How to balance what is best for SD and DD?

[Burntoastime]

Really struggling as a SM at the moment.

We have SD 50:50 and it is becoming clear that the way I am managing the kids' lives is getting unbalanced.

SD is 10 and DD is 4.

I am worried that my own lack of boundaries and desire to 'be a good person' have made me overlook my own daughter, and allowed SD's mum to tailor everything to her own personal advantage. From when contact is, to what I pay for, to who gets to do what and when.

Has anyone got any advice for how to make sure your own children don't get the raw end of every deal, just because they came second?

See I don‘t actually have a problem with DHs being SAHPs (a lot of the comments on here seem to think that SAHDs are automatically somehow scroungers whereas SAHM aren‘t), but financially it isn‘t working for you as, as a family, you are not earning enough to pay for everything for everyone, especially as your DD is in nursery 15 hours a week!

You need to have a conversation with your DH about a) his communication with his ex and HE needs to put in ground rules with her about clothes, who pays for what etc. As in I will buy shoes, you will buy a coat, we will go halves on school trips etc etc. If she won‘t agree, then say you will have to take the legal route.
And b) if your family does not have enough money, he should try and find some work that would fit around school hours, like many many mums do.

And how often does he have his DD? You say 50:50, and then imply you have her more than the mother does in the holidays. If that's the case, she owes your partner CMS.

OP shouldn’t have to pay a penny for a child that isn’t hers. Her H is a SAHD which means he isn’t financially contributing for either of his dds. Instead, OP is paying for 2 DCs (one isn’t hers) as well as her H. He needs a full time job, especially as neither of his dc are babies. Her H and his ex are financially abusing her.

Where does his spending budget come from?

How many families have a similar set up in reverse? As in mum and kid(s) from a previous relationship with new partner who works, they have a baby together, mum stays at home to look after the new baby and the man goes out to work and is providing for the mum‘s other kids too? It is so so common and hardly anyone would bat an eyelid. But as soon as it‘s the other way around, people say it‘s financial abuse, he using her, he‘s a cocklodger etc etc.

That‘s not to say that OP should be putting up with the situation, because in her case the set up isn‘t working and she‘s unhappy. So they need to talk. But on the face of it, their set up is very similar to a lot of people‘s where the mum stays at home and the kids/step kids are financed by the dad/step dad.

I give DH and myself the same amount of spending money. It's basically what is left other than food shopping and bills.

I thought this was the right way of doing things when one parent is SAHP. But he should be paying more out of it.

@WishingIWasOnHoliday I agree it's common the other way around, but I think it's a pisstake then, too.

Broadly speaking, if you have an older child to support, you should be earning at least something to do so. Anything else is asking a huge amount from your partner.

If there's no older child involved, either parent being a SAHP is a valid choice.

I am fairly sure that in this situation, many would be asking 'what is the dad contributing towards hia daughter? Why isn't he clothing her? Why is he demading to change contact arrangements which the kids are looking forward to, when it suits him, and expecting new DH to do childcare to save him money?'

A couple of things to point out not already covered...

1. Thought BEFORE you clarified she's at nursery. You are a family. If the genders were reversed and the wohp phrased it 'my' money when there is a sahp looking after the joint child, there would be an outcry of 'our' money. You have decided between the 2 of you, to have 1 wohp and 1 sahp so it is both of your money. He would have to pay his maintenance out of 'your' money since it's the only money coming in!

1. After the 15 hour disclosure - he should absolutely be doing his freelance work then. Maintenance can come from that.

1. Are you sure you're paying for 'everything' for your sd? It might just be that you haven't listed everything for brevity. But my ex buys those things you've listed for our girls but it comes no where near close to even half of our dds costs. Of course that will differ child to child. But I pay every school request (loads - trips, contributions), every extracurricular activity (loads), bus pass (£3k per year) etc. there is potentially so much and shoes and nice coats doesn't touch the sides.

'My' money as in 'my' spending budget and 'my' overdraft. DH gets the same budget.

No there arent bus passes etc and I have in the past paid for extracurriculars

Woah!! So, after bills etc are paid, you get the same disposable income for personal spends and it's only out of your side the DSD costs come?!? Wow. That's outrageous! What is he spending his personal spends on?

You are a decent do the right thing person who's being exploited by a pair of chancers🤬
In your shoes I think I would want to step away from the situation and just focus on my own child, I don't want to speak against you because you're a good person but the problem with that is you don't realise how willing other people are to exploit your good nature.
I'm sorry to say the take-home message is do not have children with someone who already has children with someone else. The divided loyalties make it too easy to exploit you.

Yes that is the right way to do it, that you both have equal spending money. Also, I don't think SD costs should come out of his spending money they are a household cost like the food shop.
BUT
If you are in overdraft, this is not "what is left over" after bills etc. There is NO money left over - you are in debt (overdraft is debt).
So for the next X months both you and DH will have to take a big cut in spending money allowance. Cut it in half, or quarter, or cut it out completely.

That might just give him the kick he needs to earn some money for himself instead of getting pocket money from you.

There is absolutely no reason he shouldn't work. Give him a few months to sort it, and then if he is still on his backside all day long then seriously consider LTB.

How is the EX abusing OP?
50:50 means Dad needs to provide as much as mum. OP is providing on her DPs behalf. If OP is providing on his behlad school clothes, school shoes and coat - we then assume Mum is providing all other clothes etc.

So the only abuse is from the DP/F who is not doing anything for 50% and relying on two women to provide for him

To be fair we do only get a very small amount of disposable income each. And we both do help top up the food shop. So it's not like he is running off and buying video games or something. I probably just need to either ask him to buy this stuff himself or ask for money back.

So if the roles were reversed we all know full well that the woman sahp would be doing absolutely everything with regards to the house and childcare... does your DH take care of everything at home?

She is not. She has her on week days where she wears the school uniform I bought cos her mum kept sending her in one way too small. In holidays etc it becomes quickly apparent her mum doesn't want to spend on regular clothes. Long standing issue.

Woah OP no sorry in the nicest possible way your a mug … anything for his daughter at a minimum comes from HIS spending money - this is the first thing you do/ stop

I understand your income is higher and that’s why the intention was for you to work however, you only have one daughter, and you are losing precious time with her to work full time to pay for another person’s child ( yes your SD but you will never be her mum or get thanks)

Time for DH to increase hours and you spend a lot more time and money with your DD

And leave the contact flaff to her parents you prioritise your DD she is only little for a very short period

Part of the issue re finances is that you SD has 2 people supporting her (mum and you) and your dd only has 1.
Also if you have her 50:50 why is your household paying for everything?

So what are you going to do about it OP? It's clear your waster husband is not working through choice, are you happy to keep funding him and his child to the detriment of your own child and yourself? Because your responses to this thread are incredibly passive, as if you have no voice or choice within the relationship (which imo is toxic and financially abusive).

Not everything as SD mum pays for her meals/home/trips/holidays/treats when she is with Mum. But most other stuff falls to me because, as PP said, I am a mug! I do need to get some better boundaries I am just not 100% sure what the right boundaries are. This thread is helping, though

If either of you is using your 'personal' allowance to top up household food shopping, then you are blurring the lines and are getting in a mess financially. Is that allowance you give him the only source of money he has?

Sit down with him and work out some clear rules that you both stick to. It sounds like you need to re-do the budget so that all food shopping and other costs are covered before the personal allowances are calculated. Examine bank statements and look at your actual figures.

It will be very 'visible' you if he gets a bit of shopping in, especially if he makes a great show of it, but you may not realise just how much of your personal allowance just gets swallowed up in buying bits for the house or DC.

Do you have a joint account? If you do, all household and DC costs should come out of that account.
If not, get yourself a second current account, and put your personal allowance into it each month. Then never, ever buy stuff for the house or DC out of that personal account. You need crystal clear rules and firm boundaries.

This.

your husband and his ex are scamming you.

Sit your husband down, tell him you would like to reduce your hours to spend more time with your DD and he needs to get a job. Quickly. Then every day when you get in from work ask him how the job hunt is going. EVERY DAY. Better yet, look with him so he can't just fob you off.
You are struggling, surely he can see that? Answer honestly op, do you think he will try and find a job?

I really disagree with the posters who say DH should pay for his daughter. I believe children of a home are always a household expense, like the gas bill or food shop. So 50% of her clothing and other costs should come out of your/DH joint household expenditure.

The real issue is that DH is not contributing anything/enough into that joint pot.
He needs to get back to work.