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Original poster

How to balance what is best for SD and DD?

150 replies

Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 10:09

Really struggling as a SM at the moment.

We have SD 50:50 and it is becoming clear that the way I am managing the kids' lives is getting unbalanced.

SD is 10 and DD is 4.

I am worried that my own lack of boundaries and desire to 'be a good person' have made me overlook my own daughter, and allowed SD's mum to tailor everything to her own personal advantage. From when contact is, to what I pay for, to who gets to do what and when.

Has anyone got any advice for how to make sure your own children don't get the raw end of every deal, just because they came second?

OP posts:
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jemimapuddlepluck · 28/02/2023 11:46

What. The. Fuck. Your DH certainly saw you coming. I bet his ex cant believe her luck either, i would be laughing my arse off if i were her. Why would anyone CHOOSE to live like this? When you are literally taking from your own child (your time AND money) to give to someone else's you need to seriously look at yourself and ask why??
God, this makes me so fucking frustrated. Yet another mug of a woman who just simpers through life doing whatever she's told to do. Tell them both no more! Be a role model for your own DD or she will end up with a pisstaker just like you have 😡

Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 11:46

MeridianB · 28/02/2023 11:18

I read it that OP was buying clothing and items for DD's time with them, rather than giving the ex money - but perhaps OP can confirm.

I am not giving SD mum money. I am buying things for DD. Things like winter coats and decent winter shoes etc I don't like SD going without and wearing too small/ill fitting clothes. But I am starting to think SD mum doesn't buy her shoes/clothes and sends her in small clothes intentionally as she knows these will materialise e.g. I buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 11:49

jemimapuddlepluck · 28/02/2023 11:46

What. The. Fuck. Your DH certainly saw you coming. I bet his ex cant believe her luck either, i would be laughing my arse off if i were her. Why would anyone CHOOSE to live like this? When you are literally taking from your own child (your time AND money) to give to someone else's you need to seriously look at yourself and ask why??
God, this makes me so fucking frustrated. Yet another mug of a woman who just simpers through life doing whatever she's told to do. Tell them both no more! Be a role model for your own DD or she will end up with a pisstaker just like you have 😡

It wasn't totally choice. This arrangement made a bit more sense before the cost of living crisis, when me working at least meant I could save for trips etc.

But yes I do see what you mean.

OP posts:
WoolyMammoth55 · 28/02/2023 12:00

OP I feel really angry on your behalf.

SD is 10 years old and you have her 50:50. Your DD is 4 years old - therefore aren't both the kids in school?

Why in gods name is the father of these girls staying at home instead of working and making a financial contribution?

There are plenty of flexi and term-time roles that he could do to incorporate school runs - like all working families in the UK do every day.

It's shocking that you are keeping both girls fed and clothed while they're with you but he contributes nothing.

Your DD is missing out - on time with you, more than anything, which you can never get back!

Please put a boundary in place and make changes to do right by your child.

jemimapuddlepluck · 28/02/2023 12:02

Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 11:49

It wasn't totally choice. This arrangement made a bit more sense before the cost of living crisis, when me working at least meant I could save for trips etc.

But yes I do see what you mean.

Show quote history

Your DH and his ex are not going to want this to change, they both have it pretty sweet. So I can guarantee that you will have 2 choices. The first is you carry on as you are and you and YOUR child suffer while they all have it lovely thank you very much. Or, you get your own DD and get the fook out of there. Which is what I would do. A million percent.
I am sorry if I seem aggressive but I have literally spent my morning listening to my amazing sil talking about her useless dh and I just do not get it. She chooses to sacrifice her own happiness (and her dc's) cos she is desperate. Because that's what it all boils down to really. Desperation.

SavBlancTonight · 28/02/2023 12:04

As always, the issue is your DH, not SD's mum. He is the one who needs to have a routine in place with SD's mum and in terms of what is paid for etc. Yes, it might be that as a couple, if you agree that SD gets a new coat that that lands up being "you" paying but as you're married and sharing finances, I can't get worked up about that. But it looks to me like your DH is just sitting back and letting things happen and you are blaming SD's mum instead of him.

You need to have ac conversation with him about what is fair. Agree together what you can and can't pay for. Insist that certain time slots for contact are cast in stone and unchangeable short of the world ending. And HE needs to stick with this and agree it all with her mum.

God, I hate men so much sometimes.

GrumpyPanda · 28/02/2023 12:05

Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 11:46

I am not giving SD mum money. I am buying things for DD. Things like winter coats and decent winter shoes etc I don't like SD going without and wearing too small/ill fitting clothes. But I am starting to think SD mum doesn't buy her shoes/clothes and sends her in small clothes intentionally as she knows these will materialise e.g. I buy.

Show quote history

There've been threads on here of male exes doing that - keeping back the good stuff mum bought and sending the child over in ill-fitting clothes. The advice usually is for mum to do the same - send the kid over on Sun in gym clothes, no uniform, and key him sort it out. Of course that would be the pass agg version and taking it out on the child really..

Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:08

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 10:44

I see what you mean. Would your DP be able to go back to work? He was the higher earner out of me and him anyway so it made sense for him to work full time and me be the SAHP (I do work a little but not as much as him) anyway, but tbh I would not have been willing to be the sole earner as I feel money for DSS should come from him, not me. I think if you have a child you're responsible for that your partner isn't, then you need to be earning so you can pay for said child.

If you want a small change plan, then I would address why you're the one that ends up paying for more when her mother is the higher earner, and start putting your foot down about those things.

If you want a big change plan, then I would tell your DH this isn't working for you and you feel you aren't having enough time with your DD, and want to revisit who is working out of the two of you and how much.

In theory he could go back to work. Although, I am the one will a perm contract, higher earnings and dependable income - his work was freelance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:09

GrumpyPanda · 28/02/2023 12:05

There've been threads on here of male exes doing that - keeping back the good stuff mum bought and sending the child over in ill-fitting clothes. The advice usually is for mum to do the same - send the kid over on Sun in gym clothes, no uniform, and key him sort it out. Of course that would be the pass agg version and taking it out on the child really..

Show quote history

Yeah I never felt right doing that... she has seen me coming hasn't she.

OP posts:
namechange3394 · 28/02/2023 12:09

If your DD is 4, is she starting school soon? What are DP's plans around going back to work?

lunar1 · 28/02/2023 12:11

If his work was freelance I can think of a single reason he isnt still doing it!

Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:12

SavBlancTonight · 28/02/2023 12:04

As always, the issue is your DH, not SD's mum. He is the one who needs to have a routine in place with SD's mum and in terms of what is paid for etc. Yes, it might be that as a couple, if you agree that SD gets a new coat that that lands up being "you" paying but as you're married and sharing finances, I can't get worked up about that. But it looks to me like your DH is just sitting back and letting things happen and you are blaming SD's mum instead of him.

You need to have ac conversation with him about what is fair. Agree together what you can and can't pay for. Insist that certain time slots for contact are cast in stone and unchangeable short of the world ending. And HE needs to stick with this and agree it all with her mum.

God, I hate men so much sometimes.

I do blame her for not buying weather appropriate clothes and shoes and various other things like that, when she more than has the funds, also for going back on arrangements already in place. But the other stuff yes definitely DH should do more.

OP posts:
custardbear · 28/02/2023 12:16

Your DH needs to start working again, freelance is working and more flexible often (depending on what it is)
Then set out a rota of who buys what, one year you buy school coat and shoes the next she does. Same with clothing
Currently your DH has a cushy life and doesn't seem to take accountability for anything

Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:16

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 10:44

I see what you mean. Would your DP be able to go back to work? He was the higher earner out of me and him anyway so it made sense for him to work full time and me be the SAHP (I do work a little but not as much as him) anyway, but tbh I would not have been willing to be the sole earner as I feel money for DSS should come from him, not me. I think if you have a child you're responsible for that your partner isn't, then you need to be earning so you can pay for said child.

If you want a small change plan, then I would address why you're the one that ends up paying for more when her mother is the higher earner, and start putting your foot down about those things.

If you want a big change plan, then I would tell your DH this isn't working for you and you feel you aren't having enough time with your DD, and want to revisit who is working out of the two of you and how much.

I think I need a combination of the big and small change plans.

I am living in my overdraft.

Yes honestly a lot needs to change. At VERY LEAST DH needs to pay for more stuff for DD out if his own spending budget.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 28/02/2023 12:19

He has a spending budget and you have an overdraft?

Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:21

WoolyMammoth55 · 28/02/2023 12:00

OP I feel really angry on your behalf.

SD is 10 years old and you have her 50:50. Your DD is 4 years old - therefore aren't both the kids in school?

Why in gods name is the father of these girls staying at home instead of working and making a financial contribution?

There are plenty of flexi and term-time roles that he could do to incorporate school runs - like all working families in the UK do every day.

It's shocking that you are keeping both girls fed and clothed while they're with you but he contributes nothing.

Your DD is missing out - on time with you, more than anything, which you can never get back!

Please put a boundary in place and make changes to do right by your child.

My daughter is in nursery 15 hours a week.

Yeah I have really had enough of it all now.

It is a pisstake.

OP posts:
GelPens1 · 28/02/2023 12:22

@Burntoastime she’s not your Dd so, from now on, don’t pay for ANYTHING. If your DH isn’t working then he can’t financially provide for his dc. Also, both his dc are in school so there’s no need for a SAHP. He needs to find full-time work so he can provide for his dc. Your ‘D’H and his ex are taking advantage of you and won’t stop until you say no.

Original poster
Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:23

jemimapuddlepluck · 28/02/2023 12:02

Your DH and his ex are not going to want this to change, they both have it pretty sweet. So I can guarantee that you will have 2 choices. The first is you carry on as you are and you and YOUR child suffer while they all have it lovely thank you very much. Or, you get your own DD and get the fook out of there. Which is what I would do. A million percent.
I am sorry if I seem aggressive but I have literally spent my morning listening to my amazing sil talking about her useless dh and I just do not get it. She chooses to sacrifice her own happiness (and her dc's) cos she is desperate. Because that's what it all boils down to really. Desperation.

Show quote history

This woudn't solve everything though, my DD would then be seperated from her sister

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 28/02/2023 12:24

The title to your post was how to balance what is best for SD and DD. YOUR DD should always be your priority. If you cannot speak up for yourself or push for change do it on behalf of your DD. Your SD has two parents, you should not be providing anything out of your own pocket.
Your DH is really taking the piss out of you and his ex wife and letting both his children down. He cannot afford not to work with two kids. He sounds like an absolute loser.

jemimapuddlepluck · 28/02/2023 12:27

Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:23

This woudn't solve everything though, my DD would then be seperated from her sister

Show quote history

Jesus wept

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 28/02/2023 12:30

I can't advise you OP, because this is being mugged off to the point of abuse by both your DH and his ex. It's quite shocking

LBTB Leave Both These Bastards

MeridianB · 28/02/2023 12:34

lunar1 · 28/02/2023 12:11

If his work was freelance I can think of a single reason he isnt still doing it!

This!

And where does his 'spending budget' come from?

Please speak to him tonight.

Eatentoomanyroses · 28/02/2023 12:35

I wouldn’t be supporting a child that wasn’t my own flesh and blood and has its own parents. Absolutely not. If I take them out with my own Dc the money comes out of a joint pot. Not my own personal money. I would be questioning what the point of your dh actually is. How is he contributing to your quality of life?

excelledyourself · 28/02/2023 12:36

He has a spending budget, and then you're paying out for his DD on top of that?? Is that correct?

I would be enforcing a massive change here, e.g getting him back to work and dropping a day myself to spend with DD. You wouldn't be any worse off financially if you stop paying out for his child related expenses.

GelPens1 · 28/02/2023 12:36

Burntoastime · 28/02/2023 12:23

This woudn't solve everything though, my DD would then be seperated from her sister

Show quote history

If you split up with you ‘D’H who is financially abusing you (his ex is abusing you too) then your ex will then arrange to have both of his Dd to visit him. Please don’t pay for anything for your sd. She has 2 parents who should do that. Her dad should definitely get a full time job.