Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

I don’t think it’s OK to feel smug (and I’m not the only one who has picked up on that tone) when a child is struggling

Well you haven’t lived with a violent ND child. It’s like an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. Every day is all about them - their needs, their wants, walking in egg shells, waiting for them to destroy the house, you don’t buy ‘nice’ things because they get targeted to be destroyed.
It could be the smallest thing that sets them off, they tear ‘your love’ with a do it for me attitude …. It’s wearing ….

OP has found a solution and I’m not surprised she’s celebrating.

All those saying ‘poor child’ makes me wonder what you are doing to support parents in this situation, because I would bet that these are the kids that aren’t invited to play dates or parties …. You washed your hands of them years ago and added flames to that fire.

But if OP didn’t get involved with him, someone else would have. Why should OP lose out, when she went in to the relationship with good faith and (in her own words) ‘took good care of DSD all those years ago’ from when she was 3yo?

@MelchiorsMistress PS; it’s worthwhile to read the topic on the board before posting. There are specific forums intended for a number of groups, many of which are sensitive. There may be actual people harmed by you offering your wisdom in forums intended for groups of which you are not a member.

Absolutely

I really can’t see how an opinion that children should be prioritised before step families are created is a harmful opinion no matter where I post it.

May I ask, OP, what do you think went wrong here?

you've known her since she was a "cute 3 year old" and now before you is a 17 year old who is very unpleasant.

What has happened in between those years? What was yours and DH response to her and her behaviours? Did she grow up the majority in your household or was it split between you and her mum. Had her mum poisoned her against you?

Do you feel any fondness for her, regardless of her bad behaviour? And does she sense what you feel. Is she like this to everyone?

Many questions there before I can form an opinion

Describing a child as a "basketcase" is disgusting.

Banning your husband's child from the house is unreasonable.

You sound awful.

You sound utterly vile calling someone with MH / ND issues a basket case. The venom towards a teenager! Has your DH called the MH/ LD teams for professional support? The DSD is better off out of your home sharing it with someone who hates her.

You said you have known this girl since she was 3. I don’t understand how it got this bad. Did you not put boundaries up in your own home? And parent your dsd? My dd’s friend (14) has a stepmum with very strict boundaries for example and she does the things you describe such as removing her dsd’s mobile etc. It makes me wonder if you lacked support from your partner.

But what about other DC's in the house....shouldn't their safety be the primary concern?

Because you’re putting the onus on potential step-parents (and I suspect potential step-mums) to prioritise potential step-children. When really you should be telling fathers and mothers to prioritise their children and not get into relationships / blended families.

All these posts are EXACTLY why I ruled out dating any men with children. And it’s exactly why I’ll be encouraging my daughter to get an eligible man with no baggage.

No, they should be an equal concern, not the primary concern.

So she's literally a young, underage person banned from her own father's house & you are a full grown adult who imposed the ban and she's somehow the villain?

I'm shocked your partner wants to stay with you. I guess you both deserve each other.

That’s a huge assumption.

Pot meet kettle.

A 7yo can’t defend herself against 17yo who hates her.

The 7yo needs to be the priority in her home. But OP’s DH is right to spend time as much as possible with DSD outside the house.

That was to @Allsnotwell

Why not just kick her out instead? Would it be ok for your partner to ban your DD from your house?

What a spiteful post @Miajk - another one who only reads what they want to of the OP’s posts such is your desperation to put the boot into the stepmum. Sad.

I don’t think this is a mum vs step mum situation.

I would feel just as sad about a biological DD being banned from her home, than a stepchild.
I don’t think it makes a difference and neither would be acceptable to gloat about.

As a step parent you are not that child’s parent and should take a back seat to the parenting, as that’s the biological parents job.
But getting into a relationship with someone with children means you accept some responsibility and accept that your home will be shared with other children.

You cannot ban the child from their own home.
If they are dangerous and you feel them being around their sibling is too risky then it is for the biological parent to move out and create a home for their child.

Moving into an ex’s house who is apparently a bully is not going to work and it’s going to cause DSD’s issues to become worse.

I’m an exasperated, underestimated woman (there are lots of us about!) and I’m not on mumsnet trying to get in to heaven.

It’s my home too! She has two homes, I only have the one.

I wish people would stop telling OP she cannot ban this horrible girl. She has.

And rightly so.

Agreed.