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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing the locks tomorrow so SD can’t do this anymore

177 replies

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 04:47

SD is 20 and has lived with us since age 15. Terrible teen issues and DP ex couldn’t cope anymore.
Nothing much has changed still issues. SD works full time and goes out nearly every night coming home at 2/3/4 am and waking us all up. We have 2 younger dc and it’s affecting them severely.

She pays us rent but doesn’t clean up after herself at all and I feel like I’m running a hotel service

I’ve told DP locks are getting changed tomorrow and her stuff packed up. Given so many chances for her to change. She can get a room somewhere in a shared house I’ve had enough . I can’t have my children woken nearly every night it’s affecting their schooling as they are exhausted (they are 7 and 5)

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 08/02/2023 07:49

Well she's had plenty of chances by the sounds of it and you understandably sound like you're at the end of your tether. Her lifestyle just isn't compatible for your household.
You say the Gran has offered to take her in - is Gran quite strict and wouldn't stand for her nonsense?
It's definitely up to your partner to speak to her this morning though.

ImAvingOops · 08/02/2023 07:49

She might behave completely differently at her nan's house - different set up, more of a guest iyswim.
Hopefully it will shock her into changing her behaviour - at the moment she isn't inconvenienced enough to alter what she does. Living with nan might be sufficiently constricting that she finds a flat share asap or agrees to live at home and do as you ask!
I'd take keys off her and say this is temporary until she proves she can behave considerately.

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 07:49

Straight to nans
If Nan can't cope as she won't change then you off her the final chance
If she continues then you sit her down and look for shared houses together and even go to viewings with her
Then if that doesn't change her like you said you can't take things away from her as she is an adult so you need to explain to her that she is leaving
Few weeks in a shared house will either make or break her
The little children should not have to live like this or you adults but mainly the kids deserve better

Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 07:50

I usually side with the ‘child’ in this situation, because to me the excessive late nights and drinking sounds like she is really struggling and desperately unhappy. What is she doing at 3am? Is she a sex worker?
I would be very worried about her.
But I still support her moving out immediately.
Not passed on to an elderly relative to cope with but paying for her own room and board as a lodger.

Your dh is ineffective, she is s fully grown adult. It’s unfair on your children and will spiral into other issues.

I agree she needs to leave today and her father should help move her things and settle her elsewhere.

SunshineAndFizz · 08/02/2023 07:54

Definitely time for her to go. Give her a week to move out.

crowsfeet57 · 08/02/2023 07:55

I would drive her down to the council offices and say she's now homeless and get her temp housing if possible first. I don't know how you've put up with it for a whole year and not had a mental breakdown tbh

This used to happen all the time when I worked at the council. She will be advised to make an application for social housing. That could take a few months to be approved and she can start bidding for properties.

She will NOT be eligible for temporary accommodation unless she has significant special needs that have not been mentioned and even then it was mainly only people with children who got temporary accommodation. So the OP will be told "If you don't want her at home, she will need to sofa surf or sleep rough."

Unless there is social housing going spare in the area, the council is not the solution in this scenario.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/02/2023 08:00

Exhaustedandangry · 08/02/2023 07:27

Yes her nan has offered before lots of times. DP wanted to ask her a few weeks ago and told SD she had to but I thought the room change may work as a last resort . We got a key safe too for when she couldn’t find her keys but she then couldn’t remember the code (wasn’t a difficult one )

It’s just affecting everyone so severely. DP is working from home today so luckily can look after ds while I go to work this morning and he’s going to tell her this morning she is going there ti stay and this afternoon he will drop her stuff round

Show quote history

If the issue is that she keeps forgetting her key and ringing the doorbell, surely changing the locks is going to make the situation worse?

Badbudgeter · 08/02/2023 08:05

I think you’ve gotten into a cycle of recrimination and regret and it has to end so you’re going with nuclear option. He had the better idea she goes to his Mums and then gets a flat share.

taxpayer1 · 08/02/2023 08:06

You wouldn't change the locks if she were your own daughter. She needs help.

MyPurpleHeart · 08/02/2023 08:09

Mylaferret · 08/02/2023 05:55

You can't just change the locks and present her with a bag full of her stuff. I'm sure you can suck it up for another week or so while she finds somewhere else to live.

Yes you can. Its your home and you are not being respected. Kick her out, tough love

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/02/2023 08:10

Send her to her Nan's immediately, but start hunting for alternatives now, because she sounds unmanageable. Drinking every night to that extent is a major concern, even if she wasn't waking you all up. I'd also be wondering about what else she is doing....

hedgehoglurker · 08/02/2023 08:11

Coffeetree · 08/02/2023 07:43

Amazed at the phrasing of which relative would "have" her as though she were a toddler. She's well into adulthood!

As a PP said, your young kids need to not be growing up with this.

Not sure why you are amazed.

One of the definitions of "to have", in the Oxford English dictionary: "take or invite into one's home so as to provide care or entertainment".

Moveoverdarlin · 08/02/2023 08:11

You need to give her a date and say it’s time, as she’s growing up and needs her own space without young kids. Pitch it as a positive thing, help her look for shared houses or get her prepared for moving in with Nan on Saturday 4th March. That’s plenty of time.

hryllilegur · 08/02/2023 08:15

taxpayer1 · 08/02/2023 08:06

You wouldn't change the locks if she were your own daughter. She needs help.

people see SD and jump straight to this. But it’s not true. Lots of parents of young adults have to demonstrate ‘tough love’ when their children are causing such big problems and refuse to change.

Sometimes with young adults the best help is to make them live with the real consequences of their actions.

She won’t be on the streets and SD knows it. She’s well aware that her gran has said she should live with her. But SD doesn’t like that gran has said there will be rules.

There are young children in this house who need to be protected from the SD’s behaviour. Unlike the young adult, they don’t have choices about where they live.

Xenia · 08/02/2023 08:15

She should not be banging on the door. Many 20 year olds are away at university though doing exactly what she is but not working so she it not unusual. Even last night my two who are 24 woke me at 2am (I am a very light sleeper) and I had to get up at 6.45am today to drive one to the station for work and was saying to myself I am burning the candle at both ends without choosing to do so, as if I had a new baby (well not quite like that but it is frustrating when people keep very different hours).

In this case I would not change the locks yet. I would give her 3 months to move out and even help her. With university students parents are often involved, asked to be guarantors of rent etc etc

Rinkydinkydoodle · 08/02/2023 08:23

My mum threw me out in the manner you described when I was twenty two (trainee solicitor, I was not coming in late or drunk, she was at the last stage of menopause (which I’m just entering where I feel like everything massively annoys me lol). I had recently moved back after a bad break-up, she had forgotten what it was like being young and broken-hearted and basically I wasn't sixteen anymore). She was apologetic shortly after and it didn’t do too much lasting damage but it did become a running family story, the time poor Rinky got flung out into the night by her mum. Personally, I think you've tried everything you can but I wouldn’t go in too hard as you are the step-parent, it's not
fair on you to be the messenger and you have been an actual saint thus far. This needs to come from DP, I think you’ve given her enough notice, I agree with posters who say it’s past time for her mum to have a turn. Be the nice one and say you wish she could stay because you care for her but you can’t have her coming in pished and chaotic every night (presumably this also has the benefit of being true). Maybe her gran will sort it but ultimately she'd be better in a house share (though they will also have jobs to go to
and won't stand for too much of this either).

2Bornot · 08/02/2023 08:25

I’m sorry. ☹️ Sleep deprivation is the worst!

As you’ve all given in to her tears so many times, I suspect that if you change the locks she’ll have a key to the new lock within an hour, but it’s worth a try. You could book her a week in a nearby hotel, take her stuff there and pay for a week, then message her that she lives there for next week and then is on her own after that due to her continued unacceptable behaviour.

Not sure how she’ll rent a room on such low pay without a guarantor so it may have to be her Nan. Poor Nan. Do not agree to guarantee any rent!

What a crazy woman.

steppemum · 08/02/2023 08:43

The thing that jumped out to me from all your posts is this - nan says:

send her here-she will soon stop or decide to move in with friends

It sounds to me as if her Nan is young enough and capable enough to deal with her, and that it would be a good step on the way to finding her own place.

I think that it is time to take Nan up on the offer. Dh takes her to Nan's and takes her house keys off her. Only welcome at yours when she is sober, and during the day.

She really isn't being slung out of her home at all. To a caring relative who has repeatedly offered.

CornishGem1975 · 08/02/2023 08:44

I was like this at 20, most are! My parents never would have changed the locks though or kicked me out, I would have just got a right old bollocking, tried harder for a while but probably ended up waking them many times again.

KathyWilliams · 08/02/2023 08:46

OP, I would change the locks, but only after your stepdaughter has moved out to her grandma's. Ignore those who say you're passing the problem on - her grandma has offered repeatedly, so I'd take her up on it.

Other thoughts -

It is a pretty big deal that your stepdaughter's mum couldn't cope with her. This will have had some effect on your stepdaughter's self esteem. Alternatively, it will make her feel like a perpetual victim. Neither of those things is great. She may well say that you've also "kicked her out" and turn herself into the victim again, rather than reflecting on her own behaviour. Not that this should stop you doing it, but it might be a consequence.

Has she always been like this? My youngest has ADHD and does every single thing that you mentioned in your OP. The only difference is that I'm the only one who's being woken up as I don't have younger DC. Even then, it drives me insane, and I'm relieved when she is not here (she's at university). However, she has been like this since she was a small child, so it's easier to see a pattern.

A house share would be the best option for your stepdaughter, really, as she may also just need to be allowed to be young. I would have hated to be 20 and still living with my family (even though I loved them and got on well with them). She's not having the experience that her student peers have, and that's possibly a bit crap for her too.

CottonSock · 08/02/2023 08:47

What a nightmare. I hope her grandmother is deaf.

Merrymouse · 08/02/2023 08:48

Every night in the early hours is not normal for a 20 year old, particularly if they are living at home in a house with small children.

Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2023 08:50

I agree she needs to go but you can’t just change the locks and kick her out, you need to give her a week to find somewhere at least? And your dh should be the one to ask her to leave. At the age of 20 she’s perfectly capable of finding a house share or flat.

ImAvingOops · 08/02/2023 08:50

I don't think most 20 year olds are like this - I never was and neither are my 3 kids. I know a few parents who said to their kids that if they weren't home by X time, the door was getting locked and they would have to stay out!

Flatmates aren't going to put up with this shit either. My boys would not be impressed if a flatmate regularly came home at 3am, pissed up and noisy and woke the entire house because they cba to remember their keys - people in their 20s have to get up for work and won't tolerate this for long!

Merrymouse · 08/02/2023 08:51

Even living in halls, if you are waking everyone up ever night in the small hours crashing around without a key, you aren’t going to be popular.