Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Dh is a wonderful man and a boundaried parent. His tack with DSD is indicative of his trying his best to parent a teen with additional needs based on research, experience and multi agency support. I still firmly believe DSD would benefit from consequences and boundaries and there’s the wicked step mother bit for the ghouls to devour. Yum yum.

@Miajk so I'm assuming since it takes two parents that mum in this situation is also a shitty parent ? For letting it get this bad.

Or just op for marrying her husband and having another child

Which has been brought up as the reason why DSD who is one year shy of 18, is weilding a knife.

Funnily enough though posters haven't mentioned the fact mum also had a partner is also a contributing factor and makes her a shitty parent in those posters eyes.

Only dad and op right 🤨

OP thank you. My step kids are OK although still fairly young, but reading posts like this, where long suffering step parents have put boundaries in place, gives me hope that if there is an issue I can stick up for myself and be OK

What's his tack? (I'm not sure what this means, I'm assuming tactic.)

When did all this start and how have both of them been dealing with it since it did?

@hourbyhour101 the child also has mental health issues so basket case is really referring to that and however you dress it , its not a nice term
Also not one of us actually knows the girls full diagnosis or any other info
If you have asd you also know that it varies very much from one person to another as does mental illness

@healthadvice123 I have seen perfect strangers say worse to the op on this thread actually. But I suppose people like to selectively chose what they read

And if you put a knife by a three year olds toy in hopes they will harm themselves and try to stab both parents one year off 18 it may not be a nice term but it's accurate.

You may not know this but some of us people with asd or/and actually mentally ill people who don't think trying to stab your parents normal or excusable, and find it extremely annoying to see these terms as justification of trying to stab someone.

I have yet to do this and I can assure you. I have experienced some of the worst things a child could have had done to them.

It's not a excuse.

If they did kill someone, there would be mitigating circumstances in relation to MH and or ND but they would still be punished by the fullest extent of the law because trying to stab someone isn't right in any age. Let alone a soon to be fully grown adult. The courts wouldn't be like ah well you came from a broken home, slap on the hand and go be free to wield a knife again.

Even for a step child. At some point people have to be held account for their actions.

The people who are responsible for DSD are the parents who created her and they have a responsibility to all their children.

@hourbyhour101 i never said it was an excuse for the behaviour but as someone who suffers from MH i find calling people basket cases offensive , and its a public forum so i can have an opinion too.
We also don't know the whole history , whilst I agree in OP decision i think choice of words not great about a child you presumably loved at one time ? Also when told some details maybe outing OP wasn't bothered where as you would expect they would be incas the SD or mum was to read this

@hourbyhour101 also OP has clearly stated her DH is a perfect parent and that she thinks only the mum is responsible for the childs behaviour , which is likely doubtful as if he felt the mum was doing harm in the way she parents etc did he take it to court for full custody ? Etc etc
Also why has it taken for the OP to make the decision surely the dh should of done thqt to protect them

Two irresponsible adults at most - OP seems very responsible, looking out for her child after doing her best to help her SD until she just could not condone the violent behaviour anymore.

@healthadvice123 you can be offended and have your opinion that is your right on a public forum

And I think anyone who wields a knife around trying to stab their parents and their younger sibling a basket case and that is my opinion which I am entitled too. I'm not mentioning nd or mental illness into it because it's not a valid justification.

I personally find it incredibly erksome that people use ND as a excuse not hold people accountable for their bad behaviour. Given I'm in the same bloody boat as her sd (based on info here) and would never and have never done that.

Yes of course we don't know the whole story that's the point of mn. It's not a court room, we don't have to have everyone's side.

I suspect op doesn't care if DSD reads this tbh, if I had my small child potentially hurt I wouldn't give a fig either tbh. OPs "crimes" along with "others" which seems to really get peoples backs up is her sharing this message that a sp doesn't need to be a doormat.

Not a popular thought on mumsnet but here we are. And I commend her actually as a adult step child.

@hourbyhour101 has the sd been arrested for her crimes ? And if OP doesn't care if her SD reads this and it causes more distress to everyone then not been as supportive as they have said
Her sd will always be her dd sibling and her dh daughter so why would you want to cause more distress to anyone ?

@hourbyhour101 i also thin people who think its ok to call names not too great either , regardless
Imagine if the SD has heard these things about her already and these have contributed further to her issues ? Use of language very much matters , its name calling pure and simple
Its mot stating a fact

@healthadvice123 look I'm not sure why this post is triggering for you.

And call me confused but how would wr know if dad has been arrested for this behaviour. Can you imagine if op had gotten DSD arrested for this behaviour and admitted it on here 🙄 if she hasn't been it's only likely due to op that she wasn't arrested but if my Dc had done this to me I certainly would have called the police.

But you seem to be upset that this posts focus isn't about DSD but about op herself.

@hourbyhour101 i wasn't talking about dad is was talking about dsd being arrested although from reading im not sure the instances mentioned are all recent some when younger judging by age OP sad her dd was and then later someone saying dd is older
Also some of the instances were the dh ex wife not even then dsd such as leaving door open and somehow that is the dsd fault also ?
But yes I don't like people being refereed to as basket cases who have MH issues , sorry but there are plenty of correct words to use

I don't think the SD would be shocked and horrified to hear her SM thinks she's crazy. I doubt anyone who tries to stab their parents, and leaves knives in their little sister's bedroom, thinks that's normal behaviour.

@BadNomad I don't think calling her and her mum basket cases is conductive to helping her get better though either ? Pretty sure agencies involved would not be encouraging them calling her that ?
Anyway had enough of this post thats my opinion and as someone with MH issues I find it offensive , that I am allowed to feel , no one has to agree with me but when your trying to recover from an illness its not helpful to hear people calling you names that much I can say

@healthadvice123 I'm sorry your offended but the general population wouldn't be shocked if a nearly 18 year old tries to stab their parents and hurt a much younger sibling was described as basket case.

Most people would be to focused on the omg she put a knife in her much younger siblings toy and tried to stab her parents. That's bloody weird.

But your right use of language is important especially telling what people chose to ignore and focus on other things such as the term basket case.

My favourite summary of this thread actions have consequences. Try to stab your parents and willingly hurt a much young child = you getting called a basket case by some people on mn. Maybe instead of trying to moderate language you should focus on your own ?

Whether the stepdaughter is just a few months below being an adult, whether she has mental health issues etc does not negate the fact that she is dangerous.

I would be keeping her well away from my home.

@hourbyhour101 what use of language have i used that is offensive ? Sorry but i haven't and please stop tagging me you have said your point and I mine , so pleas then don't tell me about my use of language
Or tell me what the whole population thinks as neither of us know this others on here have agreed with mysef on use of this word
I have clearly said I agree with OP on the dsd not coming go the house etc and think she has done the right thing for herself and her child whilst her dh still maintains contact and hopefully the DSD can come out the other side if this with the right support and helpa
I also don't think a 17 year old should be written off but agree its not for the OP to be the one to offer that now

@healthadvice123 hold on.

You started this whole tagging me in this thread, I have simply responded.

I simply commented on OPs post and you @ me told me the term basket case telling me you were offended by the term and it's not nice 😵‍💫 neither is weilding a knife but we are were we are.

I have said your entitled to your opinion and to be offended as is anyone else.

But the internet is a dark place to get lost in if your easily offended by word choices and don't moderate your own.

No one gets to this place quickly or easily and I doubt op has been hatching this plan to get rid of DSD from her house and risk her marriage for shit and giggles.

Let's agree to disagree on the above and move on.

@hourbyhour101 where do I need to moderate my own language and think you quoted me first
But nowhere have I used offensive words ?

I don’t call them that to their faces obvs 🙄

@Boundaryqueen1 well yes but people overhear , no one called me that to my face either but I heard
I get yours was prob heat of moment and i do agree with you protecting your dd totally and your dh still being able to support his dd as hopefully she can get through this and maybe you can all have a relationship again in the future, although from your point of view you may not want that as trust being broken is often hard to get back

@healthadvice123 please can you share with me where I quoted you first.... Because you will find you singled me out 😵‍💫

This is my first delightful engagement with you on this thread and it's been just such a joy.

I haven't said you have used offensive language, I have said maybe instead of trying to correct other peoples language, you should look at your own. For instance- I noted no sympathy for op, no sympathy/ mention for the young child who had a knife inserted into the toy or practical solutions in any of your posts. Just a sheer focus on DSD and how OPs language is offensive to you. When actually this post wasn't about dsd or you, it was about op and a message she wanted to get across.

I simply commented that as someone with asd - I don't like people to assume because of my asd I would happily be violent. And yes there are people with asd who are violent but they aren't in control of their actions and they don't pick and chose who they hurt and likely in specialist programs to ensure everyone's safety . Op talks of being v close to DSD for many years and no violence in those years. If this was that type of asd it can't be switched on and off that quickly.

Hope this helps warmest regards mrs rtft

well yes but people overhear , no one called me that to my face either but I heard

@healthadvice123 Presumably the girl can't hear this thread, for instance, and I'm sure OP wouldn't say it where she can here.
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I have severe bipolar disorder, I've never threatened someone with stabbing or anything.