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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing the locks tomorrow so SD can’t do this anymore

177 replies

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 04:47

SD is 20 and has lived with us since age 15. Terrible teen issues and DP ex couldn’t cope anymore.
Nothing much has changed still issues. SD works full time and goes out nearly every night coming home at 2/3/4 am and waking us all up. We have 2 younger dc and it’s affecting them severely.

She pays us rent but doesn’t clean up after herself at all and I feel like I’m running a hotel service

I’ve told DP locks are getting changed tomorrow and her stuff packed up. Given so many chances for her to change. She can get a room somewhere in a shared house I’ve had enough . I can’t have my children woken nearly every night it’s affecting their schooling as they are exhausted (they are 7 and 5)

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 04:53

75% of the time she can’t find her keys so rings the doorbell and bangs on the door.
if she finds her keys she slams the door so hard that wakes us up. She then proceeds to sing / talk to herself . Starts trying to cook etc.

OP posts:
elodiesmith · 08/02/2023 04:55

She's ruling your household and is making your lives miserable; absolutely not acceptable.

You have it as a duty to your kids to provide them with a stable home life.

I would kick her out, yes.

My mum kicked me out at 19yo (I can't even remember what for), I slept at my friend's for a bit then we made up and I moved back in.

We have the best relationship, she is my rock and we would do anything for each other. Tough love was good for me.

Shamoo · 08/02/2023 04:57

What does she say when you talk to her about it and explain the impact?

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 05:02

Shamoo · 08/02/2023 04:57

What does she say when you talk to her about it and explain the impact?

she says all the right things. That she’s sorry and won’t do it again ……
24 hours later it’s the same thing and this has been for nearly a year now. I’ve spent hours calmly explaining the impact and trying to find ways round it even switching rooms (we live in a flat and changed her room with living room so she could come in and go straight to her room quietly) but she still is waking everyone as is either knocking /ringing doorbell or phoning and walking round everywhere making so much noise.

She has friends and her Nan nearby I think I’ve just had enough. Sat up since 340 am after she woke us all with ds who isn’t well and needed his sleep but he got woken and upset and can’t settle so I’ve just had enough. I am meant to have work tomorrow too and I feel nauseous with tiredness most days

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 05:05

She seems to think if she can survive on a few hours sleep that I’m over reacting but it’s different when you’re 20 and can manage that then get up drink a disgusting energy drink and carry on . I’m 45 and I feel horrendous I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in 1 year because of this

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 08/02/2023 05:07

I wouldn't change the locks and lock her out as you risk destroying the relationship forever. I would serve her notice giving her until say end of next week to find alternative accommodation. Locking her out is too extreme l believe. Just tell her from a certain date she no longer lives at your place. But her dad needs to do it or she will forever blame you.

Donotgogentle · 08/02/2023 05:07

What has your DP said?

It sounds like it’s time for her to move out but a bit more of a lead in time might be reasonable.

Donotgogentle · 08/02/2023 05:08

junebirthdaygirl · 08/02/2023 05:07

I wouldn't change the locks and lock her out as you risk destroying the relationship forever. I would serve her notice giving her until say end of next week to find alternative accommodation. Locking her out is too extreme l believe. Just tell her from a certain date she no longer lives at your place. But her dad needs to do it or she will forever blame you.

Agree. You also risk damaging the relationship with your DP.

I get why you’re frustrated though OP.

MudLady · 08/02/2023 05:11

What has your DP been doing about her behaviour? What did he say about the locks? And have you previously told her that she'll have to find somewhere else to live if she doesn't improve? Less than 24 hours notice seems a bit harsh if she didn't know beforehand that it was a possibility.

NightsThatStartWithWhiskey · 08/02/2023 05:17

What does her dad say? Is he ok with this? No one would kick my child out like this. At the very least, she needs some notice.

I think you need to calm down and stop the dramatic behaviour, this is real life not some tv show. She obviously shouldn’t be waking everyone up and leaving a mess, but what you propose has the potential to blow apart family relationships.

Original poster
Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 05:17

MudLady · 08/02/2023 05:11

What has your DP been doing about her behaviour? What did he say about the locks? And have you previously told her that she'll have to find somewhere else to live if she doesn't improve? Less than 24 hours notice seems a bit harsh if she didn't know beforehand that it was a possibility.

Dp has warned her many times she will have to move out and we have a cycle of apologies and promise to change then nothing changes.

It’s hard to take privileges away as she’s an adult and paying rent. When younger she would have consequences we can’t use now
He has tried talking to her. On some occasions he’s got up when she’s come back and spoken to her but she gets really loud (drunk)

DP wanted to ask his mum to have her a few weeks ago but SD was crying so I suggested changing the rooms around and it hasn’t worked

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/02/2023 05:19

What's her father doing about the situation?

If you just change the locks surely she'll just knock loudly, ring the door bell etc so you will still be disturbed. Your DP needs to support her to find alternative accommodation... maybe offering to pay the first month's rent or similar?

tribpot · 08/02/2023 05:37

Changing the locks isn't going to stop her from ringing the doorbell and banging on the door, so I think you need to move her out more definitively and I agree with other posters that this needs to be visibly led by your DP.

I think I would start by him telling her she's going to his mum's for a month as none of you can cope any more with her antisocial behaviour. He obviously needs to address this with her whilst she's sober, not when she comes in drunk. He then gives her an hour to pack the stuff she wants to take and he takes her to her grandmother's.

And then I think irrespective of whether she actually goes, you and your DC should move out for several nights, as I think she will be back banging on the door. Is there somewhere the three of you can go to get a decent night's sleep?

junebirthdaygirl · 08/02/2023 05:42

Does she have a drink problem do you think? It sounds like she is fine, holding down a job, paying rent etc until she has drink taken and then she forgets all common respect for the household. Does this happen most nights as its unusual to be drunk on a Tuesday night? Is her Dad concerned about the level of her drinking and how she reacts to alcohol?

Mylaferret · 08/02/2023 05:55

You can't just change the locks and present her with a bag full of her stuff. I'm sure you can suck it up for another week or so while she finds somewhere else to live.

Ylvamoon · 08/02/2023 06:05

You and DH need to sit her down and give her an ultimatum. Change by the weekend or move to DH mum.
You've given her enough chances, time for actions.

And yes, change the locks if you feel better about it.

CharmedUndead · 08/02/2023 06:31

No ultimatums - she needs to move out. No more chances - she's had plenty.

I would normally say that she needs notice - a week or two - but actually this could backfire and there is an immediate bed for her elsewhere (dp's mum).

She should be told that staying at dp's mum is for a month or two, tops. She needs to find a place to live.

So, yeah, she packs a bag and leaves. Locks changed. Dp can tell her that anything she can't take will be boxed up and stored for when she finds a flatshare (or whatever).

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 08/02/2023 06:35

At 20 she’s old enough to move out, she’s had far too many chances and regardless of her paying rent, she can pay rent elsewhere and disturb them and see how many chances they get.

JanusTheFirst · 08/02/2023 06:36

Get her out. You're doing the right thing. She has no respect for you or her father and siblings.

RebeccaCloud9 · 08/02/2023 06:37

Fgs, sit down with her and talk - tell her she needs to find somewhere and let her move out properly. You can't just immediately lock her out of her home! You can be firm without being cruel. And if anything, she'll still come to your house and bang on the door to be let in!

LAMPS1 · 08/02/2023 06:39

What good would changing the locks do when she can never find her keys anyway. She will still be banging the door to be let in and waking you all up.
You sound at the end of your tether.
Prompt and drastic action is needed here. By her father.
The question is …..why hasn’t he sorted this by now ?

Dotcheck · 08/02/2023 06:39

Your husband needs to get up every time and make her be quiet

BishyBarnyBee · 08/02/2023 06:47

People are seriously arguing you should pass this problem on to her gran? Who will be even less able to cope with the disturbed sleep?

It seems to me you are washing your hands of her and would not do that if she were your own child.

Agree with the people saying her dad needs to get up and deal with it every single time.

Or you could have an adult conversation about how your lifestyles aren't compatible and she needs to find housemates who are happy with this. Which most wouldn't be.

Merrymouse · 08/02/2023 07:01

As others have said, she doesn’t seem to use her keys anyway, so a lock change won’t affect her if your DP still lets her in.

However frustrating it is for you, he needs to take charge of the situation, not you.

icelollycraving · 08/02/2023 07:04

Why on earth should her gran have to put up with this?!
Tell her she is moving out in a week. She’s been asked nicely, but her behaviour is unacceptable and is affecting all of your family, particularly her young siblings. She will still no doubt be back banging on the door so good luck with that. It must disturb your neighbours too.

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