Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Sounds fair enough. She's enough to learn about consequences!

I disagree. Children, when young, must be considered first.

If you choose a partner with children, you need to accept this.

Step mothers are not immune to critique & it doesn't mean that's misogyny.

Getting tired of any woman on MN who faces critique deflecting to "if you disagree with me you're a misogynist".

Taking out your anger on your partner's underage child is nothing to be proud of. And it is extremely sad. And gloating about making your partner's relationship with his child more difficult is weird as hell, regardless of whether you are a man or woman.

But you don't seem interested in anything but yourself so good luck to you. Hopefully your partner doesn't treat your biological DD like you do his daughter, but maybe then you'll learn.

Hopefully your partner doesn't treat your biological DD like you do his daughter, but maybe then you'll learn.

Honestly, he barely seems to bother either way. After the knife incidents, he should have been doing everything possible to get help for his child. OP had no standing to do that, since she is not the parent.
It seems to me that the OP is the only adult who has made any effort here, over many years. She is also the one person who can't access help for the daughter. She is, however, probably the only person who will protect her own daughter, and she is doing that.

Taking out your anger on your partner's underage child is nothing to be proud of.

Says a woman who has never lived in fear in her own home!

If the OP was writing about a partner - would your advice be different? To get him to seek help? To live with hiding knives?
Yet a 17 year old is allowed that freedom to attack and cause havoc?

If OP was writing about her own child - and I’ve seen it on here - posters suggest they thrown them out for not bringing down their washing and face life in the ‘real world’

I think OP has given enough of her life, emotions, tears, frustration, anger to one person over the last 15 years - I’m not surprised she’s had enough!

I mean the "child" is one year off 18 and would be tried as a adult if she continues to try and stab family members with a knife.

And that is a fact.

Actually I have a step sibling with complex needs so have first hand experience of a situation like this.

And I'm glad my step dad and my mum actually took responsibility and didn't just take the easy way out of banning her from our home.

This child was absolutely failed by all adults in her life and it's a sad situation, gloating about it is vile.

Just a thought, OP - is your husband planning for what happens when his daughter turns 18 and she is living full-time with her mum?

This is a very vulnerable and risky time for many young people because so many income streams for them stop after turning 18 (depending on education status) - child benefit, child maintenance, child elements of UC/tax credits, just for starters. It is going to be very tempting (for want of a better word) for mum to make her leave. It's a bloody awful system but I've seen it happening over the years with my own DC's friends.

Hopefully your husband can plan something for her and with her. Good luck to you all. I know you need to safeguard your young DD.

She did accept it, for years. There came a point where she had to consider the damage that was being done not only to her, but to her young child. The husband is free to decide whether banning his eldest is acceptable to him or not, and apparently it is, so…🤷🏻‍♀️

All the empathy for one party, yet none for the stepparent. There’s a reason why she’s gloating, and that’s because she’s finally said ‘enough’ on behalf of herself and her child, after clearly being pushed beyond her limits by extreme behaviour.

She’s not obliged to host a violent child in her home. She doesn’t have to go ‘the hard way’ and continue putting herself and her child at risk. The stepchild is not the only one in this situation who matters.

Hopefully your partner doesn't treat your biological DD like you do his daughter, but maybe then you'll learn.

Yes hopefully he’s learnt his lesson and there’s some effective parenting with their shared DC.

What do you suggest for safe guarding the 3 year old? Or are they just cannon fodder?

Well I would have suggested addressing the issues much sooner for a start.

But if that's the only way out now, I'm not sure why gloat about it. Surely it's an awful situation all round and it's not nice to ban your partner's child from their dad's home? It's really not a "go you queen" situation, is it?

They weren’t OP‘s issues to address. She has not stopped her OH having contact - she just isn’t allowing it in her home. That’s his issue. A small child should not have their physical safety compromised to facilitate contact for an adult with a dangerous teen. It needs to happen away from OP’s family home.

The way I read it OP has taken back the power in her own home. Sometimes you need to feel
empowered to make the right decisions for you and your families health. Living in fear takes it toll on you. OP won’t have reached this decision lightly.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/breaking-logan-mwangis-mum-stepdad-27363281.amp

this boy was 14.

What's the relevance? It was the mum and stepdad who killed the 5 year old, the 14 year old just helped dispose of the poor little soul's body. Whats that got to do with OPs situation?

Thats not true, the boy had been with a foster carer who said he was not safe around children and had fantasised about killing young children.

The relevance, clearly, is that children can’t just be allowed to behave however they want on the basis they’re dear, sweet, failed children. Younger, vulnerable children need to be protected. People view children through the lens of their own children - situations like this require some objectivity.

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/crime/foster-carers-logan-mwangis-teen-27373598.amp

Re the teens predisposition.

Ah, ok, makes sense now. How absolutely appalling. I had no idea the 14 year old had had his stay terminated by his very experienced foster carers due to his violence and threats to murder, and had only been placed with his step father, the partner of the mum of the tragic little boy, just five days before the three of them killed the little boy.

Poor poor little boy. Makes even more sense for OP to ban her SD, and no, I dont think she is gloating, just venting.

@Boundaryqueen1 I would have done exactly the same as you (especially reading your update on her using knives etc). I would not allow anyone, child or stepchild to remain in my home with that kind of behaviour. Your stepdaughter doesn't live with you so it's not like she is being made homeless. Does she behave like this when with her mum?

You are doing the right thing! Congratulations and Happy New Year!

Your young DD’s safety is paramount. You have done the right thing. There is nothing else you could have done to protect your DD and yourself. Wishing you all the best moving forward. Have a fantastic, guilt free, safe 2023 and onwards 🎉

In a nutshell @Miajk.

He was 13 at the time he dealt the blows that killed little 5 year old Logan. Unbelievable that a child could be capable of that isn’t it? Of course he was brought up in an abusive family but still no excuse. Plenty of children are brought up with poor parenting. The majority don’t go on to fantasise about killing others. I make no excuses for him. I do wonder about posters who condemn OP for making sure her DD is safe from a product of poor parenting, that has nothing to do with OP.

Many posters are condemning the "go queen" attitude and responses in relation to a young vulnerable girl, who isn't even 18 yet.

OP admitted her DP was a shit parent too yet Is happy to expose his parenting to their younger DD - seems like 3 irresponsible adults in this situation and people are congratulating this. It's sickening.