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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
AreOttersJustWetCats · 29/12/2022 10:53

I can't believe people are cheering on a stepparent who is ostracising a child that is young enough to have "contact time".

"You go girl"? Are you serious?

Tempyname · 29/12/2022 10:54

Obviously a massive difference if the child is only 7 as opposed to 16.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 10:55

2 significant bits of information missing here. Your lack of disclosure on those makes me guess you are being unreasonable.

I agree.

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 10:55

If you live with the father, can’t see your relationship with him going well

AssumingDirectControl · 29/12/2022 10:56

If she’s a child, this sort of unilateral decision making would surely end the OP’s marriage. If it doesn’t, the husband is a worthless waste of space anyway.

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 10:57

AreOttersJustWetCats · 29/12/2022 10:53

I can't believe people are cheering on a stepparent who is ostracising a child that is young enough to have "contact time".

"You go girl"? Are you serious?

Well we don't know what has happened. Even if the child is young, they could still make it impossible for OP to live (happily anyway) with them. Being young doesn't mean you can't behave awfully toward someone. The reasons for said behaviour are more complex in a younger child (i.e. sounds like mum is influencing a lot of this) which isn't the child's fault but isn't any easier to live with for OP.

That said though I just can't see how in any way you could expect to maintain a relationship with your husband OP whilst banning his, presumably, young daughter from, presumably, his house. Whatever she has done, no decent man is going to agree that his young child can never come in his home so surely the only solution is to separate or live apart?

Shinyandnew1 · 29/12/2022 10:59
  1. how old is the step daughter?
  2. Does your partner live with you?
AutumnCrow · 29/12/2022 11:00

Is this some sort of guessing game?

BlueLabel · 29/12/2022 11:00

How old is your DSD? Is it your house or shared with your husband? Are there any other DC involved?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:01

DSD is 17. Is a liar, a thief, a fantastic manipulator, unkind, dangerous, unfriendly, impolite, lazy, violent and like her mother- a basket case. DH will continue to see DSD and take care of her but in her mother’s home. In that way, he and DSD still see one another. DSD’s mother gets a rest from the endless stream of bs that DSD produces and there can be no lies told about what happened at dad’s or on dad’s weekends. Perfect solution - plus DH is protecting me and our DD from being threatened and bullied within our own home.
I’ve posted because I want struggling step mothers to feel empowered to express their needs and not feel they need to be a martyr their whole lives.
Dad’s who expect step mothers to bear the brunt of all the shit silently could take a leaf out of my wonderful DH’s book.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 11:02

What is your ‘wonderful DH’ doing to support his daughter? She sounds like things have gone very very wrong for her somewhere and she needs some intervention at this critical time.

dworky · 29/12/2022 11:02

A child has the right to visit her father.
If you can't deal with it, divorce him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/12/2022 11:05

dworky · 29/12/2022 11:02

A child has the right to visit her father.
If you can't deal with it, divorce him.

They don't have the 'right' to visit their father. He has a responsibility to provide for and take care of his children.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:05

If she’s 17 why does the mum need to come into your home?

And why is the mum banned if she’s not done anything wrong?

How is your DH so wonderful if he’s allowed you and your DD to have been bullied for years?

usernamealreadytaken · 29/12/2022 11:05

dworky · 29/12/2022 11:02

A child has the right to visit her father.
If you can't deal with it, divorce him.

A woman and her child have a right to be safe in their own home. DSDs rights don't trump that; DH can and does see his DD elsewhere, as OP has said.

WickedStepmomNOT · 29/12/2022 11:05

dworky · 29/12/2022 11:02

A child has the right to visit her father.
If you can't deal with it, divorce him.

A violent 17 year old is borderline adult and old enough to know better.

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 11:06

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:01

DSD is 17. Is a liar, a thief, a fantastic manipulator, unkind, dangerous, unfriendly, impolite, lazy, violent and like her mother- a basket case. DH will continue to see DSD and take care of her but in her mother’s home. In that way, he and DSD still see one another. DSD’s mother gets a rest from the endless stream of bs that DSD produces and there can be no lies told about what happened at dad’s or on dad’s weekends. Perfect solution - plus DH is protecting me and our DD from being threatened and bullied within our own home.
I’ve posted because I want struggling step mothers to feel empowered to express their needs and not feel they need to be a martyr their whole lives.
Dad’s who expect step mothers to bear the brunt of all the shit silently could take a leaf out of my wonderful DH’s book.

Okay with your explanation about her behaviour and considering her age (finally), I don't blame you.

Merrymouse · 29/12/2022 11:06

where DSD is able to come round and supported to behave in a civilised way.

The problem is that if the daughter is not an adult, her father’s duties towards her are not contingent on her behaviour - she could be being a complete shit, and he would still need to support, house and care for her, just as he would if he hadn’t remarried.

Even when children are adults you keep loving them unconditionally.

The OP is very much entitled to have boundaries, but her husband may be on the other side.

But that might not be a problem.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:07

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 10:31

No I don't think anyone is saying you have to host it. But if your husband also owns your home you can't just unilaterally decide his child (depending on age imo, maybe different if an adult) can't come into it.

Show quote history

Yes, yes I can. The opposite could be said that he can’t unilaterally decide that I have to have a horrible, unpleasant person in my house.
Step parents don’t let society dictate your silence. Don’t let mad people dictate your life.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/12/2022 11:07

If the SD is bullying or posing a threat to another child in the home then they should be banned.

TorringtonDean · 29/12/2022 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fireflygal · 29/12/2022 11:09

@Boundaryqueen1 I think it's a real shame that the relationship between you and your husband's daughter has completely broken down.

I think if it continues its a complete failure of everyone involved. She is a teen and people change. I doubt you have been perfect.

For now accept that it's a "break" but that you will be mature enough to accept there has to be some reconciliation.

Did anyone read the dog groomers thread? This could be the other side.

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 11:09

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:07

Yes, yes I can. The opposite could be said that he can’t unilaterally decide that I have to have a horrible, unpleasant person in my house.
Step parents don’t let society dictate your silence. Don’t let mad people dictate your life.

Show quote history

Well as most people on the thread have said her age was important and really would have been useful in your Op. Because I disagree that you could ban a naughty 5 year old in the same way you can ban a violent 17 year old thief and have a marriage left at the end of it.

The facts were entirely relevant to your post.

laurwalsh · 29/12/2022 11:10

You should cruel. As a child from. Broken home and the trauma of having a step mum I would have totally collapsed at this treatment. She needs stability love and security and not someone who is going to make her feel like she's a bad person and her own dad is choosing another woman over her. Well done, you feel empowered at the expense of a vulnerable teenager. You should horrible.

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 11:11

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/12/2022 11:07

If the SD is bullying or posing a threat to another child in the home then they should be banned.

Is that what you’d do if your own child behaved badly to you or another child? Ban them from the house?

OP is trying to push this as her having boundaries and not being walked over by a man etc but the only reason she can pull this shit is because her wonderful DH can push all the shit parenting onto the mother. Because only the dads can opt out of any parenting if their child isn’t ideal. In real life how many mothers would do this? Hopefully DSD mother doesn’t now ban her. This 17 year old hasn’t sprung out of the earth. She’s the product of her father’s parenting too, and it’s shit that he can now ‘ban’ her from the house and wash his hands of it all.