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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son doesn’t want to visit

231 replies

Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:16

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

OP posts:
SmileWithADimple · 13/01/2023 09:20

I agree with you OP - at age 15 it needs to be his decision, not forced upon him. However if his mum disagrees then you can't overrule her.

Can't you (by which I mean his Dad) try to facilitate his social life? Is it really so far that you can't give him a lift back to go to a party (or whatever)?

SmileWithADimple · 13/01/2023 09:20

If his PC is at home - can't he bring it with him?

upfucked · 13/01/2023 09:21

Did his Dad move away from him? He really needs to facilitate his son’s social life.

Nimbostratus100 · 13/01/2023 09:25

I agree, his Dad needs to make sure he is still getting his social life. How far away is his other home? If its close enough to be driven to, then Dad should be doing that. If not, then can his Dad not take a hotel room nearby for his weekends with his son, at least when there is a party or something he doesn't want to miss?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/01/2023 09:25

Does he get any time with just his Dad doing age appropriate things or does everything include younger siblings? How old are your other kids?

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:28

SmileWithADimple · 13/01/2023 09:20

If his PC is at home - can't he bring it with him?

I’ve suggested this a million times but apparently he can’t unplug it because it will take ages to reboot and I don’t know what else. It’s one of these massive things and he has like 3 screens.
Also he thinks our children will break it. He bought his laptop here a couple of years ago and it caused nothing but drama.. he kept locking it in the bathroom and when it wouldn’t turn on at one point he went ballistic at the children blaming them for breaking it.. it was out of battery.

OP posts:
SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 13/01/2023 09:29

I agree with the other posters. On the days your husband's son is with him, he needs to facilitate his son's life and needs to spend some one on one time with him. Just because your husband has a new family now, he cannot make his eldest child an afterthought.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:49

We moved an hour away 10 years ago and his mum moved further 6 years ago.

We have always accommodated parties but they are few and far between nowadays. If it’s something on the Friday night say going to the park or to a friends house or into town we’ll always get him later on if he wants but more often than not it’s an online PC thing! So because he won’t bring it here it’s kind of impossible. I think the IRL things are mostly retrospective, his friends have turned up at his house to see if he wants to go to the park but he’s not there so called him and he’s said I’m at dads or we’re out then he’s moaned about it later on.

I get everyone saying about one on one time between them but I did mention he’s tried that and step son doesn’t want to do it, trust me, we’ve tried everything! When go on days out as a while family and always encourage SS to go off and do an activity with DH. He has a few times, but he has an aversion to most physical things so doesn’t generally want to.

I’m a stepchild and I’ve been a step parent for a long time, I get the whole dynamic of it, I don’t need telling how things ought to be. We are where we are, we have tried absolutely everything so I was just looking for some thoughts on where to go from here really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:53

I’ve also tried really hard to get him to bring a friend here but he won’t entertain that. I suggest taking a friend out with us for the day but that’s a no too. We tried reaching out to his friends mums a couple of years ago but they are too friendly with his mum to engage with us 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 13/01/2023 09:56

You were unreasonable to move an hr away. I'm not surprised the dm then decided to move because your dh didn't prioritise him then. My ds is 14 and me and his df live 10 mins walk. Ds has a strong relationship with his df because of the short distance. Its enabled him to go out and socialise with his friends and be able to go back to his df or mine whoever he's at. At that age that's what they enjoy doing.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 09:57

I agree he shouldn’t be being forced at that age.
why is the mum forcing him to come? Is it because she does something while he is away or she feels she needs respite from caring.

I wonder if altering the times he visits would help. Maybe just do one night, rather than a whole weekend, or alternatively maybe dad could travel up and visit him once a month and do some activities near his own home (donyou have family closer to where he lives they could stay with).

Starlitestarbright · 13/01/2023 09:57

They don't want a play date at there dads hour over 6 hours away op not at 15. They enjoy going out and socialising independent of their parents at that age.

Starlitestarbright · 13/01/2023 09:58

What type of man moves an hr away from his 5 year son? Then starts a family with his dw. I suspect he's not developed a close relationship because of this.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/01/2023 10:00

So you moved an hour away with no consideration for your Dss and started another family so to speak? Im not surprised he is unhappy.
He doesnt want to spend time with young kids at his age, he wants his mates like most 15 year olds.

I think the least his Dad could do is buy him a pc for your house so he can still play with his mates, I dont think less contact is the way forward at all, just because Dad has a new family does not mean he can just checkout of parenting his child.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:01

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 09:57

I agree he shouldn’t be being forced at that age.
why is the mum forcing him to come? Is it because she does something while he is away or she feels she needs respite from caring.

I wonder if altering the times he visits would help. Maybe just do one night, rather than a whole weekend, or alternatively maybe dad could travel up and visit him once a month and do some activities near his own home (donyou have family closer to where he lives they could stay with).

Thanks for this, I thought something like this could work! But his mum likes her weekends that she describes as ‘not my weekend to have him’.. and is always ‘away’.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/01/2023 10:02

Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:01

Thanks for this, I thought something like this could work! But his mum likes her weekends that she describes as ‘not my weekend to have him’.. and is always ‘away’.

Show quote history

His Mum has him all the time, why shouldnt she get a break, why shouldnt your dh step up and ensure his son is happy?

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:05

I think everyone’s getting a bit carried away and finger pointy. I don’t know why I bothered! Most of his things he feels he’s missing out on is on his PC. Anything else we accommodate other than random knocks on the door which we can’t. We are an hour away but not many miles.. just slow roads. God you think I said we’ve moved countries!!!

This is a gaming pc that cost my DH £5000 to buy for him to have at his mums house. we can’t buy another one to be used 2 nights every other week.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 10:06

Has anyone spoken to him about contact.

Would his dad and mum sit with him and ask what he wants. Obviously they could set some boundaries but maybe giving him some choice would help.

thing is, at his age, I’m assuming at some point he will just refuse to go and it’s not like he can be forced.

hourbyhour101 · 13/01/2023 10:07

Your getting a hard time here op.

He sounds like a normal teenager tbh. They always like a good moan. I actually think mum needs to loosen up a bit on the timescales. That's perfectly reasonable at his age.

If he's on the computer I doubt he needs much minding tbh.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 10:08

How much time does he spend gaming at home? Could he have an addiction? Wondering if the mood is being away from the gaming rather than about his dad?

huuskymam · 13/01/2023 10:10

He's a teenager,, at that age his social and online life are way more important than anything else, especially or boys. He's old enough to decide. Could your husband take him for a day out at the weekend instead of him staying over. They could do some stuff he enjoys.

Stomacharmeleon · 13/01/2023 10:21

Either get a second hand gaming PC and involve him in purchase. Explain you are trying to make his time more 'him' focused when he is with you.
Talk to mum about splitting the weekends and maybe doing a day here and there. Could he stay mid week and avoid the missing socialising at the weekend thing?
Honestly though a frank discussion needs to be had with mum... I have three boys and they used to see their dad like clockwork but as it got older than changed. They had friends, they didn't want to do certain things, one didn't like the children in his dads new relationship and refused to go away with him. And tbh I facilitated that. I 'heard' them. She is being selfish by not working with you for his sake.
And the whole 'she needs a break'.... she has one child at 15 who sounds like he has interests. Cry me a river. She will have to change or reduce her going 'away'

climbthathill129 · 13/01/2023 10:28

I completely agree that at this age and if it is his own decision, he shouldn't be made to go.

I think the time spent with dad needs to be rethought to something he will actually enjoy and not resent.

Maybe meals out or cinema or just a fun activity together.

He can then decide maybe to visit one weekend in a month etc so he gets the majority of his time with friends too.

Sounds harsh, but at 15 your parents aren't as important as your social life or friendships. If it's forced, it's going to get worse for all involved.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:28

hourbyhour101 · 13/01/2023 10:07

Your getting a hard time here op.

He sounds like a normal teenager tbh. They always like a good moan. I actually think mum needs to loosen up a bit on the timescales. That's perfectly reasonable at his age.

If he's on the computer I doubt he needs much minding tbh.

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:30

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 10:08

How much time does he spend gaming at home? Could he have an addiction? Wondering if the mood is being away from the gaming rather than about his dad?

Very likely. He’s on it A LOT. We’ve raised this with his mum but she didn’t take kindly to ‘being told how to parent her child in her home’.

OP posts: