Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

I agree. I'm not a fan of the ' I was cursed with' .... either.
You have a point, OP, don't lose your point with language that makes you sound as if you actively hate the child.
Have your boundaries, good, I think you should, but don't lose yourself in saying things that are unkind. It devalues your point.

Given the SD is like that, I agree that you have done the right thing.

To be fair, Op is probably frustrated and venting on an anonymous forum.

Has your DH been part of the problem? Why do you think he is a good person to be a parent to your child?

Agreed but then what are we as step parents to do? We didn’t cause it and we can’t fix these kids. After my own experience, I have a different perspective; I feel completely helpless.

So many of us steps try so hard to do what is right only to find out it just doesn’t matter. They (ex, dps, dsc) don’t appreciate the sacrifices. Heck, they are all so selfish I don’t think they are even aware.

Truth is OP could have been the best step parent in the world and people would still say it was her fault her DSD behaves the way she does, instead of her actual parents. In the end though everyone has to take responsibility for their own actions, her parents splitting may explain the reason for her bad behaviour but it doesn’t excuse them no matter how many times the ‘poor DSD parents split up narrative’ is used. OP is protecting her daughter, good for her, I would do anything for my LG and if somebody was hurting her no matter who they were I wouldn’t have them anywhere near her.

I’m all for calling out the blatant misandry on MN, but tbf, the man in this situation is the cause of the problem. It was him that chose to introduce a new woman into his child’s life at a time when her well-being should have been his priority, and it was him that chose to have another child. He does not come out of this sorry story as either a good father or husband.

@Namechangeforreasons

So yes, you tell stepparents to have boundaries but please tell me how a 5 year old deserves to have to eat her own vomit on her birthday?

I agree with OP, you are projecting your own childhood onto OP and it’s not fair to her.

OP, well done for putting your foot down. I suspect DSD will be wheedling her dad to be allowed back in, encouraged by her mum.

Only in the misandry world of Mumsnet does an issue between 3 women becomes the man's fault. Massive chip on shoulder here.

I would usually agree but I think in this case he does have a lot to answer for.

Not only is he allowing his own child to be banned from her own house but he’s now going to move into his ex’s house and live there for half the week.

That doesn’t sound like a man who is a good father.

If she is horrible and bullying to your daughter who is only seven, I totally think you have made the right decision. However if your DSD is ND (I'm not sure if this is the case) I don't think you should undermine how this can affect her behaviour, and although you have chosen wisely to keep her away from your DD, you shouldn't make light of her issues. She might behave in a vile manner but maybe she is struggling inside more than you know.

Anyway it does sound like it's been very hard for you, and I hope things calm down now for everyone concerned.

You could choose not to get into a relationship with someone who has children in the first place.

I would argue that the choice to get into a relationship with someone who has already created and lost a family is part of the cause of issues some step children have. No one is expecting you to fix anything, just avoid contributing to the problem in the first place.

Theres really no reason for you to act all hard done by.

I’m calling out unpleasant behaviour. I’m not ‘being unpleasant’.
I don’t think it’s OK to feel smug (and I’m not the only one who has picked up on that tone) when a child is struggling.

I also don’t think it’s OK to use terms like basket case and to write off the impact of SEND and MH issues.

Had OP described the situation with any sign of empathy for this child my responses would have been very different.

@MelchiorsMistress I am not one to believe that telling someone not to do something that happened in the past is helpful or kind. If you are human, then surely you’ve made choices in your life that did not turn out exactly the way you expected.

Do you care to share what brings you to the step parenting forum? Are you here just to make others feel badly? Angry about something today in your own life and need people to take it out on? That’s usually the case, I find with posters like you.

There was a girl I knew years ago who was very as you describe, enmeshed in possibly abusive situation with her mother and mother's boyfriend/s.

Always ''High drama'' wherever the child went.

Sadly at approaching middle age, she is volatile and ''Crazy'' {for want of a better word} and violent.

Like a carbon copy of her mother.

Nature or nurture?

Agreed. I also think the whole discussion wouldn't have been a 'mum Vs stepmum' debate if we had known from the beginning this child is ND. It could of even been a thread to help and share information about how to deal with it all.

Nope no chip here. Only in the world of misogyny does a man's inability to parent his child become the fault of 3 women.

Children's behaviour is more often than not a product of their parents' behaviour. You're essentially a parent to her and have been for quite a while. If your attitude is to 'divorce' her, I dread to think how much she's suffered over the years.

Poor kid.

@AliceOlive been waiting for this.

@MelchiorsMistress why are you preaching that no one should get involved with someone with kids on the step parents forum? Agenda?

Do you care to share what brings you to the step parenting forum?

Usually active threads or trending.

Are you here just to make others feel badly? Angry about something today in your own life and need people to take it out on?

Im just sticking up for the voiceless step children who are given no choice about what their selfish parents do to their lives. Possibly projecting a little as I’ve already said I was an unhappy step child myself, but I don’t apologise for that because these children can’t stick up for themselves.

Reads to me as if your husband and his Ex have failed this girl and you are now dropping the rope.

Sounds like a good solution, particularly for your 7 year old whom must be impacted by all this drama.

Leave it to her parents to sort out.

Good luck.

@MelchiorsMistress I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time, but you are not helping anyone by judging on people online based on a few lines they wrote. You are just creating more angst in the world and in yourself.

Ban her from your home of course lol. Have boundaries ladies!

In this instance though it sounds like the DSD is perfectly able to stick up for herself and then some. Do the negative impacts on the OP’s 7 year old DD not concern you at all @MelchiorsMistress? Doesn’t she have the right to a safe home?

why are you preaching that no one should get involved with someone with kids on the step parents forum? Agenda?

It would be a weird agenda considering I made my own children someone’s step children, so I’m definitely not saying that no one should ever get involved with someone with children. It just needs to be done very carefully and with an acknowledgment that if it turns out to be detrimental to the children, then the relationship should be ended or postponed.

My point is that people shouldn’t create a step family and then complain that their actions have given them step children with issues that are hard to deal with. They can’t have it both ways.

You said she's been in your life since she was 3 years old...that also adds a different tone to this whole thing.