How to balance what is best for SD and DD?

[Burntoastime]

Really struggling as a SM at the moment.

We have SD 50:50 and it is becoming clear that the way I am managing the kids' lives is getting unbalanced.

SD is 10 and DD is 4.

I am worried that my own lack of boundaries and desire to 'be a good person' have made me overlook my own daughter, and allowed SD's mum to tailor everything to her own personal advantage. From when contact is, to what I pay for, to who gets to do what and when.

Has anyone got any advice for how to make sure your own children don't get the raw end of every deal, just because they came second?

The financial side sounds very unfair on you, OP. But it sounds like you take on way more than you should of the mental load. Why isn't he at least doing that as a SAHP?

For instance, he should be noticing her need for clothes and buying them.

Wow. Get your husband working NOW. You could both be part time. He doesn’t need to do his freelance number. And job will be better than none.

As I'm the lone voice on the 'who pays for everything for DSD' I might just repeat what I said. 😜
When you sit down to talk about everything, do find out what the total costs for your dsd are. There are so so many for a 10 yr old. School dinners? Gift for a party she's going to? £25 contribution to new school iPads. New ballet shoes. Swimming lessons? Contribution to brownie camp. It just goes on and on, and whilst you might well be paying a shit tonne,maybe the mum is too? Maybe the mum sends her in too tight clothes, because she paid £50 that week for a school residential, and that's more visual? I don't know.

This woudn't solve everything though, my DD would then be seperated from her sister

No she won’t though! She will still see her sister when she sees her dad.

I know this might sound controversial, but your DD’s everyday well-being and your well-being as her mum, trumps her being with her sister.

What circumstances gave rise to you DH being a SAHP?
Your dd Is 4 so presumably going to school in September. What is you DH planning to do then?

Fundamentally disagree. My dd is my responsibility not my partners and I would never expect him to pay anything towards her upkeep/clothes/holidays.

100% agree with this actually. I don't think the mum is the problem here. I'm going to hazard a guess she has her ex's number pegged. If it really is 50/50 then your household should be providing for DSD, the problem is, your DH is not providing for the household.

Do you have subsequent joint children with your DH? It may be less straightforward to keep your DD costs separate if there is another child in the household.

I guess whether or not OP's SD is a 'household' cost or solely his cost depends on what was agreed before they got together.
If they discussed it properly...

I really disagree with the posters who say DH should pay for his daughter. I believe children of a home are always a household expense, like the gas bill or food shop. So 50% of her clothing and other costs should come out of your/DH joint household expenditure.

Why should OP pay 50% towards a child who isn’t hers? Her DH should be paying the absolute majority if not everything for sd. And Op maybe pay for odd bit here and there. An ice cream here, a packet of bobbles there. Nothing like he should be paying though!
50% for their joint child yes. But not sd.

OP I'm the higher earner as a woman in my relationship like a lot of my siblings, a few of my friends and some of my colleagues.

All the men work.

When children came along as the lower earner the children went to childcare. (In the case of my DP his actual hours were PT he just made them up with overtime at odd times.) In addition when the emergencies, medical appointments, hospital stays or days off were/are needed the men were/are the ones who get the time off work.

Your DP is lazy. As a freelancer some of his work will come from networking. If he's not working he's not meeting other people and building his reputation.

Oh and if you try to divorce your DH, due to the fact he has his older DD 50/50 and "cares" for your DD as a SAHP he will get more of your assets and money. So if you want to divorce him you have to wait until his eldest is 18. Even then he will be entitled to a lot of your assets as you will have had a long marriage.

I think you've been stitched up OP😕

@funinthesun19

Imagine a woman who has her first child 50:50 with an ex.
She remarries, has a baby, and is a SAHP for a while. Should her new partner pay for her first child? If not, how will she pay, as she has no income, being a SAHP?
This is the situation OP was in, with sexes reversed.

(However, now that the youngest is 4, he should be back at work).

Also, the gas bill and food shop isn’t money that is being ring fenced just for sd. That is a family expense and everyone benefits from it being paid.
But I don’t see why OP should he ring fencing and budgeting her own money for things like sd’s swimming lessons and anything else sd related.

Imagine a woman who has her first child 50:50 with an ex.
She remarries, has a baby, and is a SAHP for a while. Should her new partner pay for her first child? If not, how will she pay, as she has no income, being a SAHP?
This is the situation OP was in, with sexes reversed.

I imagine the OP (being a woman) wouldn’t be an NRP to her first child. I have no time for NRPs who pay diddly squat for their first children when they visit and expect their new partner to foot the bill for them. He can bloody go to work!
RPs partners should be more of team financially, since the RP’s is a genuine stay at home mum and not a bum NRP who can’t be arsed.

OP, the pair of them have seen you coming. Stop paying for SD now. Literally now. She has two parents and neither of them are you. Whilst your own child suffers for it.

It would be different if DH was contributing to anything, but he pays nothing to your DD, nothing to SDD, nothing to the house...whilst you pay for 100% of this, and give him the same disposable income as you!!!

When you stop paying for SD, lets not forget, you are still paying 100% of your costs, his costs and your joint DD's costs, if he fucking dares to claim it's unfair that you're voluntarily not bankrolling a child who's nothing to do with you, while he provides nothing as her actual father.

So when you see the light and split up
he gets custody of your dd as he is currently the main carer
while you carry on working to pay for him ,enjoying all the time at home with dd.
you will probably get access to her every other weekend,so it’s not like you will never see her again ,and he will get the house ,as the main carer of her ,
but you know you can sell the house when she’s 18 and get your half then .
anyway ,I’m sure you’ve already thought all this through

Judges want clean breaks now so due to the fact he has 2 children to care for - remember he has the older one 50/50, he will get 70-75% of the marital assets.

Luckily both children are girls so he only needs a two bedroom place to live in.

I get where you are going with this. But no this isn't how it is. If anything I pay for all the drudgery day to day stuff then mum pays for the 'flash' stuff she does with her, like dinners/shows. But old muggins here is paying for a winter coat and shoes clothes wellies swim lesson etc etc etc and looking like I don't do fun stuff like mum.

And your advice is...?

Get him working asap.

What @Reugny said, and at the same time stop letting him treat you like a mug. Pay half of your own child's costs, half of the household costs, and nothing more.

Why are you paying for her swimming lessons?

If he wants his older daughter to have swimming lessons etc he needs to get a job to pay for them.

Why are you paying for swimming lessons???

Jesus OP.

This.
Stop giving him any money, so that he is forced to work.

Our disbelief is not a kick at you by the way.

Just at the situation these two dicks have got you merrily playing as if it's in any way normal.