Step son doesn’t want to visit

[Waterwater101]

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

My two stepchildren decided when they were around that age (14-15) that they no longer wanted to visit as often, and they stopped staying the night too.

They had their own social lives, and while their mum kept saying she needed 'her break', ultimately the stepchildren's happiness was more important and luckily she accepted that.

It was tricky leading up to that though, we had many tears and tantrums.

This with bells on.

The comments that say get him a second pc for dad make me chuckle considering he paid for the PC at mums.
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The parents chose to split up (and create this whole situation) and both chose to move away. They are the ones that should be listening to their child to help balance the books.

Why is it always DC get a raw end of a deal but if it impacts mum in any slight way that gets ignored.

I really feel for your 15 year old step son. He probably just wants to be at home where his friends can call round and where he plays his PC. His mum is being very selfish making him go. He's 15 not 5. Contact is for the benefit on the child, not the parent.
No parent is entitled to a break. Your not a part time parent. Parenting is 24/7 - you don't pick and chose.
I've got an 8 year old who mainly stays with his dad once a week and he has often said he doesn't want to go and neither his dad or I force him too. He will only resent us if he is made to do something. I've also got 2 step children who come round. One loves coming, the other not so much. He's said a few times he doesn't want to come but has always come and is never made too. He is 9. By the time he is in his teens he won't stay overnight, we know it already. His dad is fine as long as he's happy and he still sees him. Children are human beings. They need to be happy as well.

It's hard because i have 3 SC and in younger years if their mum had contacted us saying they much prefer it at ours and are mardy at hers so we should them more weekends I would of been like hell no sort yourselves out so they are happier at yours not dump the problem on us more.
However I can't imagine not wanting my own bio child...

I think the fact is when parents spilt both get used to time away from the kids and wether it's admitted or not they enjoy the free time is it wrong is it right who's knows but it happens so I can't blame their mum pushing back on contact EOW maybe DH needs the tough love approach and the kid stops this childish behaviour or his weekends can be a lot more rubbish!! He has no right to lash out at the younger ones or sit sulking on the stairs. Make sure he had a room and space with tech he needs within reason and the rest is up to him and DH

@fastandthecurious1 to be fair if any step child said I don't wanna live with mum anymore and was 15, I would expect there to be a discussion on them moving here and probably moving in.

Because if it was taken to court that's exactly what the court would do. Ask the child at that age

It's less about the parents getting used to a situation and more doing what fits that child's needs in the moment.

As a mum I can't see myself personally saying no kid I have had enough of you, off you go.

Because he's clearly not happy. Surely there does come a point with teens when, if it's not working, you need to look at whether having a rigid schedule is what's best for them?

At 15, he is old enough to stay home if his mum wants to go out. He shouldn't be forced to be somewhere he doesn't want to be EOW. What about when he's 16, 17, 18? Is he still going to be sent off when he doesn't want to? I don't think rigid schedules work for teens unless they want them. They want to be more in control of their own lives at this age and fair enough!

I'd suggest your DH going to him and taking him out on a Saturday or Friday day/evening on the weekends he doesn't want to come and stay. Maybe for tea or something. Then he goes back to mum's.

But obviously if mum won't agree to that I don't know what to suggest.

I do think she's being unreasonable though. Her child is growing up and wanting more say over what he does with his time. That's normal.

Children are human beings

Exactly. It seems to some they are just a possession to be passed between the parents so the other gets a break.

Teens especially will be longing for more control over their life / time. I think most parents should be expecting some change to contact when you start reaching these years. It won't happen in every case obviously and if the child is still happy maintaining a set schedule of contact then great, but I think everyone should expect that there will come a certain point where you may need to change things up for a teen who's less and less interested in spending time with their parents and becoming more independent.

I always wonder how people think you explain to your other children that DSC get all these special trips to laser tag/gaming expo/shopping in big cities etc.

Is he sensible enough to stay at home by himself while his mum is away having her fun?

why try and make it sound so sordid? Why do you consider it unreasonable that for 2 nights out of 14, the ex gets to kick back, go out with friends or a new partner without having to worry about what time she gets home, what state she’s in or even who she’s with? Why is it unreasonable that she gets the opportunity to be care free for a few hours, have noisey sex and just enjoy doing something for her? I mean the bottom line here is that she has facilitated her ex’s new relationship by having their joint responsibility for 12 nights out of 14. Why is she the selfish one, why is she expected to sacrifice any kind of a life, without other women whispering and pointing with mutterings of selfish, nasty ‘bad mum’?

It is laughable that we judge mum in this situation, blame a teenager for being a teenager with smatterings of ‘he doesn’t deserve’ and anger at him just wanting his phone/laptop to be private and not understanding how to manage younger children he spends barely any time with. No efforts made, seemingly, to develop ‘family’, to do things that a teenager might enjoy, excuses as to why he can’t get online to chat to friends (my eldest built his own PC at 15 for next to nothing). Much reference made to ‘visits’, rather than attempts to be inclusive. Anything at all than look self-critically at the situation. Just put your foot down and tell mum she can put up with him and manage her own 2 days a fortnight around him. :Job done.

We are in much the same situation here, nearly 17 and being forced to come eow. The difference is my sd has no friends at all so isn't wanting to stay home for them she just wants to be at her main home, she is being very challenging behaviour wise at the moment so her mum makes her come again to get a break. I totally understand that! When my ex stopped seeing my children I was upset that I wouldn't get time off so it's about finding a balance for the young person and meeting the needs of the parents. Just because he's 15 doesn't mean she doesn't have to be responsible when he is there and he has two parents.

I don't know the answer really but can you sit him down explain it and ask what he wants, he has to spend some time at your house so what would he like that also means mum gets her time? Something that neither my husband nor sd mum will do here so we are stuck with a very grumpy older teen that wants to be entertained all weekend, so my husband ends up frazzled and I get the backlash from the stroppy teen and grumpy husband.

The OP seems to have disappeared - would still like to know if he has his own space to game in his fathers house.

Agree think Mum is being painted in a bad light -Dad oved first but on this forum she should not have moved anywhere that took her further from her EX but he was free to move wherever- controlling or what!

What we are effectively saying is come teens, the RP gets to be solo parent for the most challenging periods, as with minimal contact and living so far away all behaviours issues are now the RPs to deal with. If the teen is not trustworthy then their ability to do anything for themselves will be limited which they would have had some respite from if the family had stayed together.

OP makes out this is all about gaming but we are not given the reason bar the cables why the computer can not move sites - which is could. Dad needs to make some effort to see his child and come up with alternatives to contact -he moved away, he still needs to parent his child.

Why is the default always that the family doing the minimal amount of parenting get to just dip
out and make it the responsibility of the family who are already doing the lions share? The environment is made less welcoming by moving away and having young children in it, privacy and belongings aren’t respected. The answer? Just stay with your other family all the time?

Well I'd argue that in a lot of cases especially when contact is something like EOW it's inevitable that most children will see one home as their main home and feel most comfortable there. I lived with my father growing up. When I was a teen and my mates started to become more important to me then yes I wanted to stay with dad more in the place I thought of as my "proper" home. Maybe it was unfair that my dad had to "have me" even more when he already did more than my mum but that's how I felt and surely children's feelings on the matter should begin to become just as important as they get older?

I mean what do you suggest, OP suck her young children back up so her SS doesn't have to deal with the annoyance of younger siblings?

This kid is 15, he should be starting to have a choice about where he goes and when and I don't think it's that surprising (or it shouldn't be) that where he feels most at home/most chilled out or whatever, is the home in which he spends most of his time.

The alternative is forcing him to go somewhere he doesn't want to so that mum can have a break. Realistically though, a lot of teens are going to want to rework contact schedules at some point. It's naive to think they will stick to the same rigid schedule they always did forever. He's old enough now for him to stay home when he wants to and mum can still go what she wants. If there is a specific thing mum wants to do which means he can't stay home by himself then perhaps then he can be told he needs to stay at dads that night. But to force him out EOW as he starts to get older is silly imo.

It's funny because its always 'about the kids' until mum wants a break then it's 'why should she have him more'.

Surely the most important thing here is the boy who is telling everyone he wants contact to change! Why should he be ignored considering he should be the most important person in this?

It's always blended families should bend in every which way because it's for the children (of the first marriage)

But when mum wants something - it really doesn't matter about the children of first marriage.

Sigh

I think OP is long gone, but an alternative option- if the DM is ok with it - is that DH goes and stays at their house whilst the DM is away for a few nights.

That way there is father and son time, but in a location that works for DSS and it means DM can go away. I find with 16 year old DS that we have our best conversations together when we happen to be in the kitchen at the same time or I'm giving him a lift somewhere.

I mean what do you suggest, OP suck her young children back up so her SS doesn't have to deal with the annoyance of younger siblings?

I don’t think anyone has suggested that. But you have to question, taking what the OP has written at face value, exactly what effort is being made in his father’s home to do things he might enjoy, to integrate him as part of the family, and to provide him with some one to one time with his dad. The OP suggests, to me anyway, he’s just a nuisance and would rather he didn’t bother but wraps that up as ‘but that’s what he wants/in his best interests’. She has not, I don’t think, come up with a workable alternative as to how dad could still spend quality time on a very regular basis with his son. And I think everyone can agree, regardless of which side of the fence we might be sitting on, that it remains important that regular contact with dad is both maintained and is meaningful and that he should have a relationship with his siblings.

But when mum wants something - it really doesn't matter about the children of first marriage

It’s really easy to trot this kind of shite out without seeing a bigger picture. Mum has facilitated OP’s relationship by having a child who has 2 parents, 12 out of 14 nights. There’s nothing fair about that. Her ex got to move on, got to have 12 out of 14 child free nights, got to wine and dine a new partner, got to enjoy the development of the relationship without having to bow out to relieve a babysitter or cancel when the kids were ill. He got lazy Sunday lie-ins, late night chats and all the rest of the stuff that makes a new relationship exciting. What has his ex had? The OP has additionally suggested mum is terrible for leaving her teen on her weekends yet the answer to many here is ‘mum can do what she wants, he’s old enough to be left so it shouldn’t impact her life’. Whilst nothing is fair in separation and divorce, it’s not fair to judge a woman for trying to have a life, palming the children off on her 24/7 every single day and then quietly pointing the finger when she dares to have a social life.

It’s not about ‘having a break’, so much as not having 100% of your life being lived with one eye on what the kids are doing. Just being you for a day and a night, not mum on-call in the background of everything you do.

@Changechangechanging there a lot of projection here.

Just fyi I am a mum. And that's where this post has gotten me questioning my own sanity. Sure having a weekend free is great but if my child is unhappy. Surely that trumps my need to be as free as a bird.

I'm just pointing out its hypocrisy to say well put the kids first but that only applies one way. Obviously imo.

I'm just pointing out its hypocrisy to say well put the kids first but that only applies one way. Obviously imo

This is what I mean. This site is very much 'kids come first' which is how it should be, until it's the RP who wants a break or who's child wants to stay more then it's 'why should mum have to do more'. Well I guess technically she shouldn't and in an ideal scenario she wouldn't have to but her home is her child's main home and as such, he understandably wants to start staying in it more as he's getting older. I think it would be naive to assume your child will stick to the current contact schedule forevermore and if you are the RP, the likelihood is it's going to be your home they want to stay in as it's their main home.

We have no idea why this dad has EOW contact so to speculate that he chose that and then waltzed off into the sunset leaving the mum doing something she didn't want to do is pure speculation. Perhaps this is what worked for the child best when they arranged contact? Perhaps both parents agreed to EOW? Who knows. There always seems to be a differing opinion on what contact us best, 50:50 apparently shit because the children don't have a base but any less and you're also shit for leaving one parent doing the lionshare.

If a dad came here and said my child is really unhappy at his mum's and desperately wants to live here all the time and only visit his mum as and when he wants but I don't want that because then I'd get no free weekends, everyone would be telling him he needs to put what his child wants over his desire for free time. I'm not having for a second that the same posters would be saying 'nah you should force him to go and be miserable still EOW'.

If a dad came here and said my child is really unhappy at his mum's and desperately wants to live here all the time and only visit his mum as and when he wants but I don't want that because then I'd get no free weekends, everyone would be telling him he needs to put what his child wants over his desire for free time. I'm not having for a second that the same posters would be saying 'nah you should force him to go and be miserable still EOW'.

Or worse a step saying that her step child has moved in and never saw their mum so the step mum had no break. She'd be told to suck it up as she "knew what she was getting into" and "it's the childs home" even though its not her child so it's more understandable to need a break.

I think the mum is entitled to a break, and that is absolutely and perfectly valid. Remember it's different to two parent families where you take it in turns to go on weekends away etc. the mum has looked after their child, with almost no help. The father, ops dh, has had him 4 nights a month. That's nothing!! For pretty much his whole life.
And now, it's all about what the 'child needs'. Sure, brilliant, since it doesn't impact you whatsoever. Just the mum. It wasn't all about what the child needed when you chose to move an hour away.

Teenagers are grumpy and stroppy quite often when things don’t go precisely their way. Whether that be because they want a new phone, don’t want to do any chores, don’t want to do homework, want to stay up all night gaming, want to go to some dodgy party etc. There is a balance that not everything revolves around their wants. Taking out the split family element I don’t think it would be totally unreasonable for them to go stay with family or friends twice a month because parents had other plans. More effort needs to be made to find things for him to do and on a certain level you have to just cope with grumpiness from a teenager. Poor lady shouldn’t feel he has to lock possessions in the bathroom to keep
them safe. Surely that’s an easy one to sort out. He needs a private room to keep his things and to chill
out in.

Many of the reasons he’s unhappy at dads appear to be changeable. So change them and see where you are. If dad bought the PC reclaim it at your house, he probably won’t want to go back to mums then as that appears to be the main issue!

Where has this blended family sucked anything up- they moved away from said child, started another family (no issue) now want to dip out of parenting the difficult teen years by seeing him even less.

I get teen gets a choice but Dad in this case needs to see his child and come up with some other plans rather than the Mum being blamed for moving away- ergo her fault for the distance, wanting some help in parenting her child and as in any family getting a bit of her time aswell.