I need an excuse to not have dss at my bday meal

[decis]

Dss is due over this weekend, he is a grumpy teen but more than that, rude & has absolutely no table manners. Quite frankly it puts me off my food.

My bday is sunday, we usually take him home the sunday after dinner meaning he will eat with us, but i simply dont want him there.

We cant go after we drop him as we have a toddler so she needs to be in bed at a decent time. Also for that reason cannot say just me & dh (no babysitters at all)

Please can someone give me a valid excuse to get out of him coming

I would go a different day and avoid taking him.
Those of you who comment on step parenting when you are not a step parent have no business giving your opinion.
Some kids are vile, annoying and simply disrespectful. The phrase "you married a man with children blooming comment" is so annoying and completely stupid.
Children aren't always young, they grow up. If you can put up with the teenage years and come out the other side then all is well.
I certainly wouldn't be inviting my SC out if they begin to behave that way. Same when my own children are teenagers. If they can't behave then they won't be coming. Simple's!

In what way does it "sound hilarious"? Parents do not have to minimise bad behaviour in kids. Burping to the point it would be worthy of comment is rude and sexist and racist comments need calling out, not ignoring.

@aSofaNearYou in our family we laugh at burps, no big deal, it’s just another way to deal with it that’s all. If someone is acting up they will continue to do so if a big deal is made about it, as they want the attention.
It sounds like his Dad is constantly on at him and he keeps on doing it, so he is clearly trying to get a rise out of both parents. So my recommendation is to surprise him with a different reaction!

How does it sound hilarious? Are you two years old?

I can understand now wanting a grumpy rude teenager there, I have two of my own! Difference is with a SC you have to walk on eggshells whereas when it's your own DC you can (and I do) tell them to pick their sodding face up or stay at home.

@NicLondon1, are you aware that racism is a criminal offence? I don't think a withering look will quite cut it.

I wouldn't be seen anywhere with a racist. He's a teenager, leave him at home and enjoy your meal.

Yes this

Nah that isn't how it works

@lunar1 interesting, if your own teenager was coming out with racist comments, would you just leave them at home and call them vile?
or perhaps dig a little bit deeper to try to find the reason for the behaviour, and help them grow..?

Obviously everyone parents differently, my own family prioritised empathy and love over stupid table manners. Racist comments would be called out and questioned (or ignored if it was clearly just for attention) but we would not leave out that person from a birthday celebration.

Each to their own I guess.

My children are mixed race, my eldest was severely bullied by a racist two years ago and it has left lasting damage.

If either of my children showed bullying or bigotry in any way the damn well wouldn't be going anywhere for a nice meal.

This isn't just a case of a step mum wanting to exclude her husband's child, his behaviour has a vile and it needs addressing, at home where his bigotry can't be overheard by people trying to go for a nice meal.

Oh, and if I was in a restaurant and could hear adults ignoring a racist child I'd be asking the manager to deal with them. Not exactly a relaxing birthday meal for the op!

You didn't say this originally though, in fairness to the poster responding.

They responded to a post where you suggested tackling sexist and racist remarks with 'a withering look' whereas if you'd said what you've just explained (that you'd challenge them) you'd have had a different response as it's such a different suggested reaction to the behaviour.

OP's husband also needs to understand that actions have consequences.

It's not fair to other people in the restaurant, or OP, to have their experience spoiled by a teenager belching and making sexist, racist remarks.

The consequence of him acting that way is that he's not mature enough to behave during a meal out, so isn't welcome if he doesn't behave appropriately.

This isn't a five year old being cheeky or loud, it's a teenager behaving badly including sexist and racist remarks.

He shouldn't be rewarded with a meal out that he ruins for OP and other diners.

His dad should be focusing on tackling the behaviour properly at this crucial age.

She only remembered he made racist comments after she got no support from PPs and was told she WBU. Quite the drip feed.

You underestimate the effect of a split family. There is little you can do when a mother may not have the same stringent rules yet often you are left holding the slack. I once told my SS that I would not tolerate the way he spoke to his father in our house and he learnt his lesson fast.

Well that did not take long - OP does not like teen DSS, wants to exclude from family meal -does not get support they want - so he now becomes racist and sexist - highly inflammatory comments with no evidence and Bakers yeast turns it onto the mother being the cuse because the OP has no influence outside her own house.

Sums up the hysteria of the sm forum and how with no evidence and simple solution available - meal on different day - bit of drip feed and everyone but the OP is unreasonable!

I mean tbf she's entitled to want that if she wants for her birthday meal. There is no law to say you have to want your stepchild at your birthday celebration.

Of course that likely means she needs to celebrate on a different day when he isn't due to be there but there is nothing wrong with her preferring to celebrate her birthday when he's not around.

Well you've said you need an excuse to not have him.

In your words you said he is vile, his table manners, or lack of, make you sick and he makes sexist and racist comments.

Just tell him that then. No point pussy footing around him if you say these things to people on the internet. Tell him or tell his dad to tell him.

Yeah because he sounds really likeable...

And her toddler is hers and SS isn't. It's a fact.

My son is mine, my stepchildren are not. Nothing wrong with that. You can play make believe that marrying their father makes them my children in the same way as my own but it absolutely doesn't. Emotionally, legally or in responsibility.

Also love the 'you can still love teens underneath' or 'just try to love him' comments as if it's a switch you turn on and off. Teens are hard, this one does sound vile. For someone who isn't their parent and doesn't have that parental love for them, honestly what do you expect them to love about this 16 year old and WHY would they want to spend time celebrating their birthday with them?

And agree with PPs I'd be honest with my husband. If his behaviour is as bad as you describe I'd tell DH I wanted to go for a meal another night and the reason being I didn't want his son coming for all the reasons you've given here. Should he really be surprised?

Have you ever been in this position ? With a mother and father who have different values and attitudes to child rearing? Where a mother will use her children to try to create havoc in the new family ? I'm not saying it is only the mother's fault - what I am saying is that split families can be a nightmare and yes his Dad should be kicking his arse. I don't blame the OP for not wanting him there. What I do hate is the expectation that any woman who marries a man with kids just has to shut up and put up about the children.

to the poster who thinks burps sound hilarious. Really? In a restaurant, in public for a meal? You'd find it hilarious if your teen sat there burping away? 🤢

One of my friends let's her kid burp at the dinner table when we are eating and honestly I just think it's so gross. The thought of being in a restaurant and someone burping (other than accidentally!) makes me cringe.

You would take a racist out to dinner?

Presumably OP's husband doesn't have contact for most the time?

Presumably mum is vile too and has the child most of the time?