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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son doesn’t want to visit

231 replies

Waterwater101 · 13/01/2023 09:16

My 15 year old step son hasn’t enjoyed visiting us for a while now, and it’s reached the point he’s absolutely vile for the 2 days EOW he’s here. He sulks in his bed all day and lashes out at our children when he leaves his room. He won’t join us when we go anywhere and if he has no choice he sulks. We got him to sit in the living room with us last weekend and he faced the wall for an hour.

We can understand why he doesn’t want to come sometimes.. his life is at home .. his pc, friends, mum, home comforts and no younger siblings to irritate him (they only need to breathe to wind him up).

He’s pleaded with his mum to let him skip a weekend here and there, or only stay for 1 night sometimes but she will not have any of it. His friends often have things planned (IRL or on PC) he can’t join because he’s coming to us… we live quite a way from him.

We’ve stressed to her how unhappy he is when he visits but she will not listen.

I think forcing him to come is damaging the relationship he has with us all and it’s causing a lot of resentment.

I genuinely think this could be rectified if he could ‘skip a weekend’ here and there so he looked forward to coming? We do this every now and then if we have a holiday or whatever and honestly when he comes after having not seen us for a longer period of time he is much happier.

I also think at 15 you should have some sort of say in how you spend your weekend? I certainly did at that age! He literally spends the two days here waiting to go home, to a point half an hour before he leaves he sits on the stairs with his things.

I feel so sad for him. Any ideas how we could tackle this? He’s so welcome here, we’ve tried so hard with him and I have nothing more I can give.

OP posts:
Winterpetal · 13/01/2023 17:13

Buy him the same pc he has at home
problem solved

NewNameNigel · 13/01/2023 17:25

Twoshoesnewshoes · 13/01/2023 12:56

My son is a professional gamer, and one of his gaming pcs was around £1500.
I think I would invest in that so that he can stay in touch with friends. There are still 0% credit cards around, could that be an option for your DH to buy it?
does your DSS have his own room where he can keep his things safe at yours?

Are you really suggesting that they should get into debt to buy a second PC? Madness.

lookluv · 13/01/2023 19:22

Is there actually somewhere for the gaming pc to go for him to be able to play it when he is there

Namechange828492 · 13/01/2023 19:28

What does "lashed out at 4yo" mean? As in pushed away

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2023 19:28

You have a husband who lives with you full time. If you aren't able to get a break, or go away for a weekend, you need to look at him for why - not just criticise her for it.

icanneverthinkofnc · 13/01/2023 19:49

It must be hard for you, OP, arsey teenagers aren't great company!
He is old enough to understand that this is not his dad or you 'spoiling' his weekends. He needs to talk to his mum if she is the issue and lose the attitude at yours.
I think a cards on the table time is due. You want home to be happy and enjoy his visits. You are happy to make accommodations for his social life. He either speaks to mum and makes a decision with her on contact but whatever he loses the attitude and behave in a civil polite manner at yours.
The other option is moving in with dad and bringing the computer if it's mum causing these issues. She clearly doesn't have his best interests at heart.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 20:02

Yeah at that age he should be listened to

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 20:03

Winterpetal · 13/01/2023 17:13

Buy him the same pc he has at home
problem solved

No that's ridiculous

America12 · 13/01/2023 20:32

Starlitestarbright · 13/01/2023 09:57

They don't want a play date at there dads hour over 6 hours away op not at 15. They enjoy going out and socialising independent of their parents at that age.

They're not 6 hours away

missbriteside · 14/01/2023 08:06

I feel really sorry for the mum reading some of these responses. Yes teenage boys can be difficult but she has to likely deal with this majority of the time on her own. If the OP finds DSS’s behaviour difficult for 1 or 2 nights a fortnight how do you think the mum feels being the resident parent?

DSS should be listened to but equally the mum will also need some time for herself, time she should have naturally got if they were still a couple sharing responsibilities. DSS also needs to realise that behaving badly doesn’t always get you what you want so there needs to be give and take on both side. Dad doesn’t get out of parenting just because he chose to move an hour away, if anything DSS is at an age he likely needs guidance from him. And maybe he’s not feeling like he belongs there if he’s being moaned at, teenagers do like to hang out in their rooms it’s normal!

I think it’s a really good suggestion that dad books cheap accommodation occasionally nearby DSS to still facilitate his social life and contact with his dad one on one.

lookluv · 14/01/2023 10:01

Does he have his own space in your house, if his "stuff" has nowhere to go then no wonder he is protective and not wanting to bring the pc over.

NewNameNigel · 14/01/2023 11:37

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 20:02

Yeah at that age he should be listened to

I agree with this but teenagers tend to be quite self centered.he should be listened to but needs to understand that other people have wants and needs will need to be taken into consideration as well his own.

rookiemere · 14/01/2023 11:56

@NewNameNigel
I think the issue with split residency is that the DCs are forced into a scenario that no reasonable person would want. I mean would you want to have to live every other fortnight in a different place with no access to your computer and an hour away from your friends - I certainly wouldn't. So I think just expecting him to jolly himself up and make the best of it like an adult would is an unrealistic expectation.

QueenSmartypants · 14/01/2023 11:57

Well he sounds like a brat (I say as the child of divorced parents) but I agree he should be allowed to skip weekends, especially at 15.

You mentioned his mum won't have him because those weekends aren't her turn...I wonder if its not brattiness and instead he feels rejected by her? Would be interested to know what their relationship is like the rest of the time.

QueenSmartypants · 14/01/2023 12:04

On the subject of game addiction, you might be able to raise this with him, gently. I'd start by asking him how he feels when he's away from his pc a certain length of time, how much he thinks about it/does it occupy his thoughts, does he dream about it.

If he is responsive I'd ask whether any of this compulsion feels good and if he's turning to it to avoid something Irl or as an escape from something which upsets him, or as a way of managing stress.

If being away from the pc increases his stress until he's reunited with it, then I would broach that it's common to feel that way, it must feel really awful, but there are ways to help so that he can have a good/healthy relationship with his pc use again.

He might really respond to the chance to take control of something in his life if he recognises its making him feel rubbish, especially if he feels supported.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 12:12

How much parenting do you think it’s reasonable for your partner to do? You seem to think that visiting his son once a month or having him for one night is ok? Personally I think that’s woefully inadequate that 50% of the parents do less than 5% of the time. If you would like ‘time off’ yourself it’s perfectly possible, you are in a 2 parent family you tell your partner you’re going out and off you go.
unfortunately teenagers can be horrible! It does sound like he’s possibly addicted. If he’s funny about his stuff maybe just get a lock on his bedroom door (retain a key yourself out of the way of your children)

MyRiverThee · 14/01/2023 12:16

That sounds tough OP. I know my kids would hate not having their PCs for a couple of days EOW. They’re good kids, not addicted but they love gaming and talk to their friends when doing it.

If the PC at your house is an option, that may help. If his mum will not listen to what he wants, I would sit down with him and tell him you are listening, unfortunately you don’t have control over the situation but are willing to do anything reasonable he can suggest to make it easier on him. And remind him that in the next year or so, he’ll be able to have more of a say as he turns 16 and can stay overnight at his mums alone.

Basically just let him know he’s always welcome but you’re listening and know that as a teen, living between two houses is hard. It’s important that he feels heard. But pull him up on the lashing out at his younger step siblings, that’s not ok.

It’ll get easier and if you show him kindness and that you’re listening, he’ll remember that in years to come.

Caramia23 · 14/01/2023 13:03

feel really sorry for the mum reading some of these responses. Yes teenage boys can be difficult but she has to likely deal with this majority of the time on her own. If the OP finds DSS’s behaviour difficult for 1 or 2 nights a fortnight how do you think the mum feels being the resident parent?

He's her son & her home is the sdcs main residence & as such his feelings on where he considers home should be respected. As I mentioned upthread I am the resident parent for my dd 17, who considers my house home & at this age she no longer wants to move between houses. I don't get any weekends to myself anymore but I'm not going to force a 17 year old to bend to my will. If you're the resident parent you have to take the good & the bad - same as if you're the non resident parent.

Forcing older teens into fixed access arrangements only infantilises them.

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 14:12

@MyRiverThee so they should just absolve all responsibility then? And blame mum that dad has moved away and is happy to give up the little time he has with his son. As for telling the son he can stay at his mums alone overnight at 16! I doubt the las is feeling abandoned by his mum who has him the vast majority of the time. Dad needs to look what he can do to improve the situation. A teenager probably isn’t going to want the same days out as a 4 year old, the little ones shouldn’t be touching their things, it’s normal for teens to want to be in their rooms, the son needs time with just dad

TheaBrandt · 14/01/2023 14:16

He’s 15 he’s likely Gillick competent. He might realise soon he can flat out refuse to go and there’s nothing either parent can do about it. Surely it’s hugely damaging for his relationship with the father too. The dad should travel to him every few weeks and spend proper quality time with him surely?

millymollymoomoo · 14/01/2023 14:28

I think people are missing the point
15 year olds don’t want to spend time with their parents! Whether divorced or not

they want to be able to
come and go, play sport, meet up with mates spontaneously, hang out, play on pc

expect he feels he’s missing out while his mates catch up etc and he can’t go

this is normal and he should be listened to!

Towntroubadour · 14/01/2023 14:39

My dd is 14 and if me and her dad weren’t together she’d be really grumpy having to go to see him if he was an hour away. I think when they become teens, the arrangements need to be more flexible. Because it sounds like it’s ruining your DH’s and SS’s relationship. Anyway you could move closer to him?

SandyLanez · 14/01/2023 14:42

Are people purposely missing that the DM moved away too? Making it a bigger issue, yet all the blame is put on dad for moving an hour away 10 years ago (and an hour is nothing, many commute longer than that daily) she then decided to move even further away.

The barrier here is the DM, I’m not sure why she can’t leave him to his own devices on the weekends she wants to get away and do things. At 15 unless ND a teen can be left alone overnight.

even getting a second PC would be unlikely to fix the issue entirely as it won’t resolve the friends issue

MyRiverThee · 14/01/2023 14:44

BungleandGeorge · 14/01/2023 14:12

@MyRiverThee so they should just absolve all responsibility then? And blame mum that dad has moved away and is happy to give up the little time he has with his son. As for telling the son he can stay at his mums alone overnight at 16! I doubt the las is feeling abandoned by his mum who has him the vast majority of the time. Dad needs to look what he can do to improve the situation. A teenager probably isn’t going to want the same days out as a 4 year old, the little ones shouldn’t be touching their things, it’s normal for teens to want to be in their rooms, the son needs time with just dad

No, they should all be listening to what this 15 year old wants, which is to visit less often. Dad isn’t giving up all the time he has with his son, he’s making sure the time he has, the son actually wants to get there.

Of course at 16 he can spend the occasional night at home alone. Why couldn’t he providing he’s happy with that?

This is the reality of parents splitting and do called blended families. It’s shot for the kids and they should be listened to. In BC an ideal dorks his parents would still be together. Next best thing would be parents lived closer. But very few adults are willing to put their lives on hold and now both his parents have moved away from each other. The boy wants to now visit dad less often and they all need to accommodate that, they’re the ones that blew his life apart afterall.

Woolftown · 14/01/2023 14:55

This is such a tricky age. Can you suggest a trial period of ad hoc visits with your SS's mother? Can you have different arrangements during term time and the holidays? It sounds as if a small compromise would help a lot here.