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Original poster

Changing the locks tomorrow so SD can’t do this anymore

177 replies

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 04:47

SD is 20 and has lived with us since age 15. Terrible teen issues and DP ex couldn’t cope anymore.
Nothing much has changed still issues. SD works full time and goes out nearly every night coming home at 2/3/4 am and waking us all up. We have 2 younger dc and it’s affecting them severely.

She pays us rent but doesn’t clean up after herself at all and I feel like I’m running a hotel service

I’ve told DP locks are getting changed tomorrow and her stuff packed up. Given so many chances for her to change. She can get a room somewhere in a shared house I’ve had enough . I can’t have my children woken nearly every night it’s affecting their schooling as they are exhausted (they are 7 and 5)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/02/2023 08:55

I cannot believe you have tolerated this for a week not to mind a year.

Your poor children.

You have really failed them by allowing this to continue and putting her first.

5 and 7 are so small and they so need the stability of solid sleep to function and you have allowed a 20 selfish brat to disturb them.

Unbelievable.

custardbear · 08/02/2023 08:57

I was Going to say YABU but reading this I think your DH/her dad need to sort this out.
I'd agree with the grandmother, perhaps she'll sort her out! Often older people sleep less anyway and she can doze in the daytime whilst she's 'training' her grand daughter .. as long as she's fit and healthy
Good luck

billy1966 · 08/02/2023 08:58

I have 4 children on either side of 20 who come home from nights out and they are quiet, even when they have been drinking.

We would no more tolerate such absolute selfishness of disturbing the whole house on a regular basis.

This is NOT normal behaviour and it most certainly is not the behaviour of most 20 year olds at home.

Just because you are around 20 does not mean you don't have basic consideration for those you live with.

She is a disgrace.

gingercat02 · 08/02/2023 09:01

toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2023 07:31

How does she hold down a job if she is drinking every night and getting in so late at night, or does she work in a bar?

She's young. I used to go out once midweek and Friday, Saturday and Sunday night all through my early and mid twenties and then go to a professional job with no ill effects. Not every night granted but 4 out of 7

CornishGem1975 · 08/02/2023 09:02

Same @gingercat02 I remember getting home at 4am and leaving for work at 7am 😥

Nolongera · 08/02/2023 09:06

Increase her rent for being an arsehole.

Say none arsehole for the whole week behaviour rent is £100 a week.

Any arsehole behaviour and it's £250 a week.

Partially tongue in cheek.

Pineapple25 · 08/02/2023 09:15

I think it's time SD went to a flat share with friends!

FeinCuroxiVooz · 08/02/2023 09:17

Doesn't sound like there's much point changing the locks, she will still wake everyone up with banging etc if she reckons she still has a bedroom there. but yanbu. sending her to nan's will help. Getting a bit of distance does wonders for family relationships. there was huge tension and arguments all the time from when I was about 14 until when I moved out, it's totally natural and part of normal development. she needs to leave home in order to develop the rest of the way into adulthood - she may be legally adult now but her brain hasn't finished its growing and won't for a few years yet. experiencing the opportunity to stand on her own two feet will be valuable. she's very lucky that her gran is offering to support her through the transition.

Newmum0322 · 08/02/2023 09:21

junebirthdaygirl · 08/02/2023 05:07

I wouldn't change the locks and lock her out as you risk destroying the relationship forever. I would serve her notice giving her until say end of next week to find alternative accommodation. Locking her out is too extreme l believe. Just tell her from a certain date she no longer lives at your place. But her dad needs to do it or she will forever blame you.

This. But give her 4 weeks and don’t do it from a place of anger.

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 09:28

Newmum0322 · 08/02/2023 09:21

This. But give her 4 weeks and don’t do it from a place of anger.

Show quote history

4 weeks???!!

FeinCuroxiVooz · 08/02/2023 09:30

4 weeks is way too long. a few days is plenty given that nan's is already available so no organisation is needed. but yes this needs to come from her dad, not you. don't let yourself be cast as the baddie.

mindutopia · 08/02/2023 09:31

This is perfectly normal behaviour for a 20 year old (apart from the being rude bit, obviously), but this is why many 20 year olds don't live at home still. Sounds like it's time for her to fly the nest and live independently. Can you support her to help launch into the real world? Most parents help and certainly I wouldn't have been able to get my own place easily without parent help.

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 09:34

I was dating someone who had a very similar daughter. They had a drink problem and came in all hours and were abusive and loud.

I told my partner that something had to be done as it was affecting the rest of us negatively and their daughter was no longer a kid. They did half arse changes and when I finally got assaulted by the daughter (after having my clothes set on fire and having abuse thrown at me), I left (via the police and a restraining order). That person is still alone and living with their daughter. Don't be that person. This is your life. You have raised your daughter and its time for her to become and adult.

Justmeandthedog1 · 08/02/2023 09:34

I think you and DP together say:
SD, we’ve done everything we can to accommodate you, you have not kept to your agreement. You make too much noise, disturb us and the younger children. You will be moving out at the weekend. We suggest you arrange to stay with a friend, your mother or gran from Saturday. Your father will help transport your things Saturday morning.
Any whining of “Ill change “ just repeat Saturday morning.

You have been more than fair to the selfish madam.

CPL593H · 08/02/2023 09:34

The whole key thing is odd. Does she leave them at home or can she just not find them in her bag? It sounds like you've tried to make it work in a way that would allow her maximum freedom and she's still disrespectful and inconsiderate of the needs of other people in the household (remembers sneaking in like a tipsy ninja so as not to alert parents to fact it was 3 AM...)

Something needs to change and it sounds like she will have to be elsewhere for it to do so and for her to grow up a bit.

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 09:35

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 09:28

4 weeks???!!

Show quote history

Hell no. Do it now and get rid. She's had plenty of warnings.

bloodyplanes · 08/02/2023 09:37

NightsThatStartWithWhiskey · 08/02/2023 05:17

What does her dad say? Is he ok with this? No one would kick my child out like this. At the very least, she needs some notice.

I think you need to calm down and stop the dramatic behaviour, this is real life not some tv show. She obviously shouldn’t be waking everyone up and leaving a mess, but what you propose has the potential to blow apart family relationships.

This is absolute bollocks! Op is not being dramatic at all! I would have tolerated this behaviour for a couple of weeks max before i lost my rag, op has been putting up with this for a year! Why should one person in the house get to disrupt everyone else's life constantly? Op your dsd is an adult and needs to start acting like one instead of a selfish teenager and whilst you keep allowing her to get away with behaving like this she has no reason to stop! I absolutely would kick her out!

ElsieMc · 08/02/2023 09:38

I had all this but with my own dd. The hold she had over us was the fact her two little boys (one a baby) lived here. It was emotional blackmail and she went out every weekend and would come back in a terrible state. Out also during the week and I would sit up and wait for her. I can understand when you say you feel nauseous with tiredness. I also worked fulltime.

We decided to refuse to have the children one Saturday. She went absolutely ballistic. She said what difference did it make because we were already here. I just wanted to relax, not have to be woken by drunken arrivals in the early hours. She would often not pay the taxi and I would hear angry shouting.

You have been more than reasonable op. Do not change the locks though as it could place her in danger late at night. Give her a week to go but it is also not fair on her grandmother who will also have to put up with this. She needs to go into a houseshare where her housemates will soon get pissed off. Also the late night cooking places you all at risk if she is drunk. This needs to stop now.

Sunriseinwonderland · 08/02/2023 09:38

Just do it. This is the lesson she needs to learn. She's not homeless. She has other places to go. Just be prepared for some door banging for a few days. How did she end up in this mess? Did she have a happy childhood?

whatchaos · 08/02/2023 09:39

Why keep the problem within the family? She needs to live independently / in a house-share, her lifestyle sounds incompatible with all her relatives. None of you are doing her any favours by being so involved.
Just give her notice (don't change the locks), do it kindly even if through gritted teeth and show her how to find a new place - then let her get on with her lifestyle and she'll likely grow up a bit once faced with paying all her own bills and managing her own space.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/02/2023 09:41

Have you given reasonable notice to allow her to find somewhere to stay?

Crumpleton · 08/02/2023 09:42

You seem to keep telling her if she doesn't stop she'll have to move out.
She hasn't stopped but hey she's still living there.

Based on that maybe she feels you're not going to make her move out and in her mind all she has to do is say what you want to hear and it'll be fine.
Which so far it is as she's still crashing about and you're still threatening.

Rightsraptor · 08/02/2023 09:43

INAL but from my conversations with Citizens Rights and people like that, your SD probably has the legal status of a lodger, which doesn't give her many rights at all.

I think when you first posted, it was probably the tiredness really talking (and I definitely don't blame you). If you and her father can, sit her down & give her a good talking to today. Explain everything very clearly. Have ready a formal, letter printed up and signed by you both giving her one week's notice to move out. And mean it.

As you say, she does have other places to go to so she won't be on the streets.

Twiglets1 · 08/02/2023 09:45

You need to give her a reasonable amount of notice say 1 month and tell her that after that you are changing the locks. The main problem is she needs to move out which will help we to mature no end. Make sure you and your husband are a united front. In fact I would get him to explain it to her as he is the biological parent so can’t be labelled an evil stepparent

MichelleScarn · 08/02/2023 09:45

CornishGem1975 · 08/02/2023 09:02

Same @gingercat02 I remember getting home at 4am and leaving for work at 7am 😥

Yep! 😆 thats a whole 2.5 hrs sleep, up at 6:30 shower and grab breakfast on the way!