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Original poster

Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

233 replies

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:09

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice!

My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

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GrumpyPanda · 08/03/2023 17:25

Brunilde · 08/03/2023 09:50

It is that big of an issue to her. Its her room and its always been her room, the number of nights she stays isn't relevant. If you really want the best for her don't try to minimise the impact this may have on her. You cannot just decide to have another child and give them her room or takeover a large chunk of it because she only stays 2 nights. She will probably have all sorts of difficult emotions to deal with after her dad has had a new baby with someone else. Not saying he doesn't have the right to do this but you will have to work very hard for her to feel part of your family rather than an outsider.

And for me that would mean putting her feelings ahead of what you as a new mum want for your baby. It's natural you want to create a lovely room for your baby, but they will not care.

Did you actually read OP's update? Given that it's her house your post is incredibly heavy-handed.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/03/2023 17:27

I don’t think a teenage girl should have to share with a child that young. That’s a real recipe for resentment, being woken up, not being able to make a noise or stay up a bit later, adults coming into her room to see to the baby, etc.

I think you should keep your DC in your room and save up to move for a couple of years.

Reddahlias · 08/03/2023 17:29

If anything the age gap makes it even easier for them to share.

Have you ever had a teen in your home? They do not go to bed at the same time as a toddler would! They like their privacy, like to listen to music, have their friends/boyfriend over etc.

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 17:41

Barannca · 08/03/2023 17:16

and the legislation says they should have separate rooms.
There is no law that says children can't share a room in their own home!
I think you are referring to rules for social housing, and the bedroom tax.

Possibly, I just read this on the NSPCC page on the topic

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/#legal

Step-child Bedroom dilemma!
Mojoj · 08/03/2023 17:45

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:33

I have been wanting to move and buy bigger but obviously these things do take time! I’m 26, have worked since I was 15, always worked and have rented since 17 but was finally able to get onto the property ladder a couple years ago. That being a 2 bed with the amount I was able to save.

I understand some people on her are going to be quite opinionated with this matter. I always want to make my Step daughter happy, hence why I’m asking for advise… I’m not going to move my daughter into that room until she’s 1 and abit and by that time I’m hoping I can Move. Also to just reiterate, my SD comes round for 2 nights every 2 weeks.. I didn’t think it would be that big of an issue??

It's absolutely not that big an issue. All the shock horror comments about sisters having to share a bedroom are just ridiculous! When did kids get so spoiled that they absolutely HAVE to have their own bedroom. So her nose might be a bit out of joint. So what? She'll get over it.

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 18:01

Yeah, definitely alienate a previously happy step daughter on the cusp of her teenage years.

What could go wrong?!

quietnightmare · 08/03/2023 18:06

They can share just like lots of siblings do.

Other option baby sleeps on the room and when SD is there baby come in with you

Or

The living room for SD, IF she is up for that when one of my step children hit the teen years begged for the living room as we were lucky enough to have 2 living rooms mind and loved it, had the tv to themselves and close proximity to the fridge

Sugarfree23 · 08/03/2023 18:13

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 17:41

Possibly, I just read this on the NSPCC page on the topic

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/#legal

Show quote history

There is a difference between what's accepted for social housing, when the councils / Housing Associations need to consider a family as over crowded or not adequately housed and a family who own their own house no laws.

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 18:20

I'm not clear on the law, as I said I only know what I just read on the NSPCC page.

I wouldn't want to give my children a lower standard of living than those in social housing though.

Coffeepot72 · 08/03/2023 18:39

It genuinely blows my mind how many people there are on here who think that HALF the bedrooms in this house should stay empty for most of the time when there is a child living there 100% of their time who doesn’t have a room of their own. Of course they share.

Absolutely. However common sense tends to go out the window where step children are concerned. They could be irreparably damaged if life doesn’t revolve around them. And no wonder there is a housing crisis in this country if someone who visits (yep, VISITS) so infrequently, is expected to have a dedicated bedroom.

FUSoftPlay · 08/03/2023 18:47

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 16:41

Just to clarify: the legislation only applies to different sexes but I would apply it as best practice even if they were the same sex.

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Oh come on. That might be the ideal but it just isn’t always possible. There are many children living in far more crowded and unsanitary conditions and LA’s who don’t have the rescue to do a damn thing.

bringincrazyback · 08/03/2023 18:50

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 18:01

Yeah, definitely alienate a previously happy step daughter on the cusp of her teenage years.

What could go wrong?!

As she's on the cusp of her teenage years, presumably she's old enough to be able to see the necessity of compromise in this scenario.

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 18:52

Have you ever had a teen in your home? They do not go to bed at the same time as a toddler would! They like their privacy, like to listen to music, have their friends/boyfriend over etc.

I’ve got a 12 year old, thanks. I know full well what it’s like. The bigger age gap makes it easier for the teen to be able to chill on their own because the toddler will be asleep. And no not all babies and toddlers wake up when someone else is in the room. My 4 year old certainly doesn’t.
The toddler will most likely be playing downstairs during the day so sd can have the room to herself for the majority of the day.

As for friends coming over, again during the day this is something she can do. If she ever wants friends over to sleep then maybe that will be odd occasion that OP’s dd camps in OP’s room. It’s no big deal. Boyfriends, that’s like 4 years in the future from now because what 12 year old chills out with their bf/gf in their bedroom? By which time their living situation might be better. But if not, it’s really a reason on its own to move or for OP’s dd to have no space or her own.

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 18:53

it’s NOT really a reason

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 18:59

If it was say, a 9 year old she was sharing a room with, it would be even harder for sd to have her own space and privacy. She’s much more likely to get it when she’s sharing with an under 5 as the under 5 will be in that bedroom a lot less than she will and won’t be in to her stuff or try to interfere with whatever she’s up to.

Reddahlias · 08/03/2023 19:41

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 18:59

If it was say, a 9 year old she was sharing a room with, it would be even harder for sd to have her own space and privacy. She’s much more likely to get it when she’s sharing with an under 5 as the under 5 will be in that bedroom a lot less than she will and won’t be in to her stuff or try to interfere with whatever she’s up to.

Still not great for a 15 year old who wants to have her friends or boyfriend over to have a toddler trying to sleep Confused

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 20:01

Still not great for a 15 year old who wants to have her friends or boyfriend over to have a toddler trying to sleep

I didn’t say it is great. I’m saying it is what it is. You do know there are lots and lots of children who share bedrooms don’t you? It’s not something that’s unheard of. Most people in “my circle” have about 3 or 4 children and their children share (either 2 or 3 to a room). 🤷🏼‍♀️ I really don’t know what to say other than make do with what space you have. Op isn’t overcrowded in my opinion.

Let’s face it. Because OP’s sd is a stepchild, no matter what age she is she shouldn’t have to share. She could be 8 and it would still be unfair. I bet you.

blueyandbingobaby · 08/03/2023 20:07

The people suggesting SD keeps her own room for the 4 nights a month she is there, at the expense of the baby who lives there full time having a room, are actually insane.

Op the only solution is they share.

My SS 12 shares with my son 4. He's here every weekend, it's never been an issue, ever. My son is fast asleep by the time SS goes to bed.

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 20:11

My SS 12 shares with my son 4. He's here every weekend, it's never been an issue, ever. My son is fast asleep by the time SS goes to bed

This is exactly what I was saying before. That arrangement is not the end of the world.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 20:22

Still not great for a 15 year old who wants to have her friends or boyfriend over to have a toddler trying to sleep

When my sister occasionally had a sleepover, they slept downstairs in sleeping bags.

But being honest, it's not that likely to happen that much when she only comes over EOW.

funinthesun19 · 08/03/2023 20:29

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 20:22

Still not great for a 15 year old who wants to have her friends or boyfriend over to have a toddler trying to sleep

When my sister occasionally had a sleepover, they slept downstairs in sleeping bags.

But being honest, it's not that likely to happen that much when she only comes over EOW.

This is what sd could do. And like you say not very likely to happen at OP’s house anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2023 20:30

Reddahlias · 08/03/2023 19:41

Still not great for a 15 year old who wants to have her friends or boyfriend over to have a toddler trying to sleep Confused

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Well my 15 yo wouldn't be having her bf over in her bedroom alone, so that's one sorted!

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 20:37

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 18:20

I'm not clear on the law, as I said I only know what I just read on the NSPCC page.

I wouldn't want to give my children a lower standard of living than those in social housing though.

Sorry so because my DSC share a room they have a "lower standard of living" than those in social housing? That's ridiculous. Unless they've improved social housing dramatically since I was younger.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 20:37

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 20:37

Sorry so because my DSC share a room they have a "lower standard of living" than those in social housing? That's ridiculous. Unless they've improved social housing dramatically since I was younger.

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Space does not = standard of living.

Sugarfree23 · 08/03/2023 20:39

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2023 20:30

Well my 15 yo wouldn't be having her bf over in her bedroom alone, so that's one sorted!

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My thoughts too, given op is only 27 with a 12 yo step kid, and one assumes Dads not much older.
Let's not have history repeat itself