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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
DriftwoodOnTheShore · 29/12/2022 11:43

Brilliantly done, OP.

Sick of reading here about step mothers being abused and forced to have violent aggressive kids in their homes.

I hope your stance gives others the strength to do the same.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:43

Why was the mum coming into your home?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2022 11:43

Finally, ten minutes ago, you've given all the information that was relevant to the situation, rendering the past 3 hours a waste of time for some posters.

So, yes, now you've detailed it, if everyone is happy with this situation, then of course it makes sense.

My only query is that there must be some special needs? Unmentioned of course. Because a 17 year old normally wouldn't need looking after.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:44

Hearmeout · 29/12/2022 11:43

Sorry not read the full thread, when do the siblings get family time together now

DSD hates DD (7) so not an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:44

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2022 11:43

Finally, ten minutes ago, you've given all the information that was relevant to the situation, rendering the past 3 hours a waste of time for some posters.

So, yes, now you've detailed it, if everyone is happy with this situation, then of course it makes sense.

My only query is that there must be some special needs? Unmentioned of course. Because a 17 year old normally wouldn't need looking after.

First world problems peaking on MN today! 😂😂

OP posts:
Par91 · 29/12/2022 11:45

@overthehill7

Step parents are humans too. The first children & mothers aren't more important

exactly. Equal respect

Wiluli · 29/12/2022 11:46

Not sure on the reasons but banning your husband children from the house doesn’t sound something to preach about . It’s very sad imo

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 29/12/2022 11:46

NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:39

Whilst the bare bones of this seem sad but needed, OP your gloating tone is not pleasant. None of this is about letting other step parents know that they can assert their boundaries etc, it’s about getting one over on a kid who is clearly pretty messed up and acting out.

I agree, it's horrible. "Empower stepmothers"? Don't make me laugh.

Shoecleaner · 29/12/2022 11:46

Hearmeout · 29/12/2022 11:43

Sorry not read the full thread, when do the siblings get family time together now

DSD is abusive to DD so never!

ilovesushi · 29/12/2022 11:46

Good for you. Sounds like it has been a long time in coming and a huge relief.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 29/12/2022 11:47

igor · 29/12/2022 11:42

The responses to this thread are interesting. I think that had op posted she was kicking out a biological child who was violent and badly behaved for the safety of her younger child then replied would be more along the 'hard but you have to protect your other child' variety.

As it is a DSD then obviously the SM is a total monster who should be flagellating themselves for mistreatment.

I agree with this observation. It is yet another way in which biological mothers are supported more by society than stepmothers are.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:48

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2022 11:43

Finally, ten minutes ago, you've given all the information that was relevant to the situation, rendering the past 3 hours a waste of time for some posters.

So, yes, now you've detailed it, if everyone is happy with this situation, then of course it makes sense.

My only query is that there must be some special needs? Unmentioned of course. Because a 17 year old normally wouldn't need looking after.

Yes some mental health issues and Sen but I’m loathe to attribute arsehole behaviours to spectrum conditions. My feeling is that DSD has had zero boundaries and has learnt from the best in terms of manipulation and the myriad character defects. Feels ableist. Why I haven’t mentioned thus far. But please accept my sincere apologies for ‘wasting’ 3 hours of your morning!!!

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 11:49

igor · 29/12/2022 11:42

The responses to this thread are interesting. I think that had op posted she was kicking out a biological child who was violent and badly behaved for the safety of her younger child then replied would be more along the 'hard but you have to protect your other child' variety.

As it is a DSD then obviously the SM is a total monster who should be flagellating themselves for mistreatment.

The difference then would be that we’d know that the parents doing the kicking out were genuinely doing it with the child’s best interests at heart.

The parent in your situation would have a biological child that was brought up in their own home with their two loving parents behind them and on the same page. If that child turns out to have issues, then the parents can reasonably say that they have done everything they possibly can to be good parents and their choices have always prioritised their children.

The same can’t be said for a child who has been brought up across two homes and then had half siblings thrown into the mix. A child in that situation will have grown up with issues that their parents could have chosen to avoid, but didn’t because of their own selfishness and belief that they are entitled to be happy and have whatever relationships and children they want.

Doris86 · 29/12/2022 11:50

Banning from your house, ‘divorcing’ her, yet you still refer to her as DSD?!

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 11:50

It sounds like a solution that can work for everyone. SD doesn’t have to move between houses and gets focused attention from her Dad. OP and her DD get peace and control back of her own home.

I know divorce is traumatic for children. I went through it myself. But at what age do we stop giving the children excuses for their bad behavior? I went through hell as a child but never behaved like OP is describing, not to my parents or anyone else.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 29/12/2022 11:51

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 29/12/2022 11:46

I agree, it's horrible. "Empower stepmothers"? Don't make me laugh.

Show quote history

Yes IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention we should empower stepmothers, just as we should empower mothers, and children. Everybody should feel empowered to make decisions that support their wellbeing.

This isn't something which has happened overnight and no doubt OP has been through significant mental anguish over this.

Stepmothers suffer twice the anxiety and depression of bio mums and this is NOT OK!!

boredOf · 29/12/2022 11:51

Hearmeout · 29/12/2022 11:43

Sorry not read the full thread, when do the siblings get family time together now

None when it's abusive.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:52

NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:39

Whilst the bare bones of this seem sad but needed, OP your gloating tone is not pleasant. None of this is about letting other step parents know that they can assert their boundaries etc, it’s about getting one over on a kid who is clearly pretty messed up and acting out.

My gloating tone is a defence mechanism from having all of society and “support” forums such as this, treat me with unkindness and underestimation for years on end when I’ve been deeply suffering in my role as a step parent. I am spiky because you have been unkind.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:52

Whilst the bare bones of this seem sad but needed, OP your gloating tone is not pleasant. None of this is about letting other step parents know that they can assert their boundaries etc, it’s about getting one over on a kid who is clearly pretty messed up and acting out.

I agree.

I can imagine that the replies wouldn’t be as supportive if OP was a man banning his wife’s children from the house.

It’s an awful situation and if banning her was the only option then it should be something to feel sad or disappointed about that it has had to come to this, not all of this “you go girl” and “well done you” shit.

Mon33xx · 29/12/2022 11:52

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 11:49

The difference then would be that we’d know that the parents doing the kicking out were genuinely doing it with the child’s best interests at heart.

The parent in your situation would have a biological child that was brought up in their own home with their two loving parents behind them and on the same page. If that child turns out to have issues, then the parents can reasonably say that they have done everything they possibly can to be good parents and their choices have always prioritised their children.

The same can’t be said for a child who has been brought up across two homes and then had half siblings thrown into the mix. A child in that situation will have grown up with issues that their parents could have chosen to avoid, but didn’t because of their own selfishness and belief that they are entitled to be happy and have whatever relationships and children they want.

Show quote history

Lol absurd to think that we 'deserve to be happy'.

What a ridiculous statement.

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 11:53

Stepmothers suffer twice the anxiety and depression of bio mums and this is NOT OK!!

That’s not true, but even if it were, they made the choice! Adults can make choices that lead to difficult situations for them or they can choose to avoid them. If they choose to get into a difficult situation, it actually IS OK for them to face the consequences.

NormalNans · 29/12/2022 11:53

thestepmumspacepodcast · 29/12/2022 11:51

Yes IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention we should empower stepmothers, just as we should empower mothers, and children. Everybody should feel empowered to make decisions that support their wellbeing.

This isn't something which has happened overnight and no doubt OP has been through significant mental anguish over this.

Stepmothers suffer twice the anxiety and depression of bio mums and this is NOT OK!!

Show quote history

And the kids? Particularly when they have additional needs and a step parent who doesn’t think this should be used as an excuse for poor behaviour but that it’s OK to use terms like ‘basket case’.

How much stress should we acknowledge that they face?

boredOf · 29/12/2022 11:53

Good on you OP

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:54

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:43

Why was the mum coming into your home?

Because she is a boundary-less bully.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 11:54

igor · 29/12/2022 11:42

The responses to this thread are interesting. I think that had op posted she was kicking out a biological child who was violent and badly behaved for the safety of her younger child then replied would be more along the 'hard but you have to protect your other child' variety.

As it is a DSD then obviously the SM is a total monster who should be flagellating themselves for mistreatment.

This is nonsense.

PP are responding to the combative, gleeful tone of the initial post.
If OP had opened with what she feels are the facts of the later dripfeed, responses would have been markedly different.