Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

@Boundaryqueen1
I'm so sorry you & DD have had to go through this. And I'm sorry that I know there are probably many many more stories over the years.

You are doing the right thing.

Children should treat people with respect & being from a "broken home" isn't an excuse for being vile.

If the mum is horrible & vile, it was always going to end up this way. I am going down the same path as you & mourning the SC I used to know. It's just so much easier and less hurtful to mentally check out from it all.

@Boundaryqueen1 I’m not surprised you felt terrorised. That’s horrific. 😢

If you can't comprehend that my entire point is that parental alienation tends not to happen to the parent who has the most contact time, there's not much point me trying to explain the concept to you. Again.

Your description of why the SD is banned relates only to what her mum has done and a couple of historic instances of the girls serious mental ill health that actually needs huge support and understanding. You clearly have the capacity for neither so you’ve done the child a favour in removing yourself from her life.

You sound like a gem OP. My SM was like you. It took her years of counselling to realise the problem never was me and she eventually apologised but not after ruining my relationship with my father throughout my teens and 20s. She did however apologise in the end.

I hope you manage to find peace but ultimately if any of this is real, you’re going to be miserable and bitter and blaming the wrong person forever. I hope you enjoy that gloating now, it always comes back to bite you on the bum

Now I wonder what erudite insult you’ll throw at me in response .

My gloating tone is a defence mechanism from having all of society and “support” forums such as this, treat me with unkindness and underestimation for years on end when I’ve been deeply suffering in my role as a step parent. I am spiky because you have been unkind.

Which is a fair enough assertion. Which is why it's unfortunate that your experience doesn't seem to have resulted in much empathy for your SD, whose entire world treated her with unkindness while still a child. A boundary-less mother, a broken home, a stepmother, a half-sibling, all by the time she was 9 (at the latest, if she has a half-sibling of 7), seems as likely to cause issues and unpleasant defence mechanisms as an unsupportive forum on Mumsnet

I am so glad. It's a terrible way to live. I think the solution is good for everyone.

Oh wow. I didnt read it this way at all. Have I missread it?

Did you take knives into your sister's room and threaten her?

I can’t relax in my own home because I don’t know if I’m going to be on my own in my house or whether she’ll just let herself in as she did on Boxing Day to tell DH something unimportant that could easily have been communicated via text.

Why does your wonderful DH allow his melodramatic Ex a key to YOUR home?

I never really understand the ' what if this was your child...' answers.. that's like saying well what if the sky was red, what if you were born as Beyonce or whatever other pointless whataboutery

If this were OPs child she could have dealt with her behaviours in ways she thought best, she may have had other options available to her and so on.. but this ISN'T OPs child so it's irrelevant.

The only child who IS OPs is being bullied and abused by this step daughter so OP is right to prioritise her child.

I'm almost at this stage and my dsc is younger than yours and behaviour is declining rapidly. My DH is not allowed to parent dsc, as his ex gets involved to stop the punishment. DH takes dsc's phone for throwing it at me when I asked for dirty clothes to be put in the wash basket, DH's ex screams at DH for taking a phone that she bought (for a day, not indefinitely). Dsc is grounded, he rings his mum who picks him up and takes him to hers so he can go out. Our shared child is in the middle of it all and regularly becomes very upset and withdrawn due to ASD but there is nothing I or DH can do to manage the behaviour as ex will stop visitation and spend hours trying to argue with DH that punishment needs to be gentle, even when the behaviour is illegal and /or dangerous/violent. It's to the stage where dsc swears and spits at DH if he is reprimanded and reminds us he will tell his mum. Is fucking horrific. I can totally see where you are coming from; it's shit but it's probably the best outcome for all involved. Good luck and enjoy a safe and peaceful home x

I understand OP. My dsd 16 and I had a fantastic relationship until she found out that I was expecting. She screamed the house down, demanded I aborted. Text her dad with abuse, hoping the baby died. I had ruined her life etc...

Unfortunately I lost the baby at 12 weeks. Sometimes you just need to do what's right for you

My dsd is a decent kid, it hurt what she says and did but I don't have any hatred towards her

Well done OP. Nobody has a right to criticise until they have walked in your shoes.

OP, I'm worried that your update could be quite outing to family and friends of your DSD.

I refuse to have any adult in my house who creates drama. Wouldn't matter if they were a distant or a close relative, the rules are the same.

A peaceful house is important to me.

Well done OP.

I've read more of the thread (not all) and congratulate the OP on her frank and honest posts. The usual MN bullies are out with their 'poor child' nonsense but unless you've lived the hell of this type of situation you cannot start to understand. I have and empathise massively. My DH was not as strong as OPs and I was left to deal with it on my own. We're still together but live apart. Sending much support and strength to the OP.

Ah try not to worry, there’s a war going on in Ukraine.

Families who have a child with SN and poses a risk to others siblings usually have multi agency input and if the risk is deemed significant, the child with SN is removed. It's a safeguarding matter, simple as.

OP, don't blame you. She sounds a nightmare.

Out of curiosity, if you had it to do over, would you have married this DH or sought a childfree partner?

I think if I was born as Beyonce I probably wouldn't be on this thread.

It is one of my hugest regrets in life and I will be encouraging my DD to stay away from anyone with a child.

This thread is triggering for many reasons. But I refuse to get worked up over somebody else's life. My sympathies to the children and adults involved. Good luck. What doesn't kill you will definitely make you stronger.

I'm not surprised. She now loses out on time with her dad when he goes to stay with his other DD every weekend or EOW.

OP is absolutely right to take the action she has . This is not a 6mth problem but a culmination of years of problems . No-one would live indefinitely with a SD treating her and her family like that . Behaviours have consequences and SD needs to learn that . The why's and wherefores are irrelevant all that is relevant is that there is a vulnerable 7yrs old in the house who needs protecting . It's not like SD has been chucked onto the streets or in a hostel she is with her mother .
Seems a perfect solution until things settle .

OP your last update is mostly about the ex - yet you are happy for your DH to go and live on her house for half the week.

You also say she lets herself into your home and has done several times - yet for some reason you think she’s going to stop doing it now.

Why is she going to stop now when she’s not cared before now?

It sounds like you have more issues with the mum than you do DSD (I don’t blame you) yet you are taking it out on DSD.

You’ve admitted that your DH is very much at fault here and has been a shit parent but if the mum is as bad as you say then I wouldn’t want my DH living at her house.

It sounds like you’ve given up on not only DSD but also your DH too.

Tbh I don’t blame you for this but I feel you should end your marriage and have a clean break instead of carrying on with this façade.