How to balance what is best for SD and DD?

[Burntoastime]

Really struggling as a SM at the moment.

We have SD 50:50 and it is becoming clear that the way I am managing the kids' lives is getting unbalanced.

SD is 10 and DD is 4.

I am worried that my own lack of boundaries and desire to 'be a good person' have made me overlook my own daughter, and allowed SD's mum to tailor everything to her own personal advantage. From when contact is, to what I pay for, to who gets to do what and when.

Has anyone got any advice for how to make sure your own children don't get the raw end of every deal, just because they came second?

If you provide a couple of examples that would help - a ten year old v's a 4 year old needs will be quite different. Given your SD is there 50:50 then it can be helpful to keep as much things the same - within reason.

I second giving examples. I would never give my DD the short straw and will always be focused on her so it's hard to imagine what you might be describing here.

Is the problem that your DH isn’t doing his share? Otherwise, I can’t see what you mean. Eg SD has ballet on Saturdays so he takes her while you take DD to the farm etc.

I expect this is yet another case where a man has palmed off his kids on to his current wife. I’ve never seen a thread posted by a man asking how he can do better, and striving to do more parenting and drudge work than his new girlfriend/wife.

(I’d be delighted to be wrong, though)

Why is her Mum dictating contact time? Why isn't that nailed down?

us she saying you shouldn't do things with your DD that her DD wants to do when her DD isn't with you?

Agree with the others, examples are needed!

what does the girls Dad think?

There is an aspect of DH needs to do better. For example, it would be much easier for me to plan if he and SD mum could agree certain things e.g. holiday splits in advance.

Part of it is financial. SD mum is a high earner but a lot of the day to day costs fall to me. I end up buying all school clothes, shoes, winter coats etc. I work long hours so that my DH can be SAHP. This is partly to accomodate his contact schedule. But it means I don't get 1-1 time with DD as either I am working, or SD is here.

SD mum will let us have SD in school holidays to save money. But will not think twice of trying to cancel dates that are important to my DD e.g. agreed Christmas contact so she can take SD on holiday.

Basically I am paying for everything, working inconvenient hours, paying for all gifts and celebrations, not getting alone time with my DD. SD and her mum by contrast get the benefits of this as her mum always has money for holidays, treats, gifts etc while we do not.

It's not nailed down probably because they were never married so no formal agreement, also because they don't have a good co-parenting arrangement and don't get on.

I see what you mean. Would your DP be able to go back to work? He was the higher earner out of me and him anyway so it made sense for him to work full time and me be the SAHP (I do work a little but not as much as him) anyway, but tbh I would not have been willing to be the sole earner as I feel money for DSS should come from him, not me. I think if you have a child you're responsible for that your partner isn't, then you need to be earning so you can pay for said child.

If you want a small change plan, then I would address why you're the one that ends up paying for more when her mother is the higher earner, and start putting your foot down about those things.

If you want a big change plan, then I would tell your DH this isn't working for you and you feel you aren't having enough time with your DD, and want to revisit who is working out of the two of you and how much.

Your DP needs to work to support both his children!

Examples are needed before any real advice I think, OP.
I do know what you mean generally though, its easy to get tied in knots trying to be fair to everyone but the problem is that "fair" is very subjective as a concept.
Maybe it would be fair if both children had a mother who put them first?
Maybe it would be fair if both were treated age appropriately rather than exactly the same?
Hard to say without knowing what's going on.
My examples of this... My two boys share a room and DSd has her own room. Some would say that's unfair because the they live here full time and she doesn't and has her own room at her Mum's too. However she's 11 and they are 3 and 6 months. So their needs are different. She needs her own room and they don't right now. That's fair.
I used to do all the pick ups and drop offs. Fine. I drive and parents don't so didn't mind. Then the Friday pick up time and place changed and it no longer suited me. My childrens needs came first. So I said "no, doesn't work for me" and not her parents sort it between them. Also fair, even though it is really inconvenient for everyone else.
Nobody is calling all the shots. Nobody is "priority". Sometimes one and sometimes the other. All kids are important.
I would allow some woman to crowd my kids out of their own life. I owe them the best I can provide. I'm their Mum.

Oh it's worse than I thought.
Marriage doesn't come into it, they can still have a legal agreement drawn up.
Hard as it is, you need to drop some of those things back on Mum. She buys the shoes, you buy the coat sort of thing. Cut your hours back so you can see your child and when you can no longer afford to fund DSD to that level then her mum will need to put her hand in her pocket.
DSD is not more important than your DD.

Yes I think you have understood this issue perfectly. I do try very hard to be fair, but it is not working!

Time to reset with your DP by agreeing a plan that he starts work again as soon as your DD starts school later this year. Has your DD attended nursery at all? Free hours? He could work part time ahead of September?

I don't understand why you don't get time with your DD when your SD is with you - her father needs to be with SD, not just to give you that time, but to enable valuable 1:1 time with his older DD. Explain that this needs to happen.

Go to court to agree contact. This is the only way to get the certainty you all need. This is crucial to both DDs, as well as you and DP.

Sorry but my absolute main question is why are you even paying for all this stuff for a child who isn't yours? It's down to her dad. Take a BIG step back. And then another one.

You shouldn't be paying her anything. If your husband has no job then she can't expect money from you. That's ridiculous.

He needs to get a job and pay what the CMS say he should.

You are paying far too much. Stop it now.

I read it that OP was buying clothing and items for DD's time with them, rather than giving the ex money - but perhaps OP can confirm.

But would you see your DD any more if SD wasn‘t in the equation? If your DH was still a SAHP, you would have the same problem, with long hours etc.

In terms of costs, if you have SD 50:50, then all costs for her should be split 50:50, including uniform, coats shoes etc. Your DH needs to have that conversation with the mother and come to an arrangement. It‘s not for you to fix, your DH and his ex need to act like grown ups and talk to each other and make a fixed arrangement, rather than let things drag along because "they don‘t get on".

Completely agree. And don't let them 'not getting on' become your problem. It's not your problem, and they need to act like grown-ups instead of outsourcing their crap to you.

To be honest, in your position I'd be more pissed off with your OH- why can't he work whilst having 50/50 contact? Plenty of other parents do. I can understand resentment building when you're working long hours and missing out on time with your daughter to facilitate everything for his SD, but my anger would be directed towards him in that because he's the one who's allowing you to work your arse off and lose out on time with your own daughter to fund everything.

At 10 there’s still time to get a proper contact agreement, don’t let him piss around with an ad hoc arrangement till it’s too late. That’s for him to sort out, not you, and given the impact on you and DD he needs to make it a priority.

If they already don’t get on he’s got nothing to lose.

Finance issues are between you and DP and need tackling as you sound justifiably very resentful. Does your family need a full time SAHP or could and should he be doing whatever paid work he can? He’s chosen to have 2 children and expecting you to solely fund both is unreasonable, unless it was your idea, especially when DD is or will soon be at school.

You're a better person than me, no way would I tolerate your set up. Your partner needs to get a job and support his older daughter himself. It's irrelevant how much her mother earns, he needs to contribute 50% too. Get some boundaries and self respect in place because right now you're being taken for a fool.

Your work ethic and good nature is being well and truly used.

Abused.

OP you sound like a very good person, trying your best to ensure that the children in this arrangement do not lose out.

But your DH and his Ex are massively taking advantage.

Your DH may not consciously know this ( but I have my doubts), but look at it from his perspective - he’s a grown man, has 2 daughters by 2 women, and pays nothing for either of the. In fact , because he’s so shit at managing his relationship with his Ex, he drops his burden on you.

I understand why you would resent this.
How long have you been together? And how did he support his first daughter before you stepped into the breach?
He really needs to step up.