have chosen for me or not, he is not a bad person and our relationship is solid and I have no doubt of that.

3. to those saying there is only harm done to my son and it makes no difference to my step children, I disagree. If you are a blended family that takes work and wanting your children to understand that whether they are full/step/half siblings they are all regarded as equal in your household is actually very important in terms of them forming healthy relationships with one another. Standing in front of the children and telling several of them they are rejected by someone or not permitted to attend an event will not help foster healthy sibling relationships.

to those asking if my son has told my parents he doesn’t like his step siblings, far from it, he describes them as his best friends, wishes they were here when they’re not and talks about them to my parents in this vein regularly. They know he loves them and my dp, as do I.

Granted. But as OP has already made clear, contact is inevitably going to decrease once she has a newborn and if she is juggling lots of plates she is perfectly entitled to drop the one marked 'dealing with people who make my life more complicated than it needs to be'.

Personally I think the DS's relationships with his step siblings and (soon) half-sibling are way, way more important than the one with his rather unpleasant grandparents.

How horrible of them!
I suggest you don't bring the new baby to their house and if they ask why then be very frank about it.
They are all children from the same household, you're not asking for Christmas presents fgs. You just want to visit as a family.
My DM has treated my DSS as a grandchild from the first time she met him. And if she hadn't then she would have treated him like a child who is important to me. Your family sound like idiots who can't see beyond their own noses. Don't let them get involved with your joint child as that will really upset your DSC. You have my sympathies

"Standing in front of the children and telling several of them they are rejected by someone or not permitted to attend an event will not help foster healthy sibling relationships"

No one is advocating for you telling the DSc that your parents reject them. Especially since yourself don't think that's the actual reason and that you don't know the actual reason but logical dictates it's not DSc. I think anyone with a brain can see that. I'm sure there are evil people out there who hate DSc but that evil tends to be overall evil. And from what you have posted that's not who they are.

No one is advocating for you to exclude dsc from parties events ect.

But what you seem to be missing is that your son is now by proxy not able to see them as frequently because your feelings are hurt because of the fact he can't see his biological grandparents without DSc in tow. So your being awkward around how many times they can see him or that you can't get to theirs because of x when really you want them to come to you and they won't as your DSc are there.

DSc won't miss out on seeing their grandparents or the frequency of contact change because of your son's existence, but your son and baby will ? Who looses more here ?

I would love to say it's cut and dry this situation or that your parents are indeed evil and therefore awful people who don't deserve a relationship with their grandparents. That's a easy but lazy answer that ignores the facts stated.

Your a mum. Your the only person who can and will advocate for your son, your DSc have two parents who I assume do advocate for them and now you so 3 people.

Your sons literally got you. And since your ex was a human trash bin (I think you mention he was abusive previously so hen the name but willing to be corrected on that point if I misread that) that's the only other people he's got is your grandparents and you.

It seems to me that your prioritizing your we must all be a "happy family" and DSc potential upset feelings over this (which hopefully is potential and you haven't actually told them this) over your actual child's feelings over wanting to have a consistent relationship with his grandparent. You could facilitate this in a way that didn't effect DSc, and allow your son what he wants (just by letting them take him over to theirs for a bit of one on one time and same with baby) But if you don't well that's your call.

But I have seen it time and time again and you may find your DSc reject the notion of blended family when older or even now and that you will be forced to accept that under they didn't chose this. Well neither did your son or your grandparents.

Btw I'm firmly of the opinion that blended families can work but sometimes personalities clash and you can't force people to believe in the same things as you (DSC, family) and no one has to be evil for that to be true

Watch this board see how many adult DSc say you know "I don't see my dads second wife or family as anything to do with me and why should I" and how many people encourage that. Which tbh is fair, but when you make sacrifices in the name of family, remember the scales won't always balance how you like. And the only tangible hit that's happening right now is your son missing their grandparent.

I only say this because someone's gonna be along to say your grandparents are evil and cutting contact and I'm trying to be empathetic to you as you must feel like a human sandwich and are probably exhausted. But by saying well I can't or won't drive 15mins away they can come to us but DSc you are by lack of options stopping them see their grandchild.

My ex didn't drive, I dropped my dd over and collected her at the most inconvenient times regularly so he could see her. I could have said I don't have a car (sometimes I didn't) I could have said walking isn't safe or multitude worth of excuses that would be valid and his contact would have dramatically dropped. He hurt me, he married the ow he had been cheating on me with after the loss of our son. I could have punished him because he made some fairly awful moral choices and let their relationship suffer because he bought it on himself. But my child would have suffered more.

Anyway look I'm out. I'm not into stressing out a pregnant women and frankly this will be totally against the bell curve of comments you will get many I assume from people who don't have blended families. I grew up in one and these things do come back to bite people in the arse. My sisters (half) mum wasn't a great women, but even I have some sympathy for a women who is now nc with her adult daughter because she didn't put her child first and doesn't get to cuddle her grand babies. Before anyone asks (I have tried talking to my sister to little avail) she says her mum had her choice. You still have yours...

Also have you noticed that the large percentage of comments focus on your DSc feeling and rarely mention your sons upset.

That's because most people are viewing this as your DSc mum, and mums should always their children's biggest advocates and usually that's the perspective most mums take (which is natural btw before anyone hounds me).

What I don't get is that yours seems more about your DSc potential upset rather than your actual child's upset.

Ok now I'm really out. As it's like commenting into a fairly large echo chamber of the very reliably predictable comments (solely focused on DSc)

@candlesflamesandbrooms thank you, but you can rest assured that I do put my DS first and he will continue to have a relationship with my parents. I think the fact that I have continued to visit them despite being hurt should be evidence of that, as it certainly not for me that I am visiting. I can’t, however, control the fact that they are refusing to permit visits during the 50% of the time I have the step-children unless I explicitly tell them they aren’t welcome.

as an example, during the half term my mom wanted my DS for the day and I said yes. The step children arrived at midday and when I said I was going to pick up my DS asked to come with me to get him (because they wanted to see him not because they were bothered about seeing my parents for 10 minutes). I tried to give excuses such as it being a boring drive etc. but they genuinely wanted to come and I felt really mean because it sounded more like I didn’t want them with me when actually I was just worried I would offend my parents if I turned up to collect my DS with his step-siblings. How exactly would you manage that situation without the step-children feeling rejected by me or without learning that my parents won’t allow them to visit?

My DS had had an entire day with his grandmother, so he definitely wasn’t going to lose anything if they came with me, in fact he would gain from knowing they were so excited to see him that they wanted to get in the car to come and get him.

Some people, maybe older ones, might not see this as stepchildren but rather boyfriend's children, with no sense of permanence. There are quite a lot of people, and not saying you are one, who have relationships which don't last long, with or without children. So as you aren't married they may think it not permanent.

You tell them to stay home with their dad and you and ds will be back shortly? Why would they need to actually come to collect a child and possibly a grown up boring chat?

We as parents say no to children’s asks all the time. Popping out to pick up ds is a family event it’s a job to be done.

It’s not like your taking ds to mc Donald’s without them you’re just picking him up from a family members of his who his visited. No biggie. Your making it a big deal.

Isn’t a family event*

@Tiredtiredtired100

How does your son feel when his step siblings talk about experience that they have with their maternal grandparents. Surely, some of these children are old enough and intelligent enough to understand family trees and family relationships. Do the step children ever invite your son to go with them to visit their maternal grandparents ? How do you explain to your son that his step siblings have relatives that are not a part of his family?

Gah I said I wouldn't be back but here I am (eye rolling at myself)

Op you just say no stay with your dad (because that's what contact is for them spending time with their dad) your just popping out to collect xand will be back soon. Your the adult. You don't have to justify your movements to anyone. Let alone the kids.
My daughter wants to go with me in the car for any little occasion. I say no because I don't need her coming with me to pick up dog food and it's just easier. It doesn't need to be a thing. You could just say it's easier.

Pretty much what @OhmygodDont said.

Again your focusing on the DSc and their potential feelings on a 10min collect and drive. I can't wrap my head around it, I get mums coming on here fighting tooth and nail for their children (usually DSc in their perspectives). I suspect you don't even know your doing it.

My family, who have their fair share of issues, have extended more welcome to children my cousin fostered over Christmas. They got a call saying could they take two children in on Xmas eve evening, as an emergency foster. The shops were already closed (back in the days when shops shut at 5pm) by the time they got the call and by Xmas morning, the whole family had got together two Xmas stockings for them and some presents under the tree. So they had the same as all the other children in the family.

Op, I think this is likely a situation where your parents see you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual in your own right. My in-laws do that with my DH and our eldest child. Every visit they try and get the two of them to themselves away from me and our younger two children. All the children are full siblings but it’s only the eldest they want! We haven’t gone no contact with them but have gone very low contact and medium chill them. That is what I would do in your situation. We never leave our children on their own with them and do not let them play favourites amongst the children. It takes some active management!

I have little idea what my parents think of my DH, or if they have a “favoruite grandchild, as they naturally extend to him and them the love they give to me and the same for my sister. She had a couple of serious boyfriends before she met her DH and they were all treated the same. You would never know if they preferred one over any of the others. That’s what parents who love you and allow you to be your own individual self do.

I know it doesn't solve the overall issue, but in that example, I'd have texted and said I was bringing the DSC with me, so I wouldn't be coming in and could they just bring DS to the car.

She asked you if she could see DS and you obliged. What you do with your day after that is your business.

I think what people are missing is the parents are putting OP in a very difficult position. While she is trying to make sure they still have a relationship they are making it difficult. They won't visit when step kids are around which is 50% of the time.

What about if her DS has a birthday party? He says step siblings are his best friends and want to invite them, his new sibling will be there also, so so will OPs partner. He'll also want his grandparents there. If grandparents won't come because step-kids/partner are there what is OP supposed to do? She can't pretend she didn't invite them. She can't pretend they have other plans because most grandparents would prioritise the birthday and they could refute that when he sees them. She can't tell him they don't want to come without explanation because he might think its to do with him. She can't tell him they won't come if his siblings and father figure are there because you don't want him in a situation of feeling like she has to choose and causing resentment/upset/questions. What is she actually supposed to do?

What about when new baby is born and they won't come over and meet new baby because partner/step-kids are there? It's ridiculous. A new mum should not be having to go to them, especially not asking her partner to take them and drop them off without being able to come inside because they aren't welcome. Do you not think that odd behaviour isn't going to be picked up on by the DS?

Yes, it would be great if OPs son could maintain a good relationship with them, but the parents actions make it basically impossible for OP to shield him. They are acting bizarrely and unreasonably, and he's going to pick up on it at some point.