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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/12/2022 11:13

Yes, yes I can. The opposite could be said that he can’t unilaterally decide that I have to have a horrible, unpleasant person in my house.

So you would support your DH telling your DD to leave and banning her from coming back to visit?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:13

laurwalsh · 29/12/2022 11:10

You should cruel. As a child from. Broken home and the trauma of having a step mum I would have totally collapsed at this treatment. She needs stability love and security and not someone who is going to make her feel like she's a bad person and her own dad is choosing another woman over her. Well done, you feel empowered at the expense of a vulnerable teenager. You should horrible.

Well Laura Walsh, you’re not me and I’m not you. You’re also not my DSD and I am not your step mother so I’m sorry this thread is triggering for you but it is very possible to have boundaries whilst also maintaining one’s position as a kind and good person.

OP posts:
laurwalsh · 29/12/2022 11:14

'Should' was meant to say 'sound' / really upsets me thinking of your post and how that young girl must feel.

pinkyredrose · 29/12/2022 11:14

laurwalsh · 29/12/2022 11:10

You should cruel. As a child from. Broken home and the trauma of having a step mum I would have totally collapsed at this treatment. She needs stability love and security and not someone who is going to make her feel like she's a bad person and her own dad is choosing another woman over her. Well done, you feel empowered at the expense of a vulnerable teenager. You should horrible.

Were you also a lying, violent, stealing, manipulating bully?

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 11:14

laurwalsh · 29/12/2022 11:10

You should cruel. As a child from. Broken home and the trauma of having a step mum I would have totally collapsed at this treatment. She needs stability love and security and not someone who is going to make her feel like she's a bad person and her own dad is choosing another woman over her. Well done, you feel empowered at the expense of a vulnerable teenager. You should horrible.

OP says she's tried for years. The DSD doesn't sound like a typical teen, she sounds like a teen with serious issues and if OP has reached a limit with that, considering she has her own child to consider who should be her priority, then she has every right to say enough.

DSDs behaviour is her parents problem. They need to get their daughter some help and fast. 17 year olds aren't bullies, liars and thiefs as standard.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 11:15

AreOttersJustWetCats · 29/12/2022 10:53

I can't believe people are cheering on a stepparent who is ostracising a child that is young enough to have "contact time".

"You go girl"? Are you serious?

Not sure which of "You go girl" or "have boundaries ladies" is more sick-making, frankly.

Signed
A woman

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GetThatHelmetOn · 29/12/2022 11:16

Everyone has their limits and sometimes, drawing a clear boundary helps… EVERYONE! From the stepchild to their mother.

Not all families are suitable to be blended, and we need to respect that more without assuming the parents need to resign to a life of solitude to put a nasty teenager “first”.

FleasNavidad · 29/12/2022 11:17

"Dear" "girl" "ladies"

Fucking hell, regardless of the topic you all sound like sexist pigs.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:17

laurwalsh · 29/12/2022 11:14

'Should' was meant to say 'sound' / really upsets me thinking of your post and how that young girl must feel.

Well you’d be very welcome to have her live with you for over a decade and see how your well-being looked.

OP posts:
FleasNavidad · 29/12/2022 11:18

And thanks for the massive drip feed that cleared it all up OP. If everything you say is true I wouldn't have her in my house either because she's dangerous

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 11:18

Step parents don’t let society dictate your silence. Don’t let mad people dictate your life.

Just marry their fathers & ex-husbands ...

thedancingbear · 29/12/2022 11:19

Banning a child from visiting her parent in his home is all kinds of fucked up. Even if she is poorly behaved.

obviously there’s a handful of the usual suspects cheering the OP on. But MN is not reflective of what’s okay in real life.

Worriedmama23 · 29/12/2022 11:19

Good for you, as someone who grew up with a vindictive poisonous SM I applaud you, I wished my dad had the balls to fuck my SM off after years of mental and physical abuse. I treat her like my own mother and she still fucking hates me

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 11:19

What will you do if your own daughter starts acting like your DSD?

BungleandGeorge · 29/12/2022 11:20

How’s he going to parent in his exes house? Will
he move in there over the weekend? Has that been agreed? Will he be safe there?

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 11:20

I wonder how much of the DSDs issues come from the shit situation her parents threw her into with divorce and step parents and everything that goes along with that.

Maybe if parents start to recognise that even in the best of circumstances, living across two homes and becoming someone’s step child is a bloody hard thing for children to cope with, more of these types of problems could be avoided in the first place.

While you’re there banging the drum for step parents OP, there is never anyone sticking up for the voiceless children in these situations. I know who I have the most sympathy for, and it’s not the adult that had control over the situation they found themselves in.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:21

toomuchlaundry · 29/12/2022 11:19

What will you do if your own daughter starts acting like your DSD?

Turn off the wifi, ground her, take away privileges etc ya know - the normal stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:22

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 11:20

I wonder how much of the DSDs issues come from the shit situation her parents threw her into with divorce and step parents and everything that goes along with that.

Maybe if parents start to recognise that even in the best of circumstances, living across two homes and becoming someone’s step child is a bloody hard thing for children to cope with, more of these types of problems could be avoided in the first place.

While you’re there banging the drum for step parents OP, there is never anyone sticking up for the voiceless children in these situations. I know who I have the most sympathy for, and it’s not the adult that had control over the situation they found themselves in.

Fortunately for me, your sympathy is not what drives me.
Having a safe and healthy sanctuary does.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 29/12/2022 11:23

Well if she is violent then you need to protect your child

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 11:23

quietnightmare · 29/12/2022 11:23

Well if she is violent then you need to protect your child

Exactly.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 29/12/2022 11:24

Having seen it from both sides OP, I think you've probably done the right thing. At 17, dsd knows when she is lying, manipulating etc and she knows why she is not welcome in your house. To be honest she probably didn't want to be there anyway.

But she is also obviously pretty mixed up and needs to see her dad as a stabilising influence. As long as you don't mind him spending time at their house, that's ok.

The ex should never have been in your house in the first place.

Well done for finding a solution that works for you.

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 11:25

Fortunately for me, your sympathy is not what drives me.

Having a safe and healthy sanctuary does.

Thats probably what would have driven your dsd when she was a child and selfish parents and step parents were ignoring her unhappiness, but sadly a safe and healthy sanctuary wasn’t provided for her.

rrf · 29/12/2022 11:26

Soo... They all get to spend quality time together, in your own X's house? Without you? Sounds like a win for the teenager

StaunchMomma · 29/12/2022 11:26

At the end of the day, your primary role is one of carer and protector of your own kids, OP.

Sometimes the person they need protecting from is a family member. and that's never an easy thing to have to deal with.

It sounds like this wasn't a snap decision. If you've been trying for over a decade and the issues are worsening then sooner or later you have to draw a line.

I really hope the situation improves in time, for all involved.