How to balance what is best for SD and DD?

[Burntoastime]

Really struggling as a SM at the moment.

We have SD 50:50 and it is becoming clear that the way I am managing the kids' lives is getting unbalanced.

SD is 10 and DD is 4.

I am worried that my own lack of boundaries and desire to 'be a good person' have made me overlook my own daughter, and allowed SD's mum to tailor everything to her own personal advantage. From when contact is, to what I pay for, to who gets to do what and when.

Has anyone got any advice for how to make sure your own children don't get the raw end of every deal, just because they came second?

I think you've fallen into the "compromise creep". It's where something small makes sense and then so does the next small compromise and the next and then one day, you wake up and realise that you've made 50 small compromises and no one else has. Each one, individually, isn't such a big deal. But when they get looked at holistically, it is.

Assuming your DH isn't a dick but rather just a bit thoughtless (which is how I'm reading this), then yes, sitting down and talking through what works best for all of you and getting him to commit to that accordingly is your best bet. So definitely re more concrete plans for holidays etc. Definitely that if DSD has to do after school club for a couple of hours occasionally so you don't have to the extra/inconvenient hours (and it's not like it's a jail sentence - you can put her in but your DH could pick her up at 4:15 after he's done DD's school run. He doesn't have to leave her until 6 or whatever!).

Re clothes etc, that is a bigger conversation with SD's mum around which family is responsible for what and you might not find it goes entirely the way you want it to. But my sense is that is the tip of the iceberg for you - if everything is sorted, you won't be as irritated about the clothes etc. Having said that, as the SAHP, your DH needs to step up on organising the clothing for both girls, doing the shopping etc.

Just a guess - do you find you have to accommodate him becuase he can't possibly cope with both girls simultaneously or doing chores with them? eg, if he has to take DSD to football practice, do you have to be available to look after DD? This is a little habit we slipped into a lot when DH was a SAHD and I've had to consciously make a point of saying, "Actually, no. Yes, it might be boring for DD to watch DS' football, but I can't take 2 hours off work for this."

Wtf? He’s a SAHD to a 10 year old that he has 50/50, and a 4 year old who is presumably at nursery for 30 hours? You have a massive lazy git problem! We have DSD 50/50 and all four parents and step parents manage to work full time!

Oh my god, Op, I don't think you realise how bad this all is.
Tell him you want to spend more time with DD and he needs to start working because obviously your family need more money and you can no longer provide it.
It can't be down to you only.
Get him to work
Get him to adjust working hours so it suits DSD pick ups, it is not your problem to facilitate it
I would start getting a secret stash of money if I was you. You are abused, whether it is intentionally or not
DH doesn't get spending money if you are in overdraft.

If you split, he is going to get it all, and you will be seeing your DD eow and be paying main.

Get him to go to work nad not be in a position where he can claim he is the main carer for your DD
When it comes to DSD clothes, I would have clothes and shoes to use for when she is at yours. Send gerback to her mum in the same clothes she has been sent to you.

What a set up. Don't waste your life on trying to prove how good person you are.

Yes it absolutely is 'compromise creep'. You are right that the clothes thing is the tip of the iceburg, it just is the last piece in the picture which makes me feel taken for granted!

I have had a useful discussion with DH about a few of these things, the most important for me being the time spent with DD, so a chat on giving me proper notice on contact/I will be taking DD for 1-1 time/we need to look again at my working hours and explore other ways to make income.

He does seem to see my perspective and is supportive of my need for these things.

The clothes/shoes etc wont be an issue again for a while as DSD has everything she needs for this winter, summer and next winter. Luckily she is getting to an age where she takes her favourite/best items back and forth as she likes them.

What about the swimming lessons though OP? And anything else which is deemed a cost to you? I don't feel like you're really addressing the issue if I'm honest. Is he going to get off his arse and get a job?

It’s really depressing that you’re paying for her swimming lessons 😩 She has two parents ffs. Who booked these lessons? Who takes her to them? I bet it’s you, isn’t it?

Please stop banging on about swimming lessons. OP and he DH share finances. So they, as a family, are paying for the swimming lessons. And as OP has just said, the payment thing is the tip of the iceberg albeit one that OP might want to address in due course. Right now she cares about the TIME and the effort and her own time with her DD.

As the main breadwinner, when DH gives his family money of course it's actually ME giving them money. But that's not how we think of it and I wouldn't dream of suggesting that he should magic up cash from nowhere to pay these expenses when they come up. Just as I continue to roll my eyes everytime my friend who is a SAHM mentions that while her DH pays for all their family expenses, she needs to do jobs on the side to pay for her own clothes and hair and the like.

I'm not understanding why he can't do his freelance job? He has school age SDD half the week. So that's say Mon, Tues and a Weds morning he needs to do school drop off and pick up (except the lazy arse doesn't even do those) then has all the school day in which to work. Mum collects her Weds afternoon until the weekend, so work week wise, she causes the restriction of two days when he can only work between 9 and 3.

With your DD, she's at nursery 15hrs every week. Say 7.5hrs for 2 days. So if they were aligned with the days SDD is not there, that's two full days work he's perfectly capable of.

With all the flexibility freelance work affords, he doesn't work, why exactly?

@SavBlancTonight you're undermining the absolute piss-taking that this man is doing. He isn't paying for either of his children. He's palmed off expenses for a child who isn't even OP's onto her. And there is no good reason why this man can't work. I mean, he doesn't even do the childcare or pick-ups so WTAF does he do?

He definitely saw her coming. From a long long way away.

I'm not undermining anything. But while I am usually the first in the "what a wanker" line, I find it very frustrating this idea that in a married couple all expenses are shared.... except for any previous children of his. As a couple they decided he would be a SAHP and therefore he would not be earning. So his contribution needs to be something else. To complain that he's not contributing financially seems a bit silly when that was the agreement they made. What's more important is that he's not doing the bits he is supposed to be doing - ie managing the child care, organising the appropriate contact, facilitating OP's work etc.

Well you would find my household set-up frustrating then. Everything split down the middle except when it comes to his kids and my kid. I find it weird that anyone would expect a partner to take on financial responsibility for a kid that they didn't choose to bring into the world.

I would only find the set up weird if one of you is a SAHP with no income.

Although having said that, if a couple were married and one was a high earner and the other one wasn't, yes, I would find it weird if the high earner had a massive disposable income because the low earner was a) earning less and b) needed to pay for children from a previous relationship.

Either you share money or you don't. I don't particularly care which way you do it as long as it's fair and works for all involved. But I'm not a fan of sharing money only under certain conditions.

The swimming lessons are a sore point with multiple posters including me because the OP's husband is a lazy git who is taking advantage of her.

There are other step-parents, including step-mothers, who are higher earners and pay for horse riding lessons, etc for their step-children but due to their partner working not one poster comments on it.

DH profession wouldn't fit around the current hours, but long term we could look at us both working part time, yes.

He does all the pick ups/drop offs.

I do agree that we should provide 50% of stuff for SD. But given that I am more cash poor and time poor than SD mum it does feel unfair that it does end up being me. Although the literal money spent is less of the issue as I'm by no means tight, it's more the expectation behind it.

I do feel like the conversation with DH has helped as DH has now understood my perspective and wjll support me in having the time I need with DD.

We share money because when we live together and have the same children, we have the same vested interests and responsibilities, so it makes sense. Neither partner has any significant expenses the other person doesn't also benefit from, and if they do they roughly balance out. Other children that only one partner is responsible for muddy those waters. Hence why some people have that as an exception to the sharing money rule.

You may not like it but it's not illogical.

We can't currently afford a spending budget and a seperate joint household budget for clothes, trips, birthdays etc. So all extras would need to come out of our spending budget. Before the bills skyrocketed we did at least have a holiday savings pot.

@Burntoastime are you planning to sit down and completely reassess income and outgoings and how this needs to change between you and DH?

I think his SAHP dream has run out of road. Tinkering around the edges of this problem won't be enough - the 'creeping responsibilities' covered further upthread will be back unless you have a wholesale reset.

I do agree that we should provide 50% of stuff for SD. But given that I am more cash poor and time poor than SD mum it does feel unfair that it does end up being me. Although the literal money spent is less of the issue as I'm by no means tight, it's more the expectation behind it.

Yes, it does sound like SD's mum has got into the habit of taking the piss and your DH has facilitated that and you then bore the brunt of it. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better and that some progress has been made including in discussions with DH.

DH profession wouldn't fit around the current hours, but long term we could look at us both working part time, yes.

So why didn't he go and get a different job like working in a supermarket for a few evenings/nights per week?

Over the years I've known plenty of mothers with children under primary age do this. They ended up working with students so it's not only them who found work that fitted round their lifestyles.

Why does your DD go to nursery if your DH is a SAHP?

Why does your DD go to nursery if your DH is a SAHP?

She’s 4. A lot of children that age do go to part time nursery sessions eg a morning or afternoon.

She is in nursery as I think it's good for her to play with kids her own age and get familiar with the school environment/routine. She loves nursery.

Thanks everyone this thread has been really helpful.

People are too harsh, no one would ask why the child goes to nursery if mum is SAHM as if it was something wrong to do. Nursery is good for children to learn social skills, to have a contact with other children, to prepare them for learning routine before school, many advantages

To be honest I think there are a quite a few people who think that if a parent (mum or dad) isn’t working then the children should be joined at their hip out of principle. No nursery or playgroup. People can be just as vicious about mums.

Your DP absolutely needs to return to work. A 4 year old does not need a stay at home parent - pre school - school etc. If he does not earn then maintenance should not be paid. I would under no circumstances pay for his child at the expense of not having enough for my own. Why should you support you all and his daughter. He's having a laugh and needs to stop being a lazy arse and get out to earn money. Not working to support contact is absolute crap. He can work contact around working hours like most other parents!