Page 8 | Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

Netmu · 2023-03-08T09:09:44+00:00

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice! My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2023 20:42

Brunilde · 08/03/2023 16:53

It doesn't matter the sd is only there a couple of days. She should be able to feel just as at home at her dad's house as she does at her mums. This attitude is why a lot of kids end up drifting away from their fathers as they don't feel welcome in their own home. It's not her fault OP and the dad were irresponsible and had another kid without considering where they would sleep. Too many people think they are entitled to reproduce without any thought of their responsibilities.

Yes siblings sometimes share but anyone who says a step sibling relationship with such a large age gap is fine are kidding themselves. And the ones who suggest SD doesn't need a room as she can stay at her mums or choose not to visit her dad are despicable.

They aren't step siblings. This isn't her Dad's partners child. This is her Dad's child. It's her (half) sibling not a random kid his dad met and moved in with their Mom

MargaritMargo · 08/03/2023 20:51

It’s just one of those things unfortunately. if you can’t afford to move then you need a compromise, they’ll “share” the room as in baby sleeps in there when she’s not staying.

What we did was decorate the room neutrally but we didn’t keep any of baby’s toys in there, just some nice teddies and wall art etc. When SC came my DC slept in my room, we moved the cot but that’s because it was easy to move. If yours isn’t easy to move then you’d need an alternative sleeping arrangement so you can easily have baby in your room.

you can’t expect her to share the room when she’s staying over, baby will be in bed a lot earlier and it’s not fair she won’t be able to use her space when she’s there. But I do think it’s reasonable in the short term that the room serves both purposes.

hourbyhour101 · 09/03/2023 21:47

Why oh why is it bedrooms and Disney that prompt this level of battshittery. Can anyone explain because (to my head) I really don't get it ?

Remove the step from this equation people wouldn't be like oh you clearly haven't thought about reproducing and of course the elder child will have bad bad mental scars from having a sibling.

It's interesting how the really barking comments are from posters seem to drop half siblings, making the baby sound like a different species from the eldest.

Jesus wept siblings share. I shared with my half sibling. Didn't send me to therapy.

Op - Room divided? I have seen clever and easily dismantlable ideas using those ikea cube storage things as a divide.

Oh and it's OPs house. So maybe the person who created this issue (dad - who reproduced with two women) - should be working on finding a solution ? Or is it easier to beat the op because she's a sm.

I'm clearly missing something because the level of nutty comments on here really doesn't make sense to me ..

Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 21:52

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:11

Yeah I guess but 12 is too old for bunk beds

Show quote history

No, it’s not. My children were in bunkbeds until they went to university -as were many other sibling pairs I know.

Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 21:59

verdantverdure · 08/03/2023 17:41

Possibly, I just read this on the NSPCC page on the topic

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/#legal

Show quote history

But they’re the same sex, so none of that applies. I know a few siblings in social housing, and it’s common for them to share, in bunkbeds, with a large age gap. A teen and a toddler/pre-schooler - quite normal. And they’re often in very small bedrooms too.

TrudyProud · 09/03/2023 22:10

Jadviga · 08/03/2023 11:00

LOL at people suggesting three people should be crammed together in one room so that precious SD doesn't have to share four nights a month.

Nothing surprising for MN but still entertaining.

Meanwhile, in the real world... Yes, she will have to share. At least between the time baby has outgrown being with you, OP, until such a time as you can afford a bigger house.

I feel like it's a very MN thing to be precious about sharing rooms. I shared with my brother until I was 13/14 (he is 6 years younger), I only stopped sharing because my older brother left home. Guess what, nobody died and nobody was traumatised.

In this case it's not even full time. Yes, I understand SD may have complex feelings about being pushed out but that's for her dad to discuss with her at length so she understands the constraints of reality.

And the baby absolutely should have part of the room decorated for them. I sniggered when someone suggested the OP should put SD first - before her own baby - wtf ?!! Whatever happened to treating all children fairly ? Well, only when it advantages SD I guess.

OP, you're going to have to reorganize that room to accomodate both SD and baby. I would suggest doing it with SD if she is amenable - this is the opportunity for her to have a voice about how to do this in a way that's least disruptive to all involved. Obviously, not if she is stropping and refusing to be involved, but if she shows a minimum of good grace that's the opportunity for her to also redecorate how she likes her half of the room.

💯 this! I shared with my younger brother (9 year age gap) until I moved out for university. We had bunk beds 😱.
Nobody died .
Would I have loved my own room? Of course but sometimes needs must. Everyone saying otherwise should pay into a go fund me to help you fund a 3bed.

LorW · 09/03/2023 22:36

Tbf in social housing a step child wouldn’t be considered in the ‘overcrowding’ laws, as they have a main residence with their other parent, they expect that they share or sleep in the living room etc, they aren’t counted towards occupancy.

Coffeepot72 · 10/03/2023 04:38

hourbyhour101 · Yesterday 21:47
Why oh why is it bedrooms and Disney that prompt this level of battshittery. Can anyone explain because (to my head) I really don't get it ?

Remove the step from this equation people wouldn't be like oh you clearly haven't thought about reproducing and of course the elder child will have bad bad mental scars from having a sibling.

Totally agree, in a ‘together’ family everyone would just get on with it.

funinthesun19 · 10/03/2023 08:05

LorW · 09/03/2023 22:36

Tbf in social housing a step child wouldn’t be considered in the ‘overcrowding’ laws, as they have a main residence with their other parent, they expect that they share or sleep in the living room etc, they aren’t counted towards occupancy.

This is true. This is why it’s really annoying when people say the child who the bedroom is allocated to (ie resident/second/younger child) should move out of their bedroom for a child who that bedroom wasn’t allocated for (ie non resident/first/older/step child).
If it wasn’t for that resident child then the stepchild would be visiting their father in a 1 bed flat/bedsit!

leelan · 10/03/2023 21:09

Sounds like I might be the minority but why would you keep the baby in with you full time when there's an empty room 26-27 nights a month. The step daughter needs to share for the 4 nights a month she sleeps over! Let's not be silly about this, she doesn't need her own room - she's not royalty. Plenty of children share, it's never ideal but it's not unreasonable!

leelan · 10/03/2023 21:10

Jadviga · 08/03/2023 11:00

LOL at people suggesting three people should be crammed together in one room so that precious SD doesn't have to share four nights a month.

Nothing surprising for MN but still entertaining.

Meanwhile, in the real world... Yes, she will have to share. At least between the time baby has outgrown being with you, OP, until such a time as you can afford a bigger house.

I feel like it's a very MN thing to be precious about sharing rooms. I shared with my brother until I was 13/14 (he is 6 years younger), I only stopped sharing because my older brother left home. Guess what, nobody died and nobody was traumatised.

In this case it's not even full time. Yes, I understand SD may have complex feelings about being pushed out but that's for her dad to discuss with her at length so she understands the constraints of reality.

And the baby absolutely should have part of the room decorated for them. I sniggered when someone suggested the OP should put SD first - before her own baby - wtf ?!! Whatever happened to treating all children fairly ? Well, only when it advantages SD I guess.

OP, you're going to have to reorganize that room to accomodate both SD and baby. I would suggest doing it with SD if she is amenable - this is the opportunity for her to have a voice about how to do this in a way that's least disruptive to all involved. Obviously, not if she is stropping and refusing to be involved, but if she shows a minimum of good grace that's the opportunity for her to also redecorate how she likes her half of the room.

Agree!

hourbyhour101 · 10/03/2023 21:46

Coffeepot72 · 10/03/2023 04:38

hourbyhour101 · Yesterday 21:47
Why oh why is it bedrooms and Disney that prompt this level of battshittery. Can anyone explain because (to my head) I really don't get it ?

Remove the step from this equation people wouldn't be like oh you clearly haven't thought about reproducing and of course the elder child will have bad bad mental scars from having a sibling.

Totally agree, in a ‘together’ family everyone would just get on with it.

Honestly sometimes these comments make me question my own sanity.

I'm well aware I get things wrong socially but my god there's a whole new set of undefined rules that are part of a "step family" now days.

And I'm from a step family and I find it all really fucking mind boggling.

ArcMaven · 18/03/2023 03:32

If you knew that it was going to bother her, then you don't do it.

You talk with that man of yours, and come up with a solution to honor your children's personal space while you two adults attend to the life you created.

Don't look at your stepdaughter as a caretaker for her sibling either. She will resent you for it in the long run, I promise. It sounds like she values her space.

Ponderingwindow · 18/03/2023 03:52

How do you keep a toddler safe in a room full of a teenagers things? My teens room has makeup that could be hazardous if ingested. She has all sorts of art supplies, including sharp blades and heating tools. She also is absolutely awful about keeping her room neat. I would have to be more strict if we had a toddler in the house, but there is no way I could trust a room share because it would be out of my sight.

(In fairness, I have my own art supplies and the potential danger factor in my workspace is leaps and bounds beyond my teens bedroom. She was trained from a very young age to never enter my studio without an adult, but we made sure there were locks because you don’t rely on a toddler to listen)

ArcMaven · 18/03/2023 03:53

Also, she isn't around you as much because she is more comfortable with her biological mom.

You becoming a new mother to a man who already had that experience with a woman, is a tremendous thing for that kid.

Now she has to deal with another person, this permanent decision from her dad, while growing up in two different homes.

Did anyone talk to her about a new sibling or did it all just kinda happen, and y'all thought about living arrangements after? If that's what happened, you guys weren't thinking about her. You were focusing on yourselves.

I don't know what happened between her father and that lady, but you can say that you have a good relationship with somebody, and not understand what kind of emotional stuff she had to watch her mom go through at the hands of her dad.

((Yes, I understand SD may have complex feelings about being pushed out but that's for her dad to discuss with her at length so she understands the constraints of reality.))

^ her feelings on the matter are unprocessed at the time, it can be perceived as trauma to her since the child already has previously existing trauma after the separation of her parents.

This was a decision made without her involvement, if dad flunked one relationship he was supposed to work on/work out, he shouldn't be procreating with more women and putting his daughter through that emotional stress.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 18/03/2023 03:56

Brunilde · 08/03/2023 09:20

I don't know why this is always an afterthought and not arranged before deciding to have another child.

Not a good idea at all to make a nearly teen share with a baby. I would look at any and all other options before this.

If you really have to then the baby doesn't have a clue so I would keep the room the same as much as you can so stepdaughter doesn't feel pushed out.

And work on getting another bedroom ASAP because a teen should not be having to share with a toddler. Imagine a 16 year old sharing with a 4 year old!

Not to be harsh, but I agree. Really bad planning. So unfair to the Step daughter. I'd keep the baby in yiue room for as long as possible.

roseheartfly · 18/03/2023 04:18

@MattDamon what should she do? Put her baby in a bin?

Horrible situation for you to manage OP and sorry for all the absolutely awful and unhelpful messages saying 'you should have thought about this before having a child'. What a bunch of unhappy women.

If you aren't on track for somewhere bigger it may be that you have to let LO stay with you awhile longer and then move them into the shared room. Get SD involved with layout and set up. Ultimately if you aren't moving they will have to share... but it really is your partners job to handle this.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 18/03/2023 04:37

LorW · 09/03/2023 22:36

Tbf in social housing a step child wouldn’t be considered in the ‘overcrowding’ laws, as they have a main residence with their other parent, they expect that they share or sleep in the living room etc, they aren’t counted towards occupancy.

Yeah because social housing is the standards we should all aspire to 🙄 I think it's unfair for siblings to share, step siblings or full. Similar ages maybe, but not an age gap like this

LemonPeonies · 18/03/2023 04:41

My parents had 4 kids and all of us had to share a bedroom at some point, we aren't scarred for life! I think a lot of MN have never lived in the real world. Your SC is with you every other weekend, she can deal with sharing a bedroom fgs 🙄

Delphinium20 · 18/03/2023 04:58

12 is a tricky age but it also is an age when girls love to feel like they are becoming mature. What if you talked to her as if she was one of the consultants on a family issue...like, "You know, at some point, your sister is going to outgrow being in our room as she's getting bigger. I'd love your thoughts on how to help her with a transition." Big sister might like to help decorate or help little sister move into a toddler bed, and she might come up with the idea on her own.

Maybe I'm being naive, but if you do it the right way, big sister might feels some responsibility towards little sister. Maybe put her in charge of the decorating, or at least get her input and let her make some decisions.

Blueblell · 18/03/2023 06:07

They are siblings and many many families do not have enough bedrooms for every child to have their own room. You have to be practical and use the space you have. Yes they will have to share the room. I would let the 12 year old have the room to herself on the nights she is there. Two nights eow you can have the baby in with you.

Mycatisalwaysangry · 18/03/2023 06:56

CC4712 · 08/03/2023 09:17

Would something like this work?

Omg just last night I erased this photo from my phone after saving it years ago!

Sugarfree23 · 18/03/2023 08:01

Blueblell · 18/03/2023 06:07

They are siblings and many many families do not have enough bedrooms for every child to have their own room. You have to be practical and use the space you have. Yes they will have to share the room. I would let the 12 year old have the room to herself on the nights she is there. Two nights eow you can have the baby in with you.

The baby won't be a baby forever and what sort of message is that to LO. Every time sister stays I get kicked out my room.

Both children are equally important so need to actually share the room or if the 12 yo really needs their own room it's the parents who should vacate their room and sleep on a sofa bed.

Momof7kiddos · 18/03/2023 12:07

There is nothing wrong with them sharing a room. Kids do it all the time. There's no reason she needs her own room when she's there a few days a month. Priority goes to the child you have full-time. My 16 year old shares a room with his half sibling 9 year old. Before we were here, they shared with my 11 year old also.

Bepis · 18/03/2023 12:40

@Whenharrymetsmelly A house is a house, they are all built of the same material so why look down on social housing?