Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

I wish this thread had existed when I was going through this mental torture. Bravo OP, put it out there for all those struggling through - I can relate to almost every part of your message.

Good for you , enough of hypocrisy and great step mums that “ will die” for the step kids s..t , I applaud you

This sounds like pretty severe mental illness. Presumably the child will be 18 soon. Will she be moving out of her mother’s home, going to Uni, getting a job etc or is her behaviour incompatible with “normal” life? My sister’s behaviour was terrible during her teens, horrendous tantrums, disappearing out with older men at age 13, drinking, self harm....and by age 21 she had been sectioned and diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

You sound like a good mum, OP. If your DD was old enough, I'm sure she would appreciate you wanting and trying to protect her.

When the roles of SM and DM oppose each other, I don't know how anyone could prioritise a stepchild over their own child.

Yes I am.
Particularly those with the baggage of children.
Let the poor OPs experience be a lesson to any woman of child bearing age not to settle for a man who’s already been around the block.

If you want your own children, find a man who will be a dad for the first time with yours. I couldn’t imagine having a child with someone who’d “been there, done that” - it wouldn’t feel special.

The dynamics of step families are just too complicated and unfair to put your own bio children through.

Any woman under the age of 40 should never consider getting with a man with children from previous relationships. Don’t set yourself and your children up to play second fiddle and to deal with the spectre of the ex hanging over your relationship. If you’re over 40, have kids of your own and don’t want anymore, it might be okay. But even then I think I’d rather be single than deal with step children.

Well done @Boundaryqueen1

You need to keep yourself and your younger DC safe and away from her. I guess locks have been changed and she won't ever have a key

I agree with the OP. DSD is not a child; she is less than a year away from being an adult. OP has also stated that DSD is dangerous and violent. I would not allow anyone who is a potential danger to my child into my home, regardless of whether they are a family member or not.

@Weepachu The same thing goes for single and child(free)less men and women who have kids from a previous relationship, surely?

Not a step parent but good for you op. I’ve seen too many on here expecting the step mum to martyr herself over unreasonable and/or toxic behaviour from step dc and exes. Your Dh should be supporting you I’m sure this is a last resort for you.

Well done OP for taking this step and encouraging us all to think about boundaries. You've every right to do this, especially as the status quo was causing misery for everyone. Wishing you, your DH and DD a happy and peaceful new year.

I do wonder how many men are expected and often put up with BS from the dw’s children and ex Dh, I never really see it, I wonder why but step mums are fair game. I wonder if it’s cos women tend to put up with more shit before they dare do something otherwise risk being called evil step mum, men don’t seem to have that dynamic.

So correct me if I'm wrong but she's never tried to hurt you or her sister but you're kicking her out and severing her sister relationship because she has mental health issues?

Absolutely. If I had a son I wouldn’t want him to take on someone with children. That ways lies nightmares!

Totally agree with this. No one expects anything from step dads.

Totally agree.

The knife issues alone would be a dealbreaker for me.

@Weepachu i agree with what you wrote as Un PC as it is tbh, it’s like due to societal pressures to having to be in a relationship, women are more accepting of this set up and the crap that comes with it (if it’s not been managed well) esp when they end up having kids with these men so feel more stuck or more like the one that has to do it all for the man, whereas there are far more men who wouldn’t consider it or put up with lack of boundaries from the step family.

I’ve seen lots of step dads but they just don’t seem to have any headaches probably because they wouldn’t stand for it.

It’s double standards and i see it much more in my community but I think women could learn a thing or two instead of taking shit in the name of ‘being a good wife’ etc.

And I agree, women should think twice unless the boundaries are already in place and everyone is respectful, it’s not the step mum’s job to deal with it.

I think you have the right thing O.P.
I really hope you can enjoy a calmer, more peaceful life. All that drama and continuous stress isn't good for us and sounds like you have done your best for many many years.

This poor girl. She has mental health issues amongst other vulnerabilities, her mother is allegedly a bully, both parents have damaged her during her upbringing, and she has a deadbeat father who has allowed her to be banished from her home. And to top it all off, a stepmother who is jumping for joy about the whole thing.

Or protecting her own child from someone who attempts to stab people with a sharp instrument?

I often wonder at what point those saying "poor girl" will accept that the Op has done the best thing she can under the circumstances? I'd bet a vital organ that if the OP had posted saying "my 17yo DSD has stabbed my7& yo" the bloody lot of you would be asking "why did you let a violent teenager anywhere near your child?". Prevention, as they say, is better than the cure.

She is a risk, end of. No sob story trumps risk. And no amount of trauma, menta illness, etc excuses poor behaviour. She is a poor girl but the OP has done lots to try and help but she is not the parent and has limited influence. If I were her. I'd leave the husband too as he sounds like a complete waste of space as far as parenting goes.

Of course the decision is yours op. However, my job involves working with 'challenging' teenagers and in all my years of experience I can honestly say that if they are a complete pain in the arse, 95% of the time it is due to their being issues at home and them not having the ability or willingness to communicate this, so they act up instead.
I am not suggesting you or your DD deserve to be treated poorly by your SD, but perhaps you could consider why she is behaving as she does and have a little empathy.

It sounds like OP has bent over backwards for years to give the stepdaughter the benefit of the doubt.

She needs to focus on protecting her own daughter now. And herself.

This x100

Men just wouldn’t put up with it - and women shouldn’t either. You are worth more than someone else’s cast offs.

I have some friends in this grim situation and also got caught myself but thank my lucky stars every day that I saw sense and didn’t trap myself into a life of martyrdom. The red flags were immediate. The key is not to ignore them.

Even if your love interest seems to have good boundaries and a good coparenting relationship with the ex, children grow up, dynamics change, new children come on the scene, etc. There’s just too much chance it will go to shit.

That should have been “almost got caught myself” not “also got caught myself” - God forbid!

Calling it a “sob story” displays a complete lack of empathy. And to dismiss the role of trauma and mental illness in human behaviour is lacking in empathy and knowledge.

I agree it’s not OP’s place to solve this girl’s problems (although as someone who has been in her life since she was a toddler, it’s sad to see such gloating and deep unpleasantness) but her father allowing her to be banished from his home - which is by extension the stepdaughter’s home - is appalling. I wonder if OP would banish her own DD under similar circumstances. In fact she was already asked this question and her response was that she would instead undertake “normal” punishments like removing tech etc.

We do agree somewhat on the OP’s marriage. Her DH should leave her for banishing his child from his home. She should not have had children with him when he’s been such a poor parent to the one he already had.