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Original poster

I need an excuse to not have dss at my bday meal

135 replies

decis · 02/01/2023 23:19

Dss is due over this weekend, he is a grumpy teen but more than that, rude & has absolutely no table manners. Quite frankly it puts me off my food.

My bday is sunday, we usually take him home the sunday after dinner meaning he will eat with us, but i simply dont want him there.

We cant go after we drop him as we have a toddler so she needs to be in bed at a decent time. Also for that reason cannot say just me & dh (no babysitters at all)

Please can someone give me a valid excuse to get out of him coming

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fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:34

Catterpillarwithconverse · 03/01/2023 08:42

What is DH doing about being with a woman who calls his son "vile"?

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He is vile

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:44

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:30

You would take a racist out to dinner?

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How did you get that from what @lunar1 said?

She didn't exactly say "well I personally love racists and would love to take one to dinner".

She said he's a child, who needs to be shown positive reinforcement and shown what a good role model is. She just said she wouldn't abandon a child for it. She would dig deeper and try to get to the root of it.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:46

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:34

He is vile

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I asked OP this. No response.
My assumption: Its one of two things,

  1. he's blissfully unaware and thinks DSM loves him like he does

  2. He knows and thinks he's also vile and therefore has probably got a broken relationship with him.

Either way, fingers need to point at some adults here...

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:47

Sorry my previous post was in response to the question,

What is DH doing with a woman who thinks his son is vile

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:50

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:46

I asked OP this. No response.
My assumption: Its one of two things,

  1. he's blissfully unaware and thinks DSM loves him like he does

  2. He knows and thinks he's also vile and therefore has probably got a broken relationship with him.

Either way, fingers need to point at some adults here...

Show quote history

Or 3. He's been trying but there's not much he can do as only sees his son every other weekend and mum says to ignore dad as she is vile too

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:51

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:47

Sorry my previous post was in response to the question,

What is DH doing with a woman who thinks his son is vile

Or they got together before his son became vile

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:52

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:44

How did you get that from what @lunar1 said?

She didn't exactly say "well I personally love racists and would love to take one to dinner".

She said he's a child, who needs to be shown positive reinforcement and shown what a good role model is. She just said she wouldn't abandon a child for it. She would dig deeper and try to get to the root of it.

Show quote history

It was @NicLondon1 who said Racist comments would be called out and questioned (or ignored if it was clearly just for attention) but we would not leave out that person from a birthday celebration.

At 16 if they made racist comments their punishment would be not being taken out in public for a meal.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:53

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:50

Or 3. He's been trying but there's not much he can do as only sees his son every other weekend and mum says to ignore dad as she is vile too

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True that sounds plausible.

But does OH know that DSM calls his son vile on the Internet.

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:56

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 16:53

True that sounds plausible.

But does OH know that DSM calls his son vile on the Internet.

Show quote history

Presumably it is OK as the DSC is a vile racist.

I imagine DH is ashamed of his son for behaving in such a way and maybe he has posted elsewhere to ask for help with his vile son.

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:58

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:56

Presumably it is OK as the DSC is a vile racist.

I imagine DH is ashamed of his son for behaving in such a way and maybe he has posted elsewhere to ask for help with his vile son.

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The lad is 16 not 6. So I think its an acceptable consequence.

lookluv · 03/01/2023 17:00

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SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 17:05

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:56

Presumably it is OK as the DSC is a vile racist.

I imagine DH is ashamed of his son for behaving in such a way and maybe he has posted elsewhere to ask for help with his vile son.

Show quote history

I think OP needs to talk at this point. We are just speculating about a hypothetical situation.

I'm just saying he's a child. The parents need to try to understand where it's coming from. Racism is disgusting and not to be tolerated but the child should still be given a chance to be shown the right path, rather than just have their hands washed of him. What's emotional abandonment going to do but encourage more negative behaviour from the pain?

They are still young. If the kid has any chance coming out a decent human being, then more effective strategies and parental responsibility needs to be taken on.

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 17:08

@SugarplumFairyyy I see what you mean. Still don't think he should be encouraged to be in public until he's sorted his racism out.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 17:18

fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 17:08

@SugarplumFairyyy I see what you mean. Still don't think he should be encouraged to be in public until he's sorted his racism out.

I agree with the fact that he should get a consequence for his racist remarks. That behaviour shouldn't be tolerated. He needs boundaries but he also needs parents who are dedicated to putting him on the right path.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2023 00:03

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BakersYeast · 04/01/2023 00:29

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It is a possibility that the mother allows bad behaviour and it carries to the other home - who knows ? The usual jumping on MN is on the SM as I said with all the " you married a man with children you take all the shite"

randomusername666 · 04/01/2023 06:19

decis · 03/01/2023 04:04

@Livelovebehappy you wouldn't, you would choose the toddler.

Dh is forever on at him, forever in talks with his mum. He swears constantly, loudly burps in restaurants & in a sort of "i dont give a fuck" sort of way. He makes sexist & racist comments. This is a start!

I do accept him as my dh's son, I include him in most things, but social things where his behaviour will embarrass us & ruin our night? No way & why should i?

I stand by it, he is vile

I don't blame you for this. I wouldn't put up with it either.

roseheartfly · 04/01/2023 10:40

Hi OP, the first few replies demonstrate what you want and needed... a suggestion to have your meal on another evening. I'm sure your intentions when posting were for that helpful advice... at a time that you felt worked up and unable to think clearly.

I'm sorry you've then had to justify yourself and have been accused of "inflating" issues by some MN users who trawl step parent posts with the sole intention of trying to berate step mums.

One poster in particular, who clearly isn't a step parent, likes to tell you how it is and what you really meant, based only on her opinion. Quite sad and bitter and I hope 2023 brings more happiness.

You aren't a horrible person for hating the behaviour of your step children. I hope you had a nice birthday meal!

MeridianB · 04/01/2023 16:45

MyohMuke · 03/01/2023 16:18

And agree with PPs I'd be honest with my husband. If his behaviour is as bad as you describe I'd tell DH I wanted to go for a meal another night and the reason being I didn't want his son coming for all the reasons you've given here. Should he really be surprised?

This. Just be honest that you don't want to go out to eat with DSS and switch your dinner to the weekend he is not there.

More widely, you seem to have a big DH problem if these behaviours have been allowed to persist. Does he think racism, sexism and revolting table manners are OK? Is he happy for his son to behave like this with wider family?

Smoky1107 · 04/01/2023 17:09

I have insisted for a few years that my birthday is celebrated on a child free weekend, so I can have adult time. It's actually because my sd sounds much like your ss and has in the past been so poorly behaved it's spoilt the occasion. I agree I have a dh issue too that's becoming more and more of a never ending cycle of poor behaviour and daddy pandering to the tears. Pick a different weekend and get your toddler looked after by family

thestepmumspacepodcast · 08/01/2023 19:58

Hi OP! When is your birthday? I hope you have a wonderful meal!!

What has happened with SS since?

ObjectionSustained · 02/02/2023 12:50

decis · 03/01/2023 04:04

@Livelovebehappy you wouldn't, you would choose the toddler.

Dh is forever on at him, forever in talks with his mum. He swears constantly, loudly burps in restaurants & in a sort of "i dont give a fuck" sort of way. He makes sexist & racist comments. This is a start!

I do accept him as my dh's son, I include him in most things, but social things where his behaviour will embarrass us & ruin our night? No way & why should i?

I stand by it, he is vile

Tell your husband what you think of his son. I think that'll solve any future problems fairly quickly.

Your family includes DSS. If you don't like that, then you need to leave his dad.

You're branding him vile - I'd say you're not far behind on that either.

Reugny · 02/02/2023 12:57

@ObjectionSustained when you post on threads look at the date of the last post.

If the date wasn't in the last week then consider that it is not worth posting on it.

Oh and your own comments are unwarranted. I guess you aren't a step-mother.

Minteraye · 02/02/2023 13:29

Reugny · 02/02/2023 12:57

@ObjectionSustained when you post on threads look at the date of the last post.

If the date wasn't in the last week then consider that it is not worth posting on it.

Oh and your own comments are unwarranted. I guess you aren't a step-mother.

Who are you, the police?

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 02/02/2023 16:03

Reugny · 02/02/2023 12:57

@ObjectionSustained when you post on threads look at the date of the last post.

If the date wasn't in the last week then consider that it is not worth posting on it.

Oh and your own comments are unwarranted. I guess you aren't a step-mother.

Wind your neck in. There's no expiry date on posts.

We've all invested time in this story and would like to know the outcome too.