How to balance what is best for SD and DD?

[Burntoastime]

Really struggling as a SM at the moment.

We have SD 50:50 and it is becoming clear that the way I am managing the kids' lives is getting unbalanced.

SD is 10 and DD is 4.

I am worried that my own lack of boundaries and desire to 'be a good person' have made me overlook my own daughter, and allowed SD's mum to tailor everything to her own personal advantage. From when contact is, to what I pay for, to who gets to do what and when.

Has anyone got any advice for how to make sure your own children don't get the raw end of every deal, just because they came second?

It's not totally about finances. It's about finances vs time vs getting dicked around for contact dates, which mean that I work hard all the time but then can't count on/plan 'quality time', either with or without SD. There is no balance.

It's not so easy as cutting hours and telling DH to work. I would worry about taking the financial risk...

I will be telling DH he needs to formalise holiday contact etc, so at least I can have plans to look forward to.

I need to also come up with a Big Change Plan cos my life is a misery right now and my daughter will grow up fast.

No he is not 🤨

I do feel I am being taken the piss of from all sides tbh.

I know it is not totally about finances.

However if you are willing to set boundaries on finances which forces him to work, then he will not have the free time to continue to allow his ex to screw him - and in turn you and your DD around - with contact dates.

Oh and don't be doing childcare for his eldest unless it is a bank holiday like Easter Sunday. He can find someone else to look after her.

He needs to learn to plan better. My DP already has a circle of family friends who will do childcare for him so I'm only offer on difficult to fill bank holidays.

OP to put it another way -

Your DD deserves to see and then eventually understand that both her parents are able to work to look after her.

Your DD deserves to know when she is seeing her older sister.

Your DD deserves to know that she is your priority. Do not be afraid of just going away with your DD on her own without him whether it is a day trip on the weekend or a holiday. Do not be afraid of paying for ballet, stage school, music lessons, horse riding lessons, etc just for your DD.

Tell your DH if he wants his oldest child to have those things he needs to stump up the money.

Yes it is right that you help pay for his child's basic needs as a partnership. It is not right that you pay for her extras like swimming lessons or any other lessons.

Yes it is right that you help pay for family trips and holidays but you can choose - due to the age difference - not to take his eldest to everything your DD does. As even in unblended families children do different stuff with one or even both parents due to their different interests and ages.

Oh and make sure you write a will leaving a minimum of 50% of your assets to your DD by full name. Put your family and/or friends as executor and trustees. Make sure the money from your pension goes solely to your DD. Once she has left full-time education then change it. (Update it if you have any more children.)

Thanks for this. I do appreciate this summary. Sometimes I just need to see something written out clearly to make sense of it all.

Even if it were not for the financial aspects, it's the 'spending time with mum' and 'knowing when I will spend time with my sister' aspects that I know will mean most to DD.

Are you sending Dsd to her mom with a suitcase every week?
If you're not then how are you providing everything for her and not just at your house?
A coat, a pair of shoes, whatever she was wearing that day moving between houses makes sense, but if you're packing a suitcase with a week of uniforms and regular clothes every week then stop.

Yes I would. I work long days in the week to accomodate pick up/drop offs etc. So I don't get time in evenings like I would if it were not for this.

If it were not for his contact arrangements I would 100% be expecting us both to work part time.

Small and steady wins the race op. Please please speak up for yourself and your DD. I hate seeing amazing women taken advantage of by useless men. It doesn't make them love or respect you any more, they just come to expect more and more from you till they have squeezed every last drop out of you. I hope he at least tells you how much he appreciates you and all you do for your family.

Why are you doing the transportation if he's a SAHP?

Why are you doing pick ups when he's the SAHD?

He needs to be gearing up to return to work when DD starts school in September. He can use the 15hrs childcare she gets at the moment to rebuild contacts and dip his toe back in, so once school starts he can be working 25hrs/wk, even if just term time only.
In our family, DH is a higher earner and I work PT self-employed. This works really well as I can structure all my hours around our DCs needs (including holidays, special assemblies, medical appointments etc) whilst still bringing in extra money.

You need a formal childcare arrangement and to apply for maintenance if it turns out you have SD more than 50/50 (which it sounds like you do when school hols are taken into account).

Have a set of clothes for SD at yours and make sure they're kept there. Wash the 'too small' clothes SD arrives in and send her home wearing them so they don't disappear never to be seen again.

I disagree with PPs that your DH is contributing nothing, as he is contributing time, labour, and childcare, but your DD is old enough now he should be also working PT to contribute a little financially too and it sounds like overall labour time isn't balanced between you. Do you get equal leisure time? It doesn't sound like it if you are working into the evening, given there are 15hrs/wk DD is in childcare and she'll be in bed by 7/7.30. He seems to be getting a much better deal here.

OK, your updates get more and more grim, @Burntoastime

What does your 'D'H actually do all day?

I do think we need a formal childcare arrangement. It is timely as things will only get more complicated as DD starts school and SD moves up to secondary.

I also need to rethink my work pattern. It doesn't make sense that I work late 4 days a week up to my DDs bedtime so that SD doesn't need to go to after school club on one day a week, which is what this boils down to in the end.

I am going to suggest we draw up a parenting plan and try to get it agreed with SD mum. Nothing drastic just setting things in place and setting standards, we all get a chance to plan and make the best of our time.

I am also going to have to look again at budget. You are right that as I am in my overdraft we don't really have 'spending money'. But would feel cruel for DH to have no cash. Will need to go back to the drawing board and not do guilty spending on SD. She does have plenty and her mum could easily afford to buy more of her day to day items.

Also if you do need to buy her things, you can buy them second hand , then keep them at yours so she has them when she needs them. I agree with others that he needs to start working again. Once your daughter starts school then you will be better to go back to doing five days rather than compressed hours

I don't think you are seeing how bad this is.

Why on earth would a child with a SAHP ever even need to go to after school club. Why is that your headache?

I have an awful feeling that the useless dh doesn't do ANY drop offs or pick ups 😡

The two childen will be at different schools so DH would not be able to simultaneously pick up both

But would feel cruel for DH to have no cash.

Fucking hell op. If he wants cash he can go out to work. It really is that simple.

Why do you need to work compressed hours so SD doesn’t have to go to after school club when your DH is a SAHP?

You need to quickly start putting you and your DD first

Give DH a timeline of say 2 months that he can start work build networks etc while DD is in nursery and after this time you are not paying for swimming, clothes for DSD

Really you need to leave your DSD’s parents to it in regards to contact. Plan as if your DSD is not there and if she is bonus, however continue your weekend holiday plans with DD.

If DSD’s parents can’t organise a schedule it shouldn’t be negatively affecting your and DD’s life …repeat repeat repeat “Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys “

Your "D"H sounds like a waste of space. The problem is with him not SD's mum. She's probably trying to get what she can out of you because she knows she's unlikely to get much out of him for her DD. I don't agree with this but have some sympathy for her. He should be paying for his child.

Have you thought about binning him off altogether when your DD starts school? You won't have to pay for him and SD, you'll have quality time with your own DD and your resentment may reduce.

He isn't actually a waster... DD has only just started nursery, before DD he did used to work and actually used to pay money to SD mum every week despite earning less and doing at least 50:50 himself, as well as having higher outgoings. She stopped demanding this when he suggested they use a CMS calculator.

This current balance of work/finance/nursery etc is quite recent so it has now started to grate.

Then he got used to putting everything on you pretty quickly didn't he?
Make plans with your own DD, she is at such a lovely age, I used to go on some fantastic adventures with mine at that age. It doesn't matter if your DSD turns up, you explain to her and her father that your daughter deserves to spend quality time with her mummy just like DSD does with hers.
I've said this a few times on here but never ever sacrifice your own child for someone else's. Too many women do and for what? To show a man (and his ex in your case) who doesn't give a shiny shit how nice and kind you are? To the detriment of your OWN child? I just cannot get my head around that. Your DD will notice that life revolves around DSD when she gets older, it will damage her relationship with her sister, her father and YOU. It could affect her self esteem and future friendships and relationships. She will watch her mum running around after people who just take take take and she will do the same. Your husband being a sahp isn't working anymore. He needs to contribute something and you need to start putting YOUR daughter first.

Yes I think you are right about this.

Make plans with your own DD, she is at such a lovely age, I used to go on some fantastic adventures with mine at that age. It doesn't matter if your DSD turns up, you explain to her and her father that your daughter deserves to spend quality time with her mummy just like DSD does with hers.

If you don’t do this already then please do. Whether it’s for a hour, an afternoon, a day out or a weekend away. Just take the time you want with DD and don’t let anyone dictate otherwise.

Yes I think you are right. I will just go ahead and make plans without worrying what DH and SD will do.

If DH bleats, you can reassure him it’s crucial for him and DSD to have quality 1:1 time.