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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son doesn’t want to visit

231 replies

Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:16

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

OP posts:
climbthathill129 · 13/01/2023 10:31

Starlitestarbright · 13/01/2023 09:58

What type of man moves an hr away from his 5 year son? Then starts a family with his dw. I suspect he's not developed a close relationship because of this.

An hour isn't that far. Why be so dramatic 🤣 it makes no difference what the distance is, if he can only have his son EOW.

We moved 45 mins away from my step son because his mum lives in a right shit hole. I'm not bringing up my family round the corner because that's where she wants to live. Just being honest. We do all picking & drop off so it has absolutely no effect on anyone.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:36

Stomacharmeleon · 13/01/2023 10:21

Either get a second hand gaming PC and involve him in purchase. Explain you are trying to make his time more 'him' focused when he is with you.
Talk to mum about splitting the weekends and maybe doing a day here and there. Could he stay mid week and avoid the missing socialising at the weekend thing?
Honestly though a frank discussion needs to be had with mum... I have three boys and they used to see their dad like clockwork but as it got older than changed. They had friends, they didn't want to do certain things, one didn't like the children in his dads new relationship and refused to go away with him. And tbh I facilitated that. I 'heard' them. She is being selfish by not working with you for his sake.
And the whole 'she needs a break'.... she has one child at 15 who sounds like he has interests. Cry me a river. She will have to change or reduce her going 'away'

Thank you for finding this post and sharing your experience. It’s great to hear from someone who has been there on the other side and understands.

My mum heard me too at around 14 when I said I didn’t want to go as much. She never forced me to go anywhere or had anything better to do than be home with me if that’s what I wanted.

We used to do a day in the week but it doesn’t facilitate his mums ‘away’ time anymore.

I’m going to speak to my DH about the possibility of a second hand pc this evening, thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:37

climbthathill129 · 13/01/2023 10:31

An hour isn't that far. Why be so dramatic 🤣 it makes no difference what the distance is, if he can only have his son EOW.

We moved 45 mins away from my step son because his mum lives in a right shit hole. I'm not bringing up my family round the corner because that's where she wants to live. Just being honest. We do all picking & drop off so it has absolutely no effect on anyone.

Show quote history

Couldn’t have said it better myself 😂

OP posts:
Hadtochangeforthisone · 13/01/2023 10:38

You are getting a really hard time OP when none of this is your fault.

The entire point of 'child arrangements' are meant to be entirely centred on 'the child's best interests' .

In this case it appears to be entirely centred on what suits the mother.

Before everyone starts screeching that 'she is entitled to some time off' .. NO SHE ISN'T ! Like all parents neither are 'entitled' to time off. They get this when it fits with the child.

We are also a step family. My DH has 4 and I have 3. By teenage years their visits became very infrequent. (Also an hour away). Teens value friends above all else at that age.

Put it like this. If the parents hadn't separated (not something the child chose) would he be staying home EOW just to spend time with Dad ? The simple answer is. NO. Then why expect it now.

Your DH needs to speak to his ex and say that he will be moving to a more ad-hoc routine. When DS WANTS to stay it will be much more enjoyable for all round.

The difference for us is that now ours are all in 20s .. we see them often. Not forcing the relationship in the teen years definitely paid dividends.

It does of course require the mother to be flexible and child focussed though.. I am thankful for DHs ex being pragmatic and flexible. Without this attitude it would have been a very different outcome.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:40

climbthathill129 · 13/01/2023 10:28

I completely agree that at this age and if it is his own decision, he shouldn't be made to go.

I think the time spent with dad needs to be rethought to something he will actually enjoy and not resent.

Maybe meals out or cinema or just a fun activity together.

He can then decide maybe to visit one weekend in a month etc so he gets the majority of his time with friends too.

Sounds harsh, but at 15 your parents aren't as important as your social life or friendships. If it's forced, it's going to get worse for all involved.

Thanks for the really helpful reply.

I was starting to think it was just me thinking that feeling forced to come and not enjoying it could actually make things much worse. I just don’t know how to communicate this to someone who will not listen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:47

Hadtochangeforthisone · 13/01/2023 10:38

You are getting a really hard time OP when none of this is your fault.

The entire point of 'child arrangements' are meant to be entirely centred on 'the child's best interests' .

In this case it appears to be entirely centred on what suits the mother.

Before everyone starts screeching that 'she is entitled to some time off' .. NO SHE ISN'T ! Like all parents neither are 'entitled' to time off. They get this when it fits with the child.

We are also a step family. My DH has 4 and I have 3. By teenage years their visits became very infrequent. (Also an hour away). Teens value friends above all else at that age.

Put it like this. If the parents hadn't separated (not something the child chose) would he be staying home EOW just to spend time with Dad ? The simple answer is. NO. Then why expect it now.

Your DH needs to speak to his ex and say that he will be moving to a more ad-hoc routine. When DS WANTS to stay it will be much more enjoyable for all round.

The difference for us is that now ours are all in 20s .. we see them often. Not forcing the relationship in the teen years definitely paid dividends.

It does of course require the mother to be flexible and child focussed though.. I am thankful for DHs ex being pragmatic and flexible. Without this attitude it would have been a very different outcome.

Thank you so much for your reply and advice from experience 🙌

The phrase ‘she is entitled to a break’ is thrown around a lot on here. I think I’m also entitled to a break but I very rarely get one. As others have said 15 year olds don’t need much taking care of especially when glued to a pc screen. I can only dream of ‘going away’ every other weekend 🙄

I think if it’s handled correctly now, giving him choices will amount to a healthier adult relationship. As you have found yourself.

Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 13/01/2023 10:50

Ah it’s tricky at 15! I think (if budget allows) you need to buy him a pc and headphones so he can game with his friends when at yours. My DH is a gamer but has a second hand computer with an extra screen which cost nothing like £5k. Decide a budget with your DH and then get your DSS to help finding something suitable.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 10:51

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/01/2023 10:06

Has anyone spoken to him about contact.

Would his dad and mum sit with him and ask what he wants. Obviously they could set some boundaries but maybe giving him some choice would help.

thing is, at his age, I’m assuming at some point he will just refuse to go and it’s not like he can be forced.

We’ve spoken with him about what he would like to do. For the last 12 months he’s told us he would like sometimes not to come, and sometimes just for a night and sometimes the normal 2 nights. More ad hoc I suppose. We’ve relayed this to her and told him to speak to her himself but she will not listen.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 13/01/2023 10:56

When is he 16? She really isn't taking on board that he's as old as he is and needs to be given more choice in his own movements. I think you need to side strongly with him, so that he understands fully that you and his dad are not the ones obstructing his choices. He needs to be supported in what is essentially a battle with his mother to allow him to grow up and assert his independence.
You sound like a great and empathic step-mum. It's mum who's the problem here.

NewNameNigel · 13/01/2023 11:14

Put it like this. If the parents hadn't separated (not something the child chose) would he be staying home EOW just to spend time with Dad ? The simple answer is. NO. Then why expect it now.

I agree with this.
However, I think that DSS is old enough to understand that he either brings his PC or misses out on online games. He is choosing not to use that option.

DSCs are teens and contact has changed to be more ad hoc but DP and his ex made a conscious decision to live within walking distance of each other until the children where older precisely for this reason. I will never understand why parents decide to live far apart from each other and shocked when teenagers don't want to spend EOW away from their mates. And what about weekend clubs, has DSS also been unable to attend any of these?
To be clear OP, this is not in you it is on his parents.

BadNomad · 13/01/2023 11:25

Is he sensible enough to stay at home by himself while his mum is away having her fun?

Foxywood · 13/01/2023 11:30

Presumably DH does the pick up - why doesn't son refuse to get in car. Who orders him in the car?

cocktailclub · 13/01/2023 11:36

It sounds as if his mum is the barrier. Can your DH not discuss with her? Or try picking step son up on a Saturday evening rather than Friday as a compromise?
I don't think many 15 year olds spend time with their dad like that anyway as others have pointed out so his dm being inflexible is creating a false situation. Yes it would be ideal if you lived closer but you don't so his dm needs to prioritise his needs as her child. In another year he can stay home alone anyway.

GoodnightJude1 · 13/01/2023 11:41

I feel for you OP. I have a 14 year old DSS and what you’re saying is almost identical to our situation. We only live 15 mins from his DM house but it just not the same for them at that age. They like the freedom to be able to pop to their mates or go out when a mate knocks for them.
I think if possible his DM needs to try and relax the weekends a bit so maybe he’s just with u one night? She’ll get a night and day to do what she wants and then your DSS gets a night at home to play on the PC or see his mates.
It’s tough, trying to keep everyone happy all the time is exhausting.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 11:43

BadNomad · 13/01/2023 11:25

Is he sensible enough to stay at home by himself while his mum is away having her fun?

She does leave him at home a lot on the weekends he’s home. I hope not overnight because he’s definitely not old enough for that x

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 13/01/2023 11:44

Awww I feel for you OP
Could Friday night until Sunday morning work? Then he has Sunday at home Or
Bring his computer
Or bring a friend for a sleepover and stay for one night
Could you all do a night away once every 6 weeks somewhere
Would every Friday night instead of two nights EOW SO he has all weekend then with his mates

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 13/01/2023 11:44

Is there not a trusted friend he could stay with instead? Like someone his mum knows, so if he doesn't want to come, Jim's mum doesn't mind him staying there cos she's friends with DSS mum.
No reason why he can't be sent with some cash to cover his food
Then he's happy and his mum still gets her time off (!)

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 11:46

Foxywood · 13/01/2023 11:30

Presumably DH does the pick up - why doesn't son refuse to get in car. Who orders him in the car?

Yes he does, we’ve had 2 occasions when he’s nearly not got in the car and once when he kept his phone switched off after school and went awol to avoid coming but he knows he’s got no where else to go so he just gets in the car in a huff ☹️

OP posts:
MintJulia · 13/01/2023 11:54

OP, I think you need to consider the whole family here.

Your DSS isn't happy and wants to be at home with his friends. His mum needs a break, which is not unreasonable. You don't want a sullen angry teen in your house, and want him to be happy, which is also reasonable.

So sometimes, why doesn't your dh take an Airbnb in your dss's area. You take your smaller dcs to whatever local attractions exist, and enable dss to spend time with his mates. Or you organise for him to stay with one of his mates for the weekend. Talk to his mates' parents.

Or get your DH to arrange a social outing with his son AND his mates - something sporty maybe.

Your DH is responsible for his son on those weekends to give his ex a rest. Nowhere does it say the location that the weekend must be sent. It wouldn't take much imagination to sort this out. Just a bit of effort !

ZeppelinTits · 13/01/2023 11:59

Sounds like he knows his own mum doesn't really want him there and is desperate for some time away which probably compounds his feelings about being forced to spend time somewhere he doesn't want to go. Really he's probably fed up with his mum for not putting his needs ahead of her own desire for a weekend to herself twice a month.

I agree it sounds like he might have a gaming addiction, then again teens can be like this. My own DS is 14.5 and very similar. I think the gaming PC is a good compromise if he is amenable to the idea, I'd broach it to him and make him part of the process or it might end up not being suitable for his needs. I'd also be really upfront with him so he knows you aren't colluding with his mum. It's hard to do this without bad mouthing her but if you can speak tactfully yet honestly, he'll probably appreciate your being upfront with him in acknowledging openly that he doesn't want to be there and you understand and sympathise with why.

I also think the onus is on his Dad to step up and spend one-on-one time with him on those weekends. Virtual reality gaming afternoon, laser tag, cinema, gaming expo, trip to a big city to buy some cool things for him, theme park in summer months. Just have fun together and safeguard their relationship. Making him
Fit into your existing family routines probably just compounds his feeling of being a spare part and not really wanted by anyone. If his Dad can demonstrate how much he is prioritising time with him, then at least he'll have the feeling that one parent really cares and is making and effort.

MelchiorsMistress · 13/01/2023 12:05

How does your DH propose he does at least some of his share of childcare if your dad doesn’t visit?

I agree he shouldn’t be made to come, but this wouldn’t be such an issue if his father had t moved so far away. If you were close it would be much easier for him to keep his social life when he’s with his dad.

A gaming PC doesn’t have to cost £5000. I would get him one that he can use when he’s at his dads home. Like you say, the current situation is making him unhappy and damaging his relationship with his dad, so getting him a screen he can use at yours is the least that can be done.

StrawberryWillow · 13/01/2023 12:05

I agree with others about his mum and dad sitting down with him and asking what he wants to do. At that age the last thing you want to do is hang out with your parents, you just want to be with your friends. I stopped the routine with my dad when I was 16, my sister was about 15, but we had mobile phones at that point and so just contacted our dad and planned to see him as and when we wanted, and that worked fine. I think being forced to come EOW will lead to him resenting his dad, just allowing him to plan with his dad himself when he wants to spend time with him is the best way, if that is what he wants. And yes, an hour away is definitely not far at all 🙈

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/01/2023 12:06

At 15, it should be his decision about how much time he spends with his dad.

"Contact" is the child's right, not the parental right. If he doesn't want to come, then he shouldn't be made to.

This is a really difficult situation for you all if the mum won't engage. Yes, it's nice to have a break from parenting, but she is putting her arrangements first rather than her son's wishes. And let's face it, teenagers can be a f*ing nightmare.

I think all you can do is talk to him about what he wants and what he thinks a good solution would be. So at least he feels listened to and that you get where he's coming from and understand that he would rather stay home sometimes. Let him know that you are aware that he's growing up now and of course you understand his point of view.

Ultimately this is something your DH is going to have to sort out with his ex. It's what co-parenting is about.

Stay out of it if you can. And best of luck.

Original poster
Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 12:19

Thanks all, for all of the suggestions and those that can sympathise x

OP posts:
Laurdo · 13/01/2023 12:21

My DSS is 15 and stopped staying at ours regularly several months ago. The arrangement is one week on one week off but DSS claimed he preferred it at his mum's after my DH caught him smoking and lectured him about it. DH told him he wouldn't force him to be here if he didn't want to be. Since then he's only stayed a few days the week before xmas. He's allowed to smoke and drink at his mum's and she goes out a lot so he pretty much has free reign to do what he wants whereas there are rules and boundaries at our house. No brainer for a teenager.

He games too and used bring his pc with him. He was here for a week at a time though so maybe your DSS finds moving the PC a bit of a faff for only 2 days.

If he's just gaming all day or out with friends couldn't his mum just leave him a key and still go about her business? At 15 he doesn't really need constant supervision by a parent.

My DSS still keeps in touch with his dad (usually when he wants something), and now when they spend time together it's enjoyable because it's not forced.