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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
Notascoobie · 29/12/2022 14:13

Ahhh ok! Thanks. Completely missed that!

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:14

So I'm pretty new here people. Just observing the thread. When do the debates on these posts normally die down and people realise there's no point anymore in going round in circles? Does it take a day, 2-3 days or does it go on for about a week until people realise they have lives to attend to?

Weepachu · 29/12/2022 14:14

Good for you! I wish more would take a stand.
Your first mistake was settling for used goods and all the baggage that entails but at least don’t make a second mistake of martyring yourself to his past life mistakes.

JRHartley72 · 29/12/2022 14:16

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:14

So I'm pretty new here people. Just observing the thread. When do the debates on these posts normally die down and people realise there's no point anymore in going round in circles? Does it take a day, 2-3 days or does it go on for about a week until people realise they have lives to attend to?

Usually when it occurs to people the OP has ducked out and isn't coming back. Which appears to have happened now.

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 14:16

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:14

So I'm pretty new here people. Just observing the thread. When do the debates on these posts normally die down and people realise there's no point anymore in going round in circles? Does it take a day, 2-3 days or does it go on for about a week until people realise they have lives to attend to?

Depends. If the op is quite inflammatory and replies often it can go on and on. If they aren’t/don’t bring up any new points then it tends to die out because you’re unlikely to repeat the same thing over and over.

In op’s case, she is being pretty inflammatory and she is building the whole thing on an illogical and pointless base so probably it won’t go on too long because she is just ignoring any posts that point out the hypocrisy of banging on and on about how it’s society who are keeping women down and she’s breaking that barrier when in fact she, her daughter, and her stepdaughter have all suffered because her husband is incompetent, and yet he’s still labeled ‘wonderful.’ So it’s not an argument that will progress because op’s narrative is flawed.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:17

JRHartley72 · 29/12/2022 14:16

Usually when it occurs to people the OP has ducked out and isn't coming back. Which appears to have happened now.

Show quote history

LOL fair play

Lilgamesh2 · 29/12/2022 14:18

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:14

So I'm pretty new here people. Just observing the thread. When do the debates on these posts normally die down and people realise there's no point anymore in going round in circles? Does it take a day, 2-3 days or does it go on for about a week until people realise they have lives to attend to?

This made me laugh Grin

The thread closes at 1000 posts, if it gets that far! Then we're all left to grumble to ourselves about it at home while doing the washing up.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:19

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 14:16

Depends. If the op is quite inflammatory and replies often it can go on and on. If they aren’t/don’t bring up any new points then it tends to die out because you’re unlikely to repeat the same thing over and over.

In op’s case, she is being pretty inflammatory and she is building the whole thing on an illogical and pointless base so probably it won’t go on too long because she is just ignoring any posts that point out the hypocrisy of banging on and on about how it’s society who are keeping women down and she’s breaking that barrier when in fact she, her daughter, and her stepdaughter have all suffered because her husband is incompetent, and yet he’s still labeled ‘wonderful.’ So it’s not an argument that will progress because op’s narrative is flawed.

Show quote history

Ah thats interesting. So usually the OP will either reignite the fuel, so to speak properly it all dies out.
I mean, I am observing but also full invested, don't get me wrong 😆

Maybe83 · 29/12/2022 14:20

@Boundaryqueen1 nope not a perfect parent. But one who has spent 0000s of hours managing the challenges our children have/had as has my dh.

Family therapy, mental health support, parenting classes for our dd disabilities, etc etc etc.

I ll take your gold star though by the way your DH isn't a great parent but crack on with your celebrations!

Only on the SP board would the language the OP und others have used in regards to child with disabilities and mental health issues be acceptable and supported.

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 29/12/2022 14:20

Weepachu · 29/12/2022 14:14

Good for you! I wish more would take a stand.
Your first mistake was settling for used goods and all the baggage that entails but at least don’t make a second mistake of martyring yourself to his past life mistakes.

are you referring to divorced people as 'used goods'? Seriously?

FestiveDove · 29/12/2022 14:21

Livelovebehappy · 29/12/2022 13:59

And there is a step parenting section on mumsnet, where your message would be better placed if, as you say, you want to send out a message to other step mums. But I guess if it’s a bun fight and goadiness you want, then AIBU is definitely the right place…….maybe ask for your post to be moved to somewhere where your rant might help other stepmums?

This is the step-parenting section 👍

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 14:22

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:19

Ah thats interesting. So usually the OP will either reignite the fuel, so to speak properly it all dies out.
I mean, I am observing but also full invested, don't get me wrong 😆

Show quote history

Yeah, kind of. But sometimes people will get another argument going.

So it will be like ‘aibu? Mil bought me some green cushions but they look rubbish on my grey velvet couch, can I give them back to her? How do I do it politely.’

And there will be a bunch of normal replies saying just tell her, or just keep them and only put them out when she comes over. But then some twat will give their random two bob’s worth that ‘yuck! YABU for having a chavvy grey couch.’ And someone else will respond ‘oh shut up you dick.’ And so on, and so forth. So in that case even if the op doesn’t return it doesn’t matter.

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 14:22

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 13:58

Riiiiight.

He couldn't have gone for full or even 50/50 custody, so he had a chance of actually parenting his child, instead of blaming his lack of discipline/boundary-holding on the child's mother?

And when an adult is scared their co-parent might say mean things about them, the optimum response is to kowtow to emotional blackmail & stop enforcing any boundaries for the DC?

Show quote history

If you think that parental alienation is just a matter of mean words being spoken, you are a true pollyanna.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:22

Lilgamesh2 · 29/12/2022 14:18

This made me laugh Grin

The thread closes at 1000 posts, if it gets that far! Then we're all left to grumble to ourselves about it at home while doing the washing up.

Show quote history

Thanks for the heads up! Sounds like a lot of energy wasted...and I'm also here for it, so 😉

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 14:23

Okay some top of the blinking ice berg background to contextualise my fear.

DSD has earnestly tried to stab both her parents with a kitchen knife. Thank god they tried to restrain her and it worked.

DSD has stolen a kitchen knife from my kitchen whilst DD(age 3) slept in the room next door to hers in the middle of the night. She took this knife into school in her blazer and used it to cut her chest and legs. Ambulance was called.

When Cahms told us to keep all sharp objects and dangerous chemicals under padlock and key until her mental health showed signs of improvement DSD’s mother let herself into my house and shouted at DH and me because she felt that DSD was safe and would never hurt my DD and was so concerned with how my lack of trust towards her was making her feel, she was crying and making out that I was unreasonable keeping sharp objects away.

it was at this point that she got my daughter’s Telly Tubby toy and stood it up in my daughter’s bedroom holding a knife behind its back. I did I step it later on and it sent chills down my spine.

Another time, DSD’s mother let herself in to our back door and was shouting at DH because DSD had been telling her mother that DH didn’t care that she’d found a dead toad at our local allotments. In the middle of this ridiculous row- DD (aged 3) managed to escape the back door in the dark that DSD’s mum had left open and toddle in the dark out on to the road on her own at the front of our house. My heart was pounding. DSD’s mum apologised to me profusely but such things should never have happened and could have resulted in DD dying.

Just last week, DH was due to take DSD to see her grandparents and DSD’s mum wanted to pack her bags for her and needed some clothes from DSD’s room at our house. Instead of knocking on the door, she banged on our windows repeatedly starting by walking into our front garden long before sunrise and hammering on first the living room, then the dining room then moving round to the back of the house and trying to push the back door open.
she didn’t need to do this. She could have just told DH via text “there’s a pair of joggers on DSDs bedroom floor that need adding to the bag.

it’s experiences like this ^^ that make me feel terrorised, unsafe, they make my heart beat so hard that I shake and I never know when then next episode is coming. I can’t relax in my own home because I don’t know if I’m going to be on my own in my house or whether she’ll just let herself in as she did on Boxing Day to tell DH something unimportant that could easily have been communicated via text.

Would any of you like to deal with this kind of thing for over a decade?

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:24

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 14:22

Yeah, kind of. But sometimes people will get another argument going.

So it will be like ‘aibu? Mil bought me some green cushions but they look rubbish on my grey velvet couch, can I give them back to her? How do I do it politely.’

And there will be a bunch of normal replies saying just tell her, or just keep them and only put them out when she comes over. But then some twat will give their random two bob’s worth that ‘yuck! YABU for having a chavvy grey couch.’ And someone else will respond ‘oh shut up you dick.’ And so on, and so forth. So in that case even if the op doesn’t return it doesn’t matter.

Show quote history

LOL

tenbob · 29/12/2022 14:25

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 14:23

Okay some top of the blinking ice berg background to contextualise my fear.

DSD has earnestly tried to stab both her parents with a kitchen knife. Thank god they tried to restrain her and it worked.

DSD has stolen a kitchen knife from my kitchen whilst DD(age 3) slept in the room next door to hers in the middle of the night. She took this knife into school in her blazer and used it to cut her chest and legs. Ambulance was called.

When Cahms told us to keep all sharp objects and dangerous chemicals under padlock and key until her mental health showed signs of improvement DSD’s mother let herself into my house and shouted at DH and me because she felt that DSD was safe and would never hurt my DD and was so concerned with how my lack of trust towards her was making her feel, she was crying and making out that I was unreasonable keeping sharp objects away.

it was at this point that she got my daughter’s Telly Tubby toy and stood it up in my daughter’s bedroom holding a knife behind its back. I did I step it later on and it sent chills down my spine.

Another time, DSD’s mother let herself in to our back door and was shouting at DH because DSD had been telling her mother that DH didn’t care that she’d found a dead toad at our local allotments. In the middle of this ridiculous row- DD (aged 3) managed to escape the back door in the dark that DSD’s mum had left open and toddle in the dark out on to the road on her own at the front of our house. My heart was pounding. DSD’s mum apologised to me profusely but such things should never have happened and could have resulted in DD dying.

Just last week, DH was due to take DSD to see her grandparents and DSD’s mum wanted to pack her bags for her and needed some clothes from DSD’s room at our house. Instead of knocking on the door, she banged on our windows repeatedly starting by walking into our front garden long before sunrise and hammering on first the living room, then the dining room then moving round to the back of the house and trying to push the back door open.
she didn’t need to do this. She could have just told DH via text “there’s a pair of joggers on DSDs bedroom floor that need adding to the bag.

it’s experiences like this ^^ that make me feel terrorised, unsafe, they make my heart beat so hard that I shake and I never know when then next episode is coming. I can’t relax in my own home because I don’t know if I’m going to be on my own in my house or whether she’ll just let herself in as she did on Boxing Day to tell DH something unimportant that could easily have been communicated via text.

Would any of you like to deal with this kind of thing for over a decade?

You sound like you’re living in an episode of Shameless

Allsnotwell · 29/12/2022 14:26

With all due respect, do you actually know how to parent an ND child? Because it doesn’t sound like you do! And it also doesn’t sound like you reached out to any professionals such as the SENCO at SD’s school for advice and guidance

OP doesn’t need to know how to parent a ND child - she isn’t her parent.
It’s no OPs job to reach out to professionals - she isn’t the parent.

listsandbudgets · 29/12/2022 14:26

First of all OP I am not judging you. I do not know the background every situation is unique and I believe we all have a aright to say "I can not have this person in my safe space any longer."

However, I've been on the receiving end of this treatment OP and it made me resent her and my dad for life.

I never worked out what we were supposed to have done but with no warning we were suddenly banned from my father's home. I was 14, brother 12 and sister 10. We never went back. We never got an explanation but it all seemed alright one weekend and we never spoke to her or saw our step siblings ever again. Our father used to take us out to lunch instead. Even he did not seem to want to explain - or perhaps he too did not understand. We knew it was her decision and we knew he'd not fought it

It's now over 30 years down the line, I still don't understand and still feel hurt when I pass that house. You clearly have VERY strong views about your DSD but before you do this think deeply and try to make sure she understands your decision. I've spent over 30 years wondering what it is we were meant to have done.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 14:26

tenbob · 29/12/2022 14:25

You sound like you’re living in an episode of Shameless

Show quote history

You sound like a bollock.

OP posts:
JRHartley72 · 29/12/2022 14:27

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 14:23

Okay some top of the blinking ice berg background to contextualise my fear.

DSD has earnestly tried to stab both her parents with a kitchen knife. Thank god they tried to restrain her and it worked.

DSD has stolen a kitchen knife from my kitchen whilst DD(age 3) slept in the room next door to hers in the middle of the night. She took this knife into school in her blazer and used it to cut her chest and legs. Ambulance was called.

When Cahms told us to keep all sharp objects and dangerous chemicals under padlock and key until her mental health showed signs of improvement DSD’s mother let herself into my house and shouted at DH and me because she felt that DSD was safe and would never hurt my DD and was so concerned with how my lack of trust towards her was making her feel, she was crying and making out that I was unreasonable keeping sharp objects away.

it was at this point that she got my daughter’s Telly Tubby toy and stood it up in my daughter’s bedroom holding a knife behind its back. I did I step it later on and it sent chills down my spine.

Another time, DSD’s mother let herself in to our back door and was shouting at DH because DSD had been telling her mother that DH didn’t care that she’d found a dead toad at our local allotments. In the middle of this ridiculous row- DD (aged 3) managed to escape the back door in the dark that DSD’s mum had left open and toddle in the dark out on to the road on her own at the front of our house. My heart was pounding. DSD’s mum apologised to me profusely but such things should never have happened and could have resulted in DD dying.

Just last week, DH was due to take DSD to see her grandparents and DSD’s mum wanted to pack her bags for her and needed some clothes from DSD’s room at our house. Instead of knocking on the door, she banged on our windows repeatedly starting by walking into our front garden long before sunrise and hammering on first the living room, then the dining room then moving round to the back of the house and trying to push the back door open.
she didn’t need to do this. She could have just told DH via text “there’s a pair of joggers on DSDs bedroom floor that need adding to the bag.

it’s experiences like this ^^ that make me feel terrorised, unsafe, they make my heart beat so hard that I shake and I never know when then next episode is coming. I can’t relax in my own home because I don’t know if I’m going to be on my own in my house or whether she’ll just let herself in as she did on Boxing Day to tell DH something unimportant that could easily have been communicated via text.

Would any of you like to deal with this kind of thing for over a decade?

Blimey OP! That's some drip feed. Your relief makes absolute sense. Your DSD needs help beyond what any of you can provide.

How is your DD about her dad not being around at weekends any more while he stays with DSD? A few posters have asked and you haven't replied, yet him being absent is bound to have an impact on her.

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 14:27

Can you stop them from coming in now?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 14:28

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 14:27

Can you stop them from coming in now?

Yes.

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:29

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 14:23

Okay some top of the blinking ice berg background to contextualise my fear.

DSD has earnestly tried to stab both her parents with a kitchen knife. Thank god they tried to restrain her and it worked.

DSD has stolen a kitchen knife from my kitchen whilst DD(age 3) slept in the room next door to hers in the middle of the night. She took this knife into school in her blazer and used it to cut her chest and legs. Ambulance was called.

When Cahms told us to keep all sharp objects and dangerous chemicals under padlock and key until her mental health showed signs of improvement DSD’s mother let herself into my house and shouted at DH and me because she felt that DSD was safe and would never hurt my DD and was so concerned with how my lack of trust towards her was making her feel, she was crying and making out that I was unreasonable keeping sharp objects away.

it was at this point that she got my daughter’s Telly Tubby toy and stood it up in my daughter’s bedroom holding a knife behind its back. I did I step it later on and it sent chills down my spine.

Another time, DSD’s mother let herself in to our back door and was shouting at DH because DSD had been telling her mother that DH didn’t care that she’d found a dead toad at our local allotments. In the middle of this ridiculous row- DD (aged 3) managed to escape the back door in the dark that DSD’s mum had left open and toddle in the dark out on to the road on her own at the front of our house. My heart was pounding. DSD’s mum apologised to me profusely but such things should never have happened and could have resulted in DD dying.

Just last week, DH was due to take DSD to see her grandparents and DSD’s mum wanted to pack her bags for her and needed some clothes from DSD’s room at our house. Instead of knocking on the door, she banged on our windows repeatedly starting by walking into our front garden long before sunrise and hammering on first the living room, then the dining room then moving round to the back of the house and trying to push the back door open.
she didn’t need to do this. She could have just told DH via text “there’s a pair of joggers on DSDs bedroom floor that need adding to the bag.

it’s experiences like this ^^ that make me feel terrorised, unsafe, they make my heart beat so hard that I shake and I never know when then next episode is coming. I can’t relax in my own home because I don’t know if I’m going to be on my own in my house or whether she’ll just let herself in as she did on Boxing Day to tell DH something unimportant that could easily have been communicated via text.

Would any of you like to deal with this kind of thing for over a decade?

Wow that's a lot. Bless you.
Your child deserves to be safe and so do you. DSD should stay with mum away from DD for hers (DD) and your safety. The detail definitely helped show how urgent your situation is.

PeppermintChoc · 29/12/2022 14:29

Good for you OP. I have had to reach this decision too, together with social services who also acknowledge the threat my DSC poses to my children. I absolutely do not care if I am vilified. Mine and my childrens health and safety trumps the lot.