I need an excuse to not have dss at my bday meal

[decis]

Dss is due over this weekend, he is a grumpy teen but more than that, rude & has absolutely no table manners. Quite frankly it puts me off my food.

My bday is sunday, we usually take him home the sunday after dinner meaning he will eat with us, but i simply dont want him there.

We cant go after we drop him as we have a toddler so she needs to be in bed at a decent time. Also for that reason cannot say just me & dh (no babysitters at all)

Please can someone give me a valid excuse to get out of him coming

It sounds like your dh is completely ineffectual in managing his own child's behaviour.

"Always on at him" is clearly no enough. He should be ashamed. If I was you I'd genuinely worry about his ability to parent the child he shares with you too.

If you and he split, what's to stop your joint child going much the same way? If you don't split, what's to say he will hold the same levels of discipline as you? The same values? Or are you prepared to do all the parenting and let him be as ineffectual with your own child?

After all, there is clear, walking talking evidence of his lack of capability.

What is DH doing about being with a woman who calls his son "vile"?

I feel this whole thread is actually about spewing bile about the SS rather than needing to crowdsource an excuse.

He sounds awful and old enough to know exactly what he's doing. How can people feel sorry for him? He's revolting.

I wouldn't want a 16yo who acted like that there either. However, I would be honest as to why and go a different night. Tell DH.

I suppose one of the reasons parenting can work, in spite of many challenges which were never imagined, is that adults tend to grow out of wanting their special birthday on THE special day. They become more philosophical - 'what is a birthday, anyway?' kind of attitude and work on the bigger picture of the family dynamics and trying to improve things for everybody. Your little one will benefit from a nice relationship with their much older brother, at some time in the future, and especially after you're not around, so worth keeping him as part of your world and carrying on trying to improve things.

I would just have your birthday meal at another time.

Your partner won't feel good about the ill-feeling, so try to bury negative thoughts.

Does the sixteen year old have nice birthdays? What will you do for his, if you don't want to take him out?

Who do you need an excuse for, your DH or DSS/his mum? I would just be honest with your DH. If the problem is you don't feel you can drop him off a bit sooner without it being noticed and picked up on by DSS himself then I would probably just have a takeaway at home once he's gone or celebrate another day. Or go out with your family instead of DH.

And I've only just noticed the comment describing his behaviour - in that case we would have long ago told him we will not be taking him to any restaurants until he stops acting that way, so I would not need a valid excuse, that would be reason enough!

Just designate next weekend your birthday instead.

I do not celebrate my birthday at all because of my SC and my husband’s attitudes around them. I simply don’t have a birthday any longer. Even if it’s not a contact day (because it’s not worth the stress).

I was stupid enough to marry a man with children and that means I no longer get to have nice things.

You clearly don’t like him. I am not surprised he is grumpy around you. I am actually wonder if this is a fake post - describing your toddler as ‘mine’ ie your step son is not ‘your‘s …. speaks volumes about your true character - so I hope for this lad’s sake this is a fake post

Pick a restaurant that offers food he hates so he begs not to go?

Other people? The other person is the son’s father who is her husband. He’s not some random teenager who’s rolled up. Why is he vile? What is his father doing about it? Why isn’t her husband pulling him up over his table manners etc? He is also parenting a toddler so how is that going to turn out?

If your SS has been brought up this way (and you aren’t wildly exaggerating…) then you need to accept that your DH is partly responsible

Well he doesn't sound that pleasant to be around in public, but still I think it's quite sly to be looking for an excuse. Just be honest.
He's 16, he will have to like it or lump it. Perhaps he will learn if he knows why he's not invited. But perhaps don't call him vile either. I would try to remember who the adult is in the situation, and try and think back to when you were that age. He will remember the way you treat him when he's older and grown out of the bad behaviour so I wouldn't give give him a reason to hold a grudge, will just cause issues down the line.

Ridiculous martyr behaviour. It’s nothing to do with marrying a man with children and now you can’t have nice things - you’ve married a horrible man.

I'm marrying a man next year with 2 children and I still get nice things and a fuss made of me on birthday. I would be looking at your husbands lack of effort here, not blaming the children.

It sounds like he is acting out. Now is there any trauma in his life that would cause him to behave in thus way? Let me think....

Get him to babysit (bribe him with pizza or whatever he likes - he can burp away to himself).

That way you get a lovely date night birthday dinner.

I think you need to think about your attitude tbh.

I AM blaming him. Very much so.

You’ve merely assumed I’m blaming the children. I didn’t actually say that. The problem is the SC and their father’s attitudes around them. Just let the SC alone would not constitute the problem.

His children behave the way they do because he allows and even enables it. That is his fault.

Going by your description he does sound hard to be around when you’re eating. Rather than lying can your husband tell him he’s not invited because of his inappropriate behaviour in restaurants/dinner table. I don’t see why you have to pussyfoot around it. My ex had a child and he never behaved this way despite his parents divorce and new half siblings. In fact his son was a delight to be around all through his teenage years.

He’s sexist and racist but the sun shines out his dads arse right? Hmm who raised him to be this way then?

@TheYummyPatler I'm sorry that you don't feel you should have a birthday. I would leave said husband if this was me, you deserve to be made to feel special. Given context of this post and how you described why you don't get a birthday I assumed there was so resentment towards your SC yes.

Swearing - ignore
burping - giggle, sounds hilarious
sexist racist comments - give a withering look

he is acting up for attention, try minimising it and at the same time engaging with him in kind conversation