Step son doesn’t want to visit

[Waterwater101]

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

I would honestly get him a second hand gaming set up

What a difficult situation, I think that actually it is ok for mum to want a bit of a break as if the family were together then you'd hope both parents get some time for themselves. We don't know about other pressures on the mum.and why she can't/won't fall in with what her child and father want. She should be able to expect to share the parenting and daily grind. There should be some flexibility with child's wishes at the heart. I don't think we know enough about all of the dynamics to really suggest anything but I d agree a gaming computer at yours sounds a good idea and dad being willing to hang around in his usual neighbourhood while he sees friends etc would help. This is a tricky age for any teen, parents often have to hang around while the child gets on with their life..

Surely if the boy doesn't want to visit you, he shouldn't be made to. It's not just the mum's decision, just because she wants a quiet weekend. Talk to his dad about it and say you have to put your foot down. You can't have him come to visit unless he specifically says he wants to!

Sounds like you’ve found a way of making this tricky stage work and that’s great!

I think the pc thing is the two days, it’s not really worth the hassle by the sounds of it… I think he’s being a bit dramatic about the switch off and on but I do kinda see where he’s coming from. Also the anxiety for me that one of my children might touch it 🤦‍♀️ 4yo touched his phone last weekend and he physically lashed out at him for it.

Your DSS sounds similar to mine but mine is all online so at his mums he has free rein to be in his pjs on his game all day and night. Again, no brainier.

Could you not just get some monitors, gaming keyboard and mouse, power cables etc at yours and then all he would need to move is the tower which isn't that big a deal. I can see how moving monitors and all that would be tough. My DSs spend EONS getting them just right and absolutely would not want to move them between places?

That doesn't solve the problem of the worry of the younger children touching it though, but my DB has his in a cupboard which can be locked to stop his daughter messing with it which is possibly an option?

I really think you’ve been given a hard time
a one hour move is nothing and could accommodate his social life

peopld are overlooking that his mother then moved further away and it’s his mother forcing her child to go when he clearly doesn’t want to! but of course on here it can never be mums fault, it must be dads

I don’t know what it is she needs a break from. I have a lad just turned 16 and seriously I hardly see him anyway - he’s out with mates or in his room on computer and if I want to go out with friends on a Saturday I certainly don’t need a babysitter in order to do so!

ultimately your DH needs to explain to his ex all this, and negotiate a compromise and get her to see how damaging it is all round - and her son the most. she sounds utterly selfish and self centred

Yes that’s prioritising their son. Move even further away. 🙄

@millymollymoomoo everything you said. Can’t believe the nonsense I’m reading. without additional needs, i can’t think what kind of break she needs from her DS.

I'm baffled by the amount of people suggesting buying another gaming pc! Dad bought the current one so maybe it should stay at ops house and mum can buy another one. I'm sure op's household doesn't run on good intentions and smiles, we all have increasing costs but it appears on this board it is assumed that non resident parents have an endless supply of spare money to buy things for each house, pay to spend time in air bnbs regularly and fund expensive fortnightly events to make sure every day is magical for the sc. Money isn't free. The issue here is the poor child is being ignored, he shouldn't be forced to go anywhere other than school. Yes you can make things magic and lovely but he may still want to stay with mum and surely he has that right?

Another blended family here and we were 2 hours away due to a work move but we survived it and are out the other side and ours are old enough to have been through uni and in work.

It's the most difficult age for this. ours had the added in sports fixtures but fortunately we and dad/mum in other families were more flexible than this lad's mum is being to make it work for the DC. When they got6th to 6th form they didn't come eow anymore but for longer periods in the holidays.

Nothing to add but support for you especially in the face of some of the criticism re moving "an hour " away. In an increasingly globalised world its nothing. Indeed oldest son lives and works abroad now!

My son is a professional gamer, and one of his gaming pcs was around £1500.
I think I would invest in that so that he can stay in touch with friends. There are still 0% credit cards around, could that be an option for your DH to buy it?
does your DSS have his own room where he can keep his things safe at yours?

I wonder if DH can change up the dynamic a bit by booking a hotel/airbnb one weekend in DSS's home town? That way DSS can come and go as he wants the same as on mum's weekend. Perhaps a very low key offer to buy pizza / macdonalds for all the kids for dinner if they want? Then maybe he and DSS do one thing together - which DSS might be more amenable to if its a one off.

Or another option for changing the dynamic might be for DH and DSS to go somewhere on their own for a weekend. Gaming convention? Something DSS would really really want. Again, doing it once might just break the current dynanic a bit and allow for some change....

Tbh OP his attitude sounds like my game addicted DS. Boundaries resulted in sulking and angry outbursts. so try not to take it too personally. No idea how it would work only open communication will help.

I think it is a really tricky age. The problem is I don't think neither you nor his DM is being unreasonable - perhaps every second weekend is the only time she has to be with a potential partner.

Ideally your DH, teen and mum need to sit down and work out a plan that suits everyone. That may mean a change in the frequency etc but I do feel it is very unfair on the residential parent to be 24/7. Given he is not old enough to be left on his own then a solution needs to be found - the good news is it will only need to be short term given his age.

Patience unfortunately is needed to navigate this windy path - I hope a solution can be agreed soon.

I would tell he contacts changed to fortnightly or once a month. He's happier so are you. You're not doing it to be nasty.

I disagree with the comments I’ve read. You’ve done your best, he’s a 15 year old pain in the arse who wants to be surgically attached to a computer. Really, he shouldn’t have to come for a whole weekend at his age but his mum is forcing him. I don’t know if you’ve already said if you’ve sat with him and asked him what you can all do to make the next couple of years of this arrangement work better while making it clear he can’t have it all his own way?

It's not ideal. My DH misses seeing him regularly and it's hard to stand back and watch him make stupid mistakes while his mother does zero parenting. It seems a lot of 15 yo are the same. They want everything their own way, won't compromise or listen to possible solutions, can't take criticism and have zero interest in anyone but themselves and their mates.

Thankfully they're not teenagers for long so we just need to hope that they learn from their mistakes and grow from them.

People suggesting you buy another PC are ridiculous, especially when your OH has already paid for the one at mums. And his attitude and behaviour does not deserve another PC.

I don't think his mum should be forcing him to come but if there's no other solution he's just going to have to stuck it up realise in life you don't always get what you want. If he kicks off then his dad needs to put boundaries in place and suitable punishment for that behaviour. At the same time your younger children need to be told not to touch his stuff. I know that's easier said than done but that's the joy of having kids.

Does he have his own room at yours?

It's cheaper to build a pc than buy one pre-made. Maybe building a pc could be something him and his dad do together. Loads of tutorials online 😊

What's your oh's relationship with his ex wife like? Would she be amenable to every other contact weekend your oh staying at hers do DSS can stay home if she's away anyway, and then the next he comes to you and so on?

Also a blended family, also concerned about gaming addictions, and feeling of rejection compounded by his mum not listening and always being “away” on his dads birthday weekend

is he an angry lad in general? I know four year olds can be terrors, but crikey, lashing out physically at younger siblings and sulking like a toddler himself

huge empathy, it’s tricky when the other parent won’t engage when trying to reach the best path for the child

ignore that stray birthday.. not sure why that appeared!

It is difficult because at that age, they're all about the friendships. DS16 is an only and he would be really upset missing out on opportunities to hang out with his pals and then not being able to game with them as well ( although that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a gaming computer).

How long before he's 16, because then he could presumably be left for the occasional night home alone so his DM still gets a break, but he isn't somewhere he doesn't want to be.

What's he like on holidays ?

My dd who is 17 gets on great with her dad but her contact with him has gradually reduced over the last 2 years. This is at her instigation & has to do with friends/social life but also the fact that she got sick of lugging her stuff (going out clothes/homework etc.) to her dads for full weekends. She also found studying over there really hard with two primary aged siblings as she's used to a quiet house with me. I no longer ever get a weekend to myself but hey, I just suck that up. Her dad has also had to suck up that he sees her less but they now meet up for more grown up stuff.
I think the mum here is being quite unreasonable but I'll caveat that by saying your dss sounds like hard work & it does sound like there's an addiction (to gaming issue) going on so maybe this situation needs more positive interaction between the adults in order to fully address what's going on with dss.

Can you get him a PC or whatever it is for your house? That seems the obvious solution if most of his social life is online based. My DSS's have the same games console at ours as they do at their mums so they don't miss out on that stuff when with us.

@TheLastDreamOfTheOak op has already said it's a special pc system that is very expensive & which dh funded for the dms house. I doubt another could be realistically afforded.