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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing the locks tomorrow so SD can’t do this anymore

177 replies

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 04:47

SD is 20 and has lived with us since age 15. Terrible teen issues and DP ex couldn’t cope anymore.
Nothing much has changed still issues. SD works full time and goes out nearly every night coming home at 2/3/4 am and waking us all up. We have 2 younger dc and it’s affecting them severely.

She pays us rent but doesn’t clean up after herself at all and I feel like I’m running a hotel service

I’ve told DP locks are getting changed tomorrow and her stuff packed up. Given so many chances for her to change. She can get a room somewhere in a shared house I’ve had enough . I can’t have my children woken nearly every night it’s affecting their schooling as they are exhausted (they are 7 and 5)

OP posts:
croupy · 08/02/2023 09:46

She sounds really selfish… but chucking her out will cause irreparable damage.

You will need to find a way to get through to her? I don’t know how though.

SemperIdem · 08/02/2023 09:55

She sounds ridiculously selfish. She’s 20, not a child. She needs to grow up.

Her father needs to take the lead in resolving this however, not just leave it to you, because that isn’t fair.

Couchpotato3 · 08/02/2023 10:01

I say let Gran have a go at managing her. You may find that she is more effective in shutting down the ghastly behaviour. She can move there immediately and then you can all help her to find some independent accomodation asap. You can't just let her come home at 3am to changed locks. That's just yet another disturbed night and more chaos. Do this in a calm and respectful way and you are more likely to get a good outcome for all concerned. If she lands back on you, move out with the kids and let DH find a solution.

DangerNoodles · 08/02/2023 10:02

God my DS got a better night's sleep with a new baby in the house. How can a 20 year old be so selfish!? Why are posters referring to her like she is a child? She is an adult, she knows there are young children in the house and she has been told she is disturbing everybody but she still carries on. Tough love is definately needed, if you give her notice she won't make any arrangements, she will just try to make you change your mind.

Nan sounds great, take her up on her offer but just keep an eye out to make sure SD doesn't start taking the piss out of her too. Nan seems tough though so I reckon SD will be in a flat share in no time!

Viviennemary · 08/02/2023 10:04

Give her a month to move out. Changing locks is an awful thing to do. You should have given her notice to leave before things got to this stage. Any more ringing the doorbell shes out there and then. You've been far too soft.

FrenchandSaunders · 08/02/2023 10:15

Sounds like my friend's DD, are drugs also involved OP?

Intrepidescape · 08/02/2023 10:16

Xenia · 08/02/2023 08:15

She should not be banging on the door. Many 20 year olds are away at university though doing exactly what she is but not working so she it not unusual. Even last night my two who are 24 woke me at 2am (I am a very light sleeper) and I had to get up at 6.45am today to drive one to the station for work and was saying to myself I am burning the candle at both ends without choosing to do so, as if I had a new baby (well not quite like that but it is frustrating when people keep very different hours).

In this case I would not change the locks yet. I would give her 3 months to move out and even help her. With university students parents are often involved, asked to be guarantors of rent etc etc

Why would you give her 3 months? This is absolutely ridiculous!! There are young children in the house that she is waking up every single morning!!

It will just mean delaying the inevitable.

She needs to go TODAY!!

Sugarplumfairy65 · 08/02/2023 10:17

CornishGem1975 · 08/02/2023 08:44

I was like this at 20, most are! My parents never would have changed the locks though or kicked me out, I would have just got a right old bollocking, tried harder for a while but probably ended up waking them many times again.

Why would an adult woman do something like that?

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 08/02/2023 10:22

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 05:05

She seems to think if she can survive on a few hours sleep that I’m over reacting but it’s different when you’re 20 and can manage that then get up drink a disgusting energy drink and carry on . I’m 45 and I feel horrendous I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in 1 year because of this

Absolute nonsense does she think you can all survive on that sleep if she can. Her behaviour is incredibly aggressive. She’s very very angry with you all and she wants you to know. She wouldn’t dare behave this way with housemates. You’re right to move her out asap

Alondra · 08/02/2023 10:27

I think your idea of changing the locks is more than ok. She's not a kid, she's an adult affecting your small children and yourself with her behaviour. She's had enough time to change but doesn't want to or care.

Your first responsibility is to your children. They are too small to be able to do anything about being woken up night after night because their adult half sister doesn't give a damn about anyone except herself. You need to be their best advocate - no one else will.

My advice is to advise your SD that the situation is unsustainable and you will change the locks if she doesn't move out. Give her a week and then change locks.

Liorae · 08/02/2023 10:29

mindutopia · 08/02/2023 09:31

This is perfectly normal behaviour for a 20 year old (apart from the being rude bit, obviously), but this is why many 20 year olds don't live at home still. Sounds like it's time for her to fly the nest and live independently. Can you support her to help launch into the real world? Most parents help and certainly I wouldn't have been able to get my own place easily without parent help.

It isn't normal behavior for a 20 year old. It really isn't. I don't know what kind of 20 year olds you know, or how, but it is very far from normal behavior.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2023 10:29

The main problem with changing the locks is that she’ll just end up banging and ringing again to be let in.

I thinking her father needs to give her notice 1/2 weeks maybe. And you need to step back. I know it’s hard and she’s pushing all your buttons when you are so so tired, but he needs to step up.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 10:31

junebirthdaygirl · 08/02/2023 05:42

Does she have a drink problem do you think? It sounds like she is fine, holding down a job, paying rent etc until she has drink taken and then she forgets all common respect for the household. Does this happen most nights as its unusual to be drunk on a Tuesday night? Is her Dad concerned about the level of her drinking and how she reacts to alcohol?

This is a good point. There’s a difference between being a full blown alcoholic and being alcohol dependent. I’d be concerned that she’s the latter and doesn’t realise it.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 10:32

She sounds a bit troubled and I feel a bit sorry for her but you're right, if she won't respect everybody's needs, she needs to go.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/02/2023 10:35

Making a sudden decision to throw her out today - with no notice and no agreement from your DH would be a bad idea of course.

However - deciding to follow through on previous plan (one agreed with her father) to move her directly into her grandmother's home until she can find her own place sounds fair to all of your family and to her.

You've asked -explained - warned and listened to her apologies. That part is now over.

How you handle it is important.

No anger - no recrimminations - just a firm application of the reasonable consequences of her actions. Stay on good terms with her -even if she is angry. She is in the wrong and will eventually realise it. The family relationship will recover.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/02/2023 10:37

Is your flat rented or do you (both?) own it?

I hope Nan used to be a deputy head or similar- the disciplinarian one!

billy1966 · 08/02/2023 10:38

MichelleScarn · 08/02/2023 09:45

Yep! 😆 thats a whole 2.5 hrs sleep, up at 6:30 shower and grab breakfast on the way!

Show quote history

I did this too, many, many times, right through my 20's, but I wasn't causing a drunken scene at 3am and waking the house.

It wouldn't have been tolerated by flatmates, nor would I be tolerating it either on my occasional early nights.

She's a selfish brat.

Awful that both parents put a selfish brat ahead of two young children.

How distressing for them to be woken regularly at that hour with such drama.

The sort of behaviour that could cause anxiety in a child.

Real Jeremy Kyle territory.

Change the locks and call the police if she turns up.

She needs a dose or reality.

Awful behaviour.

Shame on your partner allowing it to continue.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 10:41

Also, I don't doubt that her mum was seriously struggling but you can't just quit your children. If a kid's acting out, co-parenting effectively is all the more important, surely.

Alondra · 08/02/2023 10:49

BitOutOfPractice · 08/02/2023 10:29

The main problem with changing the locks is that she’ll just end up banging and ringing again to be let in.

I thinking her father needs to give her notice 1/2 weeks maybe. And you need to step back. I know it’s hard and she’s pushing all your buttons when you are so so tired, but he needs to step up.

It's not up to her father, it's up to the OP to advocate for the well-being of her 5 and 7 y.o. children when their half sister, an adult working full time, keep waking them up every night at 2-4 am, and when the OP who is 45 and working is exhausted as well.

It's the OP's home and she has the right to say "enough". I honestly don't get why so many posters keep justifying the 20 y.o. behaviour while giving a damn about how the small children are being affected.

MeridianB · 08/02/2023 10:55

OP, you are a better woman than I to have put up with this for a year.

Great that your DP is on board and planning to drive this. Even better that his DM is supporting you all and wants to help.

I hope the plan to get her out of the house today goes smoothly.

More broadly, I wonder if she has a drink and/or drug problem. If not, then perhaps the pub she works in could offer her longer term living space?

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 11:05

Not excusing her behaviour in any way, but I’m another saying that changing the locks isn’t the answer - may potentially cause problems in your relationship with SD and DP as well. I think a better solution is to put her on notice that she has a couple of weeks to find somewhere else to live. And mean it. Tell her that her utterly selfish and irresponsible behaviour has caused numerous problems, she clearly has no intention of changing, you’ve had enough and she’s left you with no alternative but to ask her to leave.

Where is her dad in all this. Surely he can’t think her behaviour is acceptable ? A few people criticising you and saying you wouldn’t throw her out if she was your own daughter, but biological parentage isn’t the issue because you appear to be the one bearing the brunt of her behaviour - cleaning up after her, dealing with the upset it’s causing to the younger children, and losing out on sleep into the bargain. It sounds as though your DP doesn’t have your back and you need him on side to deal with this.

I think you also need to tell her that the fact you’re asking her to leave doesn’t mean you don’t care about her, and if she’s having problems you’ll help however you can. It does sound as though there’s an element of alcohol dependency which she may not think it’s a problem now but the longer it carries on, the more it will impact her life, including her job. You can be caring but firm. You’ll help her however you can, you’re just not prepared to do it under the same roof any more.

Rightsraptor · 08/02/2023 11:13

The government website (I am assuming you are UK) says the notice period for a lodger will usually match the rent payment period.

So if your SD pays rent monthly, it's 1 month's notice. If she pays weekly, it's 1 week's notice.

Give it in writing as well as telling her.

ImAvingOops · 08/02/2023 11:17

She's not a lodger though, she's family, living in the family home. She doesn't need notice - OP can just return any rent paid in advance.

MichelleScarn · 08/02/2023 11:18

Any problems that occur in the relationship if the locks are changed are fully on the adult DD.

Doesn't sound like op would be asking her to leave if she treated the home and her family with consideration.
Any problems are solely down to her obnoxious and rude behaviour at daft o'clock!

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 11:19

taxpayer1 · 08/02/2023 08:06

You wouldn't change the locks if she were your own daughter. She needs help.

Biology is irrelevant. The OP is the one bearing the brunt of this behaviour. No one’s saying neither parent will help - just not from under the same roof any more.