Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I need an excuse to not have dss at my bday meal

135 replies

decis · 02/01/2023 23:19

Dss is due over this weekend, he is a grumpy teen but more than that, rude & has absolutely no table manners. Quite frankly it puts me off my food.

My bday is sunday, we usually take him home the sunday after dinner meaning he will eat with us, but i simply dont want him there.

We cant go after we drop him as we have a toddler so she needs to be in bed at a decent time. Also for that reason cannot say just me & dh (no babysitters at all)

Please can someone give me a valid excuse to get out of him coming

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
SandyY2K · 02/01/2023 23:26

Have your birthday meal another time when he's not there. Fake a headache this Sunday.

I don't see how you can have him not come without being honest to your husband.

Beautifulsunflowers · 02/01/2023 23:27

I would go out in the week for your birthday meal then on your actual birthday feed the kids and drop him home and get a takeaway for you and dh.
In the longer term though is there anyway you and dh can improve his table manners when he’s with you?
And there’s no need for rudeness so that needs to stop. Does your dh put up with it or does he tackle it?

ShippingNews · 02/01/2023 23:28

Delay your birthday meal until a more suitable day. There's no reason why it has to be on the exact day.

SNWannabe · 02/01/2023 23:30

Have a family meal at home with teen and toddler. Then a date night just the two of you to celebrate your birthday on a different day.
im not sure that a meal out with a toddler can really mean that poor table
manners from “DSS” (though clearly not so “D”) would make that big of a deal. Surely your toddler isn’t dining a la carte at 5 star restaurants and using the correct cutlery yet?

Original poster
decis · 02/01/2023 23:30

Oh god its so simple i didnt think of that! But then again faking a headache on bday isnt fun. Still, i'll take that over him coming

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 02/01/2023 23:31

Move the meal to another day. It’s not fair to palm him off early just because you’ve decided you don’t have him there.

Bananarama21 · 02/01/2023 23:32

All teenagers are grumpy and can be rude I have a 14 year old. Your toddler won't always be a toddler.

watcherintherye · 02/01/2023 23:32

Think how you might tackle things in a few years time when your toddler turns out to be a rude stroppy teenager (I know, I know, of course it won’t happen…but it might Wink) and then do that.

paintitallover · 02/01/2023 23:35

I can't imagine how you'll cope when your toddler is a teenager. You don't seem to have the skills. Hopefully you'll develop them over time.

Original poster
decis · 02/01/2023 23:38

Thanks for the lovely patronising "wait until your dd is a teen" comments, one difference though, she is mine.

Dss is vile. No amount of telling him how not to act has worked so this is my decision

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 02/01/2023 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Abcdefgh1234 · 02/01/2023 23:53

If you choose to marry a man with child. You should accept his children aswell.

i myself i cant. I know my limit. Thats why i choose single man. No children!.

now you already choose your husband then just try to love his son too. All teenager is grumpy. Your toddler will be too. As you said it will be different because he is yours. But it shouldn’t be like that. If yoy cant love your dss as your own at least include him in all family activity. Including your birthday. Because you choose his father as a husband but he cant choose who his parent is.

BakersYeast · 02/01/2023 23:56

Abcdefgh1234 · 02/01/2023 23:53

If you choose to marry a man with child. You should accept his children aswell.

i myself i cant. I know my limit. Thats why i choose single man. No children!.

now you already choose your husband then just try to love his son too. All teenager is grumpy. Your toddler will be too. As you said it will be different because he is yours. But it shouldn’t be like that. If yoy cant love your dss as your own at least include him in all family activity. Including your birthday. Because you choose his father as a husband but he cant choose who his parent is.

What? Accept him and all his bad behaviours? As you say you have NO experience in this matter.

watcherintherye · 02/01/2023 23:56

Thanks for the lovely patronising "wait until your dd is a teen" comments, one difference though, she is mine.

Yes, and your dss is your husband’s. If you can’t stand having his son around, you need to have a conversation about it, don’t you? How are you going to manage having a headache on every Birthday or family occasion when you don’t want him there?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/01/2023 23:59

Doesn't the fact that your husband has raised a "vile" teenager not concern you as your current co parent?

Francisca459 · 02/01/2023 23:59

decis · 02/01/2023 23:38

Thanks for the lovely patronising "wait until your dd is a teen" comments, one difference though, she is mine.

Dss is vile. No amount of telling him how not to act has worked so this is my decision

Oh my God. Imagine you are a young lad and your parents split up and your Dad leaves your home. he is with a new woman, not your mother, and she thinks you are "vile". He will know you think that of him. If you really think that, you need to be honest and tell your DH that you don't want to be involved with stepson at all, and you need to leave your DH to it completely.

ACCx · 03/01/2023 00:03

Is DSS rude in general or just to you? If he’s not showing you respect I’d just be honest with your husband and say he isn’t allowed to come until he shows you respect. But that’s on the assumption he isn’t very nice to you.

RobbinBanksy · 03/01/2023 00:16

You should be ashamed of yourself

Bananarama21 · 03/01/2023 00:19

You have given no evidence to suggest why he should be excluded from the family meal none other than grumpy, rude and vile. He is a child your the adult you sound like an unpleasant one at that.

BabyFour2023 · 03/01/2023 00:21

If your child turns out like him will that be acceptable then? He’s a product of his parents; of which your DH is one!

Hope this doesn’t come back to bite you on the arse!

BabyFour2023 · 03/01/2023 00:21

Bananarama21 · 03/01/2023 00:19

You have given no evidence to suggest why he should be excluded from the family meal none other than grumpy, rude and vile. He is a child your the adult you sound like an unpleasant one at that.

Grumpy, vile and rude.

Are you referring to the OP or the step son?

Bellesboy1218 · 03/01/2023 00:22

I sympathise with you OP. I have a similar situation. It's very challenging

Livelovebehappy · 03/01/2023 00:24

Sounds like you just want your little ‘family unit’ at your birthday celebration. I suspect from your posts that you don’t like your DSS, and if his table manners were good, you would probably still come up with another excuse for not having him there. Give me a teen with poor table manners over a toddler at a restaurant any day. Toddlers are hugely hard work when eating out.

RhymeHasAReason · 03/01/2023 00:29

decis · 02/01/2023 23:38

Thanks for the lovely patronising "wait until your dd is a teen" comments, one difference though, she is mine.

Dss is vile. No amount of telling him how not to act has worked so this is my decision

Does your toddler have the same dad as this ‘vile’ boy? If so those genes and the dads parenting may cause the same issue in your child.

There’s only one ‘vile’ brat here!

toomuchlaundry · 03/01/2023 00:33

So what is your DH doing about his son’s manners?

Swipe left for the next trending thread