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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing the locks tomorrow so SD can’t do this anymore

177 replies

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 04:47

SD is 20 and has lived with us since age 15. Terrible teen issues and DP ex couldn’t cope anymore.
Nothing much has changed still issues. SD works full time and goes out nearly every night coming home at 2/3/4 am and waking us all up. We have 2 younger dc and it’s affecting them severely.

She pays us rent but doesn’t clean up after herself at all and I feel like I’m running a hotel service

I’ve told DP locks are getting changed tomorrow and her stuff packed up. Given so many chances for her to change. She can get a room somewhere in a shared house I’ve had enough . I can’t have my children woken nearly every night it’s affecting their schooling as they are exhausted (they are 7 and 5)

OP posts:
euff · 08/02/2023 07:09

Agree with others that locks shouldn't be changed on her without notice. Not saying you should let her stay as you've told her the consequences of her behaviour which is really bad and constant sleep deprivation for you and the kids is horrible. Just give her x notice to arrange somewhere else to stay. Let her Nan etc know that you are at breaking point and your small DC are being woken and keep awake regularly.

Although I think it should come from DP, I'm not sure it will make much difference to how she views you afterward.

MayThe4th · 08/02/2023 07:15

I understand your frustration but your DP needs to deal with this not you.

Yes it may be time for her to move out but there is a right and wrong way to make this happen.

If my partner changed the locks and threw my child out I would change the locks before he got home. Nobody else would throw my child out, even if the time had come for them to move out.

You run a real risk of destroying your family, including your relationship with your DP, if you follow through with this.

Zonder · 08/02/2023 07:16

Don't change the locks tomorrow. Give her a week's notice and put it in writing that it is because of her antisocial behaviour. If she radically changed her behaviour in this week you could relent but we know it's not likely.

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:19

DP wanted her to leave previously it was me that suggested we try a room shift do she could fall in the door into her room instead of crashing down the hallway to her room next to dc room !
His mum has been offering her a room there for ages to relieve the pressure on us . I won’t change the locks but dp agrees she goes today she’s effectively had notice as he has said to her it was on the cards if things didn’t change .

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 08/02/2023 07:20

I'm surprised that you haven't had complaints from neighbours.

You do need to get her out as the behaviour is intolerable, but I'd suggest giving her a few days.

Has her grandmother agreed she will have her?

2crossedout1 · 08/02/2023 07:22

Tell her that this isn't working. Help her find a place to move to. Don't change the locks - that is a nuclear option.

mycatsanutter · 08/02/2023 07:23

This is awful op I can totally understand why you have had enough , a whole year of being woken up ! My son would do it once a week/fortnight when he was at home and that was annoying . She is being so so disrespectful and needs to find somewhere else to live asap, you have been very patient and she doesn't give a damn

MarieRoseMarie · 08/02/2023 07:25

You need to change the locks otherwise she’ll come home anyway. Sit her down and tell her to leave. Then get the locks changed. You may need to call the police if she comes back home and starts banging on the door. Are you ready for that?

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:27

hedgehoglurker · 08/02/2023 07:20

I'm surprised that you haven't had complaints from neighbours.

You do need to get her out as the behaviour is intolerable, but I'd suggest giving her a few days.

Has her grandmother agreed she will have her?

Yes her nan has offered before lots of times. DP wanted to ask her a few weeks ago and told SD she had to but I thought the room change may work as a last resort . We got a key safe too for when she couldn’t find her keys but she then couldn’t remember the code (wasn’t a difficult one )

It’s just affecting everyone so severely. DP is working from home today so luckily can look after ds while I go to work this morning and he’s going to tell her this morning she is going there ti stay and this afternoon he will drop her stuff round

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 08/02/2023 07:27

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:19

DP wanted her to leave previously it was me that suggested we try a room shift do she could fall in the door into her room instead of crashing down the hallway to her room next to dc room !
His mum has been offering her a room there for ages to relieve the pressure on us . I won’t change the locks but dp agrees she goes today she’s effectively had notice as he has said to her it was on the cards if things didn’t change .

Good…so she goes crashing home drunk to her grand mother every night instead. See how long that lasts.
Don't forget to take her house keys off her before she goes.

Halfanhourmax · 08/02/2023 07:27

MarieRoseMarie · 08/02/2023 07:25

You need to change the locks otherwise she’ll come home anyway. Sit her down and tell her to leave. Then get the locks changed. You may need to call the police if she comes back home and starts banging on the door. Are you ready for that?

If she’s paid rent and is served no notice will the police tell op the Sd is allowed back in the house if sd calls them? I’ve absolutely no idea of what the police can do/if sd has any rights etc but maybe something to consider and give notice as another poster suggested?

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:28

LAMPS1 · 08/02/2023 07:27

Good…so she goes crashing home drunk to her grand mother every night instead. See how long that lasts.
Don't forget to take her house keys off her before she goes.

Show quote history

Her Nan knows the situation and has been telling us for months ‘send her here-she will soon stop or decide to move in with friends ‘

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:30

Halfanhourmax · 08/02/2023 07:27

If she’s paid rent and is served no notice will the police tell op the Sd is allowed back in the house if sd calls them? I’ve absolutely no idea of what the police can do/if sd has any rights etc but maybe something to consider and give notice as another poster suggested?

Show quote history

We are considering that we effectively gave notice before and changed the rooms as a last resort now that hasn’t worked I don’t know what other option there is. I need to be ok for work , the dc need to be getting sleep and we are all exhausted

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2023 07:31

How does she hold down a job if she is drinking every night and getting in so late at night, or does she work in a bar?

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:31

I will check back in later on this thread as I need to go to work now with a banging headache and virtually no sleep 😭

OP posts:
Davepartyof3 · 08/02/2023 07:31

Woah. No way on earth I would just change the locks on a young adult unless they were a very serious risk to our safety. I would leave any partner who did what you’re suggesting. Surely you need to give her notice to find a safe place to live. I’m horrified.

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:33

toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2023 07:31

How does she hold down a job if she is drinking every night and getting in so late at night, or does she work in a bar?

She has 2 jobs one part time in a shop and then evenings in a local pub (then goes out after with colleagues apparently)

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/02/2023 07:34

I wouldn't pass the problem onto the gran.

I would drive her down to the council offices and say she's now homeless and get her temp housing if possible first. I don't know how you've put up with it for a whole year and not had a mental breakdown tbh.

P3N · 08/02/2023 07:38

Why would you allow this to continue for so long? She's not a teenager 😓you must be knackered. It's time to toughen up and visualise the finish line now OP.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 08/02/2023 07:41

It sounds like she's been given enough chances by your and her df. It's time to let other members of the family help now - you've exhausted all your options and need to protect yourself and your other dcs.

I think you've been a saint to hold out for this long and have made lots of reasonable adaptions to help her.

I hope it goes well and you get your life back on track quickly. Well done though - you've tried everything and it's time to draw a line now. For everyone's own good.

hatgirl · 08/02/2023 07:42

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/02/2023 07:34

I wouldn't pass the problem onto the gran.

I would drive her down to the council offices and say she's now homeless and get her temp housing if possible first. I don't know how you've put up with it for a whole year and not had a mental breakdown tbh.

highly unlikely the council will accommodate her in those circumstances for a number of reasons.

primarily that she has made herself homeless
they will also remind her of any legal rights she may have if there is a formal rent agreement (I doubt there is - I'm assuming she just hands over some board?)
they will ask if there is anyone else she can stay with as emergency accommodation can be fairly grim for young women and the safer stuff usually has long waiting lists. She has at least two other willing options

Halfanhourmax · 08/02/2023 07:42

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:30

We are considering that we effectively gave notice before and changed the rooms as a last resort now that hasn’t worked I don’t know what other option there is. I need to be ok for work , the dc need to be getting sleep and we are all exhausted

Show quote history

I’m not saying you’re wrong/judging, I’m just wondering if there’s a ‘process’ you need to follow eg if she’s paying rent does notice need to be in writing? Etc.

Again I’ve absolutely no idea I’m just thinking of you feeling relief at the whole situation being ‘sorted’ and sd calls the police as someone else said and them saying she has to be given access because she wasn’t given notice/has paid rent until a certain date or anything like that.

She may just ‘take it’ and go to her grandmothers or a friend but if she doesn’t and you need to call the police, or she calls them, I’m unsure of the legalities.

Coffeetree · 08/02/2023 07:43

Amazed at the phrasing of which relative would "have" her as though she were a toddler. She's well into adulthood!

As a PP said, your young kids need to not be growing up with this.

AndNowIKnowWhatHappened · 08/02/2023 07:44

Hope the plan works. She sounds terrible. What happens if you wake her up early every morning

Lkydfju · 08/02/2023 07:44

It sounds like you’ve been putting up with it for far longer than I think I could have coped. I agree that changing the locks without notice isn’t right but telling her that’s it and saying that if she tries it then you’ll change the locks is fair.
I can’t imagine I’d of got away with this living with my family and even with friends I was more considerate