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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:26

Read the thread dear. DH will be continuing to parent DSD in her mother’s house.

So he’s going to move back in with his ex for half the week?

When does DSD mum ever get a proper break?

BethJ62 · 29/12/2022 11:29

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:26

Read the thread dear. DH will be continuing to parent DSD in her mother’s house.

So he’s going to move back in with his ex for half the week?

When does DSD mum ever get a proper break?

It’s not up to the OP to give the Mum a break ! I didn’t realise that was the point of contact with the other parent .

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:30

MintJulia · 29/12/2022 11:24

Having seen it from both sides OP, I think you've probably done the right thing. At 17, dsd knows when she is lying, manipulating etc and she knows why she is not welcome in your house. To be honest she probably didn't want to be there anyway.

But she is also obviously pretty mixed up and needs to see her dad as a stabilising influence. As long as you don't mind him spending time at their house, that's ok.

The ex should never have been in your house in the first place.

Well done for finding a solution that works for you.

Thank you. It has taken a lot of thought and consideration, lots of discussions. I’m more than happy for DH to stay at his daughters mothers house for the weekend, that way DSD doesn’t have to endure visits to our house, I don’t have to be dragged into endless dramas and DSD’s mother gets a break at her own partner’s house safe in the knowledge that DSD is being taken care of by her dad. Also my DD doesn’t have to live with all of this static in the air. Win Win situation.

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 29/12/2022 11:30

Sounds like a good idea!

What are her parents doing to improve her behaviour and outlook though? Would she do therapy?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:31

BowiesJumper · 29/12/2022 11:30

Sounds like a good idea!

What are her parents doing to improve her behaviour and outlook though? Would she do therapy?

Not my problem but, A Lot!

OP posts:
mommatoone · 29/12/2022 11:31

No one should feel unsafe in their own home. Good luck OPx

tasamoon · 29/12/2022 11:32

rrf · 29/12/2022 11:26

Soo... They all get to spend quality time together, in your own X's house? Without you? Sounds like a win for the teenager

I wonder if that might be the root of the troubling behaviour.

It sounds like it has been effective in bringing her family back together under one roof. That may be a great outcome for her.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:32

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:26

Read the thread dear. DH will be continuing to parent DSD in her mother’s house.

So he’s going to move back in with his ex for half the week?

When does DSD mum ever get a proper break?

I don’t care!

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:35

It’s not up to the OP to give the Mum a break ! I didn’t realise that was the point of contact with the other parent .

It’s not up to OP to do anything, it’s up to her parent who seems to be doing whatever he can to get out of parenting.

It sounds like OP hosted/parented the DSD more than her DH and now that she’s putting a stop to it he’s going to live with his ex for half the week instead.

If the child is so difficult then they absolutely deserve a break.

I’m sure if the OP’s DC’s dad was around she would want a break too.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 29/12/2022 11:35

I’m sure I read a thread last week about a mum and daughter just walking into the ops house uninvited.

Anyway, I wouldn’t tolerate shit behaviour in my home regardless of who they were. She’s 17 and not a little kid. I’d want to protect my younger dc too.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:35

tasamoon · 29/12/2022 11:32

I wonder if that might be the root of the troubling behaviour.

It sounds like it has been effective in bringing her family back together under one roof. That may be a great outcome for her.

Show quote history

DSDs mother had a partner who lives separately to her (1 guess why!?) so she could go and stay with him.

OP posts:
rrf · 29/12/2022 11:36

Ultimately, this will hurt your relationship. I know you feel liberated right now, but it is fuelled by anger and frustration. Take some time and consider the impact on yourself. You may well have just played straight into the hands of your husband's ex

nomcachange · 29/12/2022 11:36

She’s 17, not 7. Time to recognise her actions have consequences I would think.

pandwa · 29/12/2022 11:36

My dsd I fear is heading into this sort of teenager. Been in her life 10 years and always provided a stable home for her here, unfortunately her mum has always planted things in her head about her dad, which has contributed to alot of issues. We want her to come and live with us before it gets any worse but she refuses, all we can do is let her know we're always going to be there for her. But I won't tolerate the kick offs she has as they frighten her siblings.

It's hard op, I see both sides of the argument. I'm guessing it's the same sort of scenario where mum has alientated your dsds dad to a point there is no respect for him or you ?
It's sad that children get used as weapons like this because it does create an unstable and sad adult I think

Fleurdaisy · 29/12/2022 11:37

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:01

DSD is 17. Is a liar, a thief, a fantastic manipulator, unkind, dangerous, unfriendly, impolite, lazy, violent and like her mother- a basket case. DH will continue to see DSD and take care of her but in her mother’s home. In that way, he and DSD still see one another. DSD’s mother gets a rest from the endless stream of bs that DSD produces and there can be no lies told about what happened at dad’s or on dad’s weekends. Perfect solution - plus DH is protecting me and our DD from being threatened and bullied within our own home.
I’ve posted because I want struggling step mothers to feel empowered to express their needs and not feel they need to be a martyr their whole lives.
Dad’s who expect step mothers to bear the brunt of all the shit silently could take a leaf out of my wonderful DH’s book.

Sounds like you made the right decision from this.
I didn’t have dsc problems but his exw was a total nightmare and made my life a misery. There were other things going on , he was an alcoholic, but the two of them together nearly broke me.
Stand strong.

NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:39

Whilst the bare bones of this seem sad but needed, OP your gloating tone is not pleasant. None of this is about letting other step parents know that they can assert their boundaries etc, it’s about getting one over on a kid who is clearly pretty messed up and acting out.

CovertImage · 29/12/2022 11:40

There's no end to the excuses some people on Mumsnet make for obnoxiousnous in some young women. It's not always a result of "trauma": sometimes they're a shit just like people of any age can be a shit

NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:40

Also your use of language related to mental health issues is really unpleasant.

overthehill7 · 29/12/2022 11:40

LOVES THIS!!!

Step parents are humans too. The first children & mothers aren't more important.

As long as you have given everything to make it work, sod them.

After how myself & family have been treated this Xmas. I am very close to having nothing to do with my SC. Visit their dad but I'm having nothing to do with it.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:42

pandwa · 29/12/2022 11:36

My dsd I fear is heading into this sort of teenager. Been in her life 10 years and always provided a stable home for her here, unfortunately her mum has always planted things in her head about her dad, which has contributed to alot of issues. We want her to come and live with us before it gets any worse but she refuses, all we can do is let her know we're always going to be there for her. But I won't tolerate the kick offs she has as they frighten her siblings.

It's hard op, I see both sides of the argument. I'm guessing it's the same sort of scenario where mum has alientated your dsds dad to a point there is no respect for him or you ?
It's sad that children get used as weapons like this because it does create an unstable and sad adult I think

Thank you for appreciating the nuance.
the trouble comes when I don’t tolerate the “kick offs” as you put it. DSD and her mum Lazily fall into the wicked step-mother narrative about me, even though I don’t shout, I just occasionally ask politely that she’s a bit kinder/ bit less of a liar etc. They seem to think that if they could just get me off the scene that they’d have full control of DH but DH doesn’t want that obviously.
I feel that this solution is kinder to everyone involved.

OP posts:
igor · 29/12/2022 11:42

The responses to this thread are interesting. I think that had op posted she was kicking out a biological child who was violent and badly behaved for the safety of her younger child then replied would be more along the 'hard but you have to protect your other child' variety.

As it is a DSD then obviously the SM is a total monster who should be flagellating themselves for mistreatment.

boredOf · 29/12/2022 11:42

MintJulia · 29/12/2022 09:14

How old is your dsd? what did she do?

I banned my 25yo dsd from the house when she spat in the lunch I had prepared for us. It ended my relationship.

It was still the right decision though. There are some things no-one should have to tolerate.

Wow good on you.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 29/12/2022 11:42

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:01

DSD is 17. Is a liar, a thief, a fantastic manipulator, unkind, dangerous, unfriendly, impolite, lazy, violent and like her mother- a basket case. DH will continue to see DSD and take care of her but in her mother’s home. In that way, he and DSD still see one another. DSD’s mother gets a rest from the endless stream of bs that DSD produces and there can be no lies told about what happened at dad’s or on dad’s weekends. Perfect solution - plus DH is protecting me and our DD from being threatened and bullied within our own home.
I’ve posted because I want struggling step mothers to feel empowered to express their needs and not feel they need to be a martyr their whole lives.
Dad’s who expect step mothers to bear the brunt of all the shit silently could take a leaf out of my wonderful DH’s book.

"I want struggling step mothers to feel empowered to express their needs and not feel they need to be a martyr their whole lives."

YES!!!!! OP!!!!!

Shoecleaner · 29/12/2022 11:43

NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:39

Whilst the bare bones of this seem sad but needed, OP your gloating tone is not pleasant. None of this is about letting other step parents know that they can assert their boundaries etc, it’s about getting one over on a kid who is clearly pretty messed up and acting out.

I think it's about relief. I don't pick up any gloating at all or getting one over.

Hearmeout · 29/12/2022 11:43

Sorry not read the full thread, when do the siblings get family time together now