Step son doesn’t want to visit

[Waterwater101]

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

I would agree with this bar if it was to go to court. The 15 yearold would say I just wanna be closer to my pals ect insert whatever reason, nothing against my dad ect - which I imagine would sound different if it was parental alienation.

Which to be clear I have no experience of either side so have no idea what it looks like. But I imagine it doesn't present like general teen feelings of I wanna do what I wanna do.

That said I think personally maybe mums got a new partner, or maybe a job she does on the sidelines which she may not want her DsS to meet/witness (for whatever reason).

Most 15 year olds don't take a lot of minding and often out with their friends so it may less be about DsS there and more there's something she's doing that she doesn't want him to see (which could be completely valid who knows)

That said as a mum I do find if I had a choice over teenager or toddler I would take the teenager from the less hands on view point.

He doesn’t sound completely neglected by his dad if he bought him a £5000 gaming set, plus maintenance. I don’t know many (any) teens who have that, unless very very well off.
OP also said they even suggested him bringing a friend over.
If his home life with mum isn’t great, maybe the PC is his escape mode (that, and being a teen in today’s times).

Gaming PCs do not have to cost that much.
Why doesn’t mum by him a cheaper functional system if she’s the one insisting ?
Or split the cost with dad, or split three ways with the kid, who (I’m just completely theorizing for this part, if a little spoilt / or simply not much notion of money) could do with realizing a little how much these things are a complete luxury. Maybe suggest small jobs he could enjoy.

Just put a lock on the door if he’s worried about the younger kids.

I do agree bringing the system at his mum’s is unrealistic.

But it sounds like you’ve tried so many options…

There does seem to be something deeper going on than gaming if he’s throwing a toddler across the room !!!!! From a 15 yo !!!!!
I’d be much more worried about that tbh (and if the mum isn’t : how can you not ??). Not meant to be judgmental at all, it really sounds like you’re trying.

I’m very sorry to theorise again, but is there a possibility there’s weed & co if mum’s barely there. The withdrawal could explain the again.

It can’t be going to the park with his mates that causes him to be violent towards such fragile kids, he’s surely aware of the risks, and it sounds more like they annoy the hell out of him rather than wanting to deliberately cause them pain/injury (well, should be hitting no one obviously, but if it was with his dad it would be different if you see what I mean)

Although I don’t know much about gaming addiction, if that can have same ‘withdrawal’ actions. Sulking is one thing, he isn’t just sulking though…

Explain the angry / impulsive attitude sorry

This.

A couple of the earlier replies have been laughable in blaming the mum who is the one actually doing all the parenting.

Absolutely batshit.

I don't understand why you have said "I kid you not" about sharing the holidays so she could go away.

The mum has been doing all the parenting 24/7 except EOW. Why on earth shouldn't she go on holiday during the school holidays when your DH is actually doing his fair share?

Bizarre

I don't understand why you have said "I kid you not" about sharing the holidays so she could go away.

it’s not difficult….men are allowed to move on with a new partner. They can expect to have plenty of free time to wine and dine their new partner because their ex manages childcare 12 out of 14 nights.

Women on the other hand are not allowed to move on. They shouldn’t expect their ex to pick up their fair share of childcare because that is plain unreasonable. He has a new family now and absolutely nothing should interfere with that. Any woman who expects the freedom of a holiday once in a while needs to accept she will be judged, particularly by her ex’s new partner, as a ‘Bad Mother’ because she dare put herself first once in a while.

You know what's really bizarre. People are inferring that comments have condemned the mother for going on holiday (which isn't actually what the op is about).
Idk about others but it is strange for your child to spend every single school break with just one parent (assuming they aren't homeschooled) because I as mum want quality time with my children and they might also want to see their friends 😵‍💫

However no one's condemning her for that, people are saying her child has reached a age in which more flexibility is required for him to be happy 15 year old. And keeping a Uber strict routine when he's asking for flexibility isn't for his sake. It's for mums.

Let's not try and put this under doing the right thing for the children. Because it's not.

It is important that he has some sort of meaningful relationship with his Dad and half siblings. Difficult to see how that will happen if he further reduces his contact time, he’s not spending much time with them at the moment and once a month is pretty pathetic. Teens ‘want’ all sorts of things but don’t always have the maturity to think things through and make the right decisions. I’m pretty sure that most teens aren’t allowed to do exactly what they want all the time. Hardly seeing your family because of your gaming obsession doesn’t seem to be a particularly positive thing to me

How many teenagers do you know that really want to sit and spend the whole weekend with either parent ?

They shouldn't be forced to because the parents aren't together.

As children get older, relationships with parents change. He will have his own life and will see BOTH parents less and less. That's completely normal.

How many teenagers do you know that really want to sit and spend the whole weekend with either parent ?

They shouldn't be forced to because the parents aren't together

As children get older, relationships with parents change. He will have his own life and will see BOTH parents less and less. That's completely normal.

@climbthathill129 i completely agree with your comments. However separated families seem to create some very unnatural situations. In the OP’s situation, if her DP starts to see less of his son (even though this is what the son wants) he’ll be accused of poor parenting and/or making his ex do all the work.

My son is 14 and hes able to stay home the whole day alone, I just make sure he has food, so its really a poor excuse that his poor mommy needs a weekend for herself, so she forces him to be miserable elsewhere. Sorry, good mothers dont do that!

I find it extremely weird that the mother forces him to come. At this age, hes probably just sitting on his PC and doesnt bother her. And shes not even allowing him home on Friday night after school just to get rid of him? Does your SS has an explanation for this? Why cant he discuss with his mother?
While its understandable to that he wants to be on his PC (he sounds like he might be addicted too if he stays day and night, my son is into games too, but he takes breaks and does other things), however his violent behaviour towards your kids is not normal. He has to be thought that if his mother forces him to come, he shouldnt be taking it on you. When hes going to do this to other people, there will be consequences. Thats what I always explain to my almost 15 year old. You are not his scape goats.
When my SS stopped coming at about that age, my DH would go visit them (we live about 35 min away, but with traffic, it takes more time). The disadvantage of that is that they found it very convenient and stopped coming almost completely, but looking back, for me and my children, it`s not a big deal, not everybody is meant to become a blended family. For your children, it would probably be much better than having a sibling whos not even nice to them.

Oh absolutely agree.

It with be his fault, even if it's clear this is what the son would prefer and not what DH would prefer.

My son is 14 and hes able to stay home the whole day alone, I just make sure he has food, so its really a poor excuse that his poor mommy needs a weekend for herself, so she forces him to be miserable elsewhere. Sorry, good mothers dont do that!

Ypu can’t Imagine a scenario where you might just want the house to yourself. Spend time with a new partner without the fear of traumatising your child?! It really doesn’t help to make nasty, sarcastic ‘poor mommy’ comments when you really haven’t seen walked in someone elses’s shoes. The Op has a strong relationship precisely because her partner’s ex took almost full responsibility for their children, allowing him space and time to nurture new relationships. If it’s being a ‘bad mother’ to want some of that yourself, what does this make dad?

At this age the choice should really be his, 15 is getting a bit old to stick to rigid set days for visits. Teenagers have their own lives and don't necessarily see much point in 'family time' (MN is a bit obsessed by it)

@Changechangechanging
What do you think everyone else does if they are still together with their partner/ father of their children ? What a strange reason to refuse your child access to one of his homes.

What do you think everyone else does if they are still together with their partner/ father of their children ? What a strange reason to refuse your child access to one of his homes

still together relationships are not the same thing. No one has suggested refusing a child access to their home. It is simply about parity - the ex got the opportunity to develop his relationship child free. It should be the same for the other half of the parenting team, at least once in a while. What keeps happening here is the mother’s needs - whatever they maybe (and we don’t actually know) are also important and she should be able to do whatever it is she wants sometimes. She shouldn’t be on the receiving end of ‘bad mother’ comments (or thereabouts) because she wants some time for herself.

No and I would agree with you if op was the mother.

However op is the step mum and had some fairly unkind comments at her on this thread.

The mum in question isn't here to read the "bad mother" comments but op sure is able to read the nasty comments on here thread.

I'm all for let's be nice on the internet, but that doesn't only apply to mums ...

As you said parity for all right ?

@Changechangechanging I was a single mom and my 14 year old is abandonned by his father, so I do know very well what Im talking about. I am now in a relationship, have a young son whos attached to me to the point of always wanting to come and sleep with me. Not only I dont have time to myself ever, I cant even sleep in peace. I understand the need to be alone, but if my child is miserable, Ill first think about him.

I completely understand the comments about parity - Dad gets DSS-free time, so Mum should be entitled to this too. However, this is totally at odds with DSS being able to spend less time at his Dad’s (therefore more time at Mum’s) so he can see his mates and do teenager stuff. It is surely impossible to combine ‘parity’ with ‘teenager spending most weekends at home’?

so which is the more compelling argument: Mum’s right to DSS-free time, or the teenager’s right to stay home more? Answers on a postcard.

@Coffeepot72 it's ironic because everyone is always screaming blended families don't work for the children, won't anyone do what's best for the children as a way to silence step parents.

Yet when something will inconvenience mum or upset her in anyway way. The think of the children thought process is underwritten by the needs of mum.

I'm a mum and I find it baffling tbh

Yet when something will inconvenience mum or upset her in anyway way. The think of the children thought process is underwritten by the needs of mum. I'm a mum and I find it baffling tbh

you find it baffling that when you parent 24/7 on your own for 12 out of 14 nights you might just feel the need to do something for you the 2/14?

I find it baffling that these boards are full of people claiming their quality of life and relationships are paramountp, must come first above any wants/desires/needs of step children yet the same step children must absolutely spend all of their time with their mum as that is ‘in their best interests’. It’s absolutely OK for a teen to want to stay where they are most comfortable and nearest to their friends. But it doesn’t need to be every single weekend. If the teen’s needs are I,portent, so are mum’s (and dad’s as well). Compromise is required, surely?

It is surely impossible to combine ‘parity’ with ‘teenager spending most weekends at home’?so which is the more compelling argument: Mum’s right to DSS-free time, or the teenager’s right to stay home more? Answers on a postcard

are you for real? You’re not even in the ball-park of parity when you’re looking at a 12/14 day split! A parent doing 12 days is doing way more than their fair share. Convenient that with a new young family, dad gets to slap teen on the back and say ‘it’s ok, spend time with your friends, you don’t need to be a part of this family’.

I understand the need to be alone, but if my child is miserable, Ill first think about him

and the other parent? What are they doing for their miserable child? Why is that falling to you? The ‘bad mum’ inference because some people want a free night every now and again is ridiculous,

@Changechangechanging so you totally illustrate my point that its practically impossible to keep everyone happy in this scenario.

Just out of interest, what would you solution be?